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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

411 replies

thumb3lina · 24/07/2016 13:36

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

OP posts:
LovelyBranches · 25/07/2016 18:17

If the photo had been taken by your dh and he had been the only one to meet your DD I can imagine you would have been disappointed not to be there but would be generally happy with the situation.

I have every sympathy with you and I can completely understand how your crowing mother may really add fuel to this situation. The only thing you can do is try and get past it, whether that means counselling to deal with birth trauma, a strong word with your mother and lots of mother daughter bonding times. Maybe you could have a new family photo shoot and present this new photo to your mother.

You are your daughters mother. If your mother is like mine she'll think that the lines are very blurred. They aren't. She can never replace you, but she can have her own special and loving relationship with your DD as a grandmother.

danTDM · 25/07/2016 18:18

YadefinitelyNbu.

I totally understand and struggle to see why others wouldn't.

Feelingsolow12345 · 25/07/2016 18:20

unfortunately for me once I delivered my ds I had to be rushed into theatre and my DP held him first. also the midwife changed his first nappy too as my legs were still dead from surgery and I couldn't move. I don't envy anyone as if it wasn't for them my son would have been in distress.

I can see where you're coming from cause I felt upset that my MIL had put up pictures of ds up before me and most of the pics are her and ds and hardly any of me and ds. I've learnt to move on from it as I can't get that time back and I know from next time (if we have another dc) that I need to put my foot down and demand to have the first pic with them and to tell people not to print photos yet till we have our first.

BummyMummy77 · 25/07/2016 18:31

Flowers op.

I wish other women on here could be a little kinder sometimes and stop and think that just because you don't feel a certain way not everyone is the same. Life is fucking hard enough without kicking each other when we're down.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 25/07/2016 18:32

Don't think that's unreasonable to feel like that. I wouldn't ask to delete but removing from fb would be OK, imo.

Be prepared - as evidenced by numerous reactions here - that some people just don't 'get' why that's upsetting.

I'd absolutely never dream of taking pics of anyone's newborn before they had even seen them.

robinia · 25/07/2016 18:36

"I think birth trauma is still very much misunderstood and there is definitely a culture of 'you have your baby, doesn't matter how unwell they are, how unwell you are or what's happened to you'.

This with bells on.

I loathe the "as long as baby is ok that's all that matters"."

^^ This.

OP, you are definitely NBU.
In your position, I would ask my parents (or get DH to do it) to remove the photos so that you never see them again, unless you ask to. If they refuse or it doesn't happen, then just point out that you won't be able to go round to their house any more as it's too upsetting for you.

KatieNix · 25/07/2016 18:38

OP,

FWIW I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. I think the way you phrased the original question doesn't represent the reality of the situation. Presumably your mum is just like this, it's not a new thing which has begun with the birth of your daughter?

This is particularly upsetting, and such a fraught issue, because your DD is very young. 7 months is no time to get over something so profoundly affecting. While many posters have invited you, in rather strident terms, to acquire some perspective, they seem to have forgotten the fact that instead of supporting you in getting over the upset of a traumatic birth, which is important not only for you, but for your DD, your mother seems intent on upsetting you.

I would like to suggest this - when you feel calm and strong, you tell your mother how you feel - not in a passive-aggressive "are you happy I almost died" way, because this gives her an in to say you are being over-emotional, unreasonable - just state it calmly. Tell her that you know she loves the photograph, and you understand why, but ask her to remove it to somewhere you won't have to see it, as an act of consideration. Explain that it hurts you. Do it calmly, don't make threats or give ultimatums, just see what happens.

If she won't/doesn't do as you respectfully ask, consider carefully what she will be like as a grandparent, if this is her parenting style. Your DD is yours and your husband's responsibility, and your bond, your happiness with her and in her, and that of any future children, is more important than narcissistic power-play. But ignoring this sort of thing doesn't make it go away, and I don't think it's you who needs perspective. Perhaps you are more sensitive than usual, but with good reason.

Obviously, goes without saying, this is just my opinion, but I do speak from (a little) experience.

Congratulations!

tangerino · 25/07/2016 18:43

Katienix is v wise.

Awalkinthepark1 · 25/07/2016 18:49

Grow up. You have a lovely healthy baby and you are angry because your Mother saw her before you did!. How silly and immature is that!. You get to see your daughter EVERY day. You really do need to get over this anger your feeling over a few photo's. It is just redicilous.

Fleck · 25/07/2016 18:50

You are definitely not being unreasonable to not want the pictures on display, I think I would also find that very upsetting, however I think you might regret having them deleted in the future. I did get to meet my baby after my cs but then he was taken to NNU. The nurse brought me a pic of him which I am very grateful for, but it hurt to know she was there to take it and not me. I wouldn't like that pic on display but would never throw it away. Thankfully he is fine now. I am surprised by the many posters saying 'I wouldn't let anyone see my baby before me'. I'd be absolutely gutted to not meet them first, but not as gutted as imagining them all by them self with no one who loved them. Ds was often on his own in NNU initially as I was immobile from the cs and had to be wheelchaired in. I got walking very quickly and was there as much as possible. It still haunts me that he was on his own though (despite very very caring nurses), I would have loved family to be with him when I couldn't.

Touchmybum · 25/07/2016 18:54

YABU, completely, sorry! If you are going to be so sensitive to something that is, in the scheme of things, minor, you are going to have an extremely bumpy parenting journey.

I've had 3 babies all by CS, and I did give birth to them (though I felt a bit like you first time around - trust me, you did!). They are teens now and tbh I wouldn't care now they'd been given birth to by an alien.... sometimes I think they must have been!!!

You can control how you feel about the photos. I got to hold my first briefly, then she was whisked away, washed, dressed etc with my DH while I lay in recovery, for how long, I don't know. DH got photos of her in her cot holding his little finger, bonding with his firstborn - he looked as proud as Punch and I loved them.

I think you have to box clever re the photos. Why don't you dress your DD up in a really cute outfit, and take her pic with her grandparents - then say, those pictures are way out of date now, let's put up recent ones instead. I'm only surprised they haven't replaced them already. Very first photos aren't that pretty!!

I think the photos are a symptom of something else, not the actual focus of how you feel.

Awalkinthepark1 · 25/07/2016 18:55

Katienix. Narassistic power-play!!!!!. This is not what Thumb3lina needs.

MyMurphy · 25/07/2016 18:56

Don't think Op is coming back.

VioletRoar · 25/07/2016 18:57

Yanbu at all op. I am horrified at those that are telling you to "grow up". What a revolting attitude.

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 25/07/2016 18:57

Awalk - I expect that little pep talk will be a great help

Brighteyes27 · 25/07/2016 19:05

You need to focus on the here and now and make this time count with your daughter. Forget these photos and focus your time and energies on your daughter now. YABU.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 25/07/2016 19:06

Awalk is bloody rudeness needed?

BellaOfTheBalls · 25/07/2016 19:12

YABU but I get it.

After I had DS2 I had to have a spinal block due to a retained placenta. I got a very short cuddle then they whisked me off to theatre. My mum took some photos in the 45 minutes between me going into surgery & DS2 being brought to me in recovery. Because I had to be laid flat for a long time after the surgery and then DH had to go home we had very very few photos of DS2. Initially I felt like you did about the photos taken when I hadn't really "met" him but then memory card that stored them got corrupted; they're now all gone & I barely have any photos of him shortly after he was born (compared to with PFB DS1 where there are several hundred lots).

You might not treasure them now but you may do in future. Don't get too hung up over them. And maybe consider some counselling or a debrief with the MW following what must have been a traumatic birth.

DistanceCall · 25/07/2016 19:12

OP, if this is any help, your daughter was INSIDE of you for nine months. You are the first person she ever knew. Your mother didn't meet her first - you knew her intimately already (and she you).

I would let it go. But I would not allow your mother to be so controlling in the future.

villanova · 25/07/2016 19:23

OP, in our area there's a service called 'birth after thoughts' run by hospital midwives trained in counselling, who go through the sequence of the birth events with you, and help you understand what happened when, and why. I found it a very therapeutic experience, and helped me reconcile my version of events with the facts (it also helped me relax enough to have another baby). Maybe there's something similar in your area, maybe it would be useful for you?

pamhill64 · 25/07/2016 19:25

I can understand that you feel you've missed out on those first precious hours with your baby but they can't be replaced, whether the photos are deleted or not (you'll always know in your head anyway so why upset family?). I was so tired after 24 hour labour and then a c-section I slept for my baby's 1st 8 hours, including 2 feeds and have pictures of nurses feeding her! She didn't even feel like my baby! No, better to get over/deal with those feelings (and any others from having to have a CS and not your ideal birth plan). Is baby still young? Could you have pnd? Talk to HV/GP and cherish those photos that show your baby being cherished by family and not nameless staff in the time you recovered.

bluepumpkin · 25/07/2016 19:26

I can totally understand why you're upset OP. Of course you know that doctors, midwives etc meet baby before you in that situation, and even if they took pictures FOR YOU that would be different but I'd be upset to see photos in frames from before I'd met my baby. I don't think I'd ask them to delete them, but I'd want them kept private. I don't think you're being unreasonable Flowers

Notmuchtosay1 · 25/07/2016 19:29

I can understand how you feel. Though I don't think it would bother me, but unless I was in that position I don't know. It's difficult, maybe your mum enjoys knowing you don't like the photos.
Not quite sure why you couldn't bath your daughter. I've had 3 c sections and did everything. I didn't have any help.

mummylove2monsters · 25/07/2016 19:42

YANBU - bless you I totally get it , I'd have been really upset - I had a c-section and before I went in I made my husband promise he would not post or message any pictures until I'd seen her !!! It feels like you've been robbed of your first moments but in time you may feel better , that baby will only have eyes for you - I promise X 💕

Twiggy71 · 25/07/2016 19:43

Op your allowed to feel however you want as it's your hurt. Flowers

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