To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

God, there's no way I'd give them the money. Rude, entitled little gits.

Just stop giving them money. They're adults, they'll figure something out.

I wouldn't give a penny. If it is for food then I would take my son food shopping. If for electric I would put money on. She doesn't have respect for you but happy to take your money.

Unfortunately it's up to your son to sort out, not you. He's an adult and any decisions about how their relationship is working have to come from him. I would make it clear that this is the last time you will be helping out financially, but equally that you will always be there for advice or if he needs other support. Maintain email/text contact with him so he knows he can count on you if he decides the relationship isn't working for him. Don't really see that there's much else you can do.

Hell no. If they want the money you've promised them this time, they can come and get it - and this should definitely be the last bailout

This is their problem not yours just pop it through the letter box bugger that your son wont go hungry he is not a child but they do sound immature ungrateful and spoiled stop giving them money. The relationship doesnt sound healthy though thatis a real shame

I actually wouldn't give them the money this time. Explain to your DS that you're not a bank that can be called upon to bail them out of issues at their beck and call and given his GF attitude (and that they are her rats) and that they have both been unbelievably rude, this is a life lesson in not getting what you want.

But do keep contact with your son (maybe get him a non-contract mobile of his own for Christmas??).

I agree with the PP but having said that, if you decide to lend them the money on this occasion then they should get their sorry arses round to your house to collect it from you. You shouldnt be running around after them. No way.

I wouldnt be giving them the money either but if you are stop running about after them if they want it they can collect it

Sorry Op but each time you give them money you are both enabling this relationship to continue and this lifestyle to go on as well.

all the time you are acting as the enabler, this relationship is going to continue.

They are adults and they need to live their own lives. its hard because you love your son but this is actually the best thing that you could do for him at this time.

text her and say now, that if she wants the money then both of them need to come to yours to collect it. you aren't some sort of personal social security handout for them.

when they do come round, sit them down and calmly tell them how much money you have given them. I bet you haven't added it up and when you do it will be a shocking amount. make it clear that this is the last, the very last time you will do this.

They are acting like children so you have to act the adult and stop enabling this ridiculous lifestyle. My bet is that the GF wont hang around for long once the golden goose stops giving them eggs. hard to do but really necessary unless you can see yourself doing this in 2, 10 or 20 years time because really it isn't going to stop.

Thought the replies would be of this sort. It's hard when it it is your son you are turning your back on . However long term I am not sure whether that might be for the best. Interesting most if not all of you see this as both of them. Typical de facto MIL, I am blaming her more than him....

Caglio I think you are right, let them come and get it, after that text I do not feel like putting myself out.
Mouikey I did get him a phone on contract before for that very reason. Apparently it broke soon after but muggins here was still paying for the contract. He didn't tell me.

Stop giving them money . How bratty can you get; give us more dosh but stick it through the letterbox so we don't have to look at your face???
If you do this; you deserve all you get, frankly.

Stop giving him/them money.

You have been a bit of a mug I'm afraid, and yes your DS needs to either man up, or stop manipulating you (not sure which it is TBH).

Mummymeister thanks for your long post , some uncomfortable words to read but good ideas, I appreciate you writing it. You are right do I really want this long term?
Yes I think I will let them do the running. And I like your idea of getting them both to come round.

My mum does this with my brother and it honestly drives me mad and I cannot see why she does it.

You are enabling them to carry on living this way. If you want the relationship to end then stop giving them money, your ds may well back off for a bit but as long as you keep in touch and let him know you will be there for him no matter what and he is welcome in your house anytime, then he'll soon realise he can do better than the way he is living currently.

She sounds a nightmare to be honest, worse than my sister in law. where are her parents in all of this, do they help them out too?

Ok. The first thing that strikes me is that you say the GF has been mentally ill. I don't think it's necessarily fair to pin everything on her if she's not well.

But also, just stop giving them money! They're adults, he at least is working, it's their life to sort out.

Why are you doing this? She won't even thank you or speak to you and you are paying a vets bill for her rodents and also paying for her bank charges? She then sends you unpleasant emails and yet you are still going to give her money? (sometimes I think I've landed on a parallel universe when on MN). I wouldn't dream of doing this, does she have parents? Let them sort it out.

What is their relationship like? It sounds to me like she bosses him around or manipulates him. You need to support him on getting out of this relationship and bailing her out like this is just making it worse surely...

Let it all implode would be my advice.

Good advice from mummy mister. Tough love.

It might be her wafting about without a care but it is them who is taking the piss your son is taking the piss and you are letting him/them a pp is right you are enabiling not helping they dont even have the decency to ask you to your face email text and pop it through the door as i said your son will not starve you need to toughen up. I dont think helping adult children is wrong but i do think in this situation they are taking the piss,

They're adult, he won't go hungry. Send him a box of basic groceries if you're really worried he'll go to work without his brekkie or sarnies.
Why vet's bill if she has no income, there are charities for genuinely poor people's pet. Bank should listen to customers who genuinely can't pay a change immediately.

these two need to grow up, stop enabling them with money and help. when reality kicks in the relationship will end soon enough.

Just say 'I had some big bills and won't be paying any more'. Keep repeating. Keep repeating.

2bees Its really hard to read things when its your own child and you just cant believe that they would do this to you or that you would let yourself get into this sort of situation.

if you have a trawl through MN you will see thread after thread where kids have been doing this to their parents for years and years. it never just stops because it becomes the habit and the money pays for the lifestyle that they want. so why would they give it up willingly?

if his GF has MH issues severe enough to mean that she does not feel able to work then she needs to get the help and support that she needs - both in terms of therapies and financial. just refusing to acknowledge it or do anything about it is possible because you are giving them the money. perhaps when you stop she will then see she has to seek help so there might be another positive out of this too.

write down what you want to say because it is horrible to do. also do write down how much money they have had including the phone contract and everything else because really both you and probably they will find it shocking.

you are doing the right thing.

Milpool I pin the fact that she refused refuses to se a doctor on her which has had consequences on their finances.

My Mum has been doing this for my brother for years despite my sister and I telling her not to. We have another sister with SNs who manages with her little job and benefits and never asks Mum for a cent, yet Mum bails out my brother over and over. It's always someone else's fault too. Landlords who refuse to give back deposits for example but it seems to be a remarkable coincidence that ALL my brother's landlords are bastards! He once rang her from Paris asking her to transfer money to his account because he brought the GF to Paris for a romantic weekend but only could afford one-way tickets! He knew Mum wouldn't leave them stranded in Paris.
You need to tell him that this is the last time you bail him out. If he's an adult, he needs to become self-sufficient and if you keep bailing him out, that will never happen. My Mum says she bails my brother out so that he doesn't get a bad credit rating but IMO a bad credit rating would do him the world of good if it meant that he stopped borrowing money.
Also, he is not responsible for the GF's mental health if she refuses treatment and he does not have to put up with abuse because she is ill. That's no way to live for either of them.