To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

OP I can imagine you feel a sick feeling looking at photos that remind you of the time that you couldn't help your own child. How sad that your mum should revel in rubbing this in.

Be a better mum than your mum has been, you don't need to react or get revenge, rise above it and be the better person.

DS was an EMCS after a long labour which took its toll on both of us. I got a brief glimpse as he was whisked off to neonatal, then I was taken to HDU. Birth trauma is horrible. DH followed DS and took some videos and photos and showed me them when he came to join me. They are our photos, and I can understand how someone else taking photos and displaying them for their own point scoring can be a focus for your birth trauma.

Birth trauma is a horribly contradictory thing because there is so much pain wrapped up in what "should" be a joyful experience. I sobbed on DS's first 2 birthdays because of the anniversary of painful experience of his birth, then there's the guilt that you feel shit about their birth, but that is justified. If you ended up having emergency surgery having had a car crash on the way to your own birthday celebration, would people still say "well never mind, you got some lovely birthday presents, and you're OK now"?

I'd say to call her out on it and remind her of what those photos remind you of.

Also seek support for the birth trauma. I made the mistake of thinking too much time had passed by the time I understood what it meant to me. It then caused issues on my second pregnancy. A better birth did help, and the passing of time helps too, but there's no benefit to you to leave it and sit it out. Your feelings are valid and need support. (Destroying the photos isn't the answer though)

Birth trauma is a first world problem? Seriously??

Op, please ignore the posters saying yabu and that having a healthy baby is all that matters. If a mother had pnd you don't say "you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters" as it's just not a simple as that! Birth trauma is a very real thing. You can't just brush it off and unless you were unconscious when your baby was born you really can't know what it feels like so to tell the op it doesn't matter isn't fair. I know a lot of people don't get the births they want, and are disappointed when they have a c section but to be asleep for it is so upsetting. The moment when they put you under is terrifying. You don't know if you'll ever wake up again, and if you do, if you'll even want to wake up depending on what's happened to your baby. It's very common to suffer from ptsd following a GA csection, so if this is the case with the op (obviously I don't know if it is) it's understandable she feels this way.

As I said before op - please consider counselling/CBT for your birth trauma and joining the group on fb. Other people who have been through this understand how upsetting it is. It will get easier though! I think getting to the root of how you're feeling about this would be the reasonable thing to do as pp's have said, asking your mum to remove the photos will just make her feel even more in control. I really hope in time you are able to see the photos and feel happy that your dd was cared for, even though it couldn't be by you.

(I also agree with pp that face timing your siblings when you were very unwell and hadn't met your dd is pretty poor taste too and I'm surpised your dh allowed that)

So if you were in a coma for a week would you ask them to wait ? Secondly the people you mentioned are important. Sorry but your being a drama queen.

Two hours. Come on. Let it lie. If not the feeling with get better with time.

I think that the problem with your mum is clouding your judgement because you probably thought this would be the one thing out of her reach but she got their first.

No real back story which is why I haven't included it, my mum just likes to control things e.g the reason I am thinking of this now is how she pointed at this photo of DD and told me 'this is my favourite photo of her' knowing that I don't like to see the pictures and other things like how she could bath DD but I couldn't (because of the CS) but of course that's my fault because I didn't give birth this is your guilt playing up. What you wanted didn't happen. I think most mums who gave birth have things they wish where done their way but life is not like that. You cannot control somethings in life. You didn't know you were going to be out that long. That is something you cannot control. Giving vaginal birth does not make you more of a mother or woman to someone who had caesarean. Having medicine free birth does not make you women enough either. I wished I had epidural and inducement from the beginning, not when it got too late and I was in so much pain, both of our lives where in danger. But you can't live your life looking back. You have your child's future to plan. and be happy.

Looking back on those lost moments is probably taking away your joy because of regrets. Regrets steals your moment of joy by wishing it could have been better when you can't change the past.

I understand. DS1 was born under GA too and the hospital handled it really well, just DH was allowed to see and hold him until I came round. I would have hated it if all the family had been taking photos.

I had trouble bonding with DS1, probably mainly due to the traumatic birth. But I am really grateful to the hospital for how they handled it.

DS1 is now almost 14, but I can still totally understand what you mean. And I still feel very differently about his birth to my 2 subsequent children's births.

A drama queen FFS. Really.

I don't think its a daft thing to be upset about at all. As a midwife it's something we try to ensure doesn't happen. There are occassional exceptions though, normally when a new mum is poorly and has gone to ICU.

I was in A very similar situation to you. DD was on Facebook about 5 hours before I'd met her and my whole family came to see her and took pics holding her the week I was in HDU without being able to move. It's a horrible feeling and your well within your rights to be upset, I know I was. But you have now got her for all these years to come, birth and labour are only a few hours (or weeks in my case!) of it. The pictures they have of the first few hours don't matter when you think about all of the wonderful memories you will share for years to come. It might help to have a birth reflection meeting and maybe speak to your GP if you feel it could benefit you, once I did I felt a million times better and once I addressed my feelings of that, everything else fell naturally into place.

Op is getting an unwarranted kicking.

I have a good relationship with my mum, so I she was the first to bath my DD, see her and dress her before I did, I would be happy and enjoy seeing the photos, it would remind me of a time my mum was there for me when me and my DD needed her.

If it was my mil however I would be heart broken and furious. She's a very controlling woman and she wouldn't hesitate to tell any visitors to the house that she saved the day and stepped up for her gd because I couldn't. See would delight in rubbing my nose in the first precious moments she got with my dd.

Its all about context and relationship. I'm baffled the hospital let them in to see the baby, we had strict instructions that under no circumstances should my husbands mother be allowed in, especially if I needed an emc.

Don't let her have any other pictures, and pull her up on it when she upsets you with her photos

OP, YANBU. I am in hospital at the moment waiting for a birth which is likely to be premature. I have recently been taken on a tour of the special and intensive care units so it's not a shock if my babies end up on them. It was one of the most intense and traumatic experiences of my life, particularly seeing newborns being intensively worked on. I can't imagine how traumatising it must be for you to have to relive it again and again every time you visit your mother's house.

I think it's fair to say that you or your daughter may want the photos in years to come, so deleting may be a bridge to far. But if those photos upset you she should take them down.

Get a grip OP

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, this has opened a wound for me to. My 4 month ds was delivered by emcs, and even now I find it really difficult to say i "gave birth" to him.

It would have destroyed me if someone other than dh had met ds before me, so much of what I wanted for ds's birth was taken from me, if you want those photos deleted, totally up to you

Wow, maybe you could get a job as a birth trauma counsellor, get a grip. Genius.

I missed the first hours with my DD after an emergency CS. I wish someone had taken a photo of her and I particularly wish I had a photo of her with her dad. The other mums on the ward told me how he was at the end of the ward with the MW as she washed and dressed her. He then held her and sang to her. I would love a photo of it but I do understand why it annoys you if your mother uses it in some way.

Honestly, is mumsnet 90% troll now?! Away back to your bridges

thank you hazeyjane I knew there were others who were thinking the same way as I do the OP needs to get a firm grip

So are the people flinging around 'drama queens' and 'get a grip' parents of NICU babies? Or have they even visited one?

First world problem jesus wept what is wrong with some people

Heidi42

Hazeyjane was being sarcastic.
You're the one who needs a grip. And some empathy too.

My birth was similarly traumatic. 2.5 years on those sorts of photos would still upset me if anyone were insensitive enough to show them.

YANBU to ask for them to be taken down, at least for now. Maybe provide a replacement if you're feeling generous.

I feel for you with your birth. I don't think I'll ever get over mine.

YANBU

Or silly.

Ask them, no, tell them the photos need to be changed.

You know, if my daughter (I don't have one btw) were unconscious following an emergency birth, sharing pictures of the baby with all and sundry would be pretty much the last thing on my mind - wouldn't it be the last on most people's? Likewise when she at last woke up and was clearly going to survive, wouldn't you want to say something like "we were watching over her for you, but she needs her mum now", rather than "I got to hold her a whole six hours before you did, ner ner ner ner ner"? Were your daughter to express the wish that certain pictures were kept private to your family, wouldn't you give a fuck about her feelings and perhaps tuck those pictures away in a special drawer? That's assuming you love her instead of regarding her as some kind of rival