To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

[PhoebeGeebee]

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

The hardest part of having DS1 was his hearing loss; he was born with hearing problems and watching him go through surgery is the single most terrifying thing I've ever experienced, especially the moment you watch them go to sleep with the anaesthetic, that walk back to the ward to wait for them is the longest of my life. It's the absolute lack of control; nothing I could do could put it right, everything was in the hands of his (amazing, life changing) surgeons and consultants. That loss of control is shattering.

The hardest part of DS2 is simply his reluctance to sleep. Until he went to school last September he didn't sleep through the night. Ever. He would climb into our bed at 2,3,4 am each morning and chatter away while I pretended to be asleep. He was batshit. Still is, but it's more tolerable now he's at school.

They bring so many gifts that it's impossible to explain the way in which your life changes. I wouldn't take away a single second of my parenting years, or do anything differently. But it's difficult to explain exactly all the changes they bring about because it's not one or two, it's as though the entire world tilts slightly on it's axis.

Yes to all of the above. Although I do think the comments made you you have been tongue in cheek! Yes it is hard but you will never feel love like it!

By far the hardest part for me has been the older years. Having a daughter in junior school and having to watch the anguish as she faced her daily dramas and then when they turn teenager and no longer want to listen to your advice or guidance and everything is just one looooonnnnnggggg battle of wills. Think Kevin and Perry got it spot on. Literally overnight they turn into smelly unkempt self-obsessed gadget slobs who if you even smile at you get the whhhhaaaaattttttttt!!!!!

The hardest part of this is standing aside and knowing that no matter how much it hurts them, you have to let them make their own mistakes.

My other 4 are under 10 and I am dreading their teen years

It's not hard. You'll spend at least the first two years in a super smug state of how easy it is and how it's everything you thought it would be because your little pfb is perfect.

And then you'll have another. And all fucking hell will break loose and you'll want to drink every day. Seriously though the first few years are easy. It'll come later.

Sleep deprivation for YEARS! Horrible. Affected all my relationships.

My body was fucked! Now healthy(ish) again.

Mental health has got worse due to sleep deprivation, anxiety about DC and having much less time for things that help, eg exercise, meditation, healthy eating.

Much, much more domestic and admin work, and of course childcare: we share this but many, many men don't do their fair share.

Career is fucked: even though I work virtually FT I am competing with people working long hours/networkinh in eves etc. Plus my performance has dropped because of fatigue and brain being full of DC and household stuff and commuting (we couldn't afford to stay in London).

Sibling rivalry!

Haven't rtft but for me the single hardest thing about being a good parent is that you have to put the wants / needs of someone else in front of your own, consistently. It's the constant deferment of my own wants / needs because my children want/ need things to be another way. The feeding / sleepless nights / etc pass in a flash (maybe not at the time) but the putting other people first, that continues for as long as they need it.

We just spent a week with my sister and her partner, who don't have kids. The above is the clearest difference btw us - they are free to 'indulge' themselves exactly as they see fit - get up when they want, do what they want, etc. No one needs them to be the better person and they are never required to put their own needs on hold for the benefit of someone else.

I'm reading this alternating between tears, laughter and nodding my head. My little boy isn't here yet but he's kicking away as we speak as if he knows what I'm reading

I can't fully know because I'm 'just' a Stepmum (emphasis on just is ironic) but everyone is right - mine is the worry - my DSS had health problems last year and I found myself regularly hovering over his bed listening to him breathing, double and triple checking he had his medications and panicking that if we went too far from home he'd get sick. DSS was oblivious to this worry of course

Yeah it's the constant low-level, background worry and constant thinking ahead.

Is it time for their nap yet? Have i packed enough nappies and snacks? This car journey is two hours, are they going to go nuts? Have I got a drink for them or do we need to stop and pick one up? There's a massive lake over the other side of the park, make sure we don't lose sight of them in case they fall in. I'm really enjoying this programme and they're playing quietly but I need to start making lunch in a minute otherwise they'll get over-hungry and have a tantrum and then they won't nap properly and then I won't be able to unpack the dishwasher and, and, and...

You can never switch off. The physical exhaustion side of things is quite short lived, but the relentless mental tiredness is draining.

I wouldn't personally call it hard (although some days obviously are but that's the same even if you don't have kids!). I find the overwhelming love I feel for my dd is the most amazing but also the most scary thing. It's the most intense feeling I've ever experienced (and the best!). It's just the way I want her to be happy and healthy so so much and the worrying about her and never ever being "off duty" as it were.

But I would not change that for the world obviously and I think that's what people mean by the best and the hardest thing. I found it annoying people saying that to me when I was pregnant but I do understand now. But I try not to go on about it to people I know who are pregnant with their first - they will soon see and it is wonderful.

All of it can be hard, but it's definitely different for everyone. My DD was very difficult as a newborn until about 9 months (not her fault obviously, she had undiagnosed CMPA!) and then things were better but she still didn't sleep. Once the sleep was better at about 14 months, everything was easier. A lot of people I know said they loved the newborn stage but once they started walking it got tough. We definitely found it was the other way around. But now she's 2.4 and some days are lovely and others are horrendous! Usually because she's tired or not feeling well.

One of the hardest things is that they can't tell you what's wrong. Sometimes it's obvious but others it's just a guessing game.

And the endless talking/touching/requesting... At the end of some days you just want to be left alone in peace!

It's not all bad though Congratulations!

I don't always find it hard. But today it is hard because my tank is empty and I have nothing left to give. At 14 weeks dd2 decided to stop sleeping so for the past 6 weeks I have been woken every hour or more through the night. She usually settles fairly easily again with either dummy cuddle or breast so it could be worse, but that doesn't alter the fact that I haven't had more than an hour consecutive sleep before having to get up again for six solid weeks. Had a stupid argument with dp this morning because he got up with her at 445 but then proceeded to talk to me and ask me questions so I ended up more awake than if I'd just got up and settled her straight back down. But obviously he is more fucking tired than me because he sometimes hears her in the night and has to get up at 6 for work. He has no fucking idea. He tells me to nap in the day when she does. Is that during the 20 minute morning nap that she'll only have in my arms, the 20 minute lunchtime nap where I have to eat or the longer afternoon nap on the school run where I'm you know, driving a car and collecting older dc that I'm meant to sleep??

So this is hard.
The relentlessness is hard
The frustration is hard
The days where they're ill and you struggle to even have a wee or a glass of water are hard. Worse when you're ill too.
Not being able to just decide to go for a shower without having to make sure the baby is settled is hard
Worrying about fucking up your kids is hard
Your children having friend issues is hard. Maybe the hardest yet.
Realising you have no milk and having st spend 8 minutes negotiating shoes onto everyone so you can go to the shop when the whole trip would only take 3 minutes if you could just grab your purse and keys and go. That can be hard.
Having to do the thinking for the whole family is hard (especially on no sleep)
Doing everything for your children for no appreciation or gratitude is hard. Even though you know that's your job and a 4 month old has no concept of gratitude ;-)

Day to day though I don't really find it hard. I'm just run down and exhausted today. And possibly shouldn't have posted when I'm feeling this way.

Oh, and some days it's just so mindnumbingly boring. Some days I come up with little jobs I need to do so I can engage my brain for ten minutes and get a break from playing dollies or trucks or stickers... And then promptly get followed around the house by a little voice saying "Mummy, I want to help you!"

It doesn't ever stop.
Today I am full of cold. Time was, I would have gone back to bed with a Lemsip and a film maybe. What 's actually happening is that DH needs to work and I'm taking the DC to their swimming lessons ( massive tantrums all round that I 'm not feeling up to a fun swim afterwards), then making lunch , then one to a different sporting activity, where I'll have to entertain the other on the sidelines. Tommorow will be a bit easier because DS is going out with his friend in the morning. I know that this cold will drag out for much longer than it needs to because I can 't get a rest. It's school holidays too, so I can't even phone in sick to work when the DC are at school/nursery.

"Having children is like crossing a bridge where you can look back on your previous life but you can never return", I read this soon after I had DC1 and it still rings true

I don't find being a parent (or stepparent) hard. Compared to other things I've done in life I find it easy. I also enjoy (and find easy) helping other people's children with stuff, in both a personal and professional capacity. I think bringing up children is like any other job: some people are naturally inclined that way and some aren't.

I may just be naturally selfish, but although I love my two more than toast I've never had much of a problem switching off when I'm not with them. Or overwhelming guilt. It doesn't help. Compartmentalisation is a damn useful skill.

Mine are at primary school age now. 2 years between them. I find it much much harder now than before when they were babies. Just simple things like waiting at the bus stop with my kids wear me down. They play fight (hard). They are loud and boisterous.
They are prone to running onto the road. Telling them to stop. The constant bickering. Constant discplining. Never able to go to the toilet in peace without a "marmeeeeeee" piecing in the air. Taking 30mins to walk to school rather than 15mins as they can't walk or won't in a straight line. The constant noise and chatter from the moment they wake up at 6am till the time they go to sleep at 9pm. It is utterly difficult to do the basic of things because it is relentless. And people don't admit how hard it is in real life.

For me it has been loosing myself a little bit. My body has changed, ive had to give up my favourite thing in the world (riding my horse) and also can't just drop things and do what I want. Even simple tasks like walking the dog takes planning. I even miss work a tiny bit

The rest of it was fine though and not as bad as I thought it would be. I was terrified after hearing stories but I acuallg really love being a mother so far

To ask what makes being a parent so hard? Children.

For me....

Knowing that they will have hard stuff to deal with in their lives, however much I love and protect them.

Having to do stuff that is necessary but they hate.

For me it has been loosing myself a little bit.

I've lost myself completely. I'm not convinced I like the person I am now.

Its definitely mostly the emotional side. You're never off duty
You never stop worrying about them (are they happy, are they progressing right, are you doing the right things for/with them, are they safe, etc).
Never being able to have a wee in peace (even when they are supposed to be asleep in bed - they seem to have a knack for needing you the second you nip to the toilet).
Always putting your own needs after DC's.
Not being able to just nip somewhere, on your own, on the spur of the moment. - Always need to plan or have to cart DC with you.

Then when you're ill and just want to stay in bed, you still have to get up and look after somebody else (when you dont have the mental energy, never mind physical energy to cope). Especially when the DC are ill at the same as you.

The hardest thing for me was accepting the parent I thought I'd be and who I actually am. I always wanted to be sahm but due to circumstances I ended up having to work full time. I thought it would all be lovely and sunshine and I would have endless patience as we sat and drew for hour ages and crafted. In reality I fell guilty all the time, I feel guilty for working, I fell guilty for not being patient as I should for shouting sometimes, for being exhausted. Ds still waking in the night and gets up at 5.30 and I am just so tired. I fell guilty cause he is constantly on the go and doesn't want to sit and draw he wants to run and kick a ball and some days I just don't have the energy. I fell guilty as he is a bloody saint at the cms eats whatever is given to him, no tantrums no trashing the place, just listens to her and does what he's told. He comes home refuses my cooking and goes wild. He doesn't listen, I fell guilty that she gets it so right and I struggle. And I fell guilty that some days having been at work and come home done his dinner bath etc. I look forward to his bed time so I can relax as not seen him all day. And some nights when I go in to say my final night night and give his beautiful sleeping face a kiss I cry cause I fell I fail him.

• feel

Having said all that I wouldn't change him for the world and I adore him