would you leave your partner if they didn't see your DSC?

[mendimoo]

DP has a ten year old DD from his previous marriage. I have DS (7) and we have (almost) 2 year old DD together. We met when I was pregnant with DS and we had DSD 80% of the time, with me caring for DSD while he worked very frequently. DPs ex stopped contact for a year when DSD was 6. DSD was amazing when contact was reinstated and we all got along fabulously again. Then when she was 8 her mum stopped contact again and this time DP went to court and had it reinstated. Again, DSD was very happy to be seeing us again. Her mum has openly admitted she's jealous when DSD goes back talking about being happy here and the contact stoppage was for very minor reasons - like not being able to watch DSD in her Christmas concert because DP was in hospital.

Fifteen months ago, DPs ex stopped contact again. She was angry because her and DSD had fallen out and DSD said she preferred it here. DPs ex said if he sought contact via court she'd fabricate allegations against him. DP felt dejected and resigned himself to having no power and not seeing DSD until she was old enough to be able to manage it herself.

Yesterday, DP received a message saying: "Hello daddy, it's DSD. I'd really like to see you, can you come and pick me up soon?" We don't know if it's really from DSD or his ex but I think either way it's a way of getting to see DSD again and that he should jump at the chance. He, however, has no intention of replying and says it's just his ex playing games. I keep imagining poor DSD sitting waiting for a reply, wondering why we don't want to see her etc and feel heartbroken for her. Aibu to think I can't be with someone that wouldn't do everything in their power to see their child? I can't believe he'd actually wait another 4/5 years rather than have a stressful time now.

He really needs to fight for her. The mother is abusive. I don't know if the text was from his DD. It sounds likely after such a gap. He needs to get his head out of the sand.

YANBU. I couldn't be with this man.

YANBU. I'm actually appalled that he could consider not responding ecen if there is a chance it is not his DD Because what if it is? My heart is breaking for that poor little girl trying to reach out to her daddy

I'd have left him when he didn't fight for access or shared residency when mum first stopped contact. Not replying to that text is very wrong.

People have children too quick in new relationships without actually getting to know the person properlu before choosing them as the co parent and then walk away very easily. It's the children that suffer.

That poor girl, caught between a vile mother and an apathetic father.

If it is his daughter sending the message, she's of an age to remember reaching out to her dad and him not even responding. This just fuels the mother's desire to build a wedge between them and may never be recoverable. He probably won't ever get the chance to wait for her to be old enough to facilitate contact by herself because she'll have given up!

I would literally be making my husband's life unbearable through nagging if he did this to one of his children (admittedly not a problem for us as 1st and hopefully last marriage but it's what I'd do if I had step children).

That poor child will live with having such inadequate parents forever. Tell him to man up. Twat.

Poor kid.

Yes, he should respond. But he seems to be wrapped up in the game playing with his ex, despite saying the opposite.

Isn't 10 the age when they can decide what they want with parental access n the eyes of the law? And also, he has court ordered access. His ex is in contempt of court, surely? Which would make it much easier to sort out. He's given up on his dd. It's very harmful to the mental health of his dd.

I would spell it out to him what damage this will be doing to his dd and that he is abandoning her after all the fighting for her.

Otoh, if the ex has promised to fabricate allegations, then that could involve all sorts of pain for the OP and her children, from which he is trying to protect them. The allegations would presumably be of rape of the exP, or abuse of the Dd. Whilst it is all very well to call the OPs dp all sorts of names, just stop and think of the consequences of those allegations...police, social services etc, not being allowed to see his dd1 as well. Is there the money there to pay for the legal work that all this could entail? The dp presumably has some knowledge of how likely his ex is to make false allegations and what they would be.

Just to add, personally I feel abandonment is a form of child neglect and therefore he is being cruel to his child. You can find out why he is neglecting her.

Sometimes people can't cope and this causes neglect. I would want to get to the core of why he can't cope with it all and maybe offer to take it on for him and show him how to handle it. I know others may say don't do it for him, he should be doing it, but if he is usually kind then maybe some sort of ineffective feeling is behind his cruel behaviour. You can be the leading light as it were. You show him the way initially and then he takes over once he sees how to move forward, whilst telling him that neglect is extremely harmful to a young mind and that he must imagine that his dd is crying herself to sleep over this. Her life must be hard with a mother who obstructs visits from her father.

Unless he is unkind and that is the reason he neglects her. In which case, you will have to step away.

I think give the guy a chance- he only received the text yesterday... He has been massively shat over several times- he needs support.

It is also illegal to make threats of false allegations. All he needs to do is see his dd with a witness in a public place to cover that worry. He also needs to keep any texts/threats for future records, if she does make a false allegation. Was there a witness to her threatening to do this?

I would also say that the mother is being abusive. Perhaps he needs to get angry and go for custody. Perhaps his dd is trying to tell him she wants to live with him.

""Isn't 10 the age when they can decide what they want with parental access n the eyes of the law? ""

From around eight, the child's wants will be considered.

OP, surely your children miss her? On that basis you could contact her and push for Sibling contact.

He's a disgrace, he's got the court order and his DD is old enough to have a say. He needs to chase up that txt, it's enough to get her pastoral support at school. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

From 14 a child can live where they want, so it's something to think about.

scaryteacher - so you think bullies should be given in to?

Have I read it correctly that he hasn't seen his daughter for 15 months & has done nothing about it?

I have some sympathy for your DP as I find the system to be completely rigged in the mother's favour in 99% of instances. My step brother went to court numerous times (I think last count was 5) to gain access to his daughter (who's currently only 5) due to a malicious ex.

For people saying surely she's in contempt of the court order - she is, but my step brother found that the police would say it wasn't their job to enforce it, he would have to pay to take her back to court and then the court would just say something along the lines of "you're in contempt of the visitation order - here's a new one" and the whole process would start again. It was a nightmare and he has said he can't afford to keep doing that every few months.

However, although I understand it's expensive and difficult, I struggle to ever support the idea of people giving up on their kids. I hold everyone to the high bar by dad set when my parents got divorced when I was younger - he spent a year almost bankrupting himself fighting in court to make sure I was allowed the choice of where to go (I was 12 so a bit older) to live (and this included fighting a number of allegations) because he knew I was desperate to not stay with my mum.

Unless there is absolutely no money to keep going back to court I don't understand why these dads aren't doing it! As someone said, if she did make false allegations then that would be difficult, to put it lightly, but how is she making all these threats? If he ensures that the only discussions they have are via text/email then he'd have those threats in writing which would blow them out the water in court very quickly.

Courts involve CAFCAS prior to the hearing and on the day and they literally couldn't give a monkeys about fights between parents, they see it all the time and are very good at cutting through it and just making a judgment that they feel is in the best interests of the child. If your DP already has a court order in place, it would be highly unusual for them to not find in his favour again, and the court would question why she didn't bring up the allegations the first time around.

Also, as others have said, there is absolutely no one stopping him from texting/calling her. However it does put him in an awkward situation. I don't believe it's ever in the child's best interest to put them in the middle of these things so any sort of variation at all on "I would love to see you but it's up to DEX" could be problematic and if she asks why he's not seen her then he either has to do that or lie and look like a bit of an arse.

But I would have to find a way around it if I was him, it would break my heart if I couldn't speak to my ds.

But I also would struggle to be with someone who I didn't believe was doing everything in their power to set up access/communication with their children. What do these dads will think happen when they're older? Do they think the kids will just happily accept that the ex wives made it difficult so they decided to wait it out? I wouldn't want anything to do with them if I was a child in that position.

Wow that was long - apologies everyone!

No, I wouldn't leave him..

I wouldn't be comfortable with his decision, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

I have absolutely no idea how it must feel to have your own DC ripped out of your life repeatedly, and have no support from the courts. I have "lost" my DSC several times under similar circumstances - I know how I feel, and I have seen the impact it has on DH, but I can't begin to understand how he feels.

Keep communicating with him. Talk to him about his fears and reasons. Suggest alternative scenarios for him to consider. Be robust but kind.

From experience, it is likely that your DPs DD will be hoping that he doesn't "come and pick her up". My DHs DD used to send messages like that - she subsequently told us that sometimes it was because her mum told her too, and sometimes cos she felt guilty about not seeing him. She said she used to dread the thought that he'd actually reply, because it would start all the nastiness and drama all over again.

All the while your DP is out of his DCs life, she is relatively stable. My DHs DS does far better at school when DH goes along with his exW demands, for instance.

It's not ideal - but it's sometimes the least worse solution.

His ex sounds horrendous, but it's his duty to stand up and fight for his daughter.

Contact is for her benefit, not for his.

(coming from a guy who battled for his kids best interests in the family court)

Court is not just a "hassle"

It can all but bankrupt you, cause untold stress and heartbreak. Then if you win, as in o/p's case, the ex can stop contact and start the whole process again.

Access is rarely enforced, and mothers are rarely punished or the imprisoned for denying access.

At some point you run out of money, and what's the point fighting for access when you can't see your child because you have no home, car or money to spend on them.

it also often gets into a hellish slanging match over parenting skills, lifestyle choices, and uses the child to make points, each parent badmouthing the other so the child will ask to stay with them.

I would text or phone back as pp said, and say love to see you, tell your mum to get to n touch.

Is he concerned that the threats made by the EX-W have substance? I'd be more concerned with finding out why this has such an effect on him.

It may well be that he is considering everyone in this and doesn't want you and his children dragged through the mud just because Ex feels like making trouble and there is no truth in anything.

On the other hand could there be something that he doesn't want looked into?

cake. In relation to false allegations, you're right, they can be disproven in court - however, my DH had to withdraw from specific professional responsibilities while they were investigated, and SocServ were also involved in ensuring that my DD was safe - her own Dad was obviously concerned!

These things can have a significant and long lasting impact on a family even if they are subsequently found to be untrue. And of course, as family court proceedings are privileged, often it's not possible to clear your name against public allegations made by the other parent of your child.

thieves You couldn't have proven my point better.

Despite CAFCASS and social services discrediting the allegations made against me and DH by his ex and DS, there will always be doubts from some, as that information cannot be shared publicly without DH being in contempt of court.

Time I agree it's one of those things that you are damned if you and damned if you don't. There will be suspicions either way just because someone has made a threat, the monkey is out the cage regardless. I presume that the OP knows her husband but I am going from my own view of what I think my reaction would be which is to call their bluff, however as I'm not the one in the situation, it's easy for me to say and life is rarely that simple.

My brother is like this he has a daughter from some lady he had a one night we with she is a nightmare

So he simply decided to black her out and give up

His wife is lovey but a bit naive she actually try's really hard however I did point out its him who needs t try

I wouldn't be with Somone who didn't see his children let lone leave them

Usually is indicative I a wider issue eg being a dick most men who, are engaged not a dick and pay on time are one of two things

seeing there child or locked in a court battle

Anything else usually means yu don't give a shit really but would rather just moan on the sidelines about the injustice of it all

Usually is indicative I a wider issue eg being a dick most men who, are engaged not a dick and pay on time are one of two things

How fucking dare you.

People like you who think women can do no wrong and only men are dicks only perpetuate the problem.

My DHs DD is the third generation of girls/women who have been estranged from their fathers, all of whom repeatedly returned to court, sacrificed careers and have committed to volunteering with other DCs in an effort to fill the gap left by the absence of their own.

Their mothers have been enabled by women (both friends and professionals) who believe as you do - that it's always the man, because mothers couldn't possible harm their DCs.