To make family members delete pictures of DD when she was born?

[thumb3lina]

When DD was born I was under general anaesthetic and didn't wake up well so I didn't see her for a few hours. A few family members met DD and took pictures of her in her cot before I had met her and I'm now seeing these pictures a lot, printed and digitally. Would IBU to make people delete them or at least remove them from display?

My reasoning is that DH and I should have been first to meet her and I don't like that they met my own daughter before I did, also because I don't like to see these pictures as they remind me of the time I missed with her. Purely selfish reasons.

Fuck me - MN at it's very worst. Staggered at how utterly cuntish some posts are, just unreal.

OP if you've gone I'm not surprised but I urge you to please focus on the posts where it is patently clear that the posters have some experience of that which they speak of as their content of empathy & advice is priceless.

As for the 'grow up', 'first world problems', 'stop being immature' comments - really? Nasty fuckers

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel this way.

I suspect saying something could make it worse though - why confirm she has hurt you, seems like that's what she want to achieve (?!)

Your baby is just 7ms - soon enough there'll be 100s and 100s of other photos, other firsts, other memories that you will want to cherish - hold onto those xx

I had photos taken of me and my daughter I wasn't asked I was told that's what you do I hate them I just wanted pictures of my daughter not a fat unhappy me that felt the worse I ever felt

Somewhat reluctant to post due to the level of vitriol displayed, but here goes.

OP if you're still reading I just wanted to give my take on it. Birth is a time when a women is hugely emotionally and physically vulnerable and relies on partner and family for support. Your mother took total advantage of this to get something she wanted and these pictures possibly remind you of this.

What has DH said about this and have you discussed this with DM? If it's really affecting you there's no harm in taking a break from her and getting your head together. How she responds to this is going to shape both the relationship you have with her and the one the has with DD.

Sorry I haven't read all the thread cos it was making me angry. I completely agree with you. There is no way anyone else apart form dh should've been allowed to see your baby before you. No way. I think the whole situation was dealt with badly. Trouble is, its happened now and quite some time ago. Isn't there something you could try to do to help yourself get over it? It's obvious your relations aren't going to take the pics down.

Oh and YANBU!

I don't have time to go through all 18 pages, but I wanted to say that I had a similar birth and totally get it. If it were me and my mum wasn't listening when I told her it upset me, I'd just take the photo down myself. If it went back up, I'd do it again. Being reasonable or unreasonable has nothing to do with it, this is raw emotion at work

I completely agree with you too op and my youngest is 16. And I am a gran and wouldn't dream of pushing my way into seeing my Dgs like that. My dil had a c section too and we stayed away until they asked us to visit. Poor form.

I can't see why the hospital allowed them to see your baby first and I think taking pictures of a newborn is bloody bad form unless both parents agree.

Your mum should have known better.

My advice to you is talk to your dh or your GP or sone other supportive person in your life and insist to your relatives that they give you those photos and you supply ones in their place.

Lots of sympathy op

Op, if you are still reading, ignore the bunfight.

You feel what you feel and that's ok.

For your own happiness and peace of mind it is worthwhile finding ways to make your peace with what you cannot change and even find a positive in it, such as treasuring v early photographs of your child. That does not make your mother 'win', it makes for a happier life for you.
Whenever you feel strong enough you can speak to your mum and ask her to not have the photos on public display. Don't do anything passive-aggressive. Say seeing them hurts you and reminds you of a horrific time in our life.

I do hope some of the opinions on this thread have been helpful.
It does not hurt to remind yourself what you have (your life, your baby), but that does not take away from the trauma of what you have lost (first precious contact/photos etc). Grieve for it, acknowledge that you would have liked things to go differently and then move on.

Ashamed of some mumsneters on this thread too. Hope you ok op

I can't see why the hospital allowed them to see your baby first
Do you think it would it would have been better if the baby had only been cared for by hospital staff rather than members of its own family?

I have just had to reset my password to come on and post in complete support of OP and don't think anyone who hasn't been through a GA birth can understand the impact it has. YANBU at all, my DS1 had half an hour with DH while I was still under then I was groggy for a couple of hours, 8 years ago. It is so far from what you expect and you cannot understand how robbed you feel until you go through it so unless you have been, don't post here!

I do hope you are able to talk it through but make it clear to people how you feel, they won't know unless you tell them. I accidentally discovered more about why DS1 birth happened the way it did when I encountered the same consultant for DS2 and now know that he wouldn't be here but for that intervention, but no one explained this at the time (even though the information was in the notes and I asked for it), so I just felt like I had failed. Sending you a big hug and lots of support.

I had something happen with pictures when my DD was born where by my (estranged and living in NZ for 10 years+) mum got hold of a photo of my DD from a trusted relative and posted it all over her Facebook page. All her 'friends' were congratulating her and assuring her she'd be a wonderful grandma yeah right! The fact that baby had been whipped out of me and straight to NICU whilst I nearly died of a 4.5l PPH and was still, 72hours later, yet to be reunited with my baby was lost on her. Totally get it, YANBU.

OP tried to DM but won't let me. If you need to chat through your birth experience I recommend the BTA Facebook peer support page. Lovely ladies who will be able offer a shoulder. X

Persian I can't speak for the OP but in my case it would have been far, far better if DD had been looked after just by DH or by qualified, competent staff who actually gave a shit about me or my baby - even if they only give a shit because they might be sacked or struck off if they didn't - than someone who has a track record of inflicting deliberate harm on her own children.

Just because someone shares your DNA, it doesn't automatically make them a good person, or magically turn them into someone who will have your best interests at heart.

I'm afraid I haven't read the hundreds of replies! OP I do slightly understand where these feelings are coming from. But think about it this way - your Mum and Dad thought they might lose their daughter and their granddaughter. They took photos to distract themselves, to cherish, to remember. To them it is probably a miracle you are both alive and now those photos represent a happy ending and a new beginning. The experience is fresh, the emotions are complex and when the dust settles you'll see this differently.

I understand having had a baby in the NICU.
YANBU, but it would be hard to get people to do this. Take care of yourself and perhaps some counselling?

Considering you both nearly died and as much as I think id be hurt, I would have calmed down before now and been greatful that those pictures were taken if your daughter lost her life.

Do you think it would it would have been better if the baby had only been cared for by hospital staff rather than members of its own family?

Yes. Why not? Baby would be warm, wrapped up, clean and fed. That's all she would care about for her first few hours of life anyway. There's no particular reason she would know the difference between a family member and anyone else who tended to her, with the possible exception of her mother whose smell, voice and heart rate she may recognise from the womb (opinions differ on this one - I like to think they do). Newborn bonding is far more about the parent's need than the child's.

Not RTFT all the way through, but what I have read reminds me that there are some seriously compassion-deficient people sitting behind screens right now.

Sending you love, OP . Birth trauma is dreadful and I fully understand why you're upset. But as PPs have said, if your relatives are enjoying the way this can hurt you, please don't give them any power. You are your little girl's mum - that will never, ever change - so hold on to that and be kind to yourself. xx

I don't get the people saying YABU. I really don't think you are. I would be very hurt that they were sharing the pictures. I'd let them keep them, but explain why they upset you and could they not be on display. That you've tried to move on but it still feels raw and whilst you can't change the past you can ignore it if you aren't remembering everytime you see the photos

Annie did you just pluck that from thin air? Links you may find enlightening posted below. (More for the parents my arse) Of course OP would have every right to consider early attachment/bonding; which I'm sure she has, all mothers do.

babyreference.com/bonding-matters-the-chemistry-of-attachment/

www.theguardian.com/social-care-network/2012/sep/12/secure-early-bonding-essential-babies

I too am another who is deeply embarrassed that there are other women here who would spead such cruel, needless, hurtful, offensive and often antagonistic tripe. I think HQ should seriously look at the befits of the AIBU section of mumsnet IMHO it's like a hornets nest these days. Hope you're ok Op, for what's it's worth I think you have every right to feel how you're feeling. You're mum sounds very narcissistic, that's a whole other thread, but there's lots of information available to how to manage a relationship with a narcissistic mother. One of the first steps is setting up some clear boundaries that protect yourself, she doesn't even need to be aware of them; they are a way for you to validate you're feelings and draw lines, when her behaviour becomes unacceptable, you develop coping strategies etc although for a while I would keep her at arms length, limited contact, possibly just telephone, until you put into perspective how you feel about her and what you're able/unable to put up with from her. Give yourself some time xxx

I am not a frequent poster but this thread made me so angry that I had to comment. I haven't read everything but I cannot believe how horrible people have been to OP and truly shame on them. Of course YANBU. Comments around control / not a race etc etc are frankly missing the point. Not withstanding what sounds like a very difficult birth these early moments are the prerogative of the parents and nobody else should be wading in and definitely not taking photographs. How insensitive. It is not about them. Their time for a relationship / precious moment comes later.

Some years ago after a difficult pregnancy and birth we were in NICU and after a brief visit my Mum had to go back home (some way away) and got upset that she hadn't bonded with my son. Although I have on the whole a good relationship with her this still annoys me. Yes emotions were running high but at that critical time it wasn't about her and her desire to bond - that was going to come (and of course did) - it was about DH, me and our son and what we needed re feelings, coping space, precious time.

Good luck OP in working through it but don't doubt your feelings - you are absolutely right.

I joined mumsnet a few weeks ago and I am pretty disenchanted with how many rude and insensitive posts I come across on here - I guess it's easy for people to be like that when they're anonymous behind a keyboard.