To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

You did give birth! You gave birth via CS. So did I, and I also had that feeling of "I didn't give birth" - but now I realise that I did, and I did what I had to do to keep my baby safe. So did you, and you should be proud of that.

I found my son's birth upsetting and your experience sounds far worse - we were both physically fine but I was left alone in theatre while he went with my partner to be weighed. So I missed out on his first half hour and I still mind. I treasure the photos DP took during that time, but that's me. You're you, and it sounds as though your DM's behaviour is insensitive at best. You might be unreasonable to ask her to take the photos down but YANBU to be upset.

If you think you'd benefit from some help in relation to your birth experience, you might find the Birth Trauma Association helpful, ditto a birth debrief and counselling. I can also really recommend a book just bought called How to Heal from a Bad Birth.

There is obviously a bad dynamic between you and your mother independently of your daughter's birth. It sounds as if your mother has power and control issues, which sadly are quite common in mother/daughter relationships. It is very sad that this is a factor in this situation which is causing you so much upset. Have you tried telling her how strongly you feel about this and how sad and anxious it makes you feel? It is hard to believe that anyone who loves you would not respect your very sincere and deep feelings. If your mother remains genuinely indifferent to your pleas (or God forbid, triumphant), then this is part of a wider problem which you will have to deal with for the sake of your future happiness and mental health. In this case, I think you have no option but to try to gradually distance yourself emotionally from your mother so she loses the power to make you feel helpless and unhappy. This can be done but is a longer term commitment.

I have never given birth vaginally.ever.
The timely intervention of team saved lives.Mode of delivery doesn't define me as a mother.
And if someone else has a beef about CS that's their issue,not mine

You are so lucky you have family who care about you and your child.

Not helpful. Having family members who make jibes to upset a new mum is nothing to be thankful for.

OP, I think this will be easier for you if you can accept that it's not about the photos. It's about your mum. And by getting riled up, you are playing into her hands. Demanding the pictures are removed makes you look controlling and reasonable and it will make her look like a martyr.

In your place, I would be stonily unimpressed and call her on it. And you don't have to go around to her house and actually look at these pictures you know.

'Yes, it's your favourite picture because you feel like you won by getting to meet her first. Now you like to remind me of it by saying this is your favourite picture, even though it's a rotten picture and you know I don't like being reminded of that time. It's in poor taste to draw attention to a period of time when my life was in the balance. But whatever.'

unreasonable

YABU. Come on, you know it.

Wow Vixx could you squeeze any more empathy in there???

I get it OP and I think your mum should understand and change the damn pictures. Who displays the very first pictures anyway? (They are usually quite grim. My sister managed to get a nice blood stain in the first pictures she ever took of her DC!!)

I think other family members meeting baby before mum can be deeply unsettling.

Deleting the photos altogether is not necessary but taking them down from public display is fair enough.

Sounds really upsetting for you the birth and after sounds traumatic I really think you need to try and let this go DD2 was in babycare and i wasnt to well so didnt really see her properly afterwards my sil went to scbu and saw dd from the window and came to see me second with stories of tubes and drips in her it really got to methankfully was in the days before fb and all that so no photos . The picture is reminding you about that horrible time tell your mum this and hopefully she will change it for a better 1 of your baby

OP it sounds like you have a strained relationship with your DM and it's okay to distance yourself from her. Wondered through if you have considered if you have PND or PTSD? This is a little thing to latch onto and obsess over, very typical behaviour of someone with depression (from experience)

YABU.

You've obviously got issues round the birth that you need to deal with, and are transferring your issues with that onto these pictures.

I don't think you're mum is being unreasonable at all by pointing out a favourite picture of hers that happens to be before you met your DD. You're making a much bigger deal of that than it is.

It's nice that your DD had her family all round her while you were recovering. Would you rather she'd been alone so you could meet her "first"?

I think this is a situation where you may have to weigh the pros and cons. If you do get the photos deleted, you probably won't feel much better. It won't really change any of the hardest feelings but photos that may come to mean a lot in the future will be gone. Those are also your baby's photos, try to see them as something for baby in the years to come when you tell the birth story.

Yabu and I think you would best speaking to someone to get help to deal with your feelings about the birth.

When I had my kids, I said if I was under GA I didn't want anyone to meet them before I did. However, since there was a possibility that both of you were going to die, I can understand that not being adhered to. And I wouldn't have expected it to be.

I can't help wonder if you are perceiving that your mum loves that she met your child first, rather than her actually feeling that way. You are suggesting she is happy she nearly lost her daughter and grandchild as it meant she met her grandchild first.

I would seek help before asking people to get rid of photos

Yanbu at all. I had a traumatic emcs with ds5. I was conscious but fairly out of it from the sepsis and he was whisked off to nicu to be ventilated before I'd got more than a brief glimpse of him. I didn't see him after that until about 4pm (he was born at 1.53am). I was delirious and hallucinating from the morphine and the sepsis but I made it very clear to dh that nobody apart from him and our other 4 boys were allowed to visit ds5 before I'd seen him and had a proper cuddle.

Personally if I were you I'd be so tempted to take a photo of your mum having something unpleasant like a root canal and display it in your living room. You could make some pa comments about how marvellous it was to be there and how it's your favourite photo of her.

I'm not even going to say yabu, but you must know this would look a little over the top and controlling to make people remove and delete.

Yes, and of course you most definitely gave birth, even by CS.

OP, I'm reading some of the comments on this thread in disbelief. Mumsnet is full of absolute arseholes sometime.

You are clearly raw about this and don't have the best relationship with your mother. I think it's best to say nothing and not rock the boat in what's clearly an upsetting relationship for you as is. YANBU to feel the way you do and for you. It sounds like the birth was really hard for you.

If she is so controlling, perhaps you could beat at her own game. Get some prints and change them when she's taking DD for a walk around the block. Quickly take the prints and put them in your car or in the nearby letterbox and post them to you.

I, too, have a nasty, manipulative, competitive and controlling mother. The last thing I would ever do is ASK for her to remove them. I have had a ton of counselling and can thoroughly recommend it. The most prevalent photo in my mother's house is ONE OF HER lol.

I understand what you are saying. I carried three surrogate pregnancies and the labour with the second one was too sudden and fast for the parents to get from the other side of the country there for their child's birth. I felt awful that I got to see their baby before they did and do that first special (bottle) feed without them. I didn't take any photos until they arrived as it just didn't seem right to do that without them there but if they had wanted me to then I certainly wouldn't display them.

Fucking hell, a horribly traumatic birth and op is getting told to get over herself re her feelings about it? Who said the sisterhood was dead, eh? OP, YWBU to ask for photos to be deleted, but YANBU for feeling upset about it.

My love, it sounds like there's a lot of unresolved issues around the birth - entirely understandable, it sounds horrific. You know you are being unreasonable. Deleting/destroying the photos won't change the fact that you missed those hours. You need to find a way to come to terms with that.

My mum would be the same. She'd revel in it. And it would become part of her relationship with my child: 'You know, I was the first one to hold you, even before your mummy...' And it would make me stabby and rageous. So I do understand. I think you need to talk to her and explain how it all makes you feel.

Your baby loves you more than anything or anyone else right now, even her Dad. And she will always have a stronger bond with you than her grandmother. Photos on a wall can never change that. You are the sun and moon.

YABU to post this in AIBU, hope you find a resolution

I think YABU to expect them to change photos that they display in their own home. Does it really matter that they "met" your DD before you did? I know that right now it does to you but I think in years to come you may realise how lucky you are that people care so much about you and your family that they could be there at that crucial time.

However I think that it is very wrong for them to share any photos on social media that you are not happy with and YANBU to ask them to remove them from public view immediately.

Yanbu and some of the posters clearly have no heart, a traumatic birth and not getting to meet your child first after the nine gruelling months of pregnancy, I'd be peed off as well op! It's something every mother should get. I really feel for you, especially after some of the harsh comments.

Sadly I don't think deleting the pictures will remove the regrets you are quite naturally experiencing. it isn't their fault after all. Perhaps better to offer photos which are more positive reminders to replace the blurry images.

I can understand how you feel, but it sounds like this is a 'bigger' issue than just the photos. Your Mum knows that her having them out upsets you, but doesn't take them down, and keeps drawing your attention to them? That's the real issue.

Have you considered some kind of counselling to talk about your feelings about the birth? Try to focus on the fact that you and your DD survived. Youdid give birth, and as others have said, the method of delivery doesn't define you as a mother