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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have enjoyed our wedding day?

190 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 18:28

We're in couples therapy at the moment. We've a "disconnect" around our wedding anniversary - DH wants to celebrate it; I just want it to be just another day. When I think back to our wedding day the strongest memories are:

  • seeing my sister (we hadn't spoken for 3 or 4 years until that day)
  • DH's brother (usher) turning up with a fat lip and a black eye after a fight a few nights before
  • none of the ushers (DH's brothers) doing what we asked them to do so missing things we'd wanted to happen
  • best man being incapable of getting DH to the venue so DH had to find his own way there
  • best man arriving as my car pulled up at the venue (and i was 20 mins late)
  • best man leaving his speech at the hotel
  • crying as I walked up the aisle
  • several babies screaming through our vows (as the ushers didn't do as asked and ask them to step outside)
  • neither of DH's parents speaking to me all day
  • my only grandparent refusing to come outside for photos
  • DH's grandparents suddenly deciding they didn't want the food they'd chosen before the wedding and demanding something else be made specifically for them as the food was served
  • nobody offering to buy me a drink (DH was bought several)
  • my only bridesmaid had met a bloke at a club the week before and instead of bringing him to the evening do she left without saying anything
  • DH wanting to stay at the venue until every other guest had left (3am - I was shattered)
  • DH's parents being unhappy that a distant relative had turned down her invite so they arrived at the hotel at 9am the morning after the wedding to collect DH and took him to the relative's house for the day, leaving me alone.

On their own most of these are pretty minor, but all together they make a pretty unhappy memory for me that I don't feel like celebrating. I don't really like seeing photos or being reminded of the day more than 10 years later. DH doesn't understand and thinks I should find those things funny. Hmm

I'm not BU L, am I?

OP posts:
Idliketobeabutterfly · 07/08/2016 21:21

One day for whole of six weeks to spend with his family.....

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:21

*Garden, even.

OP posts:
Idliketobeabutterfly · 07/08/2016 21:22

Can you not strap FIL in the back and do seventy on the motorway....

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:23

Car is a 5 seater and 2 kids in high back booster seats. Could strap two of them to the roof I suppose.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 07/08/2016 21:26

It sounds to me like you don't feel valued and that you feel he prioritises his needs and his family over you and your joint family Sad

I have no idea how you'd 'get over' that and love him again tbh.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:29

That's pretty much it, Pacific

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/08/2016 21:29

If DH and I only had 3 days we could spend together with our DC over the 6 weeks hols and one of us invited someone to come and stay instead there would be meltdown etc.

Every nuclear family needs time together without others around. The fact her H intends to spend 2 of them pissed at the beer festival and not actually with his wife and DC is beyond the pale IMHO.

PacificDogwod · 07/08/2016 21:31

Have you been albe to say just that to him: "I do not feel valued or that you prioritise me/our family"? Maybe during a session with your counsellor?
What does he say to that?

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:35

Multiple times. It's like Groundhog Day. He replies that he does, but I don't see it. Him working should be enough and I shouldn't need the other things.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/08/2016 21:36

Before deciding on divorce, could you use some assertiveness?
When he decides to visit them, you tell him to go and that you do something that weekend that doesn't involve caring for the children either.
Something like the beer weekend would be met with "that doesn't work for me" or "how will you deal with your mother and grandfather".

And why does he assume you should plan the celebration?

TBH, I'd feel like serving him divorce papers on the day.

How do the children feel about the relationship? Surely they witness how he ends up having his way and you don't rest.

IME children do value people more than things, even if sometimes it doesn't seem. You sound very sad and angry and I'm sure they pick up on it.

PacificDogwod · 07/08/2016 21:36

Well, you cannot change his behaviour, only your response to his behaviour.

I feel for you and wish you strength Thanks

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:37

Thank you.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 07/08/2016 21:38

I think you know the answer to this, and you've been told it seems in the other thread.

A PP used the word passive. That's what you are and are doing to yourself. Also you mentioned the MiL just going along with FIL and whatever he wanted. You are doing the same.

You didn't want to marry him and your have a shitty marriage and an uncaring husband. Leave him. Make a better life for yourself. Forget about the house! You can make a lovely home wth you and the DC when you are free.

Do you want to wake up j. Another 10-15yrs, DC left home and you wondering where the fuck you are and what happened to your life? Most likely not.

Start with the practical stuff. Do you work? What is your budget, where can you move, how much equity from the house or can you get an order to stay in while the DC are small. Work out a plan, and get on with it

Idliketobeabutterfly · 07/08/2016 21:44

Sorry to be nosey but why only three days with family over whole six weeks?

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:49

As per my OP in the other thread, his contract is being terminated on 31st Aug (contractor) and we have no idea where any income will come from after that. Each day off costs us around £350 so he won't be taking any. Commitments at weekends mean there's little time in a normal weekend. Hence just the 3 decent days.

OP posts:
DesolateWaist · 07/08/2016 21:50

In my very honest and very blunt opinion if you have been in relationship counselling for that long then the relationship is over.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 21:52

That's the relationship and individual counselling combined.

OP posts:
foursillybeans · 07/08/2016 21:56

I think these are all linked to issues with your DH and your marriage. They aren't really about the day as the day itself doesn't matter anymore as it has passed. If all was ok in your relationship then you probably would find most of them funny. I think you are using them as something to focus on rather than your actual issues. Sorry OP. I hope you find some resolution and life gets better for you.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 07/08/2016 21:56

silver stop being a dick and actually read what the OP is saying, both threads. If you can't be bothered, then you are wasting your time with your, quite frankly, ridiculous comments.

Seriously OP, he isn't going to change. Do you really want to be unhappy forever? You sound very downtrodden. The therapy clearly isn't working as he has invited his pita relatives on the only 3 days you get as a family. He is telling you loud and clear where his priorities are. And it certainly isn't his wife or children.

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 21:57

I think you sound very frustrated, but it's seems more about you than your DH.
What is his response when you want to do something by yourself/with friends etc.
Sorry, but I find it difficult to read one thread, let alone two, so may have missed something.

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 22:07

Harrypotter
What Ridiculous comments? Pray enlighten me?

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 22:24

PITA relatives, oh, you mean the children's grandparents. I forget that there is a vast swathe of people on Mumsnet that think their children shouldn't have a relationship with them. I don't particularly like my MIL, but I suck it up because my children have a right to a relationship with her. So if DH wanted to go to a beer festival with his DF, then I'm sure I could cope with a couple of days out of my whole life!

Lweji · 07/08/2016 22:31

Silver, you may have missed, how the OP travels for 5 hours each way to ILs every couple of months or so, where her OH is offered beer all the time and she ends up driving, instead of sharing.
And how these 3 days were the only free days they would have as a family for several weeks and that also coincide with the wedding anniversary.
How the ILs could have and were supposed to have visited at other times during the year.
Plus, how the OP has to cope with an elderly grandparent as well visiting, who has to stay in the lounge and goes to bed at 9pm.
How the nearest bus stop is miles from the house and neither MIL or the grandfather don't drive.
And how her own family is no work on her OH, wheres she is dumped with taking care and entertaining the ILs while her OH goes off drinking for 2 days with his dad.
How her OH has had times out during the year, whereas the OP hasn't.

It has nothing to do with preventing a relationship with the grandchildren or letting the OH enjoy himself for once.

I do advise you to read the OP's posts carefully and also on the other thread. It's well worth the bother, before you post berating the OP. It's not her that is looking bad here.

Inertia · 07/08/2016 22:32

I think Doreen hit the nail on the head when she said that the day is just a snapshot of the marriage, and in your case it proved to be a reliable omen of the disappointments of your marriage. I feel for you - I read the start of your other thread, and it sounds incredibly frustrating. Your husband seems to have followed his father's lead in terms of giving orders and expecting everyone else to dance to his tune.

Pacific is right - your responses are the only thing you can change. And I genuinely have no idea how you'd rebuild a marriage where your husband has shown zero respect for you from day one.

Lweji · 07/08/2016 22:33

Sorry, neither MIL nor the grandfather drive