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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not have enjoyed our wedding day?

190 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 18:28

We're in couples therapy at the moment. We've a "disconnect" around our wedding anniversary - DH wants to celebrate it; I just want it to be just another day. When I think back to our wedding day the strongest memories are:

  • seeing my sister (we hadn't spoken for 3 or 4 years until that day)
  • DH's brother (usher) turning up with a fat lip and a black eye after a fight a few nights before
  • none of the ushers (DH's brothers) doing what we asked them to do so missing things we'd wanted to happen
  • best man being incapable of getting DH to the venue so DH had to find his own way there
  • best man arriving as my car pulled up at the venue (and i was 20 mins late)
  • best man leaving his speech at the hotel
  • crying as I walked up the aisle
  • several babies screaming through our vows (as the ushers didn't do as asked and ask them to step outside)
  • neither of DH's parents speaking to me all day
  • my only grandparent refusing to come outside for photos
  • DH's grandparents suddenly deciding they didn't want the food they'd chosen before the wedding and demanding something else be made specifically for them as the food was served
  • nobody offering to buy me a drink (DH was bought several)
  • my only bridesmaid had met a bloke at a club the week before and instead of bringing him to the evening do she left without saying anything
  • DH wanting to stay at the venue until every other guest had left (3am - I was shattered)
  • DH's parents being unhappy that a distant relative had turned down her invite so they arrived at the hotel at 9am the morning after the wedding to collect DH and took him to the relative's house for the day, leaving me alone.

On their own most of these are pretty minor, but all together they make a pretty unhappy memory for me that I don't feel like celebrating. I don't really like seeing photos or being reminded of the day more than 10 years later. DH doesn't understand and thinks I should find those things funny. Hmm

I'm not BU L, am I?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/08/2016 18:52

A lot of this is down to your husband, you know. Most men wouldn't go off for the day with their mum the day after their wedding. Most men would be happy to go to bed earlier than 3 am with their new wife. What's up with this man, ffs?

bakeoffcake · 07/08/2016 18:53

What an awful day! No wonder you don't want to celebrate it.

I think there's a lot more to this though. You don't sound happy in general. Continue with the therapy and I hope you are able to find happiness.

Gardencentregroupie · 07/08/2016 18:54

I've known a few people who had disastrous weddings. All bar one still managed to find some joy in the day. The one who confided in me that she didn't enjoy her wedding, found it one of the most stressful in her life pandering to relatives etc etc, divorced her husband not long after telling me this. She's now remarried and the joy radiates from every pore in her wedding photos.

If you loved your husband and wanted to be married to him you would have found some joy on your wedding day, something to look back on with a smile. Or at least a sense of grim survival. Mind you, if your husband was worth marrying he probably would have got someone to sort you a drink. I think your feelings about your wedding are a symptom of your feelings about your marriage. I suspected as much reading the thread title and reading your updates I am sure of it.

I hope you find your happiness one way or another. Divorce doesn't mean defeat Flowers

sonlypuppyfat · 07/08/2016 18:54

His parents picked him up the day after the wedding and you spent the day on your own!!! That's bloody dreadful. This is why I only had a few witnesses big weddings are stressful

diddl · 07/08/2016 18:55

"to collect DH and took him to the relative's house for the day, leaving me alone."

I'd be divorced by now!

What an absolute arsehole.

user7755 · 07/08/2016 18:56

You don't sound like you want this marriage to continue to be honest. Weddings go tits up, people are arseholes, families are difficult but if you want to get past it, you learn to laugh at it and 'hunker down' (brilliant phrase) Is it time to be honest about what you actually want?

babbafishbabe · 07/08/2016 18:57

My bridesmaid decided she wouldn't attend 6 weeks before as did my DB and his kids.

DH best man did not attend.

The vicar was late by 2 hours and I had to wait around in the baking heat.

I puked everywhere at the reception.

My DF refused to make a speech .?

Guess what ....?we had a great day and celebrate our wedding anniversary every year !

It's not about the wedding it's about the marriage.

That's like judging your kids on the shag !

jamaisjedors · 07/08/2016 18:58

Oh dear, doesn't sound good. I am re reading 7 principles for making marriage work (Gottman) and one of the bad signs is when your memories together are negative, just as you describe. However according to the book, things are salvageable if you are prepared to work on it. Take a look, it's available on Amazon, find the advice very interesting.
Although for the moment iIhave to say you don't sound like you want to salvage anythingSad

sonlypuppyfat · 07/08/2016 18:58

The more I read on mumsnet I think who are these arseholes that women marry. I've known a few berks in my life but most the men I've met or am related to a decent blokes

diddl · 07/08/2016 18:58

You didn't enjoy the wedding day, but the anniversary should be about celebrating being married imo.

PirateFairy45 · 07/08/2016 19:00

Why don't you renew your vows. Have a few close friends there, those you can trust. Make it a day to remember in a good way.

Have fun and pave over the old memories. They don't (or shouldnt) define your marriage. X

RandomMess · 07/08/2016 19:01

OMG it's you with the other thread

No wonder your marriage is in crises your H doesn't seem to value you or your relationship at all Sad

bakeoffcake · 07/08/2016 19:02

Why are some people not reading the OPs posts properly instead of recommending she celebrates her marriage?

Her H sounds like a bellend! Why would she want to celebrate that?Hmm

OrlandaFuriosa · 07/08/2016 19:03

Ours had lots of simply dreadful things in the run up, and was deeply stressful, to the point my DM asked me if I wanted to call the whole thing off. I still can't laugh about some of it.

So I empathise with you quite a lot.

The things that strike me are your Dh being dragged off, without you, which is outrageous, and now him wanting to celebrate but expecting you to babysit.

Neither of these indicates to me someone who cherishes you. Has he done some cherishing in the interim?

Do you like him as a person? If not, deep down, you're better off without him.

trafalgargal · 07/08/2016 19:06

One day out of a future of days together and almost every day better than the wedding day. You had a wedding day, you have a marriage .....don't confuse the two.

LindyHemming · 07/08/2016 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babynamechange · 07/08/2016 19:08

What bakeoffcake said.
He sounds awful...enabling his parents to behave like that on your wedding is awful....doesn't sound like he's changed much either...what's to celebrate. No wonder you're unhappy xx

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 19:09

He arranged the most amazing holiday for my 30th. That was 9 years ago.

On our 10 year anniversary I arranged a day out and he got so drunk that the 2 hour drive home took more than 6 hours because he needed me to pull over for him to puke every 15 minutes.

I don't think I have got much love left for him now to be honest. There's not much to celebrate in my eyes.

OP posts:
Missgraeme · 07/08/2016 19:11

Maybe a separation party would be a better idea? If your marriage is in dire straights I don't think having family members there is really appropriate! If your dh thinks he is going to a beer festival he really hasn't come to terms with being married and what it entails at all!!

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 19:11

One day out of a future of days together and almost every day better than the wedding day.

Not really.

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/08/2016 19:12

Your relationship is in a bad place and for that reason, I think YANBU to not have enjoyed your wedding day and YANBU to be looking back and wondering if they were all signs that you were disconnected from the day and/or signs that you were disconnected from the relationship.

You don't have to look back with rose-coloured glasses just because it would make your DH happier. He behaved poorly and I'm guessing if your relationship is currently in crisis then he has continued to behave poorly. It's ok for you to think that and to discuss it in your counselling. Trying to pretend it was different won't help you to move on.

TheWernethWife · 07/08/2016 19:12

Bakeoff - I totally agree with you, the DH does sound like a bellend, doing what mummy said and leaving the OP on her own the day after the wedding. I wouldn't want to celebrate the disaster of a wedding and would give him his marching orders - and then celebrate.

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 19:14

It was his father that insisted on picking him up the morning afterwards. His mother goes along with whatever his father wants. Except she now drags grandad along too.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/08/2016 19:14

I'd call an end to the relationship and celebrate that instead. Do you have good friends?

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 19:15

It's just a day!
I'm being completely serious when I say that I can only remember what month we got married in, not the date.

The actual day is just a snapshot of your lives together.
I love my husband, he loves me, that's all that matters!

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