To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

Next time she starts just tell her straight 'Yes mum, it's so lucky for you I nearly died - does that make you happy knowing that? It sounds like it does'. And when she says about how she bathed your dd 'Yes mum because I was reviving from major surgury - that makes you happy too that I was in pain doesn't it?' And when she goes off at you just say 'why it's you who keeps bringing it up how great you think it is.......'

Get some professional photos got your house and don't give her any. Otherwise I'd just ignore her. Maybe comment that it's a bit blurred and you can't even tell that it's your baby in the picture, 'what a shame it's not a clearer photo, it's just a bit too blurred...'

I can understand why you're upset. But Lol at it this way - you're daughter came into the world and was shown love by her extended family.

Would you really have preferred her to have been in a nursery with no family around her?

AIBU is such a shitty place. Not only does it seem to give carte blance for people to be utterly nasty, it seems to breed an attitude of 'well I didn't feel like this, I can't possibly understand why everybody isn't like meeeeeeeee'.

OP, I had a traumatic crash cs and I have no back story, no controlling relatives etc. I struggled so much with the fact that other hands touched dd, other voices calmed her, other heartbeats were under her little squashed ears as she was cuddled. She was so viscerally mine and having a baby was such a physical, organic process, that I ached for her. I wanted to touch her and hold her and meet that child I had grown. I wanted that moment when we became two, when our journey started. Instead, I was unconscious and I wasn't meeting my tiny baby, she wasn't learning who I was or safe in my arms.

I guess if you've been lucky enough never to experience that side of birth trauma, that's a good thing. You know logically that it's such a tiny thing and all those other moments more than make up for it and it doesn't detract from the fact that it is your baby and you are their mother. But it hurts. And it's part of a whole load of guilt, regret, trauma and loss.

I'm sorry people on here think it's appropriate to be so unkind.

I'd recommend having a birth debrief.

I'm 9 years post having dd and everything is re-framed now because I'm well and the trauma is dealt with. I am pleased dd was held and loved when I couldn't do it and I can say that with a smile. Controlling mothers be damned.

It isn't selfish. It's actually a very common reaction to birth trauma.

That's a great idea. Get some super professional photos done. She may take the offending ones down.

I had an emergency CS and my memories of the day are very blurry. I understand where you are coming from, but wonder if it's more the fact that they remind you of a traumatic moment of your life (when you thought you and/or your child might not make it), rather than you weren't the first person to meet her.

The very definition of first world problems. But it's probably because you have a difficult relationship with your mum that you feel this way. Surely it was your DH that let them meet the baby?

As an aside I find it disgusting that women are made to feel 'they didn't give birth'. It's ridiculous and untrue, and I find it an extremely damaging widespread attitude which shouldn't have any place in society. It doesn't make you a better mother because you 'suffered more'. And the suggestion that it is the easier option appears to be entirely untrue, and I would take my vaginal births any day over the recovery from a caesarean, when will we learn to support each other

YaNbu
I had the same birth. But only my mum got to see my baby before me (and my husband) and seeing those photos doesn't make me feel funny so I don't mind. If anyone else had seen my baby before me tho I would have been devestated.
I do think you need to talk to someone about the birth (birth reflections) as I think you may still be traumatised by it all and yes I would ask those family and friends to take them off display. Get some professional ones done and let them have them instead. Sorry but I really think Yanbu. This is your baby. You should have met them before anyone

I get it, OP. To me, it just seems in poor taste to be taking photos, face timing others to show them the baby whilst you were still unconscious. Did they have no concern for your wellbeing at all? What were they saying to the people on face time? "How's mum doing?" "Oh, still passed out, looked like life was hanging in the balance for a while there, blah blah. But look at my new grandbabeeeee." In poor taste, IMO.

When people say, first world problems as a way of dismissing other peoples feelings, I always wonder what, in their mind, constitutes a problem worthy of their empathy button being switched on. Also does it mean that in the third world people only have life and death type problems, or do they maybe have first world problems too, seeing as we are all just people.

I really hate the put down first world problems

I don't think it's a first world problem at all actually, birth trauma is pretty horrendous and she missed a moment she can't get back which she was desperate for for at least the past nine months and that is the reason op feels the way she does, she hasn't come on here complaining someone came round and drove her new car before she got a chance to is she? You only get one chance to meet your baby and in a perfect world all births would go smoothly and mothers can sit and cuddle their newborns until they have the opportunity to introduce their babies to whoever they choose, sadly few births go that way but it doesn't make it easier and the op is perfectly entitled to feel the way she does imo

Also (sorry on a roll here) a first world problem (if one wants to use that I'll thought out phrase) would be something involving the trauma of your Lavazza coffee being subbed for Nescafé in your shopping order, not someone dealing with their feelings after a traumatic birth in which the mother and baby nearly died.

I have just rtft
You did give birth- trust me you did. Hence why you have a baby and a scar to show it.
Yanbu and people who are being so insensitive about this have probably never experienced the trauma
I think the problem lies with your mother (also the facetiming- very bad taste imo) she doesn't sound like the most empathetic of people and there seems to be an issue. Unfortunately, I have realised that you can't change people and make them do what you want to do. I said in my earlier post I went through the same- my mum has never once mentioned the fact that she met my daughter first. It was just never needed to be said. As time goes on you will feel better about things as you discover new firsts with your DD but it does take time.
Birth reflections are great and will help you deal with the trauma. In the meantime- your mother sounds like a horrible witch and trying to make you feel bad. You will have to ignore and make sure if you ever have another baby to write down that she is not allowed to see the baby before you.

I understand what you are saying, I had a similar birth. I felt a right loser not being able to do what mums have done since the beginning of time. Then realising that for the 3 days that I was unconscious and in serious trouble medically lots of people had seen and touched my baby and I had not touched baby or ever seen baby, I was so jealous and angry with myself and family and hospital staff.
When I managed to find a scrap of brain I realised that if I had not been able to cope medically with the birth it was best for the hospital staff to step up and get baby born as soon as possible. Baby was fine. Then once baby was born would I really have wanted no-one to wash clothe and feed the new baby?
It is hard to come to terms with but it was for the best in the circumstances

I didn't get to see my son after he was born either, only my partner met him before me but I was annoyed because he was in the wrong outfit and I didn't get to have skin to skin or do his first nappy or anything....2 and a half years on and I've realised that I might not have changed his first nappy but I've changed a million since then and he looked fine in the other outfit and I've had lots of skin to skin cuddles since then, you've got to see the bigger picture!

Also is it worth upsetting everyone over what is essentially a very small moment in time for all the other firsts that are yours alone!

There is definitely more to this problem than just the photos.

Seeing as it wasn't possible for you to see you baby for a few hours after birth are you not in any way pleased that she was with your family as opposed to complete strangers?

Why did the hospital allow this..that's utterly crazy...have you asked why?

This:

Next time she starts just tell her straight 'Yes mum, it's so lucky for you I nearly died - does that make you happy knowing that? It sounds like it does'. And when she says about how she bathed your dd 'Yes mum because I was reviving from major surgury - that makes you happy too that I was in pain doesn't it?' And when she goes off at you just say 'why it's you who keeps bringing it up how great you think it is.......'

YANBU. I would definitely suggest some counselling for you so that you can get help to deal with your birth trauma. It's really important so that you can move on and be able to handle your mother. Your mother sounds awful tbh, revelling in the fact that because you had such a traumatic experience it meant she got to hold your newborn first. What a nasty, cruel, heartless bitch. I would take the photos down myself. Whenever she brings it up or goes on about how they are her favourite, I would call her up on it and how it's pretty disgusting how she's so excited about being able to have these experiences when her own daughter was recovering from almost dying.

People can be bastards on here. Why would anyone think it makes them a good person to bitch and insult and deliberately hurt someone who clearly has had a traumatic birth experience and a difficult relationship with a mother who appears to place point scoring above her daughters feelings.

OP, maybe you were looking for the hatred that comes from AIBU. But please take notice of the others, the ones who are saying you need to look after yourself, and take the control back from your mother, build some better, stronger photographic memories with YOUR beautiful baby and YOUR lovely new family bonds.

I only saw a photo of my son when he was 12 hours old (emergency C-section under a general, late at night after a day in appalling pain that wasn't labour).

DH was in another country, he didn't see him until he was 5 days old.

After 2 days my baby was sent to another hospital on a ventilator. I had to say goodbye to him in a hospital corridor. The photos taken of him in his incubator are important to me, but I don't keep them on display. It was a hard time, especially as he had a serious infection and then seizures.

I truly believe all's well that ends well but it did take me a couple of years to get over the birth.

I don't think your family need to delete the photos, but they need to show more understanding for your feelings.

There are a lot of really fucking rude, nasty posts on here. OP had a traumatic birth, missed the first few hours of her DC's life and is finding that difficult to deal with. PTSD is really bloody common in these circumstances, as is PND.

OP, YANBU in how you feel, not for a single second. But I don't think you can ask for the pictures to be deleted. Not least because it doesn't sound like your mum will.

Keep reminding yourself that you will have every other first with your beautiful baby, not your mum. Try and ignore her when she goes on about it, she is petty and ridiculous.

And be kind to yourself. Your feelings matter too; you are allowed to feel whatever you do about the birth. Contrary to what some delightful PPs have said, a healthy baby is not ALL that matters.

Why did the hospital allow this..that's utterly crazy...have you asked why?
I don't understand how you can ask this. Why on Earth wouldn't they let the family of a newborn baby care for the baby while the mother couldn't? Would you prefer for the hospital to not let anyone see the baby (or care for it) apart from hospital staff until the mother came too?

Navy - it was traumatic to the op. We all have different emotional responses to different things.