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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

263 replies

PhoebeGeebee · 14/07/2016 19:54

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

OP posts:
babybythesea · 14/07/2016 21:31

Actually I missed the single thing I find hardest.
You are ill. But there's no going to bed to sleep it off. You need to keep going.
My two lowest points have been a stomach bug that was so violent and left me so debilitated that I could only crawl, but I still had a toddler wanting lunch and needing to be watched. DH couldn't get home from work and I was on my own with her like that for six hours. Crawling round the floor, not daring to go too far from the loo, still trying to get her food and drinks .... It was hideous.
And a migraine so bad I was having trouble seeing, and vomiting every time I moved, but again it took DH ages to get home from work. As well as just feeling like death, you are also worried about what your child is doing, are they safe, and although sleep would be a respite from the illness you can't go to sleep in case something happens.

No time to be ill is probably the thing I find hardest.

DixieNormas · 14/07/2016 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenofthepirates · 14/07/2016 21:46

The toughest bit for me is that there's no manual for kids. There's precious little feedback and you really do most of the parenting blind. I worry that I'm damaging my kid long term by letting her stay up past 7pm or not having taught her how to swim yet. What will happen when she's an adult? Will she resent me? How much freedom do I give her? Should I be washing her hair more than once a week? Will she get nits?

I'm normally a very outgoing and confident person but I worry constantly that I'm not doing the best job I ought to be doing.

fassone · 14/07/2016 21:47

It's never all about you again. And you're responsible for another human.
The weight of responsibility hit me like a bomb when my baby was about a week old. I cried solidly for a day. It was fucking terrifying.

RubbleBubble00 · 14/07/2016 21:51

Lack of sleep

Wigeon · 14/07/2016 21:57

I know you said "it's easy to imagine sleep deprivation" but no, I really don't think you can. Even if you've had a few late nights. It's a whole nother level. It's an exhausting night...followed by exhausting night after exhausting night with no chance to recover. For months on end with no sign of respite. And no, sleeping in the day doesn't help. And nothing you do seems to make it better. You (might) want to throw your baby out of the window in the night. You (might) find it hard to string coherent sentences together because you are so tired five months in. You (might) just feel desperate.

So that's what's hardest IMO about babies.

For young children (mine are 8 and 5 now), the hardest thing is the boundless amounts of patience I need, and don't have. In all sorts of circumstances parenting them.

MumOnACornishFarm · 14/07/2016 21:59

There are times when it is blindingly obvious that you don't have a clue what you're doing, and yet you want so desperately to get things right for this tiny person who depends on you for absolutely everything. That's hard. Not that it matters how things appear to others, but facing up to your own inadequacies is tough, and humbling. But it's also really rewarding ultimately, because I think you come to know yourself so much better than before.

Nothing can prepare you for how much you're going to love this brand new person. But for some people it's not a Hollywood movie love that happens instantly; it can be a slow burner and that's ok too. That's how it was for my partner. I thought my love for my son couldn't get more intense than the first moment I saw him, because honestly it was huge and overwhelming. But it gets even greater! Someone here said you'd fight bears for your child and that's exactly it. You would fight bears for them, and you would win.

Congratulations OP. It's (probably) going to be the most amazing, frustrating, painful, rewarding, tiring, exhilirating thing you've ever done. Flowers

CattDamon · 14/07/2016 22:02

Okay, I'm a single parent (DS dad left me whilst pregnant) so I may have a bit of a different experience to you, (oh and my child never sleeps) but let me put this into perspective:

Prisoners of war are legally allowed:

Adequate food & water
A rest of no less than one uninterrupted hour break during the day
8 hours of sleep in a block, uninterrupted, in a reasonable environment.
Dignity.

Yeh you're not going to get any of that anymore.
You'll forget to eat because they've finally fallen asleep on you after hours of trying anything (singing, rocking, jogging on the spot, drive in the car, pushing the pram frantically around your living room)
It is non-stop. You have a person to look after that isn't capable of fulfilling its own needs yet. Even when they're asleep you're on duty.
As for sleep....
And dignity. That goes out of the window when your legs are up on stirrups with a midwife is counting out your stitches. Or when you have visitors & your boobs leak through a bra fortified with breast pads. Or when you don't know if it's poo or sick on your pjs but you don't even care.

poaspcos · 14/07/2016 22:02

I think it's becoming a full time risk assessor that's the hard part.

Things I never even blinked about before becoming a parent - take up huge parts of my mind.

And then you have to juggle that with the nag nag mum do this mum do that demands

Plus not drop them/poison them/terrify them or any other awful thing you could do accidentally

Earlgreywithmilk · 14/07/2016 22:02

I agree babybythesea - I have 4 dcs and a few weeks back we were away for the wkend when youngest came in our room at 2am after vomming in the bed.
Cleaned it up as best I could, cleaned her up, put the mattress outside (unsalvagable) and put her in our bed. She then continued to throw up every 15mins
Woke up at 4am and started vomming myself. It was absolute torture, I was so knackered but had to keep getting up to run her to the loo/throw up myself. After this continued for the rest of the night finally stopped throwing up enough to both drift off at about 7am...
..just in time for ds1 to come in saying "mum, I've just thrown up all over the floor!"
DH practically slept like a baby through it all, naturally!
(We had to go home that day and had to keep pulling car over while the other 3 dc's kept on throwing up who all had it by this time!!)
These are the kind of things that routinely happen when ur a parent - I can laugh about it now (just)

MumOnACornishFarm · 14/07/2016 22:10

However, your child is sleepy and all they want is you and they snuggle on to your lap, and you don't have to do anything except hold them and they have everything they want right there. They hold your face in their hands and stare right at you for ages and then push their face against yours because they can't say I love yet but that's what it means.

I think there's something in my eye. (That and my pregnancy hormones playing up like crazy and making me cry 17 times a day.)

Suzietwo · 14/07/2016 22:11

I think I struggle to think of parenting as hard, exactly. I mean there are bits which are annoying but so many people do it and have done it, it's just sort of life, isn't it?

attheendoftheday · 14/07/2016 22:13

Mainly the crushing sleep deprivation in my experience.

Earlgreywithmilk · 14/07/2016 22:13

Also, to all those neurotic, worrying, guilty mums - personally I'd worry more about a mum who wasn't worrying about her kids IYSWIM. The fact were all so worried about screwing up means we're probably doing ok!

I like this quote: ever had a job where you have no previous experience, no training , you couldn't quit and peoples lives were at stake?
That's parenting

smilingeyes11 · 14/07/2016 22:14

It is hard because you are emotionally involved. It isn't just the physical work of it, it is the emotional ties you have. The love, the guilt, the feeling not good enough, the worrying you are doing it wrong, are they ok, are you damaging them, doing too much, too little - are you a complete and utter failure.

MumOnACornishFarm · 14/07/2016 22:15

Earlgrey that's exactly what my midwife and HV told me! They get worried when they see a first time mum who isn't worried. Reality probably hasn't hit home yet.

dietcokeandwine · 14/07/2016 22:17

Hardest thing about having children for me, so far, hasn't been the new baby stage, or the sleep deprivation, or the toddler tantrum hell. Or sibling bickering or the lack of privacy or the relentless monotony of that never ending cooking-washing-cleaning routine. Or even the overwhelming responsibility of bringing up another person.

It's when they get older and something is really stressing them out or making them miserable, or other kids are being nasty to them, and you can't just make it better. That's the hardest. One of the most memorable parenting quotes for me is 'As a parent, you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.' So true. And so, so hard.

NapQueen · 14/07/2016 22:19

The relentlessness.

I get in from work and my day still hasn't ended. There's playtime bathtime bedtime. Waking through the night time.

It just never ends.

They are fucking lush though

Wigeon · 14/07/2016 22:20

Suzietwo - I know millions of people parent, but personally I have found aspects of it very hard. Much harder than my job. The two main things being: coping with crippling sleep deprivation with a baby, and disciplining my elder DD who can be pretty hard to parent at times (to me anyway). Maybe you are just a much more intuitive parent than me?

Suzietwo · 14/07/2016 22:23

Sigh

Fomalhaut · 14/07/2016 22:25

The relentlessness. I've been up since 3:30 when he woke for the day, having woken a dozen times at night.
Not being able to switch off mentally at all.
Not having more than an hour of sleep for months and months on end
The constant, heart wrenching anxiety that something bad will happen to this thing you love more than anything- that's really draining.

Primaryteach87 · 14/07/2016 22:25

Functioning on little sleep in the early days. Also the utter constantness- it's forever, ongoing. You can't take a weekend off.

I'm lucky to get breaks and a supportive husband but still bloody hard...

I have more than one though, so that tells you it's worth it Grin

Wigeon · 14/07/2016 22:27

Why "sigh", Susietwo?

thatsn0tmyname · 14/07/2016 22:30

Small children are very claustrophobic. They are in your body, then your bed. They climb all over you, badger you when you're on the loo, cry when you're getting dinner on, yabber in the back seat of the car when you're listening to the radio. It was only after having children that I realised how much I valued my own company. I love them very much but my partner and I give each other quiet time.

Jadetreesbringluck · 14/07/2016 22:36

I can only speak for myself but personally it's the bloody guilt. I feel constantly overwhelmed by the fact I might not be doing my absolute best, they might not be eating well enough, they might not be happy enough, I might be screwing them up. Then I feel guilty for worrying so much I forget to enjoy them

This.,,,,

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