To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

I don't base my treatment of people on what category they've posted in on MN...

yanbu op, I didn't see my baby for hours. all I had was a pic the midwife took,
I was lucky that the only person that saw her was her dad. I would not have wanted someone to meet her before me and her dad.
I would be asking that at the very least the photos were put away.

Glad you found a positive solution OP!

Navyandwhite - yes I really am, it wasn't just a rant. What goes through people's mind when they write that and what does it achieve? I'm all for people disagreeing, that's the point of this but why would you want to make someone who is feeling like shit, feel worse? If the OP was being an arse to a particular person then perhaps I'd understand more if they retaliated but she is obviously struggling and I don't get the culture of making parents in particular feel they are wrong for struggling with any part of parenthood. That's coming from me and I don't pretend to be a saint at all, I can be seriously opinionated!

They may have backed it up but why word it like that in the first place? You could say 'personally I think yabu because....' And someone who is upset and feeling really low may not be thinking where the best place to post is, do they deserve to be slammed for that as well?!!

Even just commenting YABU and pissing off is better than being hurtful

hastheworldgonemad in a number of posts other people are giving their experiences to illustrate the admittedly obvious point that perspective very often changes with time. That's generally helpful for people struggling in the middle of a crisis. For my part, not only did I take real comfort from some of the things put up on the parents' board in the NICU but I've recently been asked by the NICU to share my own story of how I got through the days, and what kept me going, for parents currently going through a similar ordeal. As a nurse you should get that. Just the knowing that other people initially felt the same but are through that in similar circumstances really does help.

YANBU! At all! I haven't been in the same situation but I can imagine how it makes you feel.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, what an awful thing to go through. I am shocked that the hospital let people see your baby before you did, and doubly shocked that people are sharing the pictures.
Navyandwhite I must have missed the memo about different standards of compassion for different categories on MN...

ClockBusCanada & Anniegetyourgun
Thank you for replies although I can't say that I agree with you I can understand why you would feel that way.

Glad you have managed to resolve the issue OP. YANBU

I think that 2 issues jumped out at me

1. that the photos act as a constant reminder of the birth trauma you suffered and act as triggers of those feelings of being helpless and worry that you or dc will die

1. that the family member was not sensitive to your feelings - not only displaying the photos that brought back the bad memories but using them to gloat about the situation where they met the baby first. It was not caring the way they made it all about their own wants.

NavyandWhite - but my question is why? Why do people comment harshly, regardless of where it is posted how does it help anyone? I really am genuinely asking that question to people who posted like that, what makes you WANT to speak to someone like that? It truly baffles me and I don't think I'm a particularly overly nice person

Yes she may have got a softer response somewhere else, or she may have got very few replies at all as it seems this is where you get most comments so I'd probably do the same. And haven't you ever felt so crap about a situation or yourself that in some ways you look for people to reaffirm how you are feeling about yourself, to agree you are ridiculous? Maybe not, I hope not but I have and it's a shitty place to be in. You may be looking for people to agree you are crap but it's the absolute last thing you actually need and the fact that someone wants to be that person to make you feel worse is really sad

I'm sure I will get a lot of 'get over yourself' s myself now or 'you shouldn't post if you can't take the replies' but to me it's no better than school playground bullies saying that the victims shouldn't allow themselves to be bullied. Bloody horrible way to live imo

YANBU. Those pictures are a constant reminder of the previous first hours you missed. I don't think they should destroy them as I'm assuming they are trusted and loved family members?
I do think it would be sensitive of them to put other pics up that are a few hours older.
Why don't you get some printed yourself and framed? Take them over and gently explain the way you feel each time you see the earlier ones. I think general anaesthetic can sometimes be disruptive in the initial bond formed between mother and baby in the very early days. I'm sure if you ask they would swap pictures.

I think part of the point tho is ifvyou'd go onto Chat and be polite to someone in dostress whyvwould you come on here and deliberatly be a bitch? Not specifically you but in general. Why do people think it's ever ok to deliveratly be hurtful

OP i hope you've read enough posts to know its not personal

While I don't think they've done anything wrong I do know how irrational we can be after child birth especially a traumatic one and it sounds as if you are close to your family so I'd just explain that whether or not they find your feelings rational or agree with them, explain for your own peace of mind you'd rather not see those pictures anywhere.

They love you clearly and will go along with your wishes even if they don't understand them.

I hope you can one day appreciate that you and baby are here though and not focus on the few hours you missed

I did say in general navy and i do think some people like the power of being mean and seeing a reaction

I do think that YABU to 'make' people delete photos. You can't do that.
However, could you try and reason with your mother, or ask a close relative, do you have a sister, aunt or your gran, explain to them that the photos on display bring back traumatic memories of a really frightening time for you and every time you see the photos it brings back terrible memories. But could you work on thinking of these photos as a triumph and a fantastic time where you and your daughter survived. I think that you should seek some therapy and speak to an expert.
You did meet your daughter first, she came from you, and it doesn't matter how she came out.

Good luck to you

OP I know where you're coming from, but I really think YABU.

When you said family members I thought you meant aunts, uncles etc
Not your own parents (& grandmother)

If I had been very unwell following the birth of my baby, I would not be surprised that my own parents had met the baby before me.

I could imagine my husband holding our baby, and being worried about me- I would want my parents to be there to support him.

Taking photos- I think I would treasure those first photos, yes you weren't conscious at that point but it's special that your baby's first hours were recorded with photos.

YWBVU to insist that these images are deleted.

If I had been very unwell following the birth of my baby, I would not be surprised that my own parents had met the baby before me.
I was beginning to think that I was the only person who felt that way.