Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

[Longlost10]

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

I agree, Nannygoat, the world has gone mad.

Cross post. She should maybe have phoned to get you to speak with your son if he was upset. But, speaking as the wife of another psychologist, he was just that- upset. He is unlikely to be 'traumatised' as that implies an adverse impact on his future mental health. In order to give her DS greater control he needs to have more options to choose from given the complexity of life. Hopefully, he needs to learn from this experience and the range of options opened to him expanded accordingly.

I wonder if this thread will be in the daily mail.

Not worth a formal complaint IMHO but a meeting with both to ask;

• why neither of them thought to call you (especially person employed to drive your son back). Assuming said person had to race off quickly, why the second person didn't call as soon as your son started to object.
• that should a similar situation arise in the future, that they call you so you can explain over the phone to your son what will happen.

Anything more than that will likely result in termination of contract and your son losing out (as he'll think it's "his fault" that he can't go or person no1 no longer drives him).

Explain to son that he was correct. That the adults made a mistake (if possible get both to apologise to him).

And then move on.

I totally get what you are saying, clearly you don't want your child going off with anyone known or unknown without permission and so he has clear instructions on what is expected of him in that situation.
You was let down by your friend who gives him his usual lift home in her rush to attend a family emergency completely forgetting to tell you and then her boss and your kind of friend out of kindness attempts to give him a lift home and your son refuses resulting in her getting cross and raising her voice to him. Now playing devils advocate maybe your son didn't initially cross her mind until the last minute and thought 'oh I will do you a favour and drop him off on my way' and by him kicking off could have made her late for her plans hence the loss of patience. Was she wrong to do so yes i do not like people raising their voices to my children either but your alternative left him on his own at the holiday club with no one so I think you should maybe chalk this one up to experience say your sorry for flying off the handle and explain that your son was a rattled by events and it put you on edge.

Ok I would say yes the woman was wrong to shout at him to get into the car, however he has spent the whole day with this woman possibly other days so he knows who this woman is, she is not a stranger or someone he has never met. You know the woman she is a friend so why would you not let your child go in a car with her??

I agree it is good for children to be very aware of stranger danger but to have a child so on edge that he gets hysterical getting into a friends car just because you didn't ok it is slightly worrying, there are hundreds of situations where there might be an emergency and not time to phone parents to tell them of a change of plans which is very unfair to anyone who might happen to have your child in this scenario!

If you are perfectly happy leaving your child in this woman's care all day why is her giving him a lift home such a problem?

It does sound like you are a total control freak but as previous posters have said this is nothing to do with the play scheme this is a private arrangement so its good to see you have decided against a formal complaint.

There's two camps here - both have their valid points that people have raised. I don't think the issue should be that he was forced into a car to be driven home. I think the issue should be the obviously horrid attitude the boss displayed, boxing a child in? Not on.

The only scenario I can imagine restraint like that is during a school fight between two pupils or if a student were to hit another member of staff or was being aggressive. Not for refusing to get into a car.

If anything the boss should have asked why the child isn't cooperating so he could explain and if necessary, ring you to say your child isn't getting in the car, at least that would give you the opportunity to explain and calm the situation.

Sweet Jesus. The world has gone completely crazy, no wonder people are afraid to do favours for each other anymore with people like the op. Even the subject of the thread implied "abduction".

OP sounds hysterical and a bit precious and entitled imo.
Was your son's distress after the 'event' a reflection of your anger and distress?
Both workers worked at the same play scheme and she was trying to help- to me it doesn't seem like the same scenario as 'stranger danger'.
Glad you're not complaining and a bit OTT even to remove him

All very mad

I'm sorry but this just smacks of OP not liking the woman who drove her son home. She's removed him from the play scheme but hasn't sacked the childminder even though she was the one who did 'wrong'? Very odd.

YABU. She did what she thought best to help out. There was no harm intended.

What did ds do between leaving the building and getting in the car? Was he making a fuss then or was it only when he was in the car? Did he try to run off? I imagine she had locked the building when they left and was anxious that he would run off when he started getting fractious. By then it would have been awkward for her to go back into the building to phone and leave him to his own devices. Her own phone was dead.

fusion confusion
Except lots of people think the same way as her?
so what? lots of people don't think the same way as her! I couldn't care less either way but she took a very aggressive stance against those who disagreed with her. So she doesn't want genuine opinions just ones that agree with what she's doing.This is my point - why ask if you don't want to be disagreed with?? Just do what you want and keep your stories to yourself.

If you can't factor in some common sense into this scenario, go pick your own kids up in future. Stop expecting the world to revolve around you and your ( too) busy lifestyle. Simple. If that doesn't quite fit then you need to soften a bit when others step into the breach to help you out.

Two words: Batshit. Crazy.

Scary how many people think an 8 yr old is fine to go off in a car with anyone with a DBS check that works with them in a childcare setting. I'm that and am not even allowed to be on my own with them in the school building. There are unfortunately good reasons for that on both sides. A career can be ruined by a false allegation; and we have all heard of cases where known respected adults turned out to be not safe.

I think some people don't realise how easy it is to get a DBS check. No character references or anything, you just need to have not committed a crime yet.

Did your son actually explain to the play worker why he wouldn't get into the car, OP?

Even if he did mind you, the whole situation sounds so OTT that I suspect the care worker would have thought he'd got hold of the wrong end of the stick somehow.

You didn't really think your "no car without me" policy.. your fault really

DDs are told not to get in a car without checking with their responsible adult so, if they're in childcare, at school, at holiday club or visiting a friend they can be taken to A&E or whatever if needed, yet they still know not to get in a car with anyone else even if they know them. They know that if I leave them with a friends mum and they go to the park, and someone else they know approaches them, they go to their responsible adult which would in that case be the friends mum.

If you want them to always check with you, then you always need to be available, and you're not.

I think the OP was perfectly reasonable. The head of the play scheme was in the wrong, and should never be alone with a child like that, especially without the parents permission. Personally I would report it to Ofsted.

I have been angry with parents giving my DC a lift without my permission. A professional should know the proper protocol and procedures. The OP should have been informed hours earlier, and her son should have been listened to.

I'll bet the child wasn't in the least bit anxious or afraid of being driven home by the playscheme worker he'd just spent all day with...
Why would he? He probably had to concoct this tale of being "forced" to appease his mother when she went off on one.

I don't often feel moved to comment but feel I need to in this case.

YANBU. Your playground should know better than to 'casually' allow someone other than the person YOU PAY to take him home. At the very least, that person should have called you so you could either have the option of collecting him yourself, or explaining to him that it is ok to go with this other named person. Anyone who suggests otherwise clearly doesn't value their children's safety as highly as you do. Just because they have a family emergency does not negate their responsibility to your son. And to reduce an 8 year old to tears suggests a pretty poor attitude to me.

You can't assume that your boy has ever met your minders boss, so she could be a complete stranger to him. What next? Another parent? A random stranger with a handy car?

Probably the best idea is to discuss this with the playgroup to ensure they don't do it again, assuming you want to continue there. Otherwise chalk it down to experience.

I've traveled through 9 pages so far so sorry I haven't RTWT.....yet.
The childminder is def at fault. Your DS was HER responsibility AFTER play scheme, you employed her to pick him up (or in this case pop him in her car after the other arrangements finished). If the situation had been a school pick up I'm sure SHE would have contacted you directly.
My contract with my childminder has another named childminder who will pick up my DS if my own childminder has an emergency situation but she would call one of us directly on our mobiles or work numbers to advise us of that. We were able to meet emergency named childminder and knew her address as that would be where DS would have been taken.
However YANBU in being worried, angry, distressed etc.
Ive read enough to know you aren't complaining about second worker and I think that's the right choice but regardless of how stupid she was to coerce your child into her car, she probably wasn't thinking about the flip side, she probably thought she was doing you and your childminder a favour.

When anyone else had to pick up my children they had a password. Not helpful in this case but may be in others

The playscheme is not at fault. The OP has arranged for one of the people running the scheme to drop off her child and has asked the other person at the scheme to do the job she is being paid for.

The original lift home is a childminder, therefore should have all sorts of policies etc in place for this eventuality, how is the other play leader meant to know that the parent has not been contacted, the child will kick off etc etc.

If anyone is at fault it is the woman you arranged the original pick up with, but as a former child minder I would no longer have any arrangement with your child as this one emergency could potentially have her investigated for something 95% of the population would not have a problem with!