To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

Ah, I was going to say YABU until your last post.
My eldest dd was in special care & I was pretty ill after she was born. She was whipped away & I didn't get to see her until she was about 36 hours old. Most of my family had met her before I even clapped eyes on her - all I saw was a foot as the rushed her out of the room.
I feel bad about it, she doesn't know & no one has ever mentioned it since. If, however one of my family was gloating over it, I would want them removed from show at very least. I'd probably just sneakily swap it with an older one and say nothing, just to see if she'd notice.

I completely agree about not putting pictures on social media. I am not allowed to put my grandchild's pictures on FB. I have quickly scanned through and can't see that anyone had mentioned my first thought which is that, in the future, your DD will want to see the first pictures of herself. On the back of my babies' photos o have written "1 hour old" or whatever and now they are adult they like to see them, they're not interested, frankly in who took them, just that they're their first photographs. It sounds as if this has more to do with your fear of your mother's control. You have to play the long game and put your DD first. Playing the long game is quite a good motto for bringing up a family IMO!

How would you propose to "make" them do anything? Particularly if your mother is controlling.

You may want them or your DD may at a later date, but in my opinion, you would not be unreasonable to ask for them to removed from display. Deleted or destroyed would be unreasonable, taken down would not be and if your Mum keeps crowing about being first to meet, you should tell her to stop.

Sorry for typos above - think they're obvious ones.

No I'm not controlling at all, my mum is though and she fucking loves that she met DD first.

...and there is the real issue.💐

DD is yours that is ALL that matters, you & her are here & well. Hang onto that.

Definitely don't ask them to delete the photos, don't lower yourself to their level & don't show it bothers you.

What you do though, depends on your personality & theirs. You have options. Go no contact (not because of the photos per se, but because a mother who 'fucking loves having met her first' is clearly someone who causes you upset). Ask her to exchange the photos for others and that tell her that if she doesn't, you'll understand, but that you will not visit. Take every single opportunity to remind her that she might have seen DD first, but she's yours and you get to see her every minute of every day whilst your mother gets to see her when you allow it.

Take control for sure, but don't get the photos deleted, you might regret that (not that I think they'd do it anyway).

If you haven't so ready, check out the Stately Home threads.

A thought for you, for future posts. Your mother is nasty, the dynamic is terrible. Be careful to put that out there, up front, or else you will be told you are nasty/controlling/selfish whatever, because posters assume your mother is a loving, caring, nice, person - if not warned otherwise. I'd hate you to feel her treatment of you is 'OK' because everyone here thinks do...when in reality they don't have the full picture.

Get over yourself, if I was a relative and you asked me to do that I'd refuse.

Awww I would be really upset about this too op. I was pissed off that my dad announced the birth, let alone if someone took precious pictures of my baby and plastered them everywhere before I met them. But your baby is now 7 months old, I think you have missed the boat and probably need to let it go X

YANBU. Of course you should have the chance to meet your baby before other family members. It's really insensitive of those who are displaying the photos, and I'm not surprised you feel upset. I think if you were to ask them to remove the photos without giving a reason, they should show you some respect and consideration, and remove them. Why on earth do they think their wishes trump yours?

I don't think this is bizarre at all. I think you had a traumatic time and you feel you missed out on a really important moment and someone else got to have the time with your baby when you feel it should have been you there introducing your baby? And the photos being up are a reminder of that. They shouldn't delete them but please try and remember that you will have a lifetime with your baby, you will make up for it. Plus just because they saw your baby first, you carried her and felt her move and knew her first.

Sorry, I meant to write they shouldn't delete them but they also should respect your wishes and stop displaying them

Yabu.

For those saying the op comes across and controlling or that it's mind boggling as she has a lovely baby so why worry about this - you really don't get it.

Birth trauma is a horrible, horrible thing and steals so much happiness surrounding a baby sometimes. I don't think anyone can really understand how the op feels unless they've been there themselves. It absolutely kills me that I missed the first few hours of my DDs life.

It sounds like your dm is very insensitive towards you regarding this op. Have you told her how it makes you feel? I do think it would be unreasonable to ask to delete the photos. One day you may treasure the photos as they've captured her first moments for you, but I understand they are painful to look at right now. Have you thought about having any counselling for your birth trauma?

Are you on fb? If so there is a fantastic support group for mums who have had babies under a GA.

YABU I'm afraid but I can 100% relate to your situation. I was extremely poorly when DD (now 3) was born and couldn't physically hold her for about a day. My in laws, who're usually wonderful, were very insensitive in that, despite DH describing my condition, they all (parents, siblings and even BIL's ex GF!!) rolled up at visiting, said "God you look awful" to me and spent the whole hour passing DD around (they even left the room with her to get pictures for 'good lighting') and ignoring me. DH had gone home to shower and I didn't have the confidence or energy to give them what for. He went mad when he found out and I got apologies but TBH 3 years on it still hurts and infuriates me. At the time I took it very badly.

However angry I am I know IWBU if I asked them to effectively forget that time. It would be being spiteful for the sake of it, as awful as it must be I think you need to try and move on

I was expecting everyone to say YABU so surprised at some of the YANBU's but they explain how I feel.

No real back story which is why I haven't included it, my mum just likes to control things e.g the reason I am thinking of this now is how she pointed at this photo of DD and told me 'this is my favourite photo of her' knowing that I don't like to see the pictures and other things like how she could bath DD but I couldn't (because of the CS) but of course that's my fault because I didn't give birth

Also everything Crafty said re birth trauma. Ignore the nasty comments, when what should be a special moment turns out to be one of the most horrific of your life you deserve a bit of anger and resentment!

If she continues to gloat about seeing her first just point out that she won't remember that. Let her make a fool of herself, by the time she's 4 I bet your baby will ask why your mum goes on about that, if she's doing it by the time she's 7 she'll be saying her grandmother is weird - children are remarkably wise!

This is the disappointment and perhaps guilt/regret you feel about immediate post-birth period,when you were recovering from anaesthesia. You had a significant operation,and needed to recover. That is wholly understandable. You needed to recover,sleep.in that time photos were taken of your baby,that's understandable as it is an expected and normal reaction to new baby. Those photos in no way lessen your role,your status as mum. They are photographic mementoes for others. Most significant participants are YOU, DAD AND BABY. You make your own memories from here on in,as family

Family photos don't detract anything from you or the baby

Enjoy your baby,don't beat yourself up about other folk photos

This all sounds so raw to you op, and I completely get why. An emergency csection under a GA is bloody scary. So if a photo reminds you of the scariest moment of your life then I can see why it upsets you so much.

I do think your issues lie deeper than the photo though and that you do have a lot of birth trauma. I do think having some counselling would really help. I had CBT which helped me change the way I looked at the whole situation regarding my csection and it's really helped me come to terms with it. Eg I feel happy dd wasn't alone and had bonding time with her dad, rather than feeling upset that it should have been me. It does get easier

It was my mum, nan and dad. They came to the hospital as they thought they would lose us both (DD and I) so the hospital let them in.

I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth op....
But
You are so lucky you have family who care about you and your child. All my grandparents and both my parents had died before I had children...just be grateful they are part of your DDS life.

Don't dwell on the things you can't do/didn't do, think instead of the things you did do and can do. You're letting things take on an importance they don't deserve and ultimately contributing to your mother being controlling.

If your mother doesn't realise the photos are upsetting you, give her some more up to date ones for the frames. If she does know you're upset by them, don't let it show and don't dwell on this. Her controlling behaviour will only stop when she realises she can't control you or your feelings.

I can see where you're coming from - being upset that you didn't get to meet your daughter first but you've said you were both close to being lost - please focus on the more important fact that you and your daughter survived and try and let go of the photo issue.

It's very unreasonable of your mother however if she does enjoy reminding you that she got to see her first and mentions it constantly. Are you able to say to her calmly next time she brings it up "mother, the reason you got to see my daughter before me was because I and my daughter very almost died. I don't think that is something to be happy about and I would appreciate you not reminding me about it." Or something like that.

Ywould be VU to get them deleted / destroyed, even if people were willing to.

What is unreasonable is that they were let in before you were ready, but now it's happened, just let it lie. It really is not worth getting worked up about.