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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have enjoyed our wedding day?

190 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 18:28

We're in couples therapy at the moment. We've a "disconnect" around our wedding anniversary - DH wants to celebrate it; I just want it to be just another day. When I think back to our wedding day the strongest memories are:

  • seeing my sister (we hadn't spoken for 3 or 4 years until that day)
  • DH's brother (usher) turning up with a fat lip and a black eye after a fight a few nights before
  • none of the ushers (DH's brothers) doing what we asked them to do so missing things we'd wanted to happen
  • best man being incapable of getting DH to the venue so DH had to find his own way there
  • best man arriving as my car pulled up at the venue (and i was 20 mins late)
  • best man leaving his speech at the hotel
  • crying as I walked up the aisle
  • several babies screaming through our vows (as the ushers didn't do as asked and ask them to step outside)
  • neither of DH's parents speaking to me all day
  • my only grandparent refusing to come outside for photos
  • DH's grandparents suddenly deciding they didn't want the food they'd chosen before the wedding and demanding something else be made specifically for them as the food was served
  • nobody offering to buy me a drink (DH was bought several)
  • my only bridesmaid had met a bloke at a club the week before and instead of bringing him to the evening do she left without saying anything
  • DH wanting to stay at the venue until every other guest had left (3am - I was shattered)
  • DH's parents being unhappy that a distant relative had turned down her invite so they arrived at the hotel at 9am the morning after the wedding to collect DH and took him to the relative's house for the day, leaving me alone.

On their own most of these are pretty minor, but all together they make a pretty unhappy memory for me that I don't feel like celebrating. I don't really like seeing photos or being reminded of the day more than 10 years later. DH doesn't understand and thinks I should find those things funny. Hmm

I'm not BU L, am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 10/08/2016 11:42

He doesn't know it but I have a plan b. If he fails to walk the walk this time me and the kids will be gone for the weekend with no notice.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 10/08/2016 11:42

He knows this is make or break.

OP posts:
Vickyyyy · 10/08/2016 12:26

I didn't really enjoy my wedding day. Main problem (though there were several) was that my mother didn't bother to show up...instead she decided a girls weekend away to fucking Skegness was more important.

However, to me it was just another day, a stressful one, but still another day. I will still celebrate anniversaries and such. And it has caused no problems in my marriage or anything (besides DH being off with my mother when he sees her as he thinks it was a disgrace what she did)

You just IMO kinda need to get over it. It was just a bad day. It happens

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 10/08/2016 12:30

You just IMO kinda need to read the full thread. Wink

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 10/08/2016 12:38

He doesn't know it but I have a plan b. If he fails to walk the walk this time me and the kids will be gone for the weekend with no notice.

Good. He sounds extraordinarily selfish. No need for you to fit in around the edges of plans he makes to please himself.

Vickyyyy · 10/08/2016 12:39

You just IMO kinda need to read the full thread.

Sorry, will do. I have a habit of reading OP then replying, especially when threads are 8 pages long Blush

Vickyyyy · 10/08/2016 12:46

OK right, from the OP it was made out that the problem was the wedding day. Form your further posts it seems the problem is the marriage in general. from what you have said, I personally think you are wasting your time with therapy. If everything you have posted is accurate your husband sounds like a selfish cunt who couldn't GAF if you are happy or not.

I would be looking at leaving tbh, I know you don't want to uproot the kids and such but its better for the kids to be in a happy home than one where they can tell their mother resents the father (which I assume is happening now, you seem to have a lot of resentment towards him and unless you are a fantastic actress, this will show)

In short, OP alone, you came across as unreasonable

Everything else considered, your husband seems unreasonable and you seem unhappy.

sarahnova69 · 10/08/2016 12:52

YANBU, OP. That said, when I first read your original post, I did think YWBabitU, but your further posts make it clear that the problem is, and always was, you were unsure about getting married in the first place (and also your H is a knob).

I think other posters have already said what I would say: this marriage is probably over. What I want to point out: that feeling of dissociation, of watching from outside, that you had on your wedding day - that's not normal. That's a reaction to severe stress, and it sounds like, in large part, it was because you were once again "going along" with something, a huge thing, you weren't sure you should be doing - and, in your heart of hearts, perhaps you knew you didn't want to do.

Are you seeing a counsellor individually? Because if you aren't, I would strongly recommend it. I think you need to do some work on being confident about what you want, and never again "going along".

hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2016 13:54

if it makes your husband happy?
Dear or deary me!!!
Have we, as women, really come to this in the year 2016!?

OP I'm very glad you have a plan B.
From your previous post it seems they probably show but at least you can get away if they do.
I think you know what you need to do about the rest of it.
But take your time.... You'll get there.

Lweji · 10/08/2016 13:58

That's good to know, OP.

I do hope he does come through for you. Sadly, I think that even if he does, you will have to keep putting your foot down and be prepared to leave as he is likely to keep pushing your boundaries and try to act selfishly.
Let's hope not, but don't let this be a one occasion where you assert yourself.

MunchCrunch01 · 10/08/2016 14:17

i absolutely agree with Lweji, and I am highly doubtful that in your shoes I'd want the continual slugfest to try and shape your DH into something resembling my bottom line. Lots of people hit these problems but your DH persistently doesn't put you first and even if he pulls it out the bag, it all feels like too little and too late.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2016 16:01

Good glad you've got a cunning plan.

PacificDogwod · 10/08/2016 19:33

I am wishing you well.

I am unsure of myself whether I am wishing for you to need Plan B or not Confused, but I hope your situation improves, with or without your H.
Hope the weekend is not too traumatic Thanks

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 12/08/2016 21:27

Things are looking up, slightly. Due to another relative's arrangements, PIL and GFIL now not coming till the last day of the beer festival, so DH will be around for their whole visit. He's struggling to think of things to do with them given GF's mobility issues. This is great, because it means he realises it's his issue to solve. He's also said that DC and I don't have to do things with them if we don't want to. So we can pick and choose and hopefully have a good weekend with or without him. And I still have plan B up my sleeve. Grin

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/08/2016 22:48

At least the weekend looks to be ok. :)

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