Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you leave your partner if they didn't see your DSC?

213 replies

mendimoo · 10/08/2016 23:42

DP has a ten year old DD from his previous marriage. I have DS (7) and we have (almost) 2 year old DD together. We met when I was pregnant with DS and we had DSD 80% of the time, with me caring for DSD while he worked very frequently. DPs ex stopped contact for a year when DSD was 6. DSD was amazing when contact was reinstated and we all got along fabulously again. Then when she was 8 her mum stopped contact again and this time DP went to court and had it reinstated. Again, DSD was very happy to be seeing us again. Her mum has openly admitted she's jealous when DSD goes back talking about being happy here and the contact stoppage was for very minor reasons - like not being able to watch DSD in her Christmas concert because DP was in hospital.

Fifteen months ago, DPs ex stopped contact again. She was angry because her and DSD had fallen out and DSD said she preferred it here. DPs ex said if he sought contact via court she'd fabricate allegations against him. DP felt dejected and resigned himself to having no power and not seeing DSD until she was old enough to be able to manage it herself.

Yesterday, DP received a message saying: "Hello daddy, it's DSD. I'd really like to see you, can you come and pick me up soon?" We don't know if it's really from DSD or his ex but I think either way it's a way of getting to see DSD again and that he should jump at the chance. He, however, has no intention of replying and says it's just his ex playing games. I keep imagining poor DSD sitting waiting for a reply, wondering why we don't want to see her etc and feel heartbroken for her. Aibu to think I can't be with someone that wouldn't do everything in their power to see their child? I can't believe he'd actually wait another 4/5 years rather than have a stressful time now.

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 17/08/2016 14:12

to explain why I hadn't been around to show I had wanted to be in their life and missed them

head continuing with your scenario:

How would you explain to your adult DCs why you kept taking their mum back to court even though you knew that every time you did, their mum abused them more?

How would you explain that despite going back to court time and time again, you still couldn't see them?

headinhands · 17/08/2016 14:13

Following that logic, wouldn't the dc be curious anyway why a seemingly disinterested parent was keen to be involved having made no effort when the were younger? Your average adult would be suspicious.

I can't speak for everyone but I've had discussions about my childhood with my DP. So if I was in the scenario outlined I'd have the confidence to talk about an issue that i was working through. I don't think I'd wonder why an absent parent was suddenly involved when I was older.

headinhands · 17/08/2016 14:19

their mum abused them more?

If you knew your dc was being bullied at school would it ever occur to you to tell them to tolerate it because if you speak up it gets worse?

I'd keep a log of abuse that was happening to my dc. Who wouldn't??Someone who abuses their children for having contact with their other parent should not be a sole carer. I wouldn't acquiesce if my dcs teacher was abusive, much more so a parent.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/08/2016 14:26

"Headinhands"

If the RP was abusing the children, I would be applying to be the RP. If the RP isn't abusing the children and I considered it to be in their best interests I would stop going to court.

Two very different scenarios, but then we have covered this.

TimeforaNNChange · 17/08/2016 14:29

Someone who abuses their children for having contact with their other parent should not be a sole carer.

You're right, they shouldn't.

So what are you proposing when you say you would fight to change it?

Abduction of the child from the primary carer? Or worse? Incapacitation of that parent in some way?

I'm beginning to think your position is very sinister indeed. I see now that you are suggesting a criminal solution - and I wonder if you have inadvertently outed yourself.

Careforadrink · 17/08/2016 15:14

Boneyback

I think you've either misunderstood or have me confused with someone else.
I would dearly love my ex to pull his weight with our children however he point blank refuses to do any parenting other than a weekend once in a blue moon.

headinhands · 17/08/2016 16:16

and I wonder if you have inadvertently outed yourself.

Aww you got me

TimeforaNNChange · 17/08/2016 16:25

head Thank you for confirming that your "genuine interest" was more GF than GI Hmm

Still - at least I can get out of bed tomorrow Grin

RepentAtLeisure · 17/08/2016 16:44

The awful thing from his side is that he 'has no intention of replying'. That is just punishing his dd for no reason. No, maybe he can't pick her up, but that doesn't mean he has to cut her dead. She's not a toy, it's not an all or nothing situation. If she is trying to communicate he's a piece of shit to decide to ignore her until she's a certain age.

NNChangeAgain · 17/08/2016 16:51

The awful thing from his side is that he 'has no intention of replying'. That is just punishing his dd for no reason

There may be a very good reason.

He may know that his ex monitors his DDs mum monitors her phone and punishes her if she gets messages from him.

He may know that his ex uses his DDs phone herself to try and goad him into contacting her.

He may know that even if he does reply, and sees his DD for a few months, when his ex decides she's had enough she will create more distress and upset for the DD than if he stays away.

It's easy to sit in judgement when it's not your DC who will be damaged irrespective of what you do or don't do.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/08/2016 16:53

Careforadrink

I may well be confusing you with another poster, but you are still applying your situation to the OP's

RepentAtLeisure · 17/08/2016 18:16

NNChangeAgain But the most likely scenario here is that his dd misses him after over a year with no contact and has reached out to try and talk to him. In his shoes I would take the risk, 100%, because it would kill me to think my child contacted me directly and I ignored her.

If it's a 'trap' from his DM, so what? She can't do any more than she already has. And if her DD gets caught by her DM for sending the message, that's her business. It's also very very unlikely. From what the OP says, she preferred her DF and wanted to stay with him - blanking her is probably going to make her think she has two uncaring parents.

NNChangeAgain · 17/08/2016 18:31

If it's a 'trap' from his DM, so what? She can't do any more than she already has.

Did you read the OP? The ex has threatened to make false allegations again him - and those of us who have experienced that first hand know the additional distress that causes the DC.

And if her DD gets caught by her DM for sending the message, that's her business

it's her fathers business too, if his reply tips his ex off that their DD has been in contact with him. I'd hope that any loving parent would avoid doing something that increases the risk of their DC being physically or emotionally abused. It's hardly just the DDs business, she's just a child and can't possibly be expected to have the judgement to make those sorts of decisions.

My DHs DD was repeatedly verbally abused and finally assaulted by her mother for making contact with DH.
Social Services and the court were made aware, however, as DHs DD was capable of seeking help independently at school or by phone at the time, their solution was to send DH and his ex on a parenting course. Residency remained with DHs ex, who continued to withhold contact.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page