To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

[PhoebeGeebee]

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

No matter what you do someone will always tell you that youare doing it wrong. You have to instil discipline,but feel like a monster if you are strict. You spend forever trying not to worry that your child is behind/that you are failing them in some nebulous and unspecified way. And just as you have goy the hang of something,they grow out of that stage and you're left grappling with the next.

Worth it though.

Op I had my first about 5 months ago and literally remember wondering the exact same thing! I'm obviously still nee to the game, the initial sleep deprivation is dreadful, I though I was accustomed to sleep deprivation as an insomniac but this was something else entirely, it's been dragged kicking and screaming from creep sleep every few hours, pulling yourself out of bed and trying to feed your child but not fall back to sleep in the process (woke up with bottle in DSs nose/ear several times). You also just never stop worrying a out them, and you never have the energy to do anything else so you feel constant guilt about housework (I'm a single parent so there is nobody to pick up the slack). It's all consuming and when you are ill there is no day off, you might be half dead but baby still needs to be fed, changed and played with. Good luck, it's hard but totally worth it x

My favourite typo in my last post was creep sleep haha gotta love autocorrect! *deep sleep

One day you'll notice the design flaw: no pause button.

For me, the main things are ...

Lack of freedom. I didn't realise how much it meant to me to just up sticks, go where I chose, live life pretty spontaneously. Kids put paid to that, totally.

The relentless pressure that you could be doing it better. The self questioning, media pressure, snidey comments from others. The constant fear that you could be fucking up the most important job you'll ever do.

But it's hard to understand all this before the fact. Motherhood broke me completely, only to build me up anew. I'm a completely different person now.

And I found it dreadfully exposing. All the cracks in me, all the cracks in my relationship became so very, very obvious. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but bloody hell it comes at a high price.

You really shouldn't try to anticipate negativeness, although after reading all of the posts you may have such poor expectations that you will find it a breeze.
Early days sleep deprivation is hard but I really found huge joy as time went on and sleep became longer, the struggle made it worth it.
I agree that you don't ever switch off and this is particularly hard for single parents or anyone whose partner is actually an extra big child.
My hardest points were having to deal with others on the odd occasion my children were not treated fairly. The anger is immense but depending on how good you are at reacting it is very difficult.
I definitely wouldn't want my life without my 2 amazing lovelies. I was off up to bed last night and found my lil boy trying to get to sleep on the landing for some unknown reason. When I got into his bed with him I know I will never forget how happy he was.

I used to think, once my kids are older, it will get easier.

Oh how I can laugh at that now.

Oldest is 18 on Sunday. She still needs me as much as ever. Now it's mostly driving her to and from work, parties, cinema etc (plus dropping off mates) but also she needs the emotional support more than ever.

Youngest is 10, suspected aspergers/asd and full on, hyper child who just never switches off.

I look back and realise the baby and toddler stages were easy in comparison but the toddler stage, when they can't verbally articulate why they are lying on the floor screaming in the middle of Tesco is a very tough stage.

The crying for nothing stage from age 4 to about 8 is tedious and if you have a girl (or even a boy) the tendency to want endless tiny fucking toys that clutter up the house and break the hoover before moving onto the next craze.

They cost money. A lot of money. Not so much in the early years but once they start school and it's uniform, trips, residentials, then mobile phones, laptops, ipads and god knows what else. And they keep growing, especially their bloody feet and shoes are so expensive! And activities. Brownies, cubs, swimming, dancing, football, karate ... guaranteed they will do at LEAST one of these and they all cost money. And require trekking out on a cold wet night to take them there.

If I suggest anything it's don't go mad on baby stuff but put money away now to pay for the endless stream of stuff they need once they hit about 9 years old.

But I'd never change being a mum. I've made a card for my oldest on Moonpig and I have listed all the things I love about her, listed memories from when she was a baby and told her how proud I am of her and to go out into the world and fulfill her dreams and not have regrets. I hope I've done a good job as her mum.

The relentless lack of freedom. This, for sure. And knowing one day you'll have it again but will be too old, worn and bankrupt to be able to enjoy it as you did when you were young.

you have this little person that you have to set up for life and hope you get it right

Your first reply had it in a nutshell.
I have teenagers and would say that in the beginning it's keeping them alive (self-explanatory on the difficult scale), then it's tough because it's a physical battle: bodies into clothes, food into mouths, toys out of mouths, bodies into car seats and so on), now at the teen level it is very much so enforcing rules and guidelines that you have no idea are right or helpful but you're doing your best and everyone has an opinion!
But it is ultimately rewarding because OH MY GOD YOU'RE A GROWN UP IN SOMEONES EYES AND YOU HAVEN'T KILLED THEM YET!! (Not very reassuring but I still feel like I am winging it 15 years in and my mum says the same only 42 years in - and still very necessary to me)

What a lovely thing to do mycats, lucky daughter you have X

You have to do things all the time, but can never get into anything. So you wake up about 3 hours before you want to, and start doing things that are so urgently bitty and demanding that you do about 120 things in an hour, and you have to carry on like that for a whole 16 hour day and then on and off throughout the night.

It's not like gardening, or painting, where it might be physically hard work but you concentrate and get into the zone. It's like.... imagine bending over, with bent knees, not allowed to straighten up, wearing gloves, and being told to untie a really fiddly knot, while a really really incredibly beautiful puppy keeps jumping up and knocking your hands away when you were just about to get a loop loosened, and you are back to square one. You know that if you fail, the puppy will die. Meanwhile you have hay fever, a runny nose, a headache, and you need the loo. you are not allowed to do anything about these. This goes on every day for 18 hours. then you are allowed to sit down, but you don't know how long for - maybe 2 minutes, maybe an hour - before you have to go back to the knot again. This is until they are about 1. Then it turns into something where you are at least allowed to stand up straight some of the time

Mycats I'm going to copy you!!! My DD will adore a card like this!
OP, these are the great bits, when you hear about ideas, recommended days out, party ideas etc. and you just can't wait to make it happen xxxxx

Oh god THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION I truly don't think you'll ever understand the torture of no sleep until you have a baby that doesn't sleep. You can hear people talking about it but it's horrid- there have been times where I truly felt I would rather be dead than that tired.

I think for me, it is the relentlessness of it- I didn't understand the nature of 24/7 before my DD, you never and I mean NEVER switch off. The guilt, the overwhelming love...like pp said, your heart is walking around outside your body!

You are in for a lovely treat though- congratulations!!

This thread is making me never want kids!

It sounds a pretty shit.

If the only thing you get in return is love.

Baby stage was a breeze for me and my three.

They are 11, 12 and 16 now, and oh god it's hard. They worry you so much. Educational issues - they're the worst.

Sleep deprivation imo is nowhere near the hardest part (two nonsleeping babies later I still feel this... Ds1 is 6 and still wakes 50% of the time for some reason or other). It's the never-endingness of it. Things like having provide food every day at roughly the same times (to avoid grumpy kids) even if you are tired and would rather relax for a while (yes, I'm a bit lazy!), helping them learn how to be independent with literally everything from toileting to reading (ok, school does a lot of this but parents have to help and it's work as well as fun) to making sure they pack everything in their school bag (nag, nag, nag). Also, the fear (that I'll do it all badly and they'll not achieve their potential in life, that they'll have a terrible accident, that they'll get seriously sick). Having to make plans for their care if dh and I want to do pretty much anything not kid friendly. Wanting to be able to pick ds1 up from school and not use after school care (as he's tired and prefers coming straight home) but also wanting a good career (not really compatible with being at the school gate for me). But most of all the unrelentingness of it - I get out fairly regularly with dh or friends but my kids are never far from my mind, in a way nothing else has ever been. I never get a total break from the idea of them. Holidays need to be somewhat kid friendly. House needs to be somewhat kid friendly. It affects most areas of my life and that can be exhausting.

I love them and would never not have them. It's like going through the looking glass to a different world, that looks the same but is totally different. You can't go back, and you can see people on the other side of the glass and are amazed that you were once like them. Having kids is truly an intense, crazy, unrelenting experience in many ways, and when you think about it, it's such an extreme thing to choose to do without being able to 'try before you buy'!

It doesn't matter how old they are, you will always worry. My son is nearly 30 and I worry about one thing or another most of the time 🙄

I agree with the relentlessness of it all when they are little. It's extremely tiring.

But I worried less about them when they were mostly with me. Giving them the skills to be confident and independent is very hard when you just want to keep them safe and protect them. Secondary school is a revelation, exam pressure, peer pressure, financial outlay, emotional traumas!

An hour ago I put my 14year old on a coach to France with a smile on my face telling him to have a good time. That was much harder than anything I ever did when he was always by my side

It is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done, not a day or probably even an hour goes past without moments of absolute joy or happiness when they do something lovely or funny. All the bad stuff from hours before can be wiped in an instant!

The hardest thing I have experienced is fear..... DS2 was very ill in hospital at 5 weeks old and the sheer terror and heartbreak was indescribable. We had a tough couple of years with his health (he's 6 now and a couple of very minor issues but overall he's great luckily) and it totally broke me down and has taken a long time to come back from. It makes you realize that for the rest of your life their welfare and happiness is the utmost priority and if it suffers you suffer and feel it with every bit of your body and soul. The saying 'you're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child' is definitely true!

Becoming a mum has made me the happiest I've ever been. It's hard to explain how something that makes you so happy can also be difficult but other posters have articulated it very well.
For what it's worth even on my hardest days I've never once regretted having kids. The positives far far outweigh the negatives.

Oh god, the person who mentioned when both parents are ill at the same time is totally on point urrgghhhh!!!!
DH and I had a vile vomiting bug a few months ago, and the entire weekend revolved around alternate trips to the toilet to be sick, trying not to be sick on Dd during nappy changes/mealtimes, and just trying not to die 😫 That's one of the things you just don't think about pre-kids, and then when it happens, it hits you like a ton of bricks!

A pp has just said it sounds shit if all you get is love.
The thing is that love is more consuming than anything you can ever imagine. The love for anyone else in your life just isn't the same intensity as the love you have for your kids.
It is the best reward you could possibly have. I find that even things I didn't think I would enjoy, I really do. I love watching my dd's ballet class for example. I am stunned each week by how graceful she is becoming, how beautiful she looks with this look of concentration and enjoyment mixed on her face. Each week I take my younger dd swimming. She loves it, and I am in awe of her ability and her fearlessness - she's so young but I am so proud of her. I don't say it to anyone because it would sound daft and over the top. But the simplest thing can blow me away - not that long ago this tiny person was small enough to lie completely on my lap, not even able to lift their own head, and now look. And the love and pride you feel in those moments are all consuming.
Just like you can never really imagine the relentlessness, you can never imagine the true level of joy until it's your turn.

For me it is never having a minute to yourself; it is constant. Even when they are alseep you are thinking about them or doing things for them.
It is worth though..congratulations x

without a doubt, it was sleep deprivation for me. but the never ending cycle of nappy, naps and feeeds, was really hard for me to get into at the start, not Ive got two, I can't work out what my problem was.....it was jus the shock of constantly being "on", i think. Depend no where you're coming from as well...I was a very carefree 35 year old, off to festivals parties and other countries whenever the notion took me, so for me it was particuarly tough adjustment.

But the main thing is, i totally regret not enjoying the first few months as much as i did - please try and savour it.

The demands on my time. Mine are 4 and 7. By the time we've all got in from school/work, whatever activity club, eaten, done homework, music practice, bedtime, bath, reading... It's about 8pm. Weekends are a juggle of swimming lessons, football and parties. DH and I use virtually all our annual leave on school holidays, rarely together. Time to ourselves is rare, and tempers are frequently frayed. Doing our own thing (road cycling, mountaineering) alone/in peace is pretty much unheard of. I spend all my spare time and money going on a holiday once a year that has no appeal to me. And it costs 3 x what it could because it's August!