Driving with children after a pint

[Mrbluethecatt]

I was away with my friend at her DBro/SIL's for the weekend in England. We came in friends car and I have a broken foot so can't currently drive. my friends 2Dcs were also with us.

We all 4 adults and 2 DDs were due to go to a sports event yesterday however the SIL was unwell with bad morning sickness so couldn't make it. Friends DBro wanted to take the kids and asked my friend to stay with SIL. I was to go with the DDs to help with going to the toilet etc.

When we got there friends DBro went to the refreshments bit and bought drinks including a pint of beer for himself. I wasnt happy with this as Friends and I are from Scotland where drinking and driving is very socially unacceptable and even 1 pint would put you over the limit.

Before he started drinking I quietly said I wasn't comfortable with him drinking and driving the DCs. He got very annoyed with me and took a large drink and pretty much downed the pint in one.

I called my friend and told her and said I would pay for a taxi for me and the kids home after the event finished. The event only lasted an hour.

Friends DBro was angry at me for refusing to let him take the kids home and for me calling my friend. The DCS and me got a taxi home.

My friend had words with her DBro about expecting she would be ok for him to drive the DCs after drinking. After we got home last night friends SIL called me to tell me that I was out of order and was never allowed in her home again. I considered sil as a friend as we went to Uni together. She has told a few others what happened as I have had a few texts saying I should apologise to friends DBro. I dont think I should.

Aibu? Should I apologise?

It never occurred to me that he would be drinking as he was driving so perhaps I was OTT. Both myself and my DH never do so when driving with or without the DSSs. Nor do my friends (including the one who's children were with us). Why he didn't just admit he intended to drink I don't know.

I never intended to embarrass him and anger friends SIL. I would hate for my friendship with the SIL to come to an end over this. I need to call them tonight after they finish work. I'm just not sure what to say.

In future I should just ask before going. A simple are you planning on drinking? Would have avoided this.

Yabu and over reacting OP.

Sorry, just saw it wasn't your DC. Not sure that makes much difference though, as it sounds like you spoke to their mum and she agreed it was better to take a taxi than to drive after a pint? In the end I think it was reasonable for you to check with her, and then if she agreed to get a cab. Sounds like a lot of fuss/fall out over a very small disagreement. If you are getting push back from other friends I would just say that.

Presumably your actual direct friendship has not been affected: the Mum is still standing by you?

YANBU - If DH and I go out with the children and there's alcohol, only one of us will drink and the other will drive, or we don't drink at all. I wouldn't be happy about someone else drinking and driving my children, when I don't.

You weren't happy, your friend wasn't happy, you got a taxi. That sounds like the sensible thing to do. He probably needs to get over himself, but I'm sorry that it's caused a problem with your friend.

YABU. One pint is not going to impair him. And if the children were not actually yours, their safety is not your call.

If you had real qualms about your own safety, you should have quietly called a taxi for yourself, without specifying why - not insulted the person providing you with a lift. Instead you called into question his judgment and your friend's judgment on extremely flimsy grounds and expect them to overlook that? You owe them both an apology.

One pint of lager over an hour or 2 and driving is fine in my world.

IMO your reaction was OTT. He is the children's uncle after all, and his sister (your friend as I read it) no doubt knows him better than you do.

I think you not only created a massive drama, but it really wasn't your business to do so. On first read I thought "your children your call" but they weren't your children were they? They were the mans nieces/nephews.

If he was getting drunk of course you would have a point. But one pint - FFS talk about pissing on everyones chips, not to mention being rude and judgmental.

Yes I think you should apologise to him.

If I've read this right you were a guest in this man's home for the weekend, and made a fuss about him doing something completely legal, and in a very strong way insulted him by suggesting that he was being negligent.

YABU, and you realise this because other people have told you so, but lets be honest, even if you apologise you're not being invited again are you?

As people have pointed out unless the taxi had the proper seats in it, it was more dangerous than a guy driving who had one pint an hour ago.

Don't listen to closely to the others telling you that you're reasonable, in any sense of the word you weren't.

Sorry but YABU.

You might want to decide that if you are driving then you will never have any alcohol at all. You might decide that you will never do that with children with you.
However, the driver wasn't doing anything illegal (he wasn't over the limit).
The children weren't yours.
And clearly the way you made the comment made him think he was been policed/judged and that you clearly knew better than him (hence the childsih 'I'm going to drink it all in one go')

Sorry to answer questions.

No we weren't staying at their house. We stayed at a hotel.

He hadnt started drinking it when I spoke to him. The girls didn't hear me speak to him and only knew we were getting a taxi after the event ended. I made it sound like a treat rather than saying 'oh your uncle has been drinking so you can't go in the car with him.'

I admit I probably could have handled it better. I was surprised that the issue even arose.

Maybe because having a single beer or glass of wine is not a big deal to some people, so they feel no need to "admit" it or mention in advance? It would never cross my mind to discuss such a thing unless heading to an all-day affair like a wedding or festival.

If you are concerned, the thing to do is not ask people preemptively "are you planning to drink?" -- how intrusive - but rather OFFER to be the designated driver. "I'll drive in case you want to enjoy a pint."

Don't accept chauffeur service from someone and then criticize on the grounds of a single drink.

"Why he didn't just admit he intended to drink I don't know."

Very loaded language. He probably didn't "admit" it because it's not illegal and he didn't think any reasonable person would kick off about it.

I totally agree.

You were a guest in his home, he was taking you out and he was the children's uncle. They are probably wishing you hadn't gone.

Yanbu. We never have any alcoholic drinks if driving, it's not worth the risk. I hope everywhere adopts the same stance as Scotland.

You were unreasonable and ott, he was childish and immature.

6-of-1

I was surprised that the issue even arose.

Not as surprised as he was!

He downed the pint in one to make a point?! He is a dickhead.

Also, I believe one strong pint could put you over the limit.

The pertinent point is that OP's friend, the DCs' mother, didn't want them to be driven by her brother, after a pint.

This is therefore a discussion between the two siblings and nothing to do with the OP, who was just the messenger.

It's nothing to do with what anyone else thinks about driving after a pint, either.

Initially the decision to have a pint or not arose out of differences of experience or social norms. Does the DB not have DCs? Probably just didn't even think of it as an issue. Bit odd that his sister, knowing him, didn't spell out her expectations beforehand.

It seems to me that the brother must be a bit of a tosser who rates his 'pride' as more important than others' ideas about their own DCs' (his nieces) safety and/or OP spoke to him less than politely. All she needed to convey was 'oh, I didn't realise you were going to be drinking, we will probably need to make other transport arrangements for the DC, I'll check with their DM'. Otherwise, why is anyone upset at OP?

I would be curious to know the ages of the people involved.

OP is there any possibility that your friend would have been fine with her brother driving her DCs, had you not been there?

Did she feel put on the spot, a bit embarrassed by your perception of her, maybe feeling a need to back you up? Otherwise it is hard to see why it's not being a viewed as a disagreement between the two siblings.

Oh dear! it's the "think of the children" excuse for being a judgmental prat again.

I've read and re-read your OP several times and I still can't quite figure it out 100% but it sounds like the driver was the kids' uncle. Is that correct? If so why would you assume any kind of loco parentis responsibility?

He had a pint which would not have put him over even Scotland's conservative limits (which I am all in favour of BTW) unless he was especially small or the pint was unusually strong. Add to that, the body metabolizes alcohol at the rate of roughly 1 unit per hour so that pint would be pretty much out his system within two hours and you say he drank it when you arrived at the venue.

So they weren't your kids and whether you like to think so or not he was not remotely close to being over the legal limit, yet you chose to make a massive drama out of it. This has nothing to do with the drink-drive laws, nothing to do with road safety, nothing to do with the kids and nothing to do with you being a doctor. It's about you trying to enforce your purely personal zero tolerance opinion on someone else, regardless of what the law says, and then spitting your dummy when he dared to defy you.

OP is there any possibility that your friend would have been fine with her brother driving her DCs, had you not been there

I'd like to know this, too.

Has your friend fallen out with her brother and SIL or is it just you that isn't welcome in their home again?

privatepike I never said I was unhappy because I was from Scotland I said I was unhappy as I don't agree with drink driving in any country. I mentioned Scotland because in my circle if friends/relations drink driving isn't the done thing.

My friend was fine with me taking the DCs in a taxi. She had words with her DBro upon his return to his house.

The children's mum wasn't happy for them to be driven by someone who had drunk alcohol, so regardless of the fact that he hadn't broken the law - you did the right thing by calling a taxi. He is a total idiot for downing a pint just to make a point.