To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

She's living as part of a couple, so her partner is expected to support her.
I was about to say this too, it is very unlikely she is even entitled to any JSA or ESA if your son works full-time.

Also I would advise her to start using the PDSA if she has no income, you cannot afford vet's bills when you have no income.

Really Dandelion? OP isn't being 'controlling', she is not 'forcing' and actually cannot 'force' the gf to seek treatment. She simply stating that she doesn't want to continue her relationship with this young woman unless she seeks help. Are you saying that OP should continue to give this couple money regardless of how she's being treated?

There's no rule that says we have to accept being treated badly or rudely by someone simply because they have a MH condition. And especially if that person refuses to seek treatment (which is, of course, their right). If one of my sons' gf's treated me as OP's been treated I'd probably say the same thing. And I certainly wouldn't be funding her/their lives.

I would be conserved that he has no phone and you have to go through her. I would buy him a cheap pay as you go as it would be worth the peace of mind. I would not fall out with your son but I would not give cash. I would buy groceries ect and pay bills directly as a last resort. As you have already agreed to pay the rat bill I would say instead of dropping an envelope I would tell them that it is more convenient for you to call the vet with your debit card. You will only find out if the relationship is really working for your son if he is not a source of money for the gf

OP - why don't you buy your son one of those cheap super basic PAYG mobiles from Tesco. I used to have one once and when I lost it, it was actually returned to me. Basically they are so undesirable they are of no monetary value second hand. But at least you would be able to communicate with your DS.

If this situation was the other way round and you were talking about your DD living with a man that behaved like this I think people would be screaming about emotional abuse and domestic violence.

ceecee. Thank you for sharing. bees. I think you really do need to be cruel to be kind. You've had some great advice.

Reading through the comments, one thing that really stands out is your encouragement to DS to leave. You may not like the way she treats him but it is his choice and until he approaches you with help to escape, you are probably not being very helpful to him to keep suggesting she leaves.
There is no earthly reason why she should have a relationship with you if her mh issues make her uncomfortable with you. I expect he tells her you want him to leave and that probably does scare her if she feels you want to take away her support.
Equally, there is no reason why you should be bailing her out especially as she does actually have her own parents. You've put your marker in the sand so that is a step forward.

As for being manipulative, mh can make you like that because of the anxieties you experience. Obviously communication between you and her is difficult, possibly making her worse, so perhaps your communication should be limited to your DS. You don't have to engage with manipulative behaviour but it does help to understand why it happens if somebody has mh issues. Seeing a Dr about it is particularly difficult sometimes and it is probably no easier for her than it is for your son. Sometimes helping yourself is not possible until a crisis point so try to be a little kinder with sympathy but not with money x

Louise2092 it worries me that you work in benefits and have such a low opinion of the people claiming them.

Your DP's depression might not affect his ability to work but mine does, and it's the same for thousands of others. Mh problems can be extremely life limiting. I can barely leave the house on my own and I'm in and out of hospital, for example. There's no way uncoils hold down a job at the moment although I hope to return to work when I'm stable.

Just because the one person you know with depression is functioning doesn't mean everyone should just try a bit harder. Your post is extremely offensive.

If you feel you have to contribute to your son but don't want money to be spent by GF, can you arrange for a weekly delivery of basic groceries so that you know he won't starve, but also that she won't be appropriating your money?

Not ideal, but I couldn't let my own child suffer either so I understand your reluctance to cut them off entirely.

Dear OP
If you love your son, of course you must help him. Just stop for a moment and think what would actually help. Loving someone is giving someone the thing that they legitimately need, not the thing that they want. You love your son and your son loves this girl. Have a think how all three of you could turn this around if possible.

This sounds very like co dependancy to me OP your ds needs to get from her pronto

Sorry but I think the OP has been controlling. Totally with the Op saying she doesn't loan to son. Insisting she sees the girlfriend.... No... that's totally disingenuous and freaky contolling. The OP dislikes the girlfriend and the feeling is mutual.

Louise2092 it worries me that you work in benefits and have such a low opinion of the people claiming them.
It concerns me that she says she works in benefits and is suggesting that the GF is likely to receive ESA.
If the DS is working full-time on the NMW there is very little chance that the GF would receive any ESA on income basis as DS's income would put them well over the threshold.
As GF does not appear to have worked for several years it would also appear that she is unlikely to receive ESA on contribution basis.

Unless she has made an accidental oversight, I find this sort of mistake from a "benefits professional" quite worrying.

Like some of the people here say, help your son, but not her. Don't give her any money what so ever. Make sure your son is eating and has the electro etc. Don't give her a penny. She's a Cheeky ignorant little tramp.

I didn't mean it to come across as offensive and i apologise if i did. There are a lot of people who genuinely need benefits and those are the people who should be getting them but a lot of people who have paid into the system don't get any help in their time of need. I am in no way a benefit expert or professional and i meant she may get esa if the son leaves her.

Sorry to hear about you and your partners medical issues, i realise mental health affects people differently but it seems like the gf isn't doing anything about hers which seems like the issue.

I'm just giving an opinion the same as everyone else and i don't judge everyone who claims benefits only those who try and manipulate the system and good people

Toffee I thought the suggestion another PP had was a good one . To get them both to come was because of the original response from GF - stick it through the letter box I don't want to see you.

Is it controlling to expect politeness , a bit of gratefulness and responsibility, instead of seeing this as a great manna from heaven payment in the sky? Don't forget this is someone who refuses to speak to me yet will take my money.

I don't think I am controlling but you are entitled to your opinion.

As hard as it must be if you don't stop giving them money nothing will change as you are only allowing the situation to continue. I wouldn't give and further financial help unless changes are made. Ie she gets medical help, or some kind of work or he leaves her. But let your son know you are here for him. But it's up to him

Persiancat are you mixing up ESA and JSA ? I thought ESA was specifically for people unable to work due to long term illness. I don't think it's based on other income and NI contributions but I am sure someone else will put me straight if I am wrong.

Shona I think that is the bottom line we are now reaching. Hubbie and I are quite sad about it all but are getting more realistic about the situation.

The relationship sounds more than a bit one sided!.
Very difficult for you but at least your son knows that you are ready to support him should he decide to leave her.

I would definitely insist that they come and talk to you before you let them have any more money. Seeing the 2 of them together will give you a better idea of what their relationship is like at the moment after the initial embarrassment wears off.

No reason at all why this woman shouldn't be dealing with all the household stuff including cooking meals, washing/ironing etc., as she doesn't go out to work.

With your DS on MG they are bound to have little money. Can't understand why she doesn't want to see a Doctor. Good luck.

Should read MW not MG

mental illness (or any illness) is no-one's fault. But refusing to get help while expecting endless support is not realistic.

prioritising animals over humans is also not on - pets are a luxury so don't fund that.

buy him a £10 mobile and £10 of credit, and block her. Tell him that there's no more cash, as everyone else says. If your face isn't good enough for her, nor is your money.

Op, you only seem to have your son's version of events. Are you absolutely sure he's telling you the truth? It doesn't sound right to me.

Think I am going to look in Tesco next time i am there to find a dirt cheap PAYG phone and yes with a little credit on it. Can you phone / text a mobile when it's run out of credit?

Tanith what version do you mean ? Confused.