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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

263 replies

PhoebeGeebee · 14/07/2016 19:54

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

OP posts:
RachelLynde · 19/07/2016 19:06

(That is if you want more than one!)

purpleme12 · 19/07/2016 19:42

Re the comments above most people I know (not all) do have supportive grandparents who help a lot with childcare and also emotionally and they're close to them in distance and emotionally. I don't have that and have had problems with OH so have felt very alone in it

Hostinthemaking · 19/07/2016 20:41

Yes purple I know lots of people who have support and they probably wouldn't understand how life is for those who don't or won't ask for help for whatever reason.

smudgedlipstick · 19/07/2016 20:46

It's hard because everything you do will be judged and scrutinised by everyone, you will doubt most decisions you make and worry you are not making the best decisions to give your child the best in life. It's also a constant, you never get a break from being a parent and have to be "on call" 24/7. Saying that, when you child says its first word or takes its first step, the snuggles and love they give you, those feeing you makes up for all of it. And make every second of the tears (yours) worth while.

ResetTheMap · 19/07/2016 21:11

I think it gets easier the more of the things below you have:

  • kids who are naturally good natured & eager to please
  • a partner who does their fair share
  • supportive and geographically close grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.
  • friends with similar age children who you can be honest & non competitive with
  • good mental & physical health for you, your DC & DP
  • kids that sleep well
  • something outwith being a parent that allows you to feel like a person, be that a job or hobby - and regular time to do this that you don't have to fight and negotiate hard to get

I have about half of that, and am v grateful for it. But I struggle with lack of sleep and never getting time off to do something just for me. I'm tired and grouchy and worry I'm not making the most of the early years. I love my DC so much and love seeing all their firsts and sharing special moments every day (I'm a SAHP to 1 and 4 yos). But I didn't realise how much of myself (almost all) I'd lose when my life gained children.

Bved · 19/07/2016 22:08

I bet the op wishes she never asked! 😂 Honestly though, best thing I ever did, all responses before here are true. This is what makes parenthood the most amazing and full on experience ever. It is learning about life in its essence and growing up yourself. This is the moment you truly look back at your own parents and no matter how 'shit' they were you value them and thank them for everything. It's life.

BikeRunSki · 19/07/2016 22:32

I don't feel judged, I don't feel guilty but I have very little support. It's the pressure on my time. DH works away, or has late starts and early finishes several times a week; DM is 250 miles away; PIL are 170. The DC are 4 and 7, my life is one big round of getting them up and out to breakfast club; stressing to get home from work in time to pick them up before after school club shuts; I've done 99% of school concerts, swimming lessons, beaver drop offs, friends for tea, parents meetings, sports days, etc. I have very flexible flexi time and a very flexi boss, but the work needs doing sometime. Then I spend my leave driving the DC to see their GP!

nuttymango · 19/07/2016 22:49

Supporting a child with a disability who is scared, upset, anxious, depressed and frustrated.

dailymaillazyjournos · 19/07/2016 23:07

Definitely the never-ending nature of parenthood. DD is now a mother herself. I still worry about her and feel bad whenever she is upset, worried, ill etc. And now I'm a grandma, by extension I also worry about the GC. But to counter this there is an awful lot of joy and laughter along the way.

homeiswheretheginis · 19/07/2016 23:21

I don't know OP, I think there's a bit of a trend for parent woe at the moment. Different for everyone of course but I have to say I find parenting a hell of a lot easier than, say, work. I think a lot of people resent the sacrifices you have to make. Those "hey mama, it's so hard, but you're doing great" huffington post articles irritate the hell out of me. Raising children in the developed world may sometimes be tiring but let's get it in perspective- raising a child in a war zone or drought ridden country is HARD.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and ignore the doom and gloom merchants. The good outweighs the bad by miles.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 19/07/2016 23:34

You will never go a day of your life without worrying that they will never come to any harm. In that sense you can never be truly carefree again.

It's fab, though :)

blowmybarnacles · 20/07/2016 00:41

The fear - something will happen to them
The guilt - about anything you do, and other peoples expectations
The tiredness - in the early days
The expense - its unending
The juggling - it goes on, but me, not DP

The joy - is unending!

MyBreadIsEggy · 20/07/2016 07:11

Another one that is very relevant right now....
Constantly worrying about temperature Hmm that sounds really strange, but until I had kids, I was never aware of just how dangerous heat can be!!
I spent most of yesterday trying in vain to cool down my dd's oven bedroom, then most of the evening worrying that it was way too hot in there, and then it came to 1am and it had got up to 29 degrees in there, so I built a floor bed in the living room and took her down there for the rest of the night.
And then in the winter I worry about whether or not I've put enough layers on her, and will se be warm enough at night Hmm

ResetTheMap · 20/07/2016 08:47

Raising children in the developed world may sometimes be tiring but let's get it in perspective- raising a child in a war zone or drought ridden country is HARD

This is true. But I do think there are degrees of difficulty within the UK too, especially with how unequal we have become. Raising a single child when you are comfortably off, in a good relationship with a supportive DP, have the work/stay home balance you hoped for and lots of supportive friends and family around is going to be easier than raising 3 children close in age as a single parent with disabilities and no extended family around, for example.

SpaceUnicorn · 20/07/2016 08:49

The hardest bit for me is the relentlessness. The sheer fucking relentlessness Sad

Whenwillthisphaseend · 20/07/2016 08:49

I loved it , there was a brief toddler stage which was intense but till secondary it was lovely. Teenagers-Very hard , this is the bit I've struggled with !

APotterWithAHappyAtmosphere · 20/07/2016 08:49

I think TakeMeDown has it perfectly. It's how much you care that makes it so hard - and so brilliant.

ppeatfruit · 20/07/2016 10:29

IMO it's the fighting not to change your life that makes it hard. Your life is GOING to change unless you have 2 cleaners, a cook and nannies, and you put the baby in a room far away for a night time nanny to bottle feed him or her. !

It's easier to go with the flow and give up going out every weekend, etc. at least for the first year or so.

SpaceUnicorn · 20/07/2016 10:55

Having a justifiable reason for NOT going out every weekend is one of the major perks for me Smile

houseHuntinginmanchester · 20/07/2016 10:57

Sacrificing every thing.

Twinklestar2 · 20/07/2016 11:05

What TakemedowntoPotatoCity said.

Gymboree567 · 20/07/2016 11:09

I liked the baby and toddler stages
Of course sleep deprivation, tantrums etc are difficult, but the joy of their little faces out weighs all that
Now mine are teenagers, the arguments, the mess, the washing, the b.o.
The nagging, clean your room, get a job
It's relentless! Sometimes I just wish I wasn't the mum anymore, just for one day even, but I'll always be the mum now, forever
Enjoy the next 9 months child free, but you will enjoy being a parent too

DozeyTwonk · 20/07/2016 11:23

the laundry, the years and years of laundry and more laundry and then more folding and washing and laundry..........

DerelictMyBalls · 20/07/2016 11:23

For me, the boredom, drudgery and loneliness of the first year or two was the hardest bit. DS and I did not have the instant bond that many people talk about and it took a while for him to grow on me. The first 9 months or so were the worst.

From the age of two upwards has been an absolute jamboree in comparison and I don't find parenting hard at all - I enjoy most of it!

ResetTheMap · 20/07/2016 11:49

IMO it's the fighting not to change your life that makes it hard

Agree with this. If you go with the flow the actual parenting is much easier, especially with babies.

But, I have found doing this means my life is pretty much only about my DC, and that brings its own issues, mostly around my self esteem/MH (which I guess are "first world problems" compared to what others go through).

Maybe the hardest thing is finding a balance, and those who have that right find everything more straightforward?