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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM at birth

189 replies

MermaidTears · 14/08/2016 10:28

Am I the only one who thinks it's so so awkward to have your mum at the birth?
I banned my mum the first two times, now pregnant with a third and she's back to hinting at her 'last chance' to see a grandchild be born.

She had my dad and nan (her mum) with her when she gave birth to me and doesn't think it's weird at all.
I just cannot get past the idea of my mum seeing me naked or partially naked and with my vagina fully on show. I just find it fucking odd!
When I was pregnant with my first my mil actually assumed I might want her there. I couldn't help but laugh when she said it, just no!
Anyway almost all my friends and school mum friends had their husbands and their mums. Is it just me who finds it so weird, or do I just not have that kind of comfortable relationship with my own mum?

OP posts:
Foslady · 14/08/2016 10:45

I know each to their own and all that but I couldn't think of anything worse either - for me it's the idea that they want to watch me give birth........I'm not a performing seal, I'm giving birth ffs, leave me be!!! plus I just knew she'd fuss about and irritate the shit out of me

SanityClause · 14/08/2016 10:46

I wouldn't have wanted my mum, but not because I would care about her seeing my bits and pieces. She just wouldn't have been very helpful.

She went abroad to lend support to my sister, giving birth in another country, and from what I can gather, was not all that helpful in supporting her in standing up to the incorrect advice she was given by HCP about BF. (In fact, I put my DSis in touch with La Leche League, from a third country, which was more useful to her.)

To be honest, DH at the births was a bit of a PITA at times. He wasn't always madly helpful, and did things like putting a whole bottle of rescue remedy in my water, when I would have preferred them separate. Also, he wasn't very clued up on labour, so, for example, when I was pleased to be vomitting, as I knew this was part of transition, I was having to explain that to him, as he thought it was a worrying sign.

So, I would say you want someone who knows a reasonable amount about what is going on, and who will focus on you, and helping you, whoever that may be. And if it's not your mother, then that's fine. Labour is about you and the baby, not about her.

JudyCoolibar · 14/08/2016 10:46

I didn't have my mother there and it would have been a very firm No indeed if she had suggested it - fortunately she didn't.

TheVeryThing · 14/08/2016 10:46

I'm very close to my mum but there's no way I'd have her in the delivery room. My dh was there both times but I think I would have been fine on my own, as I really don't like much interaction during Labour.
My hospital only allows one birth partner anyway, so you might want to check the policy.

ClopySow · 14/08/2016 10:47

I really didn't want my mum there, but i do remember crying "mum" really quietly at one point.

Laiste · 14/08/2016 10:47

I don't know anyone at all of my own age group (40s) who had their mums with them they were giving birth. I've got 4 DCs and certainly had no urge at all to have my mum with me. She's very 'stiff-upper-lip' type.

However, a couple of my friends have been at the birth of their grandchildren, and one of my DDs (21) has said that if and when she has a baby she'd like me there with her. I feel honored and perplexed at the same time! Grin Maybe it's a generational thing?

Trills · 14/08/2016 10:47

One of the great things about MN is that you get to hear opinions that are different from those of "everyone you know". :)

It might be that in your circle of friends and family it's normal to have your mum.

We can reassure you that it is equally normal to not have your mum there.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/08/2016 10:49

I didn't have my mum there but to be honest, I was so out of it, I wouldn't know if she randomly turned up and started doing karaoke.

A family friend was my midwife (I'm incredibly lucky. She is a senior midwife and normally only gets called in for tricky births but she stayed on later for me.) so I can't really talk about not wanting to show people that I see often all of my lady parts.

Also, OP, you realise your mum has the same lady parts right? Hmm

Original poster
MermaidTears · 14/08/2016 10:49

My mum is extremely critical of weight and appearances and constantly berated me growing up. Then can't possibly understand why I wouldn't want her seeing my big fat stretch mark thighs or saggy tits when I attempt breastfeeding post birth.... most intimate parts, she would be judging away!
I would feel humiliation to be perfectly honest!

OP posts:
justilou · 14/08/2016 10:51

My mum is very pushy and insensitive (raging personality disorder).... I told her the wrong due date and neglected to tell her that I was having scheduled c-section so she wouldn't be at the hospital shoving her way in. (She's a nurse and she knows and intimidates people, so I could see her getting her way). As it was, I went into labour a week before that, and she was on the phone trying to nag me about coming to the birth when I was on my way to the hospital. I didn't tell her what I was up to, and had to say "Sorry I was so short with you today, but I was busy with labour pains, and if you'd like to come and meet your granddaughter, you can come between x & x". She very rarely mentions it, which means it's a very sore point indeed.

Trills · 14/08/2016 10:51

I think the key thing here is you would feel that she was judging.

If she makesyou feel that way, then of course you won't want her around when you are feeling vulnerable.

Original poster
MermaidTears · 14/08/2016 10:52

And yes it is good to have outside opinions as it is very common round my way to have mums and sometimes mil too

OP posts:
FuckFaceMagee · 14/08/2016 10:52

When I have my baby ill have my mum there at the csection. And if I was having natural labour I'd want my mum there too.

It's not weird, it's not about them seeing you naked, it's about her being there to support you.

Me624 · 14/08/2016 10:53

I'm very close to my mum but I didn't want her at ds's birth, I feel exactly the same as you OP! Had no issue with the many many medical staff in the room when he was delivered by forceps with my legs in stirrups getting an eyeful but I wouldn't have wanted my mum to see that Confused

After the birth when I was very emotional and struggling, that's when I needed my mum and she was there!

PeggyMitchell123 · 14/08/2016 10:53

I had my mum with me, she also saw my sister give birth to my niece although not my nephew because he was emergency c-section.

You don't really think anything of your mum seeing you, it's not like you are dancing naked, you are giving birth. She was great at supporting me and she was able to dress both my son and my niece. Those are precious memories for her now because my niece died at 7 months.

Each to their own, some want their mum there and so don't want to.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/08/2016 10:55

If she would make you feel uncomfortable, of course don't have her.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/08/2016 10:57

When I had to stay in overnight after giving birth, I felt very alone and had no idea what to do. Then I rang my mum and she came to help me.

Lj8893 · 14/08/2016 10:57

I didn't have my mum at dds birth, mainly because I felt dh would feel a bit awkward and she would take over his "role" if you like. And also, she wasent keen on seeing me in pain. However, if I have another I may well have my mum there, in fact I would like a home birth and then dd would be there too!

But I'm very close to my mum, if I wasent then no way would I have her there!

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 14/08/2016 11:04

My favourite of my 5 labours was the last one, not only because it was less than 2 hours from the first contraction to the birth, but also because there was just me and the midwife. And enough gas and air to float a shipwreck.
Horses for courses, of course, but I didn't want to have to bother about other people, labour was the one time when it could be all about me and my baby. (MrZippy has form for attention-seeking and in labour 4 expressed boredom and kept jamming the gas and air mouthpiece into my mouth because he didn't think I was using it correctly., so he wasn't invited the next time).

Funnyface1 · 14/08/2016 11:04

I wouldn't have my mum there even though we do have a good relationship and she's my go to person if I'm ill/worried etc. When I was having my last baby she said "don't worry about what your husband says, if you get into it and you want me there you get him told!" Don't know why she thought I wanted her there and he was the obstacle but no! This time around there's been no mention at all cos she's look after my little boy on the day anyway.

NoTractorsAtTheTable · 14/08/2016 11:05

I had my MIL there - she's an ex-midwife and a very practical, down-to-earth woman. My anxiety was pretty high around childbirth and I just felt reassured by her presence. My DM is lovely, but is not the type of person I wanted around at that point.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 14/08/2016 11:05

No chance. I love my mum to bits but she's a very sensitive soul. Considering how much I swore and hurled abuse at my (now ex) DP in the labour ward, we probably would have never spoken again. I can imagine it; nearly five years on and she would still be going on about me being 'off' with her during sheer bloody agony childbirth.

RaspberryOverload · 14/08/2016 11:06

I love my mum dearly, but she's oddly prudish about all sorts of bodily functions, and I felt that she wouldn't have been the support I needed. Lucky for me, DP was great.

I'm a private person anyway, and I just didn't want her there. Totally normal, and you need to only have people there who will help you in feeling comfortable. It's not the time to be thinking about other people's feelings or whether they'd feel snubbed, giving birth is about you and the baby.

KatharinaRosalie · 14/08/2016 11:07

It's not about them seeing the birth, this is about YOU.

What she said. It's not some kind of a circus or event for other people's entertainment, that they should be able to 'experience'. Birth partners are there to support the woman giving birth and you should only have the people here that you want. Don't be bullied having people there purely because it's their last chance or whatever.

Chinks123 · 14/08/2016 11:08

I didn't want my mum there but as usual with births nothing went to plan and she ended up staying for everything. it was first planned that she would wait outside (me and DP lived with her at the time and she drove us to hospital) but she was invited into the room and I was in so much pain I wouldn't have cared if a marching brass band came wandering in.

Turned out she was zero help bless her, she had a section with me and I think seeing labour scared her. She just sobbed all the way through and it was DP that helped me through it.

I was very thankful she was there in the end, as I had complications after the birth and DP held DD while my mum held my hand..it was nice. Yes I get a minor cringe when I think back to what she must have seen, but I'm happy she was there especially as I was fairly young at the time.

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