To keep bailing out DS and rude GF

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Been a lurker for a while ,but first post. Please be nice to me!

My DS21lives with his GF in the same town as us. He works hard but has a hand to mouth existence on MW . They don't have children. She doesn't work . She was ill for some time - mentally but would not seek help and so couldn't claim any support as ESA needed medical evidence. Last year after a row , GF was not speaking to me and has not since , despite me apologising for my part. She is selfish, with things she does together eg in their home . He has told me stuff which makes me feel it's not a balanced relationship , despite him working all hours, she doesn't keep house , arranges stuff to suit her not both of them. I have discussed with my DS him moving out to his own place- said I would help him do so ,but he worries for her health if he did.
We don't have a lot of contact with DS , just when they have crises it seems, which is getting wearing , but even more so because of her as I feel her lifestyle makes crises more likely eg this time it was a vet bill for her rodents and unexpected bank charge.
So last contact was for more money yesterday . Reluctantly I agreed to give them some money after pointing out to him that I was essentially funding her lifestyle . I contacted them this am to arrange to meet to give it to them. I texted GF as DS does not have phone they share hers. "I have some money for DS how can he get it? " The answer arrived a few seconds later. " put it in an envelope and pop through the front door" ( of the shared house they live in) . No thanks , no consideration of risk of losing money and I now know she suggested that way so that she did not have to see me.
Email conversation ensued, clear she doesn't want any face to face contact with me - just my money it seems. Very depressed about her attitude and that DS is with her despite this. It seems I am blaming everything on her , I am not he is part of this , an adult , making his choices and as I said seems to come only when he needs something.
I feel for my son and don't want to think of him hungry going to work but really do not feel like supporting her any more, and can't support him through a crisis of their making without supporting her. AIBU thinking this way? Would it BU to just stop after this having agreed to give him some cash (£80) which I don't think despite the horrid email train this am would BR . Frankly I just wish to relationship would end , can't see it surviving long term.

Make this the last donation. DS can come any time for a meal with you, for a shower and to wash his clothes if he does not have access to those because of their failure to pay bills. GF will either join him (and needs to be polite) or will be off the scene pretty quickly.

I also wondered if they have a habit to fund.

Why is your son working for nmw? Is he training? Is he in a job with prospects? If he is if be less worried, but if it isna deadend job then something has to change as they cannot manage on that.

I would not at all be running around to deliver money to someone who refuses to speak to me and is ungrateful. I would also explain very clearly that this is the last payment, but you will do all you can to help him get a better job (if there are no prospects in his current job).

Could you be paying for a total stranger's phone contract if he's sold it? You need to get in touch with the network provider and find out if it's active.

Thank you Mumsnet you are giving me strength
My last text sent a few minutes ago.
When you both come around I expect "GF" to be civil and polite. If she is going to continue to refuse to speak to me then I am afraid I am not going to even consider giving you a loan. I am happy for you to come around "DS" for a meal anytime. You know the door is open for you any time.

Phone is no longer active . I cancelled the contract when I found out but had to pay to do so.

What did you think had happened to the phone? It seems bloody obvious that they sold it (without the sim presumably, otherwise you'd know it was being used). I can see why you are pinning the blame for their financial situation on the GF but your DS also needs to take responsibility. Unfortunately you can't make him leave unless he wants too. Hopefully cutting off this source of extra cash will help him to see what's best...

The phone contract had a block on it when the monthly usage was used up. It cost me about £17.50 per month. So not massive but adds up of course. I honestly believed him when he said it was broken . I asked him to bring it over to sort out but then cancelled when he didn't . Perhaps I have not been suspicious enough!

Good. Do you think she will be civil? You do also need to be clear that this is the last time you're going to be giving them any money.

I made it clear yesterday that this was the last time and was a loan it was the text instruction this am that was the straw that broke the canals back.

Camels not canals!

What a horrible situation op
She sounds like a massive burden in your son's life. well done for finally taking a stand against them and sending the message. Nice of her to sit at home like a lump while you and your ds fund her lifestyle. Make it known to your son that you are there for him and him only anytime. As for her hopefully he sees some sense and dumps her.

Good on you bees. Sometimes we just merrily carry on doing things and not realising that what we are doing is just not helping or indeed could be harmful. It's you taking the control back now and hopefully your DS will come to his senses

Op, y'know if he is in an abusive relationship the worst thing you can do is be angry with him for not seeing through his GF.

In your shoes I would absolutely be polite to his gf and invite them both to your home regularly. Do not criticise her to him.

Just grin and bear it.

You can't control who your kids date but you can still be a good mother and have a relationship with your son whilst also tolerating this girl.

And the money thing, no I wouldn't see my children go without food but under these circumstances id be saying 'no problem, I'll pick you up and we will head to the supermarket' where I would buy a few essentials

I would say that your son can come for a meal any time he likes, but that no money will be given. I wouldn't fund her lifestyle.

I would say that your son can come for a meal any time he likes, but that no money will be given. I wouldn't fund her lifestyle.

I think it was a huge mistake to phone her doctor. even if it was well intentioned I'm not suprised she was pissed off.

Quitelikely without generalising given most abusive relationships are against the female who is less likely to work in those circumstances the issue of feeling trapped with no where to go must come into it. He is the one working, who does have the means if he wants it to leave.

Whoaslowdown that is why I apologised many months ago, I see that now . She still refuses to speak to me

And is now by the way sending me frantic texts telling me she is scared of me. I think she is trying to be manipulative with me. I am not replying to them.

I think you are doing the right thing.
Her mother is enabling her, and you were too.

Thank you but this is hard I really feel for my DS at this moment no matter how good it is in the long run.

I would be careful what you say by text btw. As it is all going through her phone it may be that a) she uses it out of context in order to drive a wedge between you or b) she doesn't tell him so he doesn't know if you are offering support. Does he have an email she doesn't have access too? X

If she's texting saying she's scared of you she is manipulating you and your DS into handing over the cash without her having to pay you a visit, tell her she's being unreasonable there's nothing to be scared off and she needs to come round for a good chat to clear the air, and once she does that you can lend your son the money one last time and you will still be there for them both when they need advice but not for money, also is it a loan? Will they pay you back?

She sounds like a total and utter pain in the neck. Your son is wasting his life and probably getting worn down by it all. Rats when you don't have any money then taking them to the vet?? What a horrible situation to be in Op. Why dont you make it extra nice when your son comes round so he sees what he is missing out on?