Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have enjoyed our wedding day?

190 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 18:28

We're in couples therapy at the moment. We've a "disconnect" around our wedding anniversary - DH wants to celebrate it; I just want it to be just another day. When I think back to our wedding day the strongest memories are:

  • seeing my sister (we hadn't spoken for 3 or 4 years until that day)
  • DH's brother (usher) turning up with a fat lip and a black eye after a fight a few nights before
  • none of the ushers (DH's brothers) doing what we asked them to do so missing things we'd wanted to happen
  • best man being incapable of getting DH to the venue so DH had to find his own way there
  • best man arriving as my car pulled up at the venue (and i was 20 mins late)
  • best man leaving his speech at the hotel
  • crying as I walked up the aisle
  • several babies screaming through our vows (as the ushers didn't do as asked and ask them to step outside)
  • neither of DH's parents speaking to me all day
  • my only grandparent refusing to come outside for photos
  • DH's grandparents suddenly deciding they didn't want the food they'd chosen before the wedding and demanding something else be made specifically for them as the food was served
  • nobody offering to buy me a drink (DH was bought several)
  • my only bridesmaid had met a bloke at a club the week before and instead of bringing him to the evening do she left without saying anything
  • DH wanting to stay at the venue until every other guest had left (3am - I was shattered)
  • DH's parents being unhappy that a distant relative had turned down her invite so they arrived at the hotel at 9am the morning after the wedding to collect DH and took him to the relative's house for the day, leaving me alone.

On their own most of these are pretty minor, but all together they make a pretty unhappy memory for me that I don't feel like celebrating. I don't really like seeing photos or being reminded of the day more than 10 years later. DH doesn't understand and thinks I should find those things funny. Hmm

I'm not BU L, am I?

OP posts:
toadgirl · 07/08/2016 20:35

As part of your new start, could you retake your vows - somewhere special just the two of you?

It would be a nice way to start a new page of your marriage. I think if your DH would be okay with this, you would feel warmly towards him for being supportive of your feelings and you could both move forward.

sukindred · 07/08/2016 20:35

As all the others have said your anniversary is celebrating how long you've been married not the day itself.A happy marriage is a truly wonderful thing and as such I believe it should definitely be celebrated.Just have a glance at the singles posts and see how many people are searching for what you have with your DH .Get your glad rags on for one night of the year when your marriage should indeed be cherished and appreciated x

RandomMess · 07/08/2016 20:37

Ok so your H is actually complaining at you that you haven't organised to celebrate/mark your anniversary in anyway?

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 20:38

It's half a thread as far as I'm concerned, can you link to the beer festival one? Maybe you have disclosed more on that.

SharonfromEON · 07/08/2016 20:39

I am confused about your thread...
You say DH wants to celebrate but wants to go to a beer festival?

You do sound like a passenger in all of this.. I think the fact that the little things that went wrong on your wedding day are a reflection of how you feel.

I am divorced . however from my wedding day the bit that stands out for me was when we made our vows as it was inconsequential who was there.

I think you maybe need therapy yourself to figure out what you do want.. I hear a lot of what you don't want but not much of what you want. It certainly doesn't sounds like it was ever your DH..

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:39

The marriage has been SHITTY. A happy marriage may be a "truly wonderful thing" but I wouldn't fucking know because I haven't had one for years possibly ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:40

Link to other thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2697415-Inlaws-visiting

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2016 20:41

Do advanced search and put in ops user name. You'll find it there. Or will someone please link the beer festival thread. I don't know how to do this. Thanks Smile

TowerRavenSeven · 07/08/2016 20:41

No but then why start a thread about a wedding that isn't about a wedding at all? Even so I hope you can get out of this OP - if that's what you want - personally the idea of a groom being able to be taken by his mother the day after their wedding is mortifying.

Your happiness is your responsibility, though, not his. If you can do something about it by all means do so.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:41

I think you maybe need therapy yourself to figure out what you do want.. I hear a lot of what you don't want but not much of what you want.

8 months of therapy and I still don't know what i want Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:42

- personally the idea of a groom being able to be taken by his mother the day after their wedding is mortifying.

Not his mother.

OP posts:
THirdEeye · 07/08/2016 20:42

Am I correct that you have had a thread recently in relationships.....where your DH wanted to go to a beer festival with his dad, whilst you looked after his DM/DGF.?

If this is you, then YANBU.

WanderingTrolley1 · 07/08/2016 20:44

Yanbu.

Your wedding day sounds awful. I wouldn't feel like celebrating, either, and, I'd tell DH why.

boo2410 · 07/08/2016 20:51

OP, haven't read your other thread, but am wishing you the best of luck whatever you decide to do. Flowers Follow your heart and do what is best for you.

Lweji · 07/08/2016 20:52

OP

I sort of agree with others that the anniversary if about the marriage and not the wedding day.

The point here is how you feel about the marriage and you are clearly not enjoying it at all. That would be my reason NOT to celebrate it, not how the wedding day went.

I'd stop analysing how the day went and figure out how every day goes. Unless the wedding day can be used as an example.

It does look like you have very different versions of both, which is not surprising.
But the question is can they be reconciled? Does he acknowledge your feelings?

Idliketobeabutterfly · 07/08/2016 20:53

Yanbu. From reading all on here you need a divorce not couples counselling. He sounds like a tosser who sucks as a father too.

ovosmexidos · 07/08/2016 20:54

From the list of things that went "wrong" at your wedding day, I would say that you're overreacting hugely and need to not take everything so seriously. But having read the rest of your posts in this thread, I don't think this is really about your wedding day. You probably would be able to laugh at all those things if they'd been a precursor to a happy marriage, but it seems like they were the opposite.

You sound extremely unhappy to me, and I think you need to consider ending the relationship.

Sorry.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:55

Don't be sorry. I'm wrestling with that every day.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/08/2016 20:57

Why are you wrestling with the idea of divorce?

Is it the children losing their home (maybe)?
Something else?

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:02

It's financially extremely complicated.

We'd have to sell the house. (I love this house.)

Part of me wants to love him but I don't know if I ever will again.

OP posts:
SilverBat · 07/08/2016 21:03

I think you need to 'LTB', after reading the beer festival thread.
BUT only because you seem to have a negative view about anything he does. ( and he doesn't sound like a bastard).
I'm not trying to be a WUM, but I actually think it is you that has the issues.
You can't look back on your wedding day disasters and laugh it off in retrospect.
He wants to go to a beer festival with his father over your wedding anniversary (which you hated, so what's the need to celebrate on that particular day)??!!
You haven't said he is a bad father/abuses you.

It just sounds like you want to leave him, but are trying to come up with reasons to validate it.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:12

He wants to go to a beer festival with his father over your wedding anniversary (which you hated, so what's the need to celebrate on that particular day)??!!

You seem to have an issue with reading. I couldn't give a shit that it's our anniversary that weekend. It's our only opportunity for decent family time (me, him, DCs) over the whole of the school holidays. That's it, 3 days. And he'd like to spend 2 of them at a beer festival getting bladdered with his father while I look after the kids and skivvy for his mother and a barely mobile grandfather.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:13

But at the same time he's hurt I haven't planned anything to celebrate our anniversary.

OP posts:
SilverBat · 07/08/2016 21:16

So what's the big deal, you've still got a day!

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:20

Woo hoo! I'm so fucking lucky! 1 day! Where shall we go? Can't be anywhere that involves driving as we won't all fit in one car and DH and FIL will be too hungover to drive. Cant be too far as FIL has a fit if you try and do more than 46 miles an hour. Can't be anywhere where we need to walk because grandad won't manage it. Garbed then? Sounds like an absolute riot for the kids who will have spent pretty much every other day of the holidays there. Hmm

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread