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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

638 replies

Longlost10 · 24/07/2016 23:42

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

OP posts:

Shona52 · 26/07/2016 17:42

I think she should have called you first and only if she couldn't get hold of you to just go ahead. Maybe she had to be somewhere after and really didn't have the time but was trying to sort out a problem as best she thought. I would say I would like a call next time this happens. But if you make too much fuss of this then they might not be willing to help you after

NormaLewisNannies · 26/07/2016 17:43

Absolutely YANBU. We teach nannies and childcare workers about stranger danger on Common Core kills courses, which they need for their Ofsted registration. If this person ran a play-scheme she should be a trained professional; you NEVER force / make a child get into a car without Mummy saying so, when that child, and others, have been taught not to. Shame on both of he child-carers involved. The first carer may not have been able to fulfil her duties, but they both had plenty of time to speak to you, and for you to tell your child that it was fine to go with this other lady in her car. This is not over protection, this is just keeping our children safe.

Cathaka15 · 26/07/2016 17:45

If she could see that your ds was upset and didn't want to get into the car. All she had to do was call you and explain the situation. Then follow your instructions. I wouldn't take anyone's child anywhere without their parents consent.

slumbo · 26/07/2016 17:49

Completely agree! Some people are just trouble makers.

millimat · 26/07/2016 17:50

I'm with fairuza on this and was going to post a pretty much identical post to furious.
My concerns would be whether the playscheme replaced the member of staff when cm left in an emergency. If not that raises many concerns for me.
I too would be furious if muy child had been forced ( whether verbally our physically) into a car without permission or classification from a parent.
I would be putting in a complaint.
Sorry some posts have been unsupportive ok.

millimat · 26/07/2016 17:55

*clarification not classification!

Op not ok!

Very worrying that the member of staff in charge of the playscheme had no way of contacting parents without making a sing and dance about it.

hauxb001 · 26/07/2016 17:56

Why didn't your " friend" contact you when she knew she couldn't do it ...
Yes the second one should have covered her back and called but I think formal complaints are excessive in this situation . Just get the rules sorted and have a contingency plan in place .

ghostspirit · 26/07/2016 18:03

im on the fence. what would happen if there was a school trip. and it was a hired coach/ driver

prettylegsgr8bigknockers · 26/07/2016 18:03

Just wondering why you have started this thread when you know exactly what you are doing and object to any suggestion that you should do otherwise? It seems very common for people to do this and its really hard to understand why they want opinions when they go bananas when offered them.

fusionconfusion · 26/07/2016 18:07

Except lots of people think the same way as her?

Sunshineonacloudyday · 26/07/2016 18:10

im on the fence. what would happen if there was a school trip. and it was a hired coach/ driver

When my daughters school trip finished early the school contacted me to come and pick her up. I don't know why that is unusual. Is it the area I am living in.

e1y1 · 26/07/2016 18:10

pretty Spot on,

AIBU should be renamed DYAWM (Do you agree with me?) if you do, comment, if not, sod off and find another thread.

The OP asked was she BU in expecting a phone call about changes to transport arrangements, and no, she was not BU to expect this, but it sounds like she has flown off angry and not even asked either worker (or the playgroup) why such a call was not made.

exaltedwombat · 26/07/2016 18:11

Very difficult. The child was obeying the letter of the rule you'd given him. Children do that. You really don't need to make trouble over this.

DocBunny · 26/07/2016 18:12

As a forensic psychologist I wish more parents would give their kids these exact instructions, however inconvenient, and that more kids would kick and scream in these situations. Your son could well be traumatised by this. He would have been assured that your instructions would keep him safe when you aren't there to protect him. He's just been made aware of his powerlesness to defend himself.

Shouting at children is not what I would expect from someone who works with them in this country. I would definitely be making my feelings known on the matter. Also please be clear with your son that this isn't his fault, that the woman was in the wrong and that most people would never behave like that.

And it's true, thank fuck. But sadly some do.

MsJudgemental · 26/07/2016 18:14

You know this woman. He knows her. She is the boss of the playsheme. Why is he so terrified of people he knows? You have either explained the car thing badly or he has misunderstood or overreacted. She shouldn't have shouted, if that's what she did do, but she was obviously irritated, after a long, hard day, to have your son behaving, as she saw it, unreasonably. YABU.

nannygoat50 · 26/07/2016 18:15

I think the world has gone mad . She was doing you a favour. As someone said if you put in a total complaint she may well lose her job, you will lose your normal lift and they may refuse your child a place there in the future . Just ask for a meeting and explain why you were so upset and move on !

ghostspirit · 26/07/2016 18:16

sunshine i meant when going on a trip not returning from. how would ops child go on a trip if the driver is hired?

just because the op makes a thread on aibu. it does not mean she has to agree that she is or not. seems to be a mix of what people think

Sunshineonacloudyday · 26/07/2016 18:16

If she did complain she wouldn't lose her job I don't think. The worker does need more training on how to deal with situations like this. I think saying nothing will teach her nothing and she could do it again.

GaniyaI · 26/07/2016 18:18

You are not being unreasonable .A considerable number of child kidnapping are committed by people the children know. If you teach your son things to keep him safe and he is trying to follow your instructions , he shouldn't be shouted at for it .

Housemum · 26/07/2016 18:23

Yanbu to expect a phone call from play scheme if arrangements change - you should have had a call to say X can't collect, can y give a lift or do you want to make other arrangements. I think your rule is exactly right - my kids have been told the people they can go home with, and that if anyone else says they are taking them they should ask the school/dance club/whatever to phone me to check. I wouldn't however raise a formal complaint against the plays heme but have a quiet word and explain that you understand she was doing a favour but it goes against what you have taught so confused your DS. If she was shouting/forcing, possibly a complaint for that - that's a judgement call depending on the actual event

AppleSetsSail · 26/07/2016 18:25

So this woman was trying to do you and probably her colleague as well a favour, and now you're reporting her. I don't understand your logic. Better a public bus for an 8 year old?

When I read people talking about 'safeguarding' and how teachers shouldn't be alone with students outside of school hours it makes me wish I could build a time machine and return to a simpler age.

AppleSetsSail · 26/07/2016 18:26

Yes we should all breathe a sigh of relief that this woman didn't kidnap the OP's son.

Scotmumof2girls · 26/07/2016 18:27

I actually can't believe some of the attitude op is getting. She has done nothing wrong and the care worker should have called to advise and make sure it was ok for her to take him and perhaps speak to ds and make sure he knew it would be someone else driving him. What kind of conflicting messages is his giving ds over danger of getting into cars etc. That it's ok as long as you know the person?? Hate he way op has been turned on here quite shocking really. YANBU hun x

Scotmumof2girls · 26/07/2016 18:29

I should add, not worthy of formal complaint but stress to care worker that you expect a call should plans change ever again and stress to ds that he did nothing wrong and in fact if ever in that position he is to again refuse to get in he car.

ghostspirit · 26/07/2016 18:29

i do get what op has taught her child i think its great. but what if op was ill or something had happend and op cant get to say to her son its ok to get in the car.

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