To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

My father took lots of photos of my first child when she was in the NICU without my express permission, simply because we'd been told there was a significant chance she would die. He knew those photos would be important to me later if indeed she did die. In the event we were extremely lucky but even so at one point I threw away the set he gave me because I found it hard to look at the photos. When he died nineteen years later I was very glad to find a second set neatly stuck in an album which I now have myself. In time you may well be glad of those photos OP, so if I were you I'd let the photo thing go but I do see there are other, separate, issues.

I had a tough time with my dt's birth and a difficult mother. The hospital knew she was not in the 'inner circle' so she was gently but firmly kept at arms length.
It was a horrible time and 4 years later I still can't look at photos of the twins before they were 5 months old.
I would find it terribly hard if my mother had been allowed in without me and taken photos. She would have behaved similarly to yours OP.
i don't think you can do anything about those pictures now without making your mother worse. Is there someone else (you mention siblings?) who could call her out?

I posted in AIBU because I wanted to hear genuine answers, what people really think.

I have PTSD, I wanted to hear honest answers not clouded by the knowledge of my PTSD which is why I didn't mention it before even though I know it's relevant. I'm not able to get over it unfortunately. I feel traumatised from things which were done to me during labour but also (and separately) from not being conscious for my DDs birth and I feel the photos just add to this. I would rather remember my DD from the point that I met her actually I'd rather not remember her at all as a newborn.

I don't want anyone to compare this to loosing a child, this is completely different. Loosing a child is 10000 X worse and not comparable.

The photo issue is mostly solved; I gave my dad a new photo that I "had printed for mum as a surprise" and happened to fit the frame perfectly

Sneaky move, i like it xx

Op I think you come across with great dignity and calm. Nothing you have posted has seemed odd or surprising, why the hell wouldn't you feel the way you do?

Birth trauma and resulting issues are massively under researched and acknowledged I think. My first birth was in 1989 and massively traumatising and invasive and I still feel the need to talk about it but o think society in general has the attitude ' oh well baby survived and so did you so what's your problem?'

I think it's ironic that there's so many antenatal support and so so little post natal support.

Totally support you op and totally understand where you are coming from.

Mumsnetty and a YANBU hug xx

And you say you will never get over it. You know what that's fine. Why should you. But you learn to
Live with it and gradually rationalise it.

My dd is working through PTSD and it takes years and years. Be kind to yourself and accept how you feel is actually ok.

I suffered a placental abruption and was, basically, bleeding to death. It was terrifying and baby had to be delivered by emergency CS as we both could have died.

I didn't see my baby for hours, but DP was there and the first photos he took of her, I treasure.

Yabu.

Good luck OP, I hope things get easier.

Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if people could just stop telling us how they felt in a situation and acknowledge at other people feel differently?

wandering

I suffered total organ failure with dc3 no idea why and neither did the medical staff. I could have died and dh was told how Ill I was. I had no idea.

Went on to have dc4.

But really can't you see how another woman feels differently to you?

I get you. DC1 was born while I was under general anaesthetic too, he was taken to NICU and I didn't meet him until he was 12 hrs old. My ex brought his sister in to meet DC1 while I was still asleep in recovery. I was gutted that she held my baby before I had even met him. I felt quite sad about it for a while.

I think hospital staff need to get onboard with this. I am a nurse.

This is a huge topic and needs to be addressed

world I totally agree. I don't think people have an appreciation of how damaging it can be to give people who are or claim to be family members access to newborns against the express wishes of the mum, or at the very least, without ensuring their consent. I'm six years on but will probably never ever get over the way my MIL behaved towards me that day and in DD's first few weeks, I can't sleep now and my heart's racing just remembering it.

Glad to hear a positive outcome from OP, too.

I personally do not allow "a few" family members into the scn or delivery suite to see the baby and take photos if the mother is recovering from a general. Apart from the partner/father other relatives have to wait until the mother has laid eyes on her baby. It's your experience and your baby, you are entitled to feel however you want about the photos.

YANBU!
I had a similar experience (being under GA) for the birth of my DD 10 months ago. I still cannot bear to see the pictures taken of her and her own father whilst I was completely out! I would be even more upset if there were more photos of her out there with even more people!

Lay down the law with your mum - remind her each time you see that picture of little one on the mantlepiece you are reminded of how she came into the world. Tell her to see it from YOUR position and YOUR point of view.

I think It is extremely hurtful - be constantly reminded she she met the baby first! She should be more tactful. It seems that people don't realise that trauma and traumatic experiences really do affect people deeply! I feel that she (and anyone else displaying these photographs) are being extremely selfish.

You are YANBU - no can tell you how to feel about these pictures!

A similar thing happened to me and part of me which wishes had been there to hold my ds when he was first born, but in order to keep myself and him safe, this was a small sacrifice.
I take comfort in those pictures as I know he was with people that loved him just as much as me.
He is 7 years old now, when I look though his baby album, he is happy that his closest family where there on his '0' birthday as he calls it.
I would talk to them to explain how you feel as like mephistomarley said, you may regret it later, I know I would have done and these moments never come back again.

After my ds was born I was rushed to theatre with a haemorrhage. I fully expected to die. I woke to find my husband's had posted onFacebook in a similar way but I felt extremely upset about it at the time and I did ask him to remove them. In particular one with my son heels by my husband when I had barely looked at him let alone cuddled him. Having a traumatic birth will impact you. You will feel as though you have been robbed of an experience that most others have and that's just made worse when you see everyone else enjoying your child when you missed that chance. Your response is totally understandable but it is also a symptom of how you are feeling and even before I see you're post about ptsd, it struck a cord with me due to the trauma I had first time round. I took some time to get the help I needed but I did bond with ds in the end. I also felt able to attempt another pregnancy and birth in the end which helped me to deal with my demons. Hold on to the photos bit let people know how they made you feel. This will also help them support you with the easy you are still feeling. I think they were posted with the best of intentions and in years to come you will appreciate them and the love with which they were posted. You will move forward in time but allow yourself to accept this was a trauma and your reaction to the birth and the photos is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Can I ask a genuine question to those who wrote things like 'get a grip' or 'drama queen' or anything harsh like that? I've been on MN a while now and I don't get it, why do you post comments like that? I'm genuinely intrigued

Sorry didn't mean to post that without finishing it! I get that you disagree and maybe even think like that but when someone is upset why don't you try to be at least sensitive. I really don't understand it. By all means say YABU if you think it but could you not explain why, rather than just be hurtful. How does that make you feel better?

Sorry I've not read all the way through, but to OP, I understand what you mean. DD1 was a crash section under GA, ex-H may have been a twist in many ways but when I came round, he showed me the Polaroid pic that the midwife has taken before she whisked DD1 off to SCBU (that dates it a bit) and said that he hadn't gone up to see DD as he felt it should be both of us. He briefly saw her as she was wheeled out of theatre (as the staff checked and showed him the name bands) but that's all. Newborn baby pics tbh are not display-worthy, they are more for parent memories. Only time you would have out in my mind is if that's all you had to remember a child by, otherwise have a pic of hem at a week or two old when they are less scrunched up!

I'm with you frazzled . What do they think they're achieving by writing "get over it" or "the same happened to me and I'm fine" 😡

It's the anonymity, Frazzled. Makes them feel powerful and detached from any consequences. There is nothing more controlling than wanting to take the role of Judge. Especially an invisible one.