To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

[PhoebeGeebee]

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

It's not easy to imagine the sleep deprivation. I was an insomnia before children and thought I would breeze through it. Being so exhausted that I've crashed my car, dropped my son on his head and had a mental breakdown causing 10 weeks off work with anxiety is not a little thing.
Children are very selfish inherently and just don't give a shit if you're ill, hormonal, just had an argument with Daddy about whose turn it is to take the sodding bins out. You still have to get up at 5am and pretend to enjoy playing tea parties for the 700000th time. But then they squeeze your hand or snuggle into you with their warm loveliness and it's ok.
Also leaving the house for work and nursery with little ones is not fun. Especially at 7am. Leaving them is hard. But picking them up all happy from their amazing day is great.

Lots of highs and lows each day :)

• Tiredness
• Lack of cash
• Lack of time for yourself
• Resentment with partner because you both feel you are doing more
• Resentment because you want to be at home more with your child by you have to work
• Resentment because your career is slipping behind and you're only just coping at work because you have to leave for child care
• Resentment because you're at home but want to return to the world of work but can't afford the child care
• Worry because your child is sick / not developing well / is being bullied at school / is being a bully / is taking drugs / is moody / won’t learn to potty train
• Arguments with DP because you both want to parent differently

Relentless is the best word I have found for describing life with children. Putting their needs above yours 99% of the time (or 100% in the early months) is draining. Plus the constant worry that you're doing it all wrong! And worrying about them generally! It has amazing moments too though, don't panic! But it changes your lifestyle and priorities in ways you can't imagine.

It's relentless. Want to shower in peace? Ha! Need to grab something from the shops? It will take 4x as long.
I am always mummy. Holidays are bloody draining.
Parenthood changes all the time. Get the hang of bf or ff. Weaning time! Settled at nursery? Off to school! Happy tween then hormonal teen.
But I love my kids. My life is better with them.

The sleeplessness etc is tough, but for me the hardest thing is that as soon as you become a parent you effectively hand responsibility for your happiness to someone else- as my mum once told me "you are only ever as happy as your least happy child".

For me, the hardest part is never being "off duty" ever again!
Even on the two occasions I've left Dd overnight with my mum, my brain never fully switched off from "mum mode".
Pre-kids and while I was pregnant the first time, I always thought I would remain the same as I always was, just with a small person in tow....that couldn't be further from the truth! I am a completely different person than I was a year ago! I'm only 21, but have been married to DH for two years, our Dd was born 10 months after our wedding, and I'm now 6 months pregnant with baby number 2, so I don't think I've really had time to fully process how much my life has changed in such a short space of time, which again, is a hard part of being a parent for me!

It's different for everyone but for me it's the following:

• Never being able to clock off. It's not like a job where you get a lunch break and only do so many hours a day. Or get the day off if you're ill.

• Lack of sleep

Worrying. All. The. Time.

Congratulations op-I adore my DD. She's the best thing I ever did.

I have teenagers, I love them more than life itself. They are my world, all my hopes and dreams are for them. If they cried for the moon I'd be on the next rocket ship.

However it's like someone attached an anvil to your leg and left you to drag it about with you forever.

Wouldn't have swapped it for all the tea in China.

It's easy to imagine sleep deprivation

I don't think it is. My husband never properly got it.

Dd had real real problems from about 6 - 18 months.

She would sleep for 30 mins, scream for an hour. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

My husband did one night of it in that time. (Literally one night - I left him with her at midnight, came back at 7am to take over. He then slept until lunchtime and spent 3 days announcing he was so exhausted. I did the other 364 nights. And generally at 7am I had to get up and crack on with the day. Our marriage hung on solely because telling him to leave would have involved using energy I did not have.)

I hurt. All over. My head, my joints, everywhere. The protective coating that you have in your mouth disappeared so my mouth was full of ulcers. I could only think one step ahead so to get a spoon (3 steps - stand up, open drawer, get spoon) would take me several attempts. I walked across a main road with the pram without looking. I seriously considered doing it again (without the pram) when a car was coming just to get some rest. Ditto swinging upside down on the banisters in the hope they would collapse.

In the middle of all this I went back to my highly paid, highly technical job.

There is over 3 years between my two as it wasn't until Dd was 2and a half that she started sleeping for any amount of time.

She is now 6 and sleeps pretty well! Ds is 3 and has just started sleeping through. For the first time in 6 years sleep is not my biggest obsession.

Wouldn't change them though. Dh was much better with ds (mainly because he desperately wanted a second and promised all sorts when I refused!) so we are still together.

Are you sure you want to know all of this?!

It's mainly brilliant - but you have to change the way you think about and do things!

The lack of time in which you can get stuff done. I used to be able to get up and work at 5am if I needed to. Not often, but when needed. Now I can't guarantee that DD won't wake up, so I can't rely on having that time, so I have to stay up later and do it. Once she's awake, she needs to be supervised. On an average working day, I'm home at 4. Pre-DD, I could either do some more work or do housework, gardening, shopping, read a book, whatever needed doing. Now I collect a tired, grumpy toddler on my way home, and tea/bath/bed and a bit of playing takes up all the time until ️️bedtime. On a good day I can empty the dishwasher while she eats her tea. More often than not, she insists on sitting on my lap or she won't eat. After ️bedtime, I work/do the essentials/collapse in a heap and stare vacantly at Mumsnet, eating something I've dredged from the freezer and forgotten to put a label on.

It will pass, things will be different in a few years, but right now, I have 4 hours a day less than I used to have, Monday to Friday. 20 hours a week. And don't get me started on the weekends...

Hit post too soon

Lack of money, constant worry that you're doing something wrong and will forever mess up your child's life, no freedom (I haven't had a night out since before I got pregnant so over 2 years now), the nightmare that is soft play , the fact that even when someone babysits for a few hours you spend your whole time wondering if they're ok and checking your phone...

I could list a hundred more, but you know what, when I go in that boys room in the morning to wake him and he gives me the biggest smile and cuddle I've ever had, all the bad stuff just melts away. He's my world.

As everyone else has said, it's the relentlessness, and the fact that you no longer have a choice to be a parent. You are, 100% of the time, whether you feel like it that day or not.

But the love you feel and get back in return is incredible. The way they always fit perfectly in your arms for a snuggle, when their eyes light up when you enter a room etc.

You'll have days when you'll wonder why the hell you did it. And days when you'll want 100 more.

The days are long but the years are short sums it up for me! And my DS is only 2.3. Very much testing me at the moment, and seemingly running his own campaign to remain an only child. ;)

This is why I don't have kids

Kids are just quite irritating a lot of the time- e.g

• ask the same question over and over and over again
• interrupt a lot
• ask "why" enough to drive you insane
• fight and get upset about stuff that doesn't matter, like their sister got a bigger crisp in their packet than they did- explaining about pack weight will get you nowhere
• try to kill themselves in creative and Darwin-award ways on an hourly basis and you have to stop them.
• wanting to play games which are really boring for you, but you feel you have to or they'll grow up emotionally stunted and go to jail.

Nobody ever told me how long feeding a baby can take. Or how often they feed.
Or that you never know how long they will nap.
Or how it feels to go for a long time without decent sleep, a decent, non-rushed meal or a shower (not to mention going for a leisurely poo ...), while your body is still recovering from pregnancy & birth.
Or how it feels that you essentially have to do it all yourself; be on top of it all, no matter how competent and equal your partner is as a parent.
After 4 -5 months my 'happy hormones' and energy margins ran out and it all seemed pretty bleak for a while.

It's the constant thinking. Literally everything you'll do will be with your child in mind - from bedtimes to school to food shopping to spending time on your own.

I get to weekend when my DS goes to his dads and generally refuse to make any decisions until he turns up again.

It's like wearing your heart on the outside of your body.
You feel constantly vulnerable and like the word has suddenly become really dangerous. You are also terrified of dying.
There are lots of positives of course but that's the worst thing for me.

For me, it's not really the practical stuff. I have been a mum since I was 17, and you get better at that with time. I've got 5, and it's fine, honestly! Mostly.

My eldest is almost 16 and the reality that he will soon be a grown up, and I have to make sure he is prepared to survive it without me. The responsibility of that is quite overwhelming. The thought of failing is terrifying. Hoping I've done enough to make sure he is good and kind and resilient. Knowing that if he ever does anything wrong or bad or stupid, that all eyes will be on me, wondering where I went wrong.

The hardest bit for me, is knowing that they need me so much, and at the same time knowing, that one day they won't need me at all.

Im lucky as dd3 whos 6months sleeps through, i am waiting for sleep regression though.

For me its the constant worry that im doing it right. And the guilt. Missed school assembly or sports day due to work

Still here, OP???

Being 6 months pregnant and your nearly two year old having a lie down screaming tantrum in asda because she wants the chocolate at bloody eye level... And everyone just glaring and shaking their heads. Yes this just happened and im still in tears because i physically cant pick her up when shes tantruming without my insides feeling like splitting. Hoping two under two will be easier than pregnant with an under two.

I definitely feel its the lack of being able to reason that is brutal right now.

I think the hardest aspect is losing
Your freedom. You can never explain to someone what losing freedom means until they become a parent and understand!

Also the life long planning, managing, trying to predict someone else's hopes abilities future life.. It fills your head

Different things at different ages. Baby stage = sleep deprivation/getting the hang of it.
Toddlers = needing eyes in the back of your head
I try to focus on each stages positives and work through the tough bits