To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

[PhoebeGeebee]

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

It's the relentlessness combined with the unpredictability. Starts around sleep. Then illness (currently waiting to see if I'm woken tonight by a vomiting child, as just had a call saying the kid they played with today has thrown up). Then schools / educational stuff. Don't know what comes next, but there will be something that eats up time / energy / headspace, which I can maybe get right if I'm prepared / in the right place / do the right thing. But I don't know what it will be, or what I will have to do.

For me, that's what's hard.

Every stage has its challenges but for me the hardest is now when my work is almost done (DS 15) and I can see the lovely person he is - followed by the realisation that I will have to let him go soon . My advice is to try and enjoy something at each stage - everything will soon pass. Congratulations OP

I think firstly the concept of sleep deprivation versus the reality are very different , like you I was warned repeatedly about it but I really don't think it's possible to truly understand the brutality of it until you experience it

I had a lovely friend who granted suffered from insomnia and she often stated she knew how I felt I had to eventually point out that when she couldn't sleep as rotten as it was she could lay there or read or watch TV whereas I was calming a baby , feeding etc some of which like the pacing and swinging could be physically tough at 3am

But I certainly concur with others the sheer relentless nature of it .....not being able to sit down sometimes or eat or sleep

And the anxiety

But with all this it's entirely worth it .....I am honest with others about the sheer hard graft it entails but at the same time a single smile or laugh can light up your week and keep you going in circumstances that would make the SAS pause for a second

Also the realisation of exactly how capable you are....in the last 4 years with two ds I am capable of physical and mental fortitude that I had no idea I was and I'm quite proud of that

For me, the hardest part about being a parent, besides the worry, the lack of sleep etc, is getting things done. I'm a single mum to a one year old and I am with my daughter pretty much constantly from 7am to 7pm, apart from when she naps (maybe 1.5 hrs per day if I'm lucky). She cries when I put her in her playpen, despite my best efforts to make it a fun place to be!. I find it very hard getting on top of housework and I get a bit down about the fact my house never feels clean or tidy, but I'm trying to accept it, as I know that as long as it isn't filthy and chaotic, it's ok. A friend of mine asked me recently if I was getting fed up of daytime TV. I can honestly say that since becoming a mum, I watch less TV than I ever have, excluding CBeebies of course!.

Being a parent is hard - physically, mentally, emotionally. But the happiness it can bring is priceless. I wouldn't change it for the world.

The hardest and least enjoyable part by far is the hell that is the school run. I found the baby stage hard but the relentless school run that lasts for a whole six to nine years (or longer) is just.........horrendous. Twice a day. Every day. Fuck my life.

This time last year, I was 8 months pregnant. I had just finished work as a teacher and was pottering about in my lovely, clean house, eating strawberries from my well tended garden. I was serene and glowing.

Today, I have an almost-11-month-old, my house is a tip, the garden still has the Christmas tree sitting where I opened the door mid January and slung it out (to be dealt with at a later date). I seem to be moving a pile of clean washing from one room to the next, never really putting it away. I am dressed like a dirty jumble sale and am still 2 stone overweight.

I agreed with PP who said it's (sleep issues aside) easiest until they're 6 months old. I used to just pop him in a sling and go about my business, while he slept in it for hours at a time. Now he's crawling, pulling up, falling down, getting toast and banana in every crevice of my life.

BUT...I'm already forgetting about the physically painful first week...the sleepless first months...the days where I sat and cried til my husband came home from work...and actually just enjoying this funny little person who is growing and learning at break-neck speed.

Just take it as it comes, try to enjoy every moment as it is remarkable how much you will forget and how quickly.

I can deal with the school run... it's soft play centres that are hell on Earth.

Bobo can I ask what you thinks makes the difference to you finding it easy vs the many on here who find it hard? I guess you must observe others parenting and think they are making a meal of x, y or z. I think many of us would like to know your secret!

I love it. But it us tiring. And it's changed my relationships with my mum and my husband, and not for the better.

I can only speak for myself but personally it's the bloody guilt. I feel constantly overwhelmed by the fact I might not be doing my absolute best, they might not be eating well enough, they might not be happy enough, I might be screwing them up. Then I feel guilty for worrying so much I forget to enjoy them.
The sleep deprivation and tantrums are shit but you find ways to deal with it and there's really, really wonderful things that go along with the bad.

This

Hardest is part is when they are hurting and you can't make it better. Whether that be emotional or physical pain, you can just offer calpol, cuddles and kisses.

I'm also feeling very sad that my eldest starts school soon. Yes she's been to a fab preschool, but now I know she will be moulded at school how the teachers/peers want her to. I've been half tempted to home school because I've enjoyed exploring her interests and watching her enthusiasm for learning about the world around her.

They are only little for a short while, enjoy it!

Mine is 2 and three quarters. Hardest- pressure of entertaining if you've got one who doesn't play by herself, I feel pressure as I doubt if i'm parenting her in the right way or not, it's harder cos there's less money anyway, as she gets older I feel like i'm not needed anymore which makes me feel what's the point but I also feel pressure when she needs me ha (don't know if it's me with the issue there as the need to feel needed), I feel like i'm not good at this cooking and i'm not this naturally in charge confident chatty person and good in groups and all the other mums are (don't know if this is my issue), and I feel like i'm not doing it good enough. I find it hard that she's not cuddly because I feel like I need that sometimes and I want that close relationship that I never had with my mum

Absolute worst is the sleep deprivation.

DS1 has severe reflux. He woke 8-10 times a night until he was 3 (by which point I had DS2 who took over).

DS1 still wakes 1-3 times a night every other night, aged nearly 5.

DS2 wakes 3 times a night (he's 2).

I work FT. I am on my knees with tiredness.

The second most irritating thing is never being able to do everything (i.e. chores/getting food/drink for the DC etc.) in the order I want to, instead I have to chop and change depending on what DC need/want.

Trying to pack a suitcase whilst also looking after DC is just awful - I can never remember what I've managed to put in. So I now list and tick everything.

However, they are both totally gorgeous and loving. I am the number one person in their lives and it's an amazing feeling. We're even debating having number 3 (we're giving the DC 6 months to sleep better then we'll decided whether to do it or not!)

For me it's the constant overwhelming guilt and the worry that I'm not good enough as a parent, which affects the rest of my life.

I found the baby stage easy, the toddler stage not so much!

I was convinced I was being judged at the school gates for not having a "proper" job. I had no help with dd so became a kind of martyr to her needs. I was overwhelmingly anxious about her happiness. Still am (she's a teenager).

I felt, and still feel, diminished as a person. DD is thriving and happy, and that's great, of course. But I'm a shell of what I was. No career, relationship in tatters; I'm unable to see a future for myself.

Self-pity, moi?.

I haven't found being a parent hard in a conventional sense and have loved every stage for different reasons. Lack of sleep was a passing phase as they all are, which is more than made up for by the smiles for example. Plus it's easier to have a nap in the day when they're still tiny to make up for night time sleep (unless you have two close in age). Toddlers can be exhausting but equally rewarding. My favourite age had been 5. They really have developed their own personalities, you can reason with them and become immensely proud of their achievements such as reading and writing. But a 5yo 'strop' is in some ways harder to handle than a 2yo one because they have such strong feelings and are all too able to voice them!

The thing I have found hard is the emotional side of raising a child. Feeling like your own heart has been ripped out and trampled on when they're inconsolable about something or they're disappointed. Wanting to scream at children who are mean to him, but knowing you have to be much more measured in your response and lead by example. The guilt about his disappointment because I can't take time off to let him go the spring fair, and he's old enough to voice his feelings to me and tell me all his friends went. The crushing emotion of never seeing the world in the same light again after having a child - terrorist attacks, Brexit or whatever, all the other world news makes you feel things so much more keenly that at times it can overload you unless you block it all out somehow. Emotional pain can feel very physical when you have a child, it can sometimes make you forget to breath for a second and you would literally die for them to prevent any harm coming to them. And you know that as they grow older your influence and ability to keep them safe lessens, because you know you have to give them freedom to find out about the world themselves and deal with it. You can't let them see your worries and anxieties, you just have to grit your teeth and smile convincingly enough to give them confidence in themselves that they can make their own way. You'll try to be here for as long as possible to help them pick themselves up when they fail or when life feels too hard but you know you can't do it forever.

My children are my proudest achievement and I love being their mum. But it can often be bittersweet watching them grow and experience life first hand.

Never getting a break, mentally as well as physically.

A poster said that babies don't come with books, of course no single child comes with his or her specific book but there are thousands of baby books a few of which I bought and used when mine were little and they were a great help. There is MN now too! You lot are soo lucky

I wrote notes about my L.Os development and they are fab to look at now as mine are all adults.

The lack of sleep, never being off duty, coming back from a tough day at work and immediately building a train track rather than having s cup of tea. Constant worry about things, everything being a constant juggle. The first year I think was the easiest in many ways, but it gives you chance to adjust to the above whilst your DC is fairly low maintenance.the best bits are the laughter, the love and the joy of seeing this tiny thing grow into the most amazing person on the world

Little lion has it absolutely spot on

My two DC are 13 and 11 and I find the 'life admin' the hardest bit now! Just remembering where they need to be, what kit they need, who's birthday it is, what needs washing & when....etc, etc! Also, worrying about how they are doing at school, if they are getting on ok with friends, all the emotional stuff that goes with the hormones kicking in!
By comparison the baby years were an absolute doddle!

LittleLion I just cried reading your post - so true!

I have found the hardest thing is having to get up and carry on when you're ill. Pre-kids, you can just spend the day in bed!

One thing that comes across in these posts how little support some (most) of us get.

DS is almost 2.

Changing nappies isn't difficult. functioning on Wrecked sleep is!

At this stage For me it's the added work load - washing cleaning ironing cooking etc
So IMO it's not hard work it's just constant & relentless.

Doesn't help that DS generally goes to bed 9/10pm & wakes 7/8am with no naps so basically I get zero time to watch tv or have a hot drink.

My only me time us the gym or commute to work - which I realise is more than wgat done parents get.

We are still trying for no 2 though so it's obviously not all bad!

The relentlessness in the newborn stage was hard, but there was a chance to learn from a mistake and do a bit better every couple of hours.

The anxiety about her reflux (which she mercifully outgrew), and about ear infections being potentially more sinister than they turned out to be, was hard. So was being verbally patted on the head by a few GPs, while I tried to sort those things out. But through these events, I've been able to learn more about what's worth getting firm with a GP, and what's worth watching and waiting.

Sleep deprivation was hard. So was learning to accept help, because I thought I was being undermined somehow. But over time, I grew to understand that my MIL did respect me, and that her intentions were genuine.

The effect it had on my relationship with my husband was hard. There were many stages of DD's infancy where literally everything was my domain, and literally nothing was his domain. Like, her constant waking up: it was me who woke with her, me who fed her, me who settled her back down, me who read the sleep training books, me who tried to memorize all the different techniques (hard to do when sleep deprived), me who tried to carry them out, me who failed. I would try to show my husband the latest book I was reading, and he'd say, "Oh, just tell me about what you've read. I'm sure you can handle it." And then he'd feel hurt that I was too exhausted to have sex.

There are some things about having children that will always be hard, and may not change the second time around, but the last one, the relationship one ... we could have made that much easier on ourselves by splitting the physical and emotional labour that an infant requires more equally. A bath a few nights a week does not an involved dad make. Even if you're breastfeeding and taking mat leave for a year, there are ways to share the sleep burden, and I wish we had during DD's first year.

(^FWIW, DH and I have talked a lot about the above, and are in a much better place. We would have saved ourselves a lot of trouble if we'd just done all that talking before DD was born.)