To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

She has several 4 I think. More chance for stuff to go wrong with that number. Although I would agree with you that pets are good for MH.

Rollonthe summer no they haven't come round I suspect she is refusing to which is up to her.
No more contact from Mum either which is a relief.
I feel very sorry for my son but I think he needs to assess things for himself.

I am glad to hear that things have settled down for you.

Not sure if anyone remembers this thread that I posted sometime ago, but I thought I would update all you lovely people who were so supportive before. The last few months have been pretty awful for me with no contact with my son.
My son split with the GF on Friday just gone, having I think finally seen the light for what the relationship was , a controlling , smothering abusive one TBH .
I had not visited where they lived for so long. The room was a hovel , unspeakably disgusting( because of the rat keeping mainly ) and it was clear that 90% of the stuff and mess was because of her. My son was not allowed to touch her mess but she didn't clean or tidy it.
There was no contact with us because she made so much fuss if he did it just wasn't worth it.....
I have spent the weekend clearing and cleaning with him . The bedroom is now lovely ish although landlord is going to redecorate and re carpet which is lovely. Her parting "gift" was writing on the wall ....
tenancy now in my sons name only and yes first thing I did was get the locks changed with LL permission.
It's been an exhausting weekend but you cannot imagine how happy I am .

I remember seeing this thread before and really feeling for you - am so delighted things have worked out well :)

So glad things are working out.

Carry on supporting and loving your DS, it will help remind him what he's been missing.

Try and not be judgy and 'I told you so' rather take the attitude that you are so proud of him for trying and standing by the person he loved, that you think a he is a wonderful man who will be appreciated by the right person when he finds them.

You must be so relieved

I remember this too, thank you for coming back to update. Glad it was a happy ending for you

Thank you both for your kind words. So wise too and good advice for me for this new phase. I have said stuff to my daughter and husband about how relieved I am but what you have said just speaksense is so true . Thanks. X

Glad there's been light at the end of the tunnel. Hope he keeps his resolve.

I remember this.

Thank goodness he has finally realised!

I remembered this situation too. I am glad they have finally split up and you get to see your son again.

I do remember this thread. Glad to hear it's worked out OK in the end.

I'm really pleased this has had a happy ending op.

It's nice to have nice news on mumsnet once in a while.....
I have posted because I also think it might be helpful for anyone else in a similar situation.
I realised I was enabling the situation (with your help ) but also that he needed to make decisions himself and that was important however much pain there was for me.
Also that men can be in a controlling abusive relationships too not just women.

I remember this. It was very worrying. Glad that the outcome is positive. Hopefully onwards and upwards from here.

That's good news let's hope she's gone for good

It's very generous of you 2Bees to go to the trouble to update MN. Lovely to hear such a positive resolution to your worries. Must have been difficult for DS but hopefully will be a bit more wary before he gets into next relationship.
Good luck

Good news. Thanks for the update. Enjoy spending time with your DS

So glad he's got there in the end, with your help & support !

With mumsnet support - couldn't have done it without you! even things like thinking about getting the locks changed.

Great update. Onwards and upwards now for you and for DS also.

Great update. All the best to your son.

I just want to point out, as a former rat owner, that having them does not mean that smell/filth go hand in hand. If cleaned regularly they do not smell.

Oh that's great :) glad your son has escaped such a horrible relationship.

I remember this too. Happy to hear it is good news. I wish your son a lot of good stuff his way now.

I am sure that is the case Rattuan . These weren't , about once a month apparently. If I had known I would have told RSPCA . The room smelt of rat pee with fecal matter everywhere!