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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not have enjoyed our wedding day?

190 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 18:28

We're in couples therapy at the moment. We've a "disconnect" around our wedding anniversary - DH wants to celebrate it; I just want it to be just another day. When I think back to our wedding day the strongest memories are:

  • seeing my sister (we hadn't spoken for 3 or 4 years until that day)
  • DH's brother (usher) turning up with a fat lip and a black eye after a fight a few nights before
  • none of the ushers (DH's brothers) doing what we asked them to do so missing things we'd wanted to happen
  • best man being incapable of getting DH to the venue so DH had to find his own way there
  • best man arriving as my car pulled up at the venue (and i was 20 mins late)
  • best man leaving his speech at the hotel
  • crying as I walked up the aisle
  • several babies screaming through our vows (as the ushers didn't do as asked and ask them to step outside)
  • neither of DH's parents speaking to me all day
  • my only grandparent refusing to come outside for photos
  • DH's grandparents suddenly deciding they didn't want the food they'd chosen before the wedding and demanding something else be made specifically for them as the food was served
  • nobody offering to buy me a drink (DH was bought several)
  • my only bridesmaid had met a bloke at a club the week before and instead of bringing him to the evening do she left without saying anything
  • DH wanting to stay at the venue until every other guest had left (3am - I was shattered)
  • DH's parents being unhappy that a distant relative had turned down her invite so they arrived at the hotel at 9am the morning after the wedding to collect DH and took him to the relative's house for the day, leaving me alone.

On their own most of these are pretty minor, but all together they make a pretty unhappy memory for me that I don't feel like celebrating. I don't really like seeing photos or being reminded of the day more than 10 years later. DH doesn't understand and thinks I should find those things funny. Hmm

I'm not BU L, am I?

OP posts:
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 19:15

Some. Not so many nowadays as kids have arrived and people have moved away.

I don't want to lose my children their home. Sad

OP posts:
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 19:16

The actual day is just a snapshot of your lives together

Please RTFT.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 07/08/2016 19:17

Why are you in couples therapy? It doesn't sound like you have much reason to want your marriage to continue, understandably.
I'm sorry - you sound very unhappy.

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 19:19

Ok HeCantBeSerious, am I allowed to just read the OPs' posts though?

redexpat · 07/08/2016 19:20

Did he ever acknowledge that your actual wedding day was less than perfect? I totally see why you're annoyed, but also agree with the other posters about celebrating the marriage rather than the wedding. Although your updates show that there's not really much to celebrate. If I had gone to the effort of planning somehing for the 10th anniversary, and DH ruined it by being completely drunk, I'd be fuming. Does he care about anything that's important to you?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 07/08/2016 19:20

How awful Flowers

You're right. Why should you dwell on a day that means nothing to you. Just be aware of whatever your DP is reading into this and make sure it's a message you're happy to send.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 07/08/2016 19:22

It doesn't sound like the memory of your wedding is the problem at all. My wedding was hellish although the actual marriage ceremony was lovely.(Way bigger than I wanted, more about him than me or us, far too many family dramas and having to overhear my father saying some really nasty things about me during the wedding breakfast). But I don't regret the marriage so it doesn't bother me at all now.

It sounds like you really want out, and if you do then surely it's pointless to faff about with anniversary celebrations. Equally, I'd be sticking his beer festival idea where the sun doesn't shine and refusing to host his family members.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2016 19:23

That beer festival thread. Yes. Haven't you booked a weekend away with your dcs yet? No you shouldn't be babysitting the inlaws.

They all sound like narcissistic twats - get thee to a holiday!

RandomMess · 07/08/2016 19:23

You know for you this marriage is already over so perhaps spend your couples therapy working out the best way to separate and tell him that you are not prepared to host his family at all anymore as it's over for you.

Flowers
seven201 · 07/08/2016 19:27

I think you're being unreasonable. Totally fine to have been pissed off at some of your list at the time but you should be laughing at them by now (except the crying down the isle perhaps). Anniversaries are about the marriage not the wedding. For what it's worth I associate my wedding with my mum dying (we had a rush wedding as she had a terminal illness that affected her brain so she behaved very strangely all day) but that doesn't stop me celebrating the wedded years passing. All we do for anniversaries is a card and meal out at some stage within the month we got married in. I wouldn't care if the actual date was taken by relatives visiting.

PerspicaciaTick · 07/08/2016 19:29

seven201 - have you read the OP's posts that make it clear her marriage is as unhappy as her wedding day was?

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 19:29

Yep, I've read the thread, and think you should chill out a bit, and do as your ''DH' says and laugh about it.
Methinks there is more to it than just a shitty wedding day.
The only thing I wouldn't find ok was him disappearing the next day with the parents to visit the naughty relative that didn't turn up.

MisshapesMistakes · 07/08/2016 19:29

I struggle with our anniversary too for similar reasons. I got plastered on my wedding day from nerves and barely eating and so did my family - the day ended in a huge fight with my brother trashing my flag and me and my husband having a huge argument. It was fucking awful but I try to concentrate on the ceremony which was a okay. So no wisdom just sympathy.

frumpet · 07/08/2016 19:30

Was your 30th after the wedding ? do you think he organised the amazing holiday because he knew you were let down at the wedding ?

MisshapesMistakes · 07/08/2016 19:32

Oops, I'm sorry, should have RTFT. Flowers

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/08/2016 19:32

Methinks there is more to it than a shitty wedding day
You don't have to 'think' to come to that conclusion.The OP makes it clear in her posts Hmm

Isetan · 07/08/2016 19:39

Is marriage councelling just like the wedding, house, kids etc, just something you're going along with? If it is, isn't it time you get out of the passenger seat of your life and take the wheel.

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 19:42

Where does she APlaceOnThe Couch?

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 19:45

So he got drunk on me of their anniversary so. So what? Maybe they' should have got a taxi, and then OP could have too!!

PerspicaciaTick · 07/08/2016 19:46

SilverBat - the posts about therapy, there being no love left, that the "future days" of her marriage were as bad as her wedding day - lots of them. All there for you to read.

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 19:47

Do you often get a taxi for 150 miles with young kids?

OP posts:
YeOldMa · 07/08/2016 19:49

My DD's in-laws arrived late for the ceremony and refused to come in during an interval. They then proceeded to insist that all their family members leave the wedding immediately before the photos had been taken because they were so offended we hadn't delayed the wedding for them to be there. Not that they had any choice. My DD wouldn't allow them to ruin her day and carried on regardless. We all pulled together to ensure she had the best day she could. Now, I think SIL is as big a knob as the rest of them as he has led her a real song and a dance but she tries to remain positive for her DC's. It seems to be a bit of a waste of her life but at least she seems reasonably happy. You, however, do not. Don't waste your life or show your DC's to be passive and negative. Show them you won't be walked all over and take control of your life so you can find happiness.

Balletblue · 07/08/2016 19:49

You say you don't want your children to lose their home? Is this what would happen if you separated? Does this matter more than your happiness?

SilverBat · 07/08/2016 19:49

My DH has missed approx 8 of our DD's birthdays. Just missed the last one on Saturday. Does that make him a bad father - I think not, and we discuss it with her too. (She was 19 yesterday, and he wasn't here) she would come on her saying e same too. It's what they are like the rest of the year, not just 'significant days'!!

bluebeck · 07/08/2016 19:51

I have just realised which poster you are......what are you doing about the beer festival shit Dh has foisted on you for your wedding anniversary? I know pretty much everyone suggested you leave him to it. Is that what you are doing?

I bloody would.

Wanker!

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