To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

[PhoebeGeebee]

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

[PerspicaciaTick]

Not only is it relentless and guilt-inducing, but it can feel very one way. Babies are programmed to demand (loudly) and they don't care if you are close to breaking, their needs take priority and must be met whatever the cost to you. Then toddlers are very selfish, they want what they want when they want and see no reason to compromise or negotiate. Older children will take you for granted too.
Do you spend all your time trying to make their lives as good as you can and the little darlings aren't grateful and demand more.

Of course you will be working to help them grow into empathetic, considerate adults, but it is a long road.

Then they smile, place a hand on your cheek, give you a hug, dance like there is no tomorrow, laugh like a loon or tell you they love you - and it is more than you could have ever hoped for.

[Grassgreendashhabi]

The first three months are more of an adjustment than hard. Plus you notice the sleep . You do get sleep but it's broken with feeding etc.

Then you get into more of a mindset. Routines etc

Everyone said it will be harder when she is walking. I've found that it's easier .

I think it depends on your outlook.

Me personally love the fact she can now sit in shopping trolley, easily entertained and let's me know when she is hungry, tired etc

Have a positive outlook

[BlackeyedSusan]

when they are ill. not knowing how ill, what you need to do. you get used to all the usual things but the first time they ahve something and you are not sure what to do.

school.

[Zuccarelli]

For me I had an overwhelming feeling of love as soon as he was in my arms. Which has never left. I also loved the newborn stage, lazy days just cuddling him. Really enjoy that.

It gets hard when they can move! The whining, sleep deprivation, not being able to go to the toilet on your own or shower alone. It changes your relationship with your partner. It's relentless. If you're ill you don't get to be off sick, you still have someone totally dependent on you. Mine has pulled so much of my hair out it's now ruined forever.

But, you're making a person, of course it's hard. But it's so worth it.

[fusionconfusion]

See this:

"This thread is making me never want kids!

It sounds a pretty shit.

If the only thing you get in return is love."

It is pretty shit and research tends to demonstrate parents are less happy. However whether you have kids or not, love isn't everything, it's the only thing. There is almost no difficult situation in life that isn't made easier or better by loving someone and being loved by them in return, though most of us only truly get this when we have no one. That's the nature of being human,

[Porcupinetree]

The sleep deprivation in early days (sometimes whilst you (or you and baby) suffer from birth injuries).

The guilt and paranoia that you could be doing more at every step.

Sometimes they get sick, sometimes they get really sick and it's not always easy to tell the difference.

Everyone has an opinion on your child / your parenting.

Good luck OP it's honestly worth it.

[MumOnACornishFarm]

"It sounds pretty shit if the only thing you get in return is love."

The only thing? What else is there that means anything? Love is THE thing, isn't it? Children are not the only way to have lots of love in your life, but it's the only reason I nedded to have them.

[MumOnACornishFarm]

Sorry, cross post. I agree entirely fusion. Love is the only thing.

[tappitytaptap]

I have a 15 week old so not very far in! But so far, its the same as many have mentioned - the relentless nature of it all and being responsible for someone else 24/7. I also used to be a terrible worrier and had really worked on it but being a parent has brought up all the worry and anxiety about stupid little things (which the rational part of my brain knows are pointless to worry about). The lack of sleep doesn't help with that either! DS was in neonatal as a baby as he had a small stroke - hopefully no long term effects - but I don't really worry about that bizarrely! More comparing him to other kids which is utterly pointless as they all develop at totally different rates - this is my current anxiety. DH thinks I'm nuts. Am inclined to agree with him sometimes!

[reallywittyname]

What makes being a parent so hard? Hmmm...
The relentlessness of it. You know when you have a job and at some point in the day you can down tools and go home and not have to do it any more (even if you're working long horrible hours)... you don't get to do that when you're a parent. You're IT, for 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even with a supportive DH and all the rest of it, because - especially in the early days - sometimes Only Mummy Will Do. When the kids are settled and you think, Ooh goody I'll have an early night because I'm sooo tired, and you settle down and close your eyes and then WAAAH on the baby monitor and your heart sinks and you drag yourself out of bed then it's another hour and a half before you can go to sleep.
Then... the whining... the unreasonableness of toddlers...the repetition (them AND you)... the feeling like you may as well bang your head against the wall when they just ignore you... loss of identity, lack of cash... shall I go on?
Someone I know once likened having kids to throwing a hand grenade into the middle of your relationship. They weren't wrong.

[Honesttodog]

I miss the best bits of being an adult, having a drink with my husband in the early evening, being relaxed about what and when we eat, just having evenings to ourselves, appreciating each other. My kids get almost all of me and still want more!

It's hard when you believe yours are special snowflakes but really they are just people with strengths and weaknesses. I think we all secretly believe our kids are extraordinary...

But IT's also hard because you give birth to someone you so adore, and with that comes the realisation that this incredible person could be taken away from you or harmed at any time. I am terrified that something could happen to my kids. We are on holiday and all we hear is people commenting on how beautiful our kids are. I'm scared that they will be kidnapped but I have to behave rationally and smile and say thank you. I have to let them live.

[MermaidTears]

To be totally honest a few things, the sheer desperation of sleep deprivation. It can do things to you... the constant was/no break/groundhog day effect. And the sometimes feeling of you have lost any real sense of freedom and your life for yourself. But this is the worst of it. The best is amazing and more than outweighs the bad. But I must add I would have loved someone to seriously sit me down and explain this to me before my first.....I was shocked and got very depressed. With my second we planned for the worst and put things in place even before dc2 came along to ensure I had a break and some freedom.

[corythatwas]

Beautifully put by fusion and Cornish: love is THE THING.

And not only the love they give you, also seeing them show another person love: a sibling, an ailing grandparent, a friend in difficulties- and knowing that this is what they learnt from us, this is something they have taken from the home we gave them.

And that moment, particularly when things are tough, when one of them makes a comment and everybody laughs and you think to yourself "this is something that wouldn't mean anything to anybody else, this is special to us because we are a family".

As for the actual parenting, what I found was that there was no way of judging beforehand which bits I would struggle with and which bits had sounded terribly scary but actually I was fine with them.

I was terribly worried that I wouldn't be able to cope with the physical intrusion of the baby, it taking up a room which I had used as my own private space. When it came to it I found it didn't feel like that, because the baby was still almost part of me: it would be like complaining that my leg or my arm took up too much space.

Sleep deprivation also wasn't too bad: not everybody has a colicky baby that screams through the night.

Breastfeeding otoh was much harder than anticipated: I thought after all my preparation it would be a walk in the park, but there were health issues and it all became quite stressful.

Otoh I remained surprisingly calm throughout my second high-risk pregnancy, prem induction and emergency caesarean.

Mostly I didn't mind being constantly needed: I rather enjoyed the fact that there was this small dependent person that I could soothe with my very presence. I liked singing to them, I liked reading to them, I liked making them laugh. I enjoyed the nappy changes because they were such a social thing.

I found I was ok with toddler tantrums, am also fine with teen backchat, but there was a period of whining round the age of 3 which I found quite hard: I used to sing a lot to drown out the noise. Also a period of pre-pubertal gloom and doom around the age of 10/11 which rather got on my nerves: it was like walking round with your own personal rain cloud. Teenagers otoh are the salt of the earth as far as I am concerned.

[Freshprincess]

It's relentless and forever.
And just when you think you're on top of something and you know what you're doing, it all changes. i had my teeny prem baby weighed every day for a month because he wasn't putting weight on fast enough. He's now 6ft and I'm worried he'll get picked on for being so tall. My other one took an age to get into reading, now I'm worried because he'd rather stay in and read on his kindle than socialise. It never stops!
If they weren't so blinking loveable and adorable i would have taken them back years ago.

[MumOnACornishFarm]

How lovely to hear someone being positive about teens cory! I don't hear that very often.

[Ca55andraMortmain]

It's hard because babies are unbelievably selfish. They don't care how tired you are or that you haven't gone more than 5 minutes without having someone touch you in days. They don't care that you need a wee or that your nipples hurt. They only care about themselves. And when you're used to being around adults who have consideration for others, it can be very intense to suddenly be at the neck and call of a little creature who is totally dependent on you but also (it sometimes feels) hates you.

It's also hard because you can sometimes really want for adult company. I'd advise baby groups! And babysitters when possible...

[WankersHacksandThieves]

I'm positive about my teens too. I've occasionally started a thread trying to get some more positive views of teens on here but there's not many take me up on it.

I love having teenagers. It's not any less work now (more mental than physical) but you get so much back from them. You can chat about current affairs, have debates about stuff etc.

Mie make me very proud every day and other than a bit of messiness and occasional chatback, they give me no bother at all.

I do miss the family trips to the park and stuff. There is actually very little to do aimed at teens, whether that's because they wouldn't use it since they are holed up in their rooms all the time or they are holed up in their rooms because of a lack of things to do, I'm not sure. :)

[Mycatsabastard]

The only thing you get in return is love

But oh my, the love is incredible. From the moment that baby is placed in your arms and you just well up with emotion, that's it. You would do anything to protect this tiny little human you have created.

There just aren't the words to describe that fierce tiger-like protective love you have for your children. Even when they are being utter little shits you still love them so deeply it's scary.

I wouldn't change having children for the world. I haven't always found it easy but when your child has a glowing report, saying they are a pleasure to teach, when someone tells you how polite/kind/sweet natured your child is or when they overcome huge personal difficulties to achieve something then that's it. That's what makes it all worthwhile.

Still can't believe my oldest is nearly an adult. A grown up in her own right who has the world at her feet. All you can do is equip them with the skills they need to get out there and do something with their lives and hope for the best. But always with that door left open because your kids always need their parents, even as adults. I know I do. And I'm 47!

[FurryTurnip]

The lack of mental and physical space (much as I adore cuddles from my DS there are days when I just can't be touched / climbed on / leapt on/ manhandled anymore) The loss of identity - becoming "mummy" and nothing else, though this gets easier. The lack of silence. Having to constantly think about 200 things. Not doing anything you want anymore. Being needed all the time. Complete mental and physical exhaustion. The contant yelling of "mummy mummy muuuuummmmy"

It's overwhelming. I wouldn't change it and adore my DS, but the reasons above are why I only have one child!

• disclaimer. I am feeling really poorly today. My list would be much shorter on a better day.

[MumOnACornishFarm]

Wankers that's really nice to read. My DS is still tiny, and though I obviously don't want to wish time away, I'm actually looking forward to the teenage years. Maybe I'll eat these words one day! I used to work with teenagers in care, and despite some really challenging behaviour I really enjoyed the relationships I had with them. I think teens get really bad press which isn't always deserved.

Anyway, sorry OP I'll stop derailing the thread now!

[GetAHaircutCarl]

I have two (almost) seventeen year olds.

IMVHO the hardest part of parenting is the responsibility. Having the long term welfare of other humans on your job sheet is tough.

I'm not a great worrier and I'm not an over analyser. I'm an optimist and a steely pragmatist and yet I've still found the relentless responsibility hard.

[Katedotness1963]

The worst part? Other people will now see you as someone who constantly need advice. Perfect strangers will feel free to point out every "mistake" you're making.
You will never have your child dressed properly, they will be over dressed or under dressed.
Colic? That will be because your breast feeding and there's something wrong with your milk, or formula feeding and you may as well be shoving poison down their throats.
If they stand/walk early that's because you forced them, if they stand/walk later that will be because you aren't giving them the chance.
If you get a baby sitter it's because you're neglectful,, if you don't you're over protective.
You'll either wean too early or people will wonder what you're waiting for.
And it will go on and on till you're giving your teenagers too much pocket money/freedom/not enough chores/helping them too much with homework/not enough help with homework/after school jobs/no after school job...

But maybe that's just my family?

[museumum]

My ds is nearly 3 and I miss just chilling sooo much. I get an hour here and there but what I would give for a whole day sometimes - particularly if I'm under the weather or have had a big deadline at work. I almost never feel refreshed or recovered. And going on holiday is fun but again not relaxing.

But in ten years time I'll probably be pining for my boy who will be spending so much time away from me with school, friends, sports etc.

[TimidYetCurious]

If they cried for the moon I'd be on the next rocket ship.

^ This is so lovely

[MrsDoylesTeaParty]

It's so true, for me it is the hardest but most amazing thing! It's hard to imagine when described like that. My DS is 2 so not much experience but for me specifically:

-The lack of a full nights sleep, but I got used to it and it did improve after a few months, but then regressed with teething!

• Having to plan journeys and outings, making sure I have everything he needs- but that's become automatic and need much less stuff now
  
• physically tiring, when they're crawling and into everything I didn't stop moving! And they can get heavy- the period between being a little baby and toddler, he was a lump of chunk and my shoulder ached daily! Much easier now he's taller and spread out.
  
• being on call 24/7
  
• relationship/marriage is tested to the limit at times
  
• having to watch them constantly when out of the house, not in a paranoid staring way, but always being aware of what he's up to
  

But it really is awesome.
Life was easier before and great in other ways, and it never felt like kids were missing from it. But I don't know.. It feels really fulfilling now. He makes me smile all the time.
Congrats