To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

[PhoebeGeebee]

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

More of the relentlessness, I'm afraid. But newborn to six/nine was great. My maternity leave was the best time ever (easy baby). Clingy toddlerhood was hard. Clingy pre-school was hard. Distraught schoolgirl was hard. But they are just memories now, I've survived. I think if you accept that your life will never be just yours again and don't rail against it, you might feel less stressed. I didn't realise I'd have an audience on the loo. Or visitors in the bath. Or a shadow. But nor did I realise that the day my 8 year old didn't give me a kiss (too near the classroom) on a very rare school drop off, that I would be sad all day. You've signed up now, so take the bad with the good and enjoy. And when you're not enjoying, remember it's probably a phase and this too shall pass...I would keep on having babies, I love a newborn and then a little pudgy baby. It's the 18 months - 8 that's less attractive!

I think every journey through parenthood is different. For each individual. And also while you figure what you think should be reality, and while you discover what is actual reality!

It's the best journey ever, but with some bits you swear you'll never do again (and promptly forget that's how you felt), with bits you learn from, and do differently next time, and with a lot of bits you totally wing and get to the end and think thank god that went ok!

Mostly it's happy. Tiring, frustrating, hear ripping out, but happy.

The hardest part for me was not being in control any more. Someone else's needs come first. If you are on your knees but your baby needs you, you HAVE to stay awake. If you are hungry but your baby's bum needs changing, that gets done first. You make a cup of tea and it doesn't get drunk. You plan to go out and 2 hours later, still haven't got your shit together - and you have NO IDEA how that happened. It just does. It's all so new. All your spontaneity goes out of the window. Even sitting down and watching a film at night - you don't get all the way through. Losing control, realising just how selfish you were before, even if you'd have described yourself as totally selfless... That was the hardest bit for me.

Then there's not knowing what's wrong. When your baby cries, when they get a rash - you are clueless.

Guilt over your decisions. Especially if you can't/don't want to breastfeed. or have to go back to work. These guilts are applied externally by society AND internally by you, and the internal guilt is by far the worse.

The relentless of it. You don't get a break.

It's overwhelming.

And amazing.

I was ok with everything with my two, they slept through from about 4-6 months. Good boys, no real problems, just normal family life. I felt a bit restricted sometimes but a babysitter and night out now and then put that right. I have had untold joy from them both. Normal, happy kids.

The worst thing? One DIL who has made all our lives difficult/caused me a huge amount of hurt. The other DIL is great.

I think just each stage has it's good and bad bits. Mine are 9 and 14 now and there is no point in telling you about these ages because they are so far in your future.

For me, it was when they started to move, you cannot take your eyes off them, I mean you literally cannot keep take your eyes off them to wee, slurp some tea, get your knickers on etc!

Just concentrate on each age at at time would be my best advice. Overthinking stuff is not good as a parent, but we all do it.

You just get on with it. Millions of women before you have coped!!. Your life will never be the same again, hopefully it will even better.
There are some excellent books you can buy on parenthood.
One step at a time.

Don't underestimate sleep deprivation. It makes everything ten times harder. I used to drop mugs, hallucinate and trip over.
I found the shift difficult. Just leaving the house to nip to the shop used to take 10 minutes. With a baby it would be 3 in the afternoon and I still wouldn't have gone. Feed, change, feed, poo explosion... will she nap so I can doze? No. But that's an another hour gone and we STILL need milk, oh. Another poo. Oh. It's everywhere, full change of clothes needed. She'll need a feed in a minute I'll go after that. Oh. That's another hour gone.

I don't think people mean having a baby bit is the hardest part. It's virtually the easiest.

As a mother of a grown child, I'd say the subtleties are the most challenging. Moral dilemmas (to praise your child for being beautiful/ brilliant/talented/funny etc while not making them conceited. Not telling them not have certain people as friends ('bad influences'). Balancing study with free time. Teaching what you feel is right even if ALL the parents are doing something else.... Much, more more besides.

Don't read parenting books. Raise your children with your instincts. It's the best way!

I'd been a nanny and an Auntie so had some idea but I remember thinking early on that nothing had prepared me for the 24/7 aspect of it all.

So even if you have experience of babies and children it is still asteep learning curve.

Good question though, and I think you've come to the right place for some good answers!

Everyone is different, but for me it's other people's children and other mums! Maybe because I live in a small place where there's not many kids think single figures in the primary and nursery school. To start with when they are small you feel like you are being judged for everything... oh and the milestones! The other mums are either smug or a bit shitty when your child is the first to do something. I dislike my own child when he is playing with other kids his age. His voice goes into hyperdrive where sometimes only Dolphins can hear him, or my relatives at the other side of the country. He shows off and becomes a little shit. It's exhausting. I love him to bits and love hanging out when it's just us... Oh and play dates! I hate them. Whatever happened to going round to see if your friend can come out to play. It's like organising a military operation, then on the day and usually the evening before my DS is always asking (whining) when are his friends coming, then there is the mess. There seems to be an unwritten rule where you and the other mum ignore all the mess and chaos and when she goes to leave she will casually offer to get her kids to help tidy up. Imagine your house on the last day of the sales... The rule it seems is to not accept any help for tidying up, your house, your mess. If you are at someone's house you'll have no idea where the -crap- toys goes anyways. But here's the thing. You don't accept the help, or I don't anyway because you just want rid of them, besides the house will probably remain an eyesore until the next play date which is possibly why nobody just knocks on your door anymore to see if your kids want to play.

As others have said its just the relentlessness of it.

My kids are now 5 and 6 (see what I did there, with the stupidly small gap? Don't do that), so much more self-sufficient than they used to be, but now there the pressures of homework, reading, after-school activities, 342 parties a year that need presents buying for etc etc), school events to be juggled alongside a full-on career.

You can never just switch off. I think that's what I miss the most!

I didn't have my first until 34, and nothing could have prepared me for the complete change he would make. I naively thought I'd still have my life, but with a baby in it. Wrong. Everything changed for me.

I love them with everything I have, but if I'd known all I do now, I'm not sure I would have chosen to have children.

It's never ending. When you think something has changed for the better (she's sleeping so well now!) something else comes along a week later (she is just refusing to go to sleep! And shouting at me because she's tired!). But even through the exhaustion and really upsetting moments, my dd brings be joy. Absolute joy. At her best, I care not one bit about the stained clothes and tiredness and lack of visits to the pub. It's a massive change to our lives and I do miss things pre-children but I also prefer this.

There is one thing I do miss: a cup of tea in bed. I miss waking up and not having to get up. Not lie ins until midday but just more leisurely than the mornings now.

The hardest part is that you never stop worrying. My eldest is nearly 18 and I felt that I had so much less to worry about when he was a baby, toddler, child...

The worry and the guilt are the hardest. The rest is one crazy big adventure!

Definitely the relentlessness- it really doesn't stop!

When they are little, it's having no time off ever.

When they are big, it's that they can go into an extreme crisis (or cause one in the family by their behaviour) and there may not be anything whatsoever you can do to fix it. Hasn't happened to me, but it's my worst nightmare. You can't just return the kid and say, "No, this one doesn't suit."

No break.
It's one constant 24/7 shift

Letting go

I agree with the always on duty and relentless responsibility.

Also that you never stop worrying. And also the comparisons.. you find yourself comparing your parenting or your child to other people; you know you shouldn't but can't help it, and that just feeds the worry.

Guilt as well - mum guilt is the worst. If you're anything like me you'll always feel like you're doing something wrong

*I have teenagers, I love them more than life itself. They are my world, all my hopes and dreams are for them. If they cried for the moon I'd be on the next rocket ship.

However it's like someone attached an anvil to your leg and left you to drag it about with you forever. *

this

mine are 16 and 12 and they are on my mind CONSTANTLY

it's not just the sleeplessness when they are babies-this is it FOREVER

it never ever stops

this clip sums it up

Agree fatfoutis re lack of support

It's like the whole health/ education/ work set up/ even the newspapers presume there's happy rich free time loving grandparents fully involved offering lots of free childcare. Like Disney grandparents.

I've never met anyone who lives near perfect grandparents who fit this mould.

Virtually nobody who can afford to live in London now and be young enough to have babies still has parents living nearby. I've never met anyone who has.

My 3 DC spend 5ngt one set GP and 2ngr another set GP in summer hols and that's more than anybody I know 'gets'

I think as well parents feel guilty that there's something wrong with them not being offered masses of support/ childcare so people usually don't tell healthcare/ school/ their friends that basically nobody is behind the scenes for them.

I know 10 families in early 30s having babies in London/ Essex this year and all of their in laws are more than 2h drive away. My cousin booked '1 daytime baby care' for a wedding in November for her parents to watch baby and is really pleased to get that! And that's it from July to November with a 2m.o.

I agree lack of support as grandparents can be distant and not geographically. Emotionally knowing that you are IT for dc and their champion for guidance, teaching, moral compass and it's only you and their father - if he is interested- who is rooting for them. Other people can be interested in a casual way but it comes down to your input what you get out. You reap what you sow and the only people who can tell your how you did are your dc.
Hopefully they will say we were good enough and then the cycle begins when they have their own dc.

It's been said many times but the word 'relentless' is the truth. There are no 'weekends' or 'holidays' or 'time off'. You are on duty 24/7 for a very long time to come.

My only piece of advice would be to have a sensible age gap. I don't, and it's been triple the work. I would have a minimum of 3 years if I did it again.