To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

OP - Great that you have resolved the photo issue but please take steps to also resolve the underlying problem. Assuming that your PTSD isn't self-diagnosed, you should tell the psychologist who is following you about the severe distress that reminders of that period are still causing you.

Dealing with this now will help you avoid what can be a much harder psychological problem to overcome in your next pregnancy. I didn't and thought I was over my traumatic 1st birth and torture-like weeks that followed. Then came 2nd pregnancy several years later and it was like getting in a car for the first time after a bad car crash. I was a wreck and nobody understood.

Reach out for all available help and make your peace with your DD's birth as quickly as possible. Good luck.

I can understand in a way.

And just because they are blood relatives doesn't mean they are 'close' - blood means fuck all if the person in question isn't a very nice person.

You mention that your mum is controlling - does she bring this up a lot, that she got to meet DD before you? Is she a bit of a narc - everything always has to be about her?

If yes then it's not the pictures that are a problem, but rather toxic people being in your life.

If this sounds familiar I highly recommend Susan Forwards books.

Ok - I missed a couple of your posts via skimming:

Your mum is a 1st class insensitive block-head at best - at worst, well I'm not going to say it.

Now I really recommend Susan Forward's books.

I really think hospitals need to have much stricter rules regarding new borns.

Dad yes of course but no other bloody relative should be touching or seeing the baby before mum. And as for taking photos absolutely not. These days some stupid wankers would have them on FB before mum is even awake.

It makes the mum seem an irrelevant incubater.

Glad you got it sorted op.

Navy no I agree no FB in this case but we can all see that happening in other cases. Hospital staff can't control use of the photos once taken.

As for daughter and granddaughters life being in danger as a mum and gran myself I can imagine the last possible thing I would do would be to whip my phone out and start snapping!

I reiterate that it is just wrong to allow family members in to see a new born until mum and dad have had a chance to have time as a new family.

God forbid my dds or dils were ever that ill my place would be with them, if allowed, and not the baby.

Dear OP

I met my DD for the first time when she was 4 hours old. My DH and DS 10 that time were there, DS held her for most of the time, counted fingers and toes, and DH fought for DD to be breastfed when I'm ready. I would be absolutely livid if other members of family met her first, took pictures and have them around.

Take care, enjoy your beautiful DD, and ignore insensitive family. Sad that they wouldn't respect your wish after difficult time, regardless how ridiculous it sounds to them.

hastheworldgonemad by your own admission you haven't been in the position of having a child or new born grandchild on the critical list. It's one of those situations where you simply don't know how you'll react until it happens. I completely understand why my father took lots of photos of my DD in her incubator - on a camera, before even the ease of mobile phones: he did it because he felt it was a useful thing to do, in a situation where he felt otherwise helpless, for me to have memories had my DD died, as seemed likely at that point. Leaving aside the characterization of this particular mother as controlling, surely it's a very natural response to do what she (and my father) did - in case the daughter survived but the grandaughter didn't, so that there were recorded memories of the baby alive, for the daughter?

Also, had my DD died I for one would certainly have wanted my close family to have had time with her alive, whether I was conscious or not - if as a nurse you had prevented that hastheworldgonemad, you'd have caused a great deal of emotional damage which you couldn't ever have put right, so I do nurses generally think in a bit more depth than you appear to be doing.

so I do hope nurses etc

Kaytee so you are saying that the baby should have been alone on a hospital ward with no family around until the mother is able to see baby? Isn't baby as much a part of the wider family as the mum and dad and other family members?

2nds
I have asked that question a couple of times now and apart from a couple of people who said yes they think the baby should have been left alone I haven't received any other answers.

I think a lot of people are missing the point here:

the photos seem to be a symptom of the actual issue - the OP has a mum who likes to rub her nose in the fact that she got to do various things with DD FIRST. Clearly she's rather enjoying doing so, too. She is USING the fact that her daughter and DD nearly died to bolster her own ego.

Vile behaviour whichever way you look at it and I can quite understand why the OP wants the pictures gone. That won't solve the problem of an individual being disordered enough to use the photos as a tool for one-upmanship against her own daughter, though.

Persian I also answered you to say that the baby should be left with staff rather than being left with a family member who was known to intend harm to the baby or the mother.

In addition to what I said earlier, of course the baby's father or the mother's partner would be the ideal person. At no point, ideally, would the baby be left alone, especially if it was struggling for life. If other relatives of the mum were a) available, b) could prove who they said they were and c) appeared to have the interests of the baby at heart, weren't going to get in the way of medical care etc, then crack on. But not everyone is fortunate to have decent human beings for parents and some people sadly do thrive on others' vulnerability.

Persian I also answered you to say that the baby should be left with staff rather than being left with a family member who was known to intend harm to the baby or the mother.
I know that's why I said "apart from a couple of people who said yes they think the baby should have been left alone", those people being you and Anniegetyourgun.

Froginapan no one really knows what the situation is between any OP and their MIL/FILS or whoever they are having an issue with.
It's one of the most common things for a grandmother to have and to display a picture of a newborn and for a new father to send HIS PARENTS a photo, or to show his parents the baby whether it be in person or by Skype or whatever. IT'S HIS BABY TOO, of has the OP forgotten this fact? If a man can't show his own family his new baby what else is he not allowed to do and if this was the other way around and this was a man posting that he didn't want his wife's parents having pics of the newborn because he was unable to see baby first foe whatever reason he'd be called a control Freak.

Persian At no point did I say yes I think the baby should be left alone.

If the mother is not available the birth partner and/or staff should be with the baby.

The OP's parents-in-law haven't come into this at all, as far as I'm aware, 2nds.

If your DM hadn't taken these pictures they you wouldn't have any of the first hours of her life. I would be grateful and ask for copies! Pleased that someone close was with my child when I couldn't be!
I think you are bring somewhat selfish and controlling. These are the circumstances of your child's birth... You need to come to terms with it! It's no ones fault!

goodbye

Actually yes I have been in this situation with my 12 year old dd as she was badly injured on a school trip abroad. We nearly lost her. So please don't make judgements on things you cannot ever understand.

Perhaps that's why I can see the ops point of view and you can't.

Many posters here who have had situations like this support and understand the op.

And back to the op her dh was with the baby and as a nurse I think that was exactly what should have happened. Nurses don't 'get into trouble' love we make judgment calls as a team in conjunction with the whole medical team. Maybe you should stop watching casualty as you are so misinformed.

And in life threatening situations medical staff will take pictures of babies and encourage the next of kin ie mum and dad to do this too.

You must know that social media has blown apart the privacy of photos now and no one would want to see pictures of very sick babies posted by relatives without the knowledge and consent of the parents. Yes this didn't happen here but it could have.

My sympathy is totally with the op.