To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

Can't you reply saying you want to start afresh and put the past behind you?

I'd write a cheque out in the name of the vet. Say this is the end of the help unless she gets help and/or signs on.

Just spoke to DS told him can't have on without the other ie no civility / politeness from her = no cash ,not even loan . Happy to feed him any time. AnD yep you were all right , phone was sold . Told him he was in an abusive relationship , that she was manipulating him and trying to do that with me. Told him again he can come back home, we will help him find a place. He says he has s lot to think about that is how call was left.

Of course you feel for your son! But, as always, as parents we have to think of the bigger picture. Just the same as we hate the pain of vaccinations, but know that the momentary pain prevents a much worse disease. We just have to grit our teeth and do what is right.

And yes, her 'scared of you' is nothing more than manipulation, of both of you. I assume she's 'pouring out her heart' about her 'fear' to your son as she sends these texts to you.

I agree with a PP who said, if you feel bound to pay this bill because you already said you would, that you pay it directly to the vet. I wouldn't be a bit surprised to either hear a major outcry or that the bill has suddenly disappeared.

Be strong. I know it hurts, but in the long run you will be glad you did.

X-post. You did exactly right! His decision, of course, but you don't need to fund his poor choices.

Well done Op, you've done the best thing you can for your son in making him see sense and at last he is willing to think about his own situation.

As others have said (And as Ive said to my mum over my brother so many times Ive lost count) what would he do if you were to die tomorrow?

My brother wouldn't be able to live (she pays his rent), he wouldn't eat (she takes him shopping once a week), he wouldnt be clean, warm etc as she pay his bills. How is that helping to become an independant person in the world. He is 30 this year and I'm deeply ashamed of him.

Hopefully your son will realise that you've finally said no and take you seriously, having someone always to fall back on you get into a pattern, of not believing the worse will actually happen. When that is cut off, you suddenly start to panic and think about how to get yourself out of that situation and once he starts realising that the gf is the only thing wrong with that situation, well hopefully he will come to his senses.

Adding; now give him time and space to think, but stick to your resolve. You've said your piece, don't say anything more about her or the relationship. Unless he specifically asks you for your opinion, the only response to future requests for money/help should be "No. We've already talked about this, you know how I feel, I don't want to discuss it".

She. isn't scared of you enough to not ask for you to drop money round in an envelope through their front door so that is just bollocks.

Yes, do pay the vet direct. Stand firm with it. I wouldn't be entering into any text conversations with her. I would get a £9.99 PAYG mobile to give to him so that at least he can be in contact with you if he needs to.

Many years ago when I was married I was in your son's position - my ex refused to work and on the few occasions that he had a job (before he was sacked) his wages were spent in the pub on the fruit machines before he even got home.

I had 2 jobs - full time during the day and 3 nights a week till 2 in the morning in a night club - I was exhausted but he undermined me and put me down until I believed that I wasn't worth anything else.

We were heavily in debt (really I was because everything was in my name) anything of value that we had was sold by him - my mum had to buy food for us - our electricity was cut off - nearly got evicted and I used to borrow - without any idea of how I would be able to pay it back.

Eventually my lovely mum stopped helping and it made me come to my senses. When I told her I was leaving him she took me out and bought me a pair of leather boots !

Very difficult divorce as he could see that his money pot was going to be there no longer and that he had to fend for himself. Found out later that he had died alone and was an alcoholic.

My mum said it was the hardest thing that she had to do, but it was the best thing for me.

The proudest moment in my life which I will always remember is closing my front door knowing that I had managed to pay off all my debts, that I didn't owe anybody anything and that everything in that house was mine and paid for

You have to do the same - it will be the start of his new life, might just take a bit of time coming

Sounds like the GF has BPD I'd be relectant to give them the money even though ur DS will get plenty of earache about his family and their short comings no doubt

Hope your chat with your ds makes him think on it. Especially letting him know that you will help find a place. She is an absolute waste of space and a burden. Just keep communicating and inviting him over, he needs to see that there is a way back home. Good luck.

Bees its tough but you have put down a marker now. this crap about being scared of you is just that - crap. if you buy then the GF can say that she is so scared of you that she cant come round or see you. but she isn't that scared of you that she wont take your hard earned money is she.

I think you seriously have to back off from telling your son to leave his GF. if you don't then GF will use this against you and as a way of keeping him in the relationship.

just keep repeating - no more money but the door is open if you want a meal if you can be civil to me.

please just take a few minutes to work out how much they have had from you over the years. Its painful but you have to do this to show your son how much he has milked out of you.

If I were you I would leave it where it is now. if they both come round you loan them the money but please please make it crystal clear that this is the last. if only your son comes round, feed him but no money.

I am in little doubt that he is in an abusive relationship. but only he can walk away from it. you have to stand clear, stop enabling and be ready to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart.

don't bad mouth the GF to your son again it just reinforces her prejudices against you. refuse to discuss her.

good luck OP horrible thing to have to do but you have made a start. it might get worse before it gets better but it will get better if you stay strong.

Thank you you have all been very kind and helpful . I am going to leave things now and let him get back to me if he wants. I'll keep in touch.

Good luck, bees. It's a horrid situation and I am sending you strength.

I agree that you've done the right thing but no more bad words about the GF.

If you get into any discussion about her with your DS again, just say you feel sorry for her but he is your son and you're going to do what's best for HIM.

Also agree that the frantic texts about her being "scared of you" are bollocks - yeah, she's scared all right - scared that her source of money is about to dry up!

Am really quite appalled at the rest - them selling the phone without telling you, so you could have just kept on paying the contract without knowing! How very fucking rude. I'd bring that up in any discussion as well.

If your DS is open to it, suggest that you and he have a discussion about managing his finances without your financial input - DON'T ask him for a full rundown on his/their expenditure (that's not only invasive but he's unlikely to do it) but DO try and set a budget with him, so he can see how to manage their funds, since this seems beyond him at the moment. I would do this without the GF if at all possible.

Also agree that you should tell him you are happy for him/them to come to dinner every now and then (so long as she is civil) - wouldn't offer the washing machine, though, or you'll end up doing their laundry all the time - and that your door is always open for him.

Really hope that he does take it all on board and sorts this situation out, one way or another. Stay strong!

Thank you both.🌺

Whether you give them money or not is up to you. It's obvious you don't like her and think your DS would be better off without her and it's possibly true, however I've felt incredibly uncomfortable reading the thread though in terms of the lack of understanding about MH issues.

Some mental health issues are damned complex and it's not as simple as telling someone to go and see a doctor, or even expecting that a doctor would provide an immediate cure as some illnesses, especially anorexia can take YEARS to put right. It's also not unusual for someone who is young to try and manage their conditions themselves rather than get into the MH services treadmill. They may even find that there's nothing available in their area. I'm supporting a 22yo at the moment and the nearest place that offers the treatment that she needs is 140 miles away and funnily enough she doesn't want to leave her partner and go that far away. Who would?

And here's a few other things that come along with anorexia. Anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, obsessive thought. The list goes on. All of those make it difficult for them to get out and about to function. The hoops you have to jump through to get JSA mean it'll probably make her more ill and she'd get sanctioned anyway.

As for whether she could get ESA, even if you have a full on stack of evidence, you don't always get it. There are 100s of people out there at the moment who have been denied ESA despite their Drs saying that they're too ill to work.

So fair enough, don't fund them if you don't want to; don't like her if you don't want to, but for goodness sake go and educate yourself about Mental Health.

Keemanaan thank you for the information on MH , very useful.
The thing is though as other PP have said whilst I do feel very sorry for her her MH is her responsibility and ultimately I want to do the best for my DS .
Her mum eventually threw her out , so I don't think she is easy to live with. Mum said that she is stubborn . An understatement.
For the past year she has refused to even acknowledge my presence . If we arrange to meet DS and her if she wants - always joint invite, she makes a point of coming with him and then as we arrive , storming walking off. Very unpleasant. I do think this is an abusive relationship probably caused by her MH but also her general character .

've felt incredibly uncomfortable reading the thread though in terms of the lack of understanding about MH issues

Having MH issues isn't a get out card for behaving as the girl friend is.

The OP needs to look out for her son, I can't see many parents standing by and watching their child live like this.

It's not about using MH to justify behaviour. It's about understanding how MH can influence behaviour.

Not going out, finding it difficult to organise themselves, trouble regulating emotions, impulsive behaviour. These are signs of mental illness, not a get out card.

I also acknowledge that your DS probably would be better off without her, as living with someone who has MH issues isn't easy, but if you look at some of the behaviours in context, it's not all deliberate or laziness on her part.

it's not all deliberate or laziness on her part.

It may not be deliberate or laziness on her part.

Or then again it might be. We don't know her.

Don't give them any more money.

Why should you fund the lifestyle of a girl who seems to hate your guts?

Why are you being so controlling? Not everybody wants to seek help. Stop forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do. Maybe she's ashamed? You sound very one sided.

I think you are doing the right thing OP.
She is not your responsibility and she wants you to keep bailing them out.
She needs to help herself.