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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have enjoyed our wedding day?

190 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 18:28

We're in couples therapy at the moment. We've a "disconnect" around our wedding anniversary - DH wants to celebrate it; I just want it to be just another day. When I think back to our wedding day the strongest memories are:

  • seeing my sister (we hadn't spoken for 3 or 4 years until that day)
  • DH's brother (usher) turning up with a fat lip and a black eye after a fight a few nights before
  • none of the ushers (DH's brothers) doing what we asked them to do so missing things we'd wanted to happen
  • best man being incapable of getting DH to the venue so DH had to find his own way there
  • best man arriving as my car pulled up at the venue (and i was 20 mins late)
  • best man leaving his speech at the hotel
  • crying as I walked up the aisle
  • several babies screaming through our vows (as the ushers didn't do as asked and ask them to step outside)
  • neither of DH's parents speaking to me all day
  • my only grandparent refusing to come outside for photos
  • DH's grandparents suddenly deciding they didn't want the food they'd chosen before the wedding and demanding something else be made specifically for them as the food was served
  • nobody offering to buy me a drink (DH was bought several)
  • my only bridesmaid had met a bloke at a club the week before and instead of bringing him to the evening do she left without saying anything
  • DH wanting to stay at the venue until every other guest had left (3am - I was shattered)
  • DH's parents being unhappy that a distant relative had turned down her invite so they arrived at the hotel at 9am the morning after the wedding to collect DH and took him to the relative's house for the day, leaving me alone.

On their own most of these are pretty minor, but all together they make a pretty unhappy memory for me that I don't feel like celebrating. I don't really like seeing photos or being reminded of the day more than 10 years later. DH doesn't understand and thinks I should find those things funny. Hmm

I'm not BU L, am I?

OP posts:
Arkhamasylum · 07/08/2016 19:52

You're entitled to your feelings, OP. There's no 'should' about it. You would have laughed if you'd found any of it funny. You didn't. No-one can (or should) force you to pretend.

You sound unhappy. I'm sorry. Maybe it would be better if your husband understood why you feel the way you do. Maybe your therapist / counsellor can help with that?

Best of luck, anyway Flowers

Arkhamasylum · 07/08/2016 19:54

Ah. I haven't read the beer festival thread.

You can't force him to change. You do deserve to be happy.

PacificDogwod · 07/08/2016 19:55

YANBU to feel whatever you are feeling about your wedding day - sounds awful.

However, the fact that you still feel that strongly about it all these years later smacks to me more about how you don't feel heard by your DH about how awful you felt things were at the time and say a lot IMO about the state of your partnership with your DH (stating the obvious as you are in couples' counselling).

What prompted you to seek counselling? Who instigated it? Are you finding it useful?

Fwiw, I feel that the emphasis on The Wedding Day that we tend to place is such that it gets such ridiculous pressure to be Perfect and therefore often does 'fail'. It is just one day - if the rest of your marriage was hunky-dory you would likely in the meantime found a way to 'laugh about it'.

I dreaded my wedding day (I hate being centre of attention and the whole dressing up thing etc etc), but had a lovely time. My marriage? Well, lets just say, work in progress - some 18 years later…. Hmm

DoreenLethal · 07/08/2016 19:58

The actual day is just a snapshot of your lives together

Yes, I think this is the actual problem. It's a shit life married to an arsehole so what is there to celebrate.

OP - throw a celebration party [put it on his credit cards] and invite all the family/friends. At the crucial moment, hand him your divorce petition in true Eastenders style. Then flounce out with a tasty bloke on your arm [hire one if you have to]. And go get your self a brand new life.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 07/08/2016 19:59

Sorry, but this sounds like you're miserable about your marriage and not your wedding. Is this salvageable or should you actually be splitting up? It doesn't sound like a happy Union frankly and life is bloody short.

Shakey15000 · 07/08/2016 19:59

Quite evident it was a shitty day for you and seemingly, a shitty marriage. I'd cut my losses tbh.

PacificDogwod · 07/08/2016 20:01

Oh dear, I clearly missed the beer festival thread, there's more to this.

You do sound unhappy, OP, I am so sorry Thanks

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:01

I think many of the things I listed were omens really. The way PIL have behaved towards me and DC, BILs doing whatever they like regardless, DH not making great choices and me ending up having to pick up the pieces, him prioritising his family over me/DC, not doing thoughtful little things for me (cups of tea etc), his focus being elsewhere. They're pretty common threads in our relationship.

OP posts:
SilverBat · 07/08/2016 20:03

If I had had an anniversary celebration 150 miles away than we would have made a night of it and stayed there!!!!!!
Sorry I must be out of the loop and haven't read the beer festival thread!!!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 07/08/2016 20:03

Oh it's that 'D'H. Tell him to shove his anniversary and dump him. It's obvious that after more than 10 years it's a symbol of a lot more wrong than just a shitty wedding day (and yes it does sound shit).

Do you love him OP?

Did you love him when you married him?

Do you actually want the marriage to work (ignoring where you would live etc)?

Honestly I think it sounds like this one sided relationship ran it's course a long long time ago.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 07/08/2016 20:05

silver the 'd'H has invited his parents and elderly grandad for the weekend of the anniversary and wants to fuck off to a beer festival with his dad, leaving OP to entertain an elderly GF and MIL. Utterly selfish arse who has no regard for his wife and it's no surprise the OP is unhappy.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:08

If I had had an anniversary celebration 150 miles away than we would have made a night of it and stayed there!!!!!!

Well, we aren't all the same. Hmm

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2016 20:09

silverbat I suggest you read it and eat humble pie!

TowerRavenSeven · 07/08/2016 20:10

Yanbu for not having any good memories. Less than a week before our wedding my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and told she had six months. It was awful. Before the ceremony (which I'm surprised she even made) my mother's relatives stood around crying about my mother's impending death. There was a funeral that went late before our ceremony so the hearse was pulling out when all our guests were coming in.

I don't look at our wedding pictures much at all. The day really holds some very painful memories for me and this was 16 years ago!! But Yabu at not celebrating your anniversary! Dh and I look at each other and say we can't believe how fecking awful it was but look at us now! Beautiful family and we're happy. If I was celebrating the actual wedding every year it would suck, but I'm not. We celebrate the marriage!

Does it absolute stink to have horrible memories of your wedding? Yep it does. My own poor mother told me she was so sorry - she knew how painful it would always be for me. But you deal with it, you steel yourself and go on.

nooka · 07/08/2016 20:16

If your dh is planning on going to a beer festival with his father then in what way is he planning on celebrating your anniversary in any case? It all sounds horribly dysfunctional.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:18

That was my point nooka

He's wounded about me not planning any sort of celebration, but he's royally buggered up the weekend anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:19

Dh and I look at each other and say we can't believe how fecking awful it was but look at us now! Beautiful family and we're happy. If I was celebrating the actual wedding every year it would suck, but I'm not. We celebrate the marriage!

(If you RTFT you'll see that) there's not much of a marriage to celebrate. Sad

OP posts:
January87 · 07/08/2016 20:22

I think you need to divorce your DH as you just don't like him.

Isetan · 07/08/2016 20:25

This is who he is and has always been, either accept it and carry on being miserable or start making plans to improve your lot. Feeling sorry for yourself and handwringing etc have never been very effective situation changers.

You've only got one life and there are no medals for choosing to stay unhappy,

TowerRavenSeven · 07/08/2016 20:25

You are right, I'd not be celebrating either if I were you.

OrlandaFuriosa · 07/08/2016 20:26

It sounds as though he has never really understood the important underlying issues in your wedding, less the events themselves than what they indicated to you, ( prob not to him) and acted upon it to make up for them.

Have you acted similarly?

Inequality if approach or understanding is not a good basis.

Isetan · 07/08/2016 20:30

Right now, you need individual and not marriage counselling because your reluctance to own your decisions has played a big part in why you're here.

pollyblack · 07/08/2016 20:31

I didnt enjoy my wedding either. But as others have said your anniversary isnt really about the actual wedding day but a celebration of the time you have spent together.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:31

I'm also having individual counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 07/08/2016 20:32

your anniversary isnt really about the actual wedding day but a celebration of the time you have spent together.

For the umpteenth time, the marriage hasn't been all that and a bag of chips either!

OP posts: