To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

Just stop.
Stop helping them to live this way.
Stop giving them money to live this way.

I have a BIL like your DS's girlfriend - except he's a workshy sponging layabout with a drink problem and a worse attitude problem. MIL has been giving him money forever - and he's now 41, has no job and she's just about to buy a house for him to live in (apparently it's an "investment" but since he's not likely to die before her, no one is going to benefit apart from him). Don't get me wrong, there's no envy - she's done loads for DH and our family too - but she's actively spending all her savings on this layabout fucker and leaving herself with only her basic pension to live on.

I am beyond disgusted with him, and think she's ridiculous - he absolutely COULD work, he just chooses not to. He even had a house - but when he couldn't make the mortgage payments, she used to cover them. Then it got too far in arrears so he sold it and it took him a year to spend the $130k profit that was left.

I can't bear this situation, and I strongly counsel anyone else to avoid it or you'll have this fucking great millstone around your neck forever. MIL is looking ill again from the stress (she gets better when he fucks off, but the shitbag always comes back).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling your DS any of these names, and if his GF has genuine MH issues then I'm not calling her any of them either - but it does them NO GOOD AT ALL to help them perpetuate this ridiculous situation they're in.

He sounds controlled.

He has no phone and his money is taken and spent by his girlfriend. That sounds like it might be an abusive relationship? Either way it doesn't sound happy and he doesn't have to stay in a relationship that is making him unhappy but it's hard because if you focus on her failings as you see them it is likely to make him want to defend her. And that makes it harder for him to leave.

I think instead of bailing them out yet again you give him the means to get out if he wants to go. Firstly I'd make sure he has a phone. Something cheap he can't sell with a pay as you go sim and £10 credit.

If you have the room can you offer him the option to come home if he wants to? Is he welcome to come round for dinner/Sunday lunch at yours?

I think if you show him a better life and give him the means to go he is more likely to do it. It is only so long you can try to help someone who won't help themself - that applies to you and him, and him and her.

I wouldn't even enter into a conversation about it. It's called tough love.

Neither of them will learn anything by you baling them out all the time. If you want to eat, you have to work. It's not too difficult....

I'm very sympathetic to people with mh problems - but not so much to people who refuse to help themselves. I think you need to be cruel to be kind and cut off any support.

I think it sounds as if your Ds is in an abusive relationship too. What 21yo doesn't have a phone?!

I'd ask him round to see you by himself. Tell him your fears and see if he will chat to you. It can be just as hard for men to leave abusive relationships as it is for women.

Her Mum has their measure....helps out with food not cash.

They have no money for food, give them a bag of basics .
No electric charge up their key/card
Vet is their worry
Sky gets cut off .....tough

Any help you give them they need to come and collect. The bank of Mum is closed and definitely doesn't deliver.

If they don't like it.....tough.

My ex is in his 40's and still being bailed out financially by his parents. You need to stop this now or you will still be getting demands when you are drawing a pension.

As a result of his parents literally bailing him out in every way possible, he is completely unable to cope with anything. He can't manage his money (because it doesn't matter if he doesn't have enough because you know, his parents will just give him more), he can't manage his life (because you know, his parents will fix everything he fucks up) and he can't manage to deal with anything untoward that comes along and invariably his parents still deal with things for him. He can't manage relationships or friendships because he expects others to fix things and bail him out and quite frankly he's got completely unrealistic expectations of what he is 'entitled' to in life.

There's a very good reason he's an ex.

I'm also in my 40's and have never asked my parents for anything from the age of 16 when I started work and started paying my own way. Your son needs to learn to live within his budget and if his gf isn't working then she pretty much has all day every day to hunt for cut price food and bargains to enable them to live on one wage. She could learn some basic food recipes and cook from scratch (if she doesn't already) and they can both learn that life is not free, life is not easy and if you don't earn enough to pay for some things then you either find a way to earn more or you do without.

The bank of mum and dad is now closed.

I'm very sympathetic to people with mh problems - but not so much to people who refuse to help themselves. I think you need to be cruel to be kind and cut off any support.

There are some mental health issues where a refusal to accept that there's anything wrong (normally assigning 'blame' to other people and seeing their own behaviour as justified) is part and parcel of the condition. However, if the GF is acknowledging that she has a problem and saying that's why she can't work, then she's definitely deliberately being unreasonable - it means that she's either refusing to get help for a genuine illness, or is trying it on for sympathy.

It may be that if the OP cuts off financial support that it could lead to a few possible good outcomes. One could be that the young couple are finally forced to grow up a bit and take responsibility for themselves - can't afford vet bills? Then they need to rehome the pets - harsh, but that's how it is. Struggling with basic finances? Then they need to take a good look at their income and outgoings, and to figure out how to increase the first or decrease the latter.

The other could be that the GF realises that her BF is no longer an easy meal ticket with his mother's support, and ends the relationship.

Even if she was massively grateful and polite about taking the OP's money, it still wouldn't be a healthy relationship.

I suspect she won't get help as she doesn't have mh issues. My cockwomble dickhead arse of a FIL pulled the mh issues card a few years back. Got medically retired and suddenly went from being unable to leave his fucking house or cope with basic day to day life to being out living the life of Riley on his windfall of cash.

Your son is a fool but sadly he has to learn that in his own time.

At the time she threw out all the food they had she had anorexia and had got very thin. She was being totally unreasonable , not getting any help refusing to get help , saying she could do it her way etc etc , so I phoned her doctor. That was the start of the big row. My son had come over in desperation. I had begged him to leave her then that she was being manipulative that it was a one sided relationship.m That I would help him get a place of his own. Posts here have made me think again about the phone. It's been a bloody nuisance him not having one not least because she controls communication. I may have to ask him if it was sold and if so why and by whom?

My ex was like this, so was his dad.
Sit down with your son, tell him you love him, the door for him is always open.
Her mental health is not his responsibility, he cannot fix her. She will not be better without wanting it.
Looking back I now realise it was all manipulation and he wasn't ill. I stayed a lot longer than I should in the hope he'd get better so I could go.
He never did.
All you can do is be there for your son, he will walk when he's ready but he needs to know he has options.

She'll probably ditch him if he can't afford to keep her in the manner to which she's like to become accustomed....

Text back from my son. Apologising for GF behaviour saying they would both be around soon to collect money. I have texted back saying we are going out and that he needs to have a good think about this situation.

Your son is a doormat but it does sound like she is controlling him. Only allowing communication through her sounds like she is deeply insecure.

We have a family member who uses her eating disorder to control others. It is an illness and she needs support but it shouldn't be a stick to beat others with.

Back away. I agree it's time for tough love. This relationship won't last and the longer you enable the longer it will limp on. Your son has a tough life lesson to learn, you cannot learn it for him.

Making them come to you is a first positive step.

I have just two things to add to this thread. Healthy adults in first world countries do not die of hunger. So I don't see the need for you or anyone else to feed them. I say that as someone who as a young adult without responsabilities once went two days without eating before I got my act together.

But the other thing is I don't think it is your place to comment on the GF to your son. First of all, as a mother, it is totally logical that you would believe that your son is being abused by the GF but you don't really know what happens in their relationship and secondly you will just turn your boy against you as his GF is his important family now. If he comes to you complaining about her you can listen and try really hard to be objective in any comments you make.

I wouldn't give them a penny. The pressure of the situation they've created without extra money may even push them to break up sooner.

I do not buy it for one moment that he hasn't got a phone, no way. Not only because he will want one, but because she will need to be able to contact him on it while he is at work. I think this is just a line to stop you contacting him direct, and it seems very controlling of her, and very worrying that his contact with you might be monitored in that way.

Think you have done the right thing in telling them to come round for the money, if they really need it then they will.

Another poster who watched her mother bail a brother out financially (and act as an emotional punchbag), for his entire adult life. This adult life ended aged 49 after an extra-big heroin binge, which was almost certainly funded by the extra-big New Year bung she gave him just before. In the aftermath she was visibly shocked and disbelieving that there was no money in his account.

The saddest thing is that there was little happiness in those 49 years. In his last years, I think giving him money was harmless as his mental health was so damaged by massive drug use, so maybe it did at least occasionally alleviate the squalor he lived in, but I fear that her enabling him during his twenties was very damaging, there was never a strong enough incentive to stick at anything, - job or course, mummy could always be relied upon to rescue him so he could move on to the next project that he would really like/ be good at. Of course he actually resented "being tied to her apron strings" and blamed most of his problems on her smothering him!

Is that you, Cousin?

OP, you sound exactly like my cousin. But it's her son who won't get a job (sporadically works for his dad and cousin pays him to do odd jobs for her) and the gf who works very part time. After a few years of her bailing them out (and she can ill afford to, goes without herself to give them money) she has finally stopped. I kept telling her they won't starve and maybe if things get a little uncomfortable he'll finally get a real job. I said if they complain they don't have food, tell them to come over and you'll feed them, but that's it. No more paying for phone, petrol, insurance, etc. She was eating beans so they could eat beef! It was ridiculous!

OP I'm glad you've decided to stop. It's the right thing to do!

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this it must be really hard!

I think you have had some really good advice and would just echo what everyone else has said, it's really important to stop giving them money.
The GF sounds really unreasonable and I'm not sure MH issues are an excuse.
All the time you allow her to behave as she is she will continue to do so and probably get worse.

I had to ask my darling Dad for a loan to buy a new car. I hated asking him and it took me months to bring myself to do it. I was so embarrassed that at my age - 46, I was so desperate with nowhere else to turn.
I promised to pay him back, a few days ago he said no need.

That is the only time I have ever asked for anything from my parents all my adult life.

I know a couple who are constantly bailing out their son and DIL. They are scared that if they say no, they won't see the GCs.They have been enabling the pair of them for years. Bank of Mum and Dad.

When/if they come for their latest handout be prepared to set some new boundaries. Personally I'd tell them it was the last regular handout as its impacting your own financial situation.

If they need another handout in the future they both come and ask you personally face to face and are polite. Asking by text is way too easy and impersonal.

Handouts are only for specific emergencies, not to support their way of living and you will decide which it is depending on their reasons for asking. If you don't see significant changes so they live within their means and manage their money/lifestyle differently, that means gf seeing a doctor, getting the appropriate benefits or actively looking for a job there will be no more handouts even for emergencies.

Handouts for emergencies will become loans, as grown ups need to budget for emergencies, if they are not paid back there will be no more.

If they are hungry, you will help as they can both come to yours for a meal, but you will not be handing over your hard earned money for non specific reasons or rats luxuries.

Oh poor you op. I think it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Agree that you shouldn't keep giving money to find her lifestyle, but given how bad his situation sounds, I think you should be careful not to make your son feel he can't come to you in a crisis. I think it wouldn't hurt to let him know that you'll support him if he wants to leave this woman-- that he can stay with you while he gets his life together. I don't know how you'd communicate that sensitively but I think it's important he feels he has an escape route from this relationship if he wants it. Also, yes, unfortunately op I would be looking out for signs of drug abuse/ addiction. The secretiveness, passivity on your ds's part, aggression on the gf's part, and the sudden urgent need for substantial sums of money don't sound great. Good luck.