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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

638 replies

Longlost10 · 24/07/2016 23:42

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

OP posts:
alreadytaken · 26/07/2016 20:30

can't RTFT as mumsnet fonts are being wierd and making paes unreadable - but I'm with Alibobb. Right to be upset, adults should apologise for not listening to the child.

Thunderbumsmum · 26/07/2016 20:50

Not for the first time I am astounded at the stupidity on Mumsnet.

  1. The Playscheme should have access to parents' phone numbers at all times in case of emergency.
  2. In case of emergency, such as the agreed lift home for a child being unavailable, the parent should be contacted.
  3. Playscheme workers are not allowed to take children off site without parents' permission.
  4. Playscheme workers are not allowed to take children in cars or minibuses without parents' permission.
  5. Playscheme workers are not allowed to take children in cars or minibuses without the correct insurance.

And that is just for starters. God help the kids of some of you lot.

Lieveke77 · 26/07/2016 20:57

YABU - she was trying to help. If this would happen to me and the staff would work out a solution amongst eachother to get my child home whilst im at work i would be grateful.

NewRoadToHappinessxx · 26/07/2016 20:58

Play worker one is at fault not two who had probably had a v long day and was left in a difficult situation, maybe she was blocking him as she was worried he would run off? When she refers to doing a friend a favour she may be talking about her employee rather than you ? YABU thank god your child got home safely - she could have left him by the side of the road after her responsibly for him had ended or charged you by the minute until you could pick him up. Chill out, hug your boy and move on!

Thunderbumsmum · 26/07/2016 20:59

Sigh

TotallySpies17 · 26/07/2016 21:06

God help the kids of some of you lot

Fucking over dramatic sanctimonious comment!

sigh at the arrogance of perfect mumsnet parents.

Thingamajiggy · 26/07/2016 21:06

Yes she should have called you but to be cross with someone you've known for years giving your child a lift home is CRAZY LADY!

She probably thought your DS was being a little brat and needed to do as he was told.

It's great that he knows not to get in someone's car without your permission but presumably you mean that to apply to people you don't count as friends?

Minor misunderstanding all round and you're absolutely insane for considering reporting her. Just say thanks, explain the situation to your DS and be done with it.

GaniyaI · 26/07/2016 21:14

You do not force a child to get into your car no matter what. I'm surprised at the responses from a lot of other people.I just hope your son is okay .As it was a favor ,maybe not report her but have a talk with worker one to call you next time instead of handing off your child to someone else .

Eastie77 · 26/07/2016 21:23

Our childminder dropped DD home a while back at an agreed time but unfortunately I was seriously delayed on the tube so no-one was at home. Our next door neighbour (middle aged lady) saw CM standing outside and offered to take DD to her place. She is a very good friend of mine and has known DD since the day she was born. DD ran to her happily and was clearly fine to stay with her. Despite this our CM refused to leave her, even though waiting for me meant she missed a very important meeting, because she could not get hold of me to ask my permission. She knows my neighbour to talk to and was sure DD would have been fine but (in her words) "you just never know" I also think it is important for DD to know she should not go into anyone's house without my permission and knowledge.

OP - YANBU but the thread title is a bit dramatic and seems to suggest worker 2 physically bundled your DS into the car.

Anyway both workers were in the wrong.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/07/2016 21:39

Fucking hell sometimes this place is like a parallel universe, or a competition to see who can be the most chilled out about their child.

YANBU. I have told me children they aren't to go with ANYONE unless they have been told that person is picking them up, too much potential for it to go wrong. They think knowing someone's name to say hello to means they aren't a stranger, er no, not true. It's better to have a blanket rule rather than "well if it X, Y or Z then that's Ok, or if this happens and some you know wants to take you home but we haven't said then that's Ok etc etc. It just muddies the waters and makes it very confusing for children.

At school a while ago, a few of us had informal arrangements with each other, if one didn't turn up, we could pick up another child, we usually received a phone call from the late parent to let us know to take their child or something but there was a cock up one day and one of the parents took a child that was supposed to be in after school club. It ended up a bit of a mess but was quickly sorted. Now one parents disagreed that this had even been a problem and said if she had turned up and I hadn't been there, she would quite happily take my child home and phone me when she was there. As I live nearby and don't take my phone on the school run, I could easily have been frantically looking for my child that had been taken by another parent - a friend of mine who my child knew - I stopped it then and there and said no, that wasn't to happen. She was quite put out by it tbh but there was easily room for something to go wrong one day it was confusing to the child so a blanket rule of don't go with anyone and just go back in to school was made (by me, the other still all do it). I'm still gobsmacked that many posters feel it's ott to tell your child not to get in someone's car unless they know that person is supposed to be taking them!

mysteriousbat · 26/07/2016 21:54

Tricky one.
On the one hand, I have told my dd never to get in the car with anyone except close family without me telling her it is ok to do so. Having said that, although I don't think it was right of worker 2 to force your child into the car and she really should have called you, i think it was an innocent mistake and not worth making a formal complaint about. Just explain that your ds has been taught that rule about getting into people's cars and if the situation should ever arise again then you want a phone call first. No need for the fuss

mummylove2monsters · 26/07/2016 22:05

I'd be pretty pissed off - on one hand yes it was nice she felt she was helping BUT you most definitely should have been called and permission given - a decision was made about your child and you wernt consulted- it wasn't an emergency, there was I assume time to call you ? Plus it has probably undone your very sensible "never get into a car without my permission " advice as he was powerless to do what you've always told him . I'm sure you appreciate her giving him a lift but you absolutely should have been asked xxxx

jennyosborne · 26/07/2016 22:32

Firstly she should have called you, if you weren't available she should have called every person on the emergency contact list until someone was able to collect.
Did she or the other lady sit and explain what was happening to the little boy and give him the opportunity to speak to u on the phone? I always tell my children that anyone who is genuine would never have a problem letting them speak to me and if they refuse then they possibly aren't genuine and they shouldn't go with them. It sounds as if he didn't feel safe and, although he apparetly was (although blocking and shouting at a child doesn't sound safe to me!!) it is not acceptable, ever, to force a child to do anything unless they are putting themselves or another person in immediate danger.
I would certainly be taking steps to complain and if it fell on deaf ears I would be taking it to a higher level as a safeguarding issue.
As a registered childcare provider, I would not accept a member of staff treating a child like this and would be following disciplinary procedures.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/07/2016 22:37

Thunderbumsmum

"The playscheme....."

Once again, the play-scheme is not responsible for the OP's private arrangement with her childminder.

If the OP complained that would be their response.
That the Childminder works at the group is not the responsibility of the play-scheme.
That the childminder decided to make other arrangements (yes it is an assumption) with a friend, is nothing to do with the play-scheme.

that the two workers work at the play-scheme and arranged something outside of the play-schemes hours, is nothing to do with the play-scheme.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/07/2016 22:39

Oh and yes the OP is NBU

StarOnTheTree · 26/07/2016 22:43

Adulting has it spot on. Children should check with the adult who is responsible for them before getting into someone's car. The adult responsible for the DS in this case told him to get in the car.

catkind · 26/07/2016 22:54

Boney, once again, the play scheme is responsible because they released the child to someone the parent had not agreed for them to be released to. A childminder does not have the authority to change who a child is released to, only the parent does. If my CM can't do school pick-up and a colleague of hers is going to, I have to call the school and okay it. If I ask a friend to pick up, even though she's picked up for me before and collects another child in the class, I have to call the school and okay it.

The play scheme ought to have a collection policy, including for non-collection. I very much doubt these were correctly applied.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 26/07/2016 22:55

What if something happened on the journey home. Her son is not home yet she is ringing the wrong CM. She could have had her phone switched off and then what? Is it really worth the risk. All it takes is a phone call worker 2 was negleting the childs needs.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/07/2016 22:59

catkind

We shall have to agree to disagree.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 26/07/2016 23:00

I think ofsted or who ever the governing body is and report this. The play scheme negleted that child they do not have the right to do what they want.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 26/07/2016 23:02

I think this should be reported to ofsted or who ever.......... I should have posted.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 26/07/2016 23:05

Boney if the play scheme is not responsible for the children when it comes to pick up time then they will lose business. I would never leave my child with anyone like that.

Emrel · 26/07/2016 23:07

I'm slightly gobsmacked at your post: you are honestly thinking of writing a formal complaint against somebody who a) you know and b) who did you and the other co-worker a favour in her own time.
You should really be ashamed of yourself.
If you have a problem then have the balls to speak to this lady directly without getting her superiors involved.
Can you be so careless that you are willing to damage her career over this?
Have you also thought this may backfire on you? Neither will want to help you in the future and the play scheme organisation may also forbid extracurricular staff activities if it causes problems like this.
Explain your issues but a thank you wouldn't go amiss. After All she helped you and her co-worker out.
Tell your son that sometimes life does not go according to plan and that he should listen to grown ups in the event of an emergency.

Mycraneisfixed · 26/07/2016 23:08

YABVU...ffs

APomInOz · 26/07/2016 23:10

When I enrolled my children into day care, I had to fill in a form for who they should contact in an emergency if they can't get hold of me and who is allowed to pick them up. Why is it different for the play scheme worker? She hadn't been given permission, she had no right to make that decision and WHY DID SHE NOT CALL THE PARENTS??? That would be the first thing the play scheme should have done and let the parents decide for their child!!

If the parent had asked another mum from the play scheme to pick up the child but not informed the play scheme, would they have allowed that child home with that parent, even though they know her cos her kids go there too?? No!

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