To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

Since I've been in precisely the same situation as the OP, as regards nearly dying myself in childbirth and having a newborn on the critical list, I can identify absolutely hasthe worldgonemad. Moreover, with distance, I can also understand completely the emotions of the parents/ grandparents in that situation. It's a different situation to the one you describe and although the fact of being a nurse should give you a degree of insight, it doesn't seem to have done. What specialty do you work in?

It sounds like a time which has traumatised you and you are focusing on these photos as an outlet because you feel your mother can be controlling. Let your mother keep the photos and just ignore it. You'll have much nicer photos you'll all prefer to look at, but in time you may appreciate that they took some photos of when she was first born and her nan can tell your daughter it was her first photo. It doesn't matter if it wasn't that great. In time you'll become closer to your mother once your dd is interacting and toddling about. However you get on with your mother grandmothers are precious to our children. I speak from experience.

Sorry, just read the latter part of your post hastheworldgonemad. If it's addressed to me then can I just tell you that of course nurses get into trouble in the same way any medical personnel do if they screw up, even if it falls short of clinical negligence. Offhand I can think of one nurse who was sacked for her so-called judgment call during a haemhorrage I had and another who should have been sacked for negligence during another birth (cord around baby's neck) but fortunately I was knowledgeable enough myself to avoid the problem, and couldn't be bothered with the hassle of reporting her in the end. Medical judgment calls aren't infallible. What specialty do you work in, out of interest, since I'm guessing it's not maternity?

Oh bless you. I've not read all the replies but I understand how you feel. It must've been really hard others meeting her before you did, and those photos will remind you of a difficult and traumatic time. Maybe you could say to them that those photos remind you of that time every time you see them and you'd rather they displayed photos of her later on.

I just looked back and saw you came up with a good solution, I'm glad. Wishing you all the best

Oh I get it. My dm is similar. She shoved het way into my house to see my first ds, despite the fact I hadn't eaten in three days and had only been home from hospital for half an hr and in that time had passed out and the dr was on his way out to see me. She had to be the first family member to see ds. My feelings didn't come into it. Selfish narc behaviour.

Persian At no point did I say yes I think the baby should be left alone.
Sorry no you didn't. What I meant was that you said the baby should be looked after by either DH or only hospital staff if he was not available.

We will never agree on this issue but I do respect your opinion, sorry for my confusion.

A bit unreasonable. I thought you were going to say something on the lines of MIL gate crashed while you were having a Csection under GA. Your family were therefore your baby when you were seriously ill. DS2 was in SCBU while I was still under GA and the midwives took a photo for me to see as soon as I came round. I love that photo.

My mother would have spent the rest of her life telling everyone that she saw DS before me, she can be a cow like that (she loves it if a baby doesn't want to go back to its mother when she is holding it) so I can understand if you feel that your noses is being rubbed in it a lot.

2nds

Did you miss the OPs post regarding her mum regularly using the picture to remind/gloat over the fact the OP that she missed out on 1st things? Or that her 'D'M regularly uses the photo to remind the OP that she 'didn't have a proper birth'?

Toxic behaviour.

I had a baby under GA too, so I think I sort of understand. I'm happy to see the pictures of my son and husband before I woke up, but I definitely wouldn't want them displayed in everyone's houses to remind me of that awful, awful birth. I haven't RTFT but I think rather than issue an ultimatum, you need to explain how much it upsets you to be reminded of that time, and could they please put up a different newborn photo instead? Maybe get some nice ones printed for them?

OP I totally understand. I too went through a traumatic birth and post natal recovery period. I still have so much regret and pain and guilt surrounding the birth and how it happened and it was 2 years ago ! Even to some people it may sound silly but I still feel regret that I let them take her away from me and rub the vernix off her on a table after all we had been through. I can't imagine how painful it is to not be able to meet your baby for hours and know that they were there feeling like "Where's home? Where's Mummy?" and to have that taken away from them and from you. I am so sorry this happened to you and please please get some help to deal with these feelings. Birth reflections service at your hospital maybe? Counselling? Inquiry into why other family members were allowed to meet baby before you? Even just talking to the hospital and having your feelings heard on this will help...Even if they thought they were doing the right thing, they need to know how this has impacted you & how painful it felt. It will help them deal better with situations like that in the future possibly.

I still feel upset talking about my DD;s birth or thinking about it & still feel strange looking at pictures of her as a newborn because I do not remember a lot of that time, I was severely traumatised and had completely disassociated. I found it very hard to bond with my baby & still struggle with the guilt of it all now even though she is a happy, clever, well attached and adjusted 2 year old.

I am absolutely stunned by the callousness, ignorance and lack of empathy from some posters who are like "What? are you a controlling person in general? I have NO idea why anyone would be upset by this..the mind boggles!" OH REALLY...are you so lacking in human empathy and a soul that you can't put yourself in someone else's shoes for a second and try and understand how it may have been upsetting and more importantly TRAUMATIC to be unconscious when your baby was pulled out of you and feel like you missed out on not only that precious first moment of meeting your baby & connection that every pregnant mother dreams of & is vital to bonding & both mother and baby's wellbeing ? And then to be reminded of it every time you see those pictures that everyone else was allowed to meet your baby before you? Jesus. Have a heart ! Maybe you aren't educated enough to know what TRAUMA is and it's effect ...in that case educate yourself before dismissing and invalidating someone else's pain.
I recommend for OP and anyone who has any interest in understanding trauma and Post Traumatic Stress to read The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind & Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable, but you do have to understand that these family members do treasure these photos so I don't think it's fair to ask them to get rid of them - just replace with different newborn photos and to ask them to not post them or have them on social media is perfectly reasonable. I do think though that you need to sit down and have a talk about how that time made you feel and how you are still haunted by it and how the photos are a huge trigger for the trauma for you. Part of you healing from the trauma may be to look at these photos in the future but you don't need them around when you are still so raw. Also your Mum, Dad and Nan should listen and respect your feelings....If you are honest and open and vulnerable about it without blaming them for something they did which they saw as entirely a positive thing at the time, I am sure they will hear you and understand.

Please do seek help though as soon as possible to help resolve trauma from the birth..you may be suffering needlessly if you can heal from this it will be really positive in the long term for you and your daughter.