To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

I have every sympathy for people with MH issues, but slightly less so for people who know they are mentally unwell but refuse to seek help and expect other people to enable them to do nothing to help themselves.

If you feel your son might not be eating properly then you could invite him/them over for meals more. That way, you increase contact as well and she has less of a chance to make you into the bad guy.

It's really hard, but as long as you carry on giving them money, nothing will change. After the attitude you got from her about putting the cash through the letterbox, I wouldn't be giving them anything this time either.

Agree with mummymeister, OP. You're facilitating this and it will carry on for as long as you do. Your son is not a little boy anymore and he needs to start making some adult assessments, choices and decisions.

Give him notice that this last batch of money was the last and that he should make sure that whatever arrangements the pair of them make from this point on, it's for them to finance and sort out - you will not do so again.

You know you need to stop the handouts, although I get it's difficult because it's your son.

I have Texted her to tell her they will both have to come round to collect it. I will not deliver. That was only 10min ago but every other text arrived almost immediately . I will just wait now .
Mummymeister I agree she should seek help , she won't . He won't man up enough to get her to, that is why I suggested he find his own place so that she would have no choice but to get help. That hasn't worked so far. Good idea to write stuff down. I now have my doubts they will come over. She is extremely stubborn and I am not sure how hungry he is needy enough to make her come.

If I was you I would only help them when they've done everything they can themselves, the GF needs to try to get at least some kind of a job or get help with her problems, not just expect you to pay so they can do whatever they want!

I would make no further contact. Let them make the contact. And stop the money handouts immediately.

With the food, if he was truly that badly off/hungry you could tell him he is always welcome at yours for a meal and use of washing machine etc (he does it himself of course). At 21, yes he's an adult but I remember needing a lot of emotional support and some bits of practical help up to 25, even though I worked very hard and worried over every penny (I mean literally every penny). And tell him his GF is also welcome at yours for a meal etc but she must be polite and civil. You don't have to be best friends but your DS might start thinking about whether he wants to be with a partner who can barely be polite to his mum even and especially when she is offering money to help out.

Re the phone, why did he have a contract phone instead of a pay as you go? Also, there's not many guys of 21 who can bear to be without a mobile phone, even a very basic one for emergencies or contacting his friends and GF not a fancy pants one. That seems really odd to me. I think you need your own channel of communication with him instead of going through the GF as that means she controls the communications as such which won't help.

She sounds bloody exhausting how long have they been together ? I think you did the right thing you are not refusing to help them you are just wanting them to take responsibility for themselves. Like PPs my mum does this for my sibling because she cant manage money apparently its so frustrating she is just indulged ,

yy invite them both to have food at your home whenever needed, no restrictions on that. Just no more money.

At least you will know that they (he) isn't going hungry - and if she does then it's because she prefers that to having a free meal at your home.

MrsJavy about 2.5 years now I think . Been a nightmare the majority of that time.

Anyone else thinking the phone was sold, rather than mysteriously 'breaking', shortly after OP kindly took the contract out for him?

I just wouldn't put up with this. She can't treat you with civility yet wants 80 quid from you.

I echo pp's about having him/both round for meals. No reason to stop that. Just stop the Mum cashpoint.

Are her parents helping or just you? You are right her refusal to even sign on for JSA is impacting your son it must be really hard for you but they need a kick up the backside and him not having a phone isnt right if he was a she i think we would all be calling controling relationship first which i think it is

Maybe thought it had been sold crossed my mind too

Her mum bails them out with food etc her bailing doesn't help either.

I agree MrsJayy. I said earlier to me it sounds like she is manipulating him. Do you think that could be the case bees?

Yes Send

Lots of red flags about this relationship. I f it were the other way around with genders I feel a lot of posters would be saying this sounds like a very abusive, mainpulative and controlling relationship (her to him)

I have told him I think she is being manipulative . But will tell him again if I get the chance.

No no no stop this right now. They are freeloading sponges who view you as a walking ATM and not interested in a relationship with you. Don't give them the money.

The phone thing is very odd indeed and I was also wondering if it had been sold.

Op I mean this kindly but is it possible that one or both of them has got a habit?

"her refusal to even sign on for JSA is impacting your son"

When you live together as a couple your entitlement to benefits are assessed as a couple. It's very l likely that she won't be entitled to JSA.

She's living as part of a couple, so her partner is expected to support her.

She might be entitled to claim ESA but if she won't jump through the necessary hoops by seeking help for her mental difficulties neither of them are going to get anywhere.

Give them this latest sum of money because you undertook to give it. Make it clear that this is the very last bail-out and in the future they will have to make their own arrangements. You are not a bank and they are supposed to be adults who take care of themselves. Sooner or later your son will probably see the light, but if you keep bailing them out, he never will.

I would stop with the money and I'd stop with the advice. Definitely don't criticise her to him even if she is awful.

Smile, tell him he is welcome around for a meal or to do his laundry and that she is too but she has to be polite. You need to step back as much as you can both practically and emotionally.

I'd do the whole bright and breezy and, if pushed, the blandest of interaction.

I'd make it clear today when you see them that you are sorry but you can't help anymore as you are skint. Even if it's obviously not true. You have to be so careful to make sure you aren't accidentally using money as a reward or bribe for him towing the line. Otherwise it ends up as you being 'controlling' even if that's not your intention.

Good luck, it's a horrible situation. I'd be gutted.

Can you not sign on independantly anymore? Sorry i seem to be really out of touch He is on NMW surely as a couple they would be entitled to something

Pay the vet directly and tell them that the bank charges are their own problem.