To ask what makes being a parent so hard?

[PhoebeGeebee]

I'm pregnant (yay!) just had three month scan and are starting to tell people.

We've had lots of lovely comments but also a lot of 'it's the hardest but the best thing you'll ever do'. These conversations are just in passing so I don't feel I can ask them to explain what they mean.

So what is it about having a baby that makes it so hard? I understand sleep deprivation and crying and the terrible twos etc.... But I kinda want to know the specifics!

AIBU to ask??

Yep, it's the relentlessness, and in the early months, the sleeplessness.

Mine didn't sleep through until she was around 18 months. She turns two this month and I am still recovering. That degree of sleep deprivation affects your memory, your ability to concentrate, your mood. I went back to work when she was six months and it was incredibly hard to try to be together in the office. Most days I was so tired I could weep. And I was "lucky" in that my daughter never latched so I didn't bf, meaning my husband could do 50%.

To give you an idea of the relentless this is a typical work day now:
630 get up
Feed toddler, sort dishwasher/washing etc
Shower in turn with one of us watching that toddler doesn't launch herself out of highchair/choke on cheerio - we could get up a lot later if we could get ready at the same time
830 nanny arrives, leave for work
Run to station, commute, do full work day, leave leaving something unfinished because you have run out of time, commute, relieve nanny
Evening- get toddler changed for bed, change nappy, respond to demands for milk/crackers/fruit, deal with tears because you are not allowing peppa pig, catch fearless toddler multiple times as she launches herself off sofa, deal with tears as you miss one catch, read 65 books that you know off by heart, get toddler in bed through pleas for more books
Around 2030 start on our supper, load dishwasher, deal with work emails, sot brain dead in front of the telly for half an hour then go to bed to do it all again!

I travel a bit for work. In the pre child days when I got back I could sleep off the jet lag. Now I feel guilty because my husband has been doing it all singlehandedly for a few days and so get no recovery time at all.

It's both the best thing I've done and the hardest!

All so brilliantly true! The relentnessness (a word!?) of it all and the worry - practically indescribable - and it never ends. However the love you feel for them is also indescribable and amazing, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I am an exhausted, haggard shell of who I once was 13 years in, and trust me I was the one shouting loudest about how it wouldn't change me oh how we laughed.

The description above of the challenge of getting a spoon from a drawer is so so true. Until you experience it (and you may not - you might get a 'sleeper', I always envied those perky rested mums with 'sleepers'!) can understand the bone aching, brain scooped out tiredness of months of proper sleep deprivation - unfortunately (in my case anyway) least of all your partner!

Good luck and congrats - and please come back and read this in a year or two!

For me, it was the sheer exhaustion, tediousness of the routine of eat, sleep, change and the lack of freedom. I would be really fed up with it all and then my DD would smile and the negatives were (mostly) forgotten.

For me, it would be the relentlessness and the sheer donkey work of it all and the fact that simple things are over complicated - such as buying a pint of milk or getting them to put their shoes on.

Putting someone else first all the time.
No sleep.
Worry-about everything.
Trying to anticipate each child constantly, each one is different and what works in the morning won't in the evening.
And the "Why? " game. Ds1 was expert at this. I once gave up after half hour and cried.

I wouldn't change it.

Get in from work shattered, and instead of sitting down with a cup of tea you have to think about what your children are going to eat for dinner, and get it sorted. And then do bathtime and stories and do a jigsaw because your child wants time with you.
You need sleep and plan an early night but your child won't settle and you are almost asleep reading the bedtime story and then they wake twice in the night so you are up settling them after their nightmare and then they wake early so you are watching Peppa Pig at 6.30.
You spend time tidying the living room and then you go into the kitchen to cook tea and by the time you get back into the living room they've emptied the toy drawer out and made a den and it looks like a hurricane has been through. And all you wanted was sit down in front of an old sitcom and veg but now you're tidying the room for the second time that day.
Your child won't get into the car. You are already late and now they are rigid and screaming and you can't get them into the car seat.

However, your child is sleepy and all they want is you and they snuggle on to your lap, and you don't have to do anything except hold them and they have everything they want right there.
They hold your face in their hands and stare right at you for ages and then push their face against yours because they can't say I love yet but that's what it means.
They run down the corridor with their arms out after a day at nursery and fling themselves at you and throw their arms round your neck.
They make you laugh, intentionally and unintentionally. Every day.

There are days when it's an unremitting slog and others when it's pure joy. Most are somewhere in between.

Personally I think the baby stage is the easiest. When they get older and they need entertaining and you need eyes in the back of your head. It's just non stop.

Would agree with the relentlessness of it all. And the enormous responsibility. And feeling that you lost your self and would never get it back- you actually do get it back but it's not quite the same - it's like moving home (after baby years) - it's not quite the same place that you left.

But it's incredibly rewarding , interesting and fun too. And boy, the love is overwhelming f

The sleep deprivation
The boredom
The constantly being responsible for someone else every second of the day
The thanklessness
The incessant demands
The noise
The mess
The backchat
The worry
The constantly putting yourself last all the time

Personally for me the positives don't outweigh the negatives. There are nice moments but 99% of it is relentless daily grind.

I find it's the not knowing if you've done things right.

Other people's DCs seem to eat all their vegetables, pass all their exams, do all their homework, breeze through life confidently and have loads of friends.

Then one day your DC gets a disappointing grade, is upset at not being invited to a party, is too shy to do something, does their homework really half-arsed, demands chicken nuggets (yes sometimes all in one day!).

And then it starts:

I should have been more insistent about them trying new foods (despite the fact that another of your DCs eats everything)
I should have had more friends round for tea
I should have helped more with that homework. Or did they make a shithouse job of it because I have always helped too much in the past?
I should have enrolled them on y or z class that would have built their confidence (although when I enrolled them on x class they hated it and cried every week and I thought I was a terrible parent for trying to get them to keep going)

That's what I find hard - the constant second guessing and the guilt.

Honestly? This is a pointless exercise. I know because I did it too. Read every single blog entitled 'Why did nobody tell me motherhood was so hard?'. Assumed the authors had not prepared properly by reading all the other blogs about how hard it was. And I still found myself, a few weeks post-partum, crying - because I didn't know it would be this hard.

Essentially when you become a mother there's a psychological process you have to work through and you can't do it in advance. Even though that would be more efficient. Sorry. Just get as much sleep as humanly possible in the next few months and enjoy the ride.

The relentlessness - there's never an 'off' even if someone else has them, they're still in your mind and you know if they're hurt/I'll/upset you have to be there

The no time alone - they are everywhere. No peeing in peace or just making a quick brew, they are constantly there, under your feet

The headspace - you are thinking for someone else, everything they do/might need, you have to be aware of and prepared for. Are they hot/cold/tired/I'll/bored/happy? And what can you do about it

The guilt - are you doing your best? Are you sure?? Will keep you awake at night

The sleeplessness. The cost. The planning it takes to do anything. What it does to your body. What it does to your relationship. The frustration of a tantruming, non speaking beast.

And the love. The all consuming love of your child. How you'd fight bears and walk through fire to make sure they were ok. How you want to protect them from everything bad in the world.

That give you an idea?!

and when your child is 17 and going to a festival and you are worried sick and you've gone on about all the rules and don't do this and don't do that then you felt like shit cos you've sucked the joy right out of it and then you feel guilty, then you will wish she was screaming the house down and unable to do a poo or breastfeed or sleep or something

congratulations - it's mostly wonderful! but it never ends

Ha ha there was one word that sprang to mind before I flicked through the other responses... it cropped up a lot. Relentless.

Think about having someone you care about imensely being virtually pinned to you 24/7. Before kids you can say 'hang on, give me a mo I need a wee/a minutes peace/ to sit down....' That just doesn't happen any more. Every moment is amazing but you have to be there pretty much every moment. If you take a break (lucky enough to have DP or parents, PIL, friends etc to help out) you then you just swap tiredness for missing DC and a twinge of guilt for not being there.

In the early days in was BF. Being pinned to the sofa/ bed etc for hours on end. Then when moved to bottles it was the constant washing and sterilising and boiling and measuring. I also had a bit of paranoia (not uncommon it would seem - as I found out later) that DS would stop breathing. So I found sleeping really hard as was constantly worried he'd die while I was asleep. Irrational I know, but that's the weird kind of stuff that can go on in your head when you are completely responsible for your tiny little person, even if always previously been a very level headed, practical, rational type of person!

Then they start interacting and want your attention CONSTANTLY! I ended up using a sling from about 7 months as he would scream if he couldn't see what was going on and wanted to be held all the time. Going to the loo or having a shower becomes a mission.

It was at 6months to walking I think was most draining/ tiring with weaning, and still on milk and crawling and wanting to be into everything, wanting me to interact ALL THE TIME and me feeling the need to socialise with other mums to keep sane....

Then there's going back to work. My god it's hideous. Get up at cracking of dawn to try and get a grumpy baby and yourself ready to leave the house as some ungodly hour of the morning to have the emotional roller coaster of leaving DC at nursery (often screaming for you) to then make a mad dash for the train/ sit in traffic to try and make it into work by the skin of your teeth (with feeling of guilt for not being able to make it on time like you used to) to then try and prove yourself as still committed to your job despite thinking about DC constantly. Then start the mad dash home and nursery pick up, try and squeeze I some quality time with DC before everyone melts down with tiredness. Then bath for them. Start cooking dinner for you. Eat. Sleep. DC wakes up. Try and sleep. DC wakes up again - been sick, needs milk, wants to play, tell you about monsters. Try and sleep with an overactive child in your bed. Alarm goes off in what feels like middle of the night...

From when DS could walk a started to find it get a bit easier. He wasn't as demanding as could now be a bit more independent, which then gave me a bit more independence. Then he started talking.... "mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy......"

Yeah relentless.....

It's relentless.
And on days like today when I've got a throbbing sinus infection and feel rancid, you just gott a keep on keeping on.

beth fuck 'em. Judgy twats. They'll have forgotten what it's like. And yes, for me, having a baby and toddler was far easier than being pregnant and having a toddler
Good look, chin up

It's relentless. It's constant. There's no 'off' position. Even when they're with someone else, well cared for, and I'm on my own, they're still in my mind at some level. If I'm physically with them it's all consuming constant need by them (mine are both under 5 still).

But you know what, that's also one of the most amazing things. My capacity to change and expand my world view, to my sense of self and still absorb the two whirlwinds.

The keeping your 'self' is important. How long it takes to get back post birth depends on you, your support and how you parent. But when you start to miss it find a way to carve some time for you. It's essential.

It's relentless sometimes I am so knacked I can barley speak to. Oh when he gets home
But I have 3 children

Btw teenagers are arse holes I known mine is

The worst is when your both ill you still have to be nurse to them while feeling awful yourself

I remember one year cleaning up mu sons dirroreah wiles having flu it was awful I had to crawl from his bed from to the bathroom with the offending items as I just didn't have the strength to even stand

It's hard because you want the best for them you want to protect them from all harm and it's impossible to stop them from being hurt.
And it's impossible because that's part of life.

But yes you will hurt because your DC has been badly treated by friends/friends' parents, because they are struggling at school with X and y, because they are obvioulsy unhappy but you have no idea why (esp as babies when they can't communicate), etc...
And there will always be something that they will be struggling with.
Even my very bright, emotionally mature, with plenty of friends blabla DC has his own struggles.

Unfortunately, I don't think any of us can tell you what you want to know, which is how it will be for you. we can only tell you how it was for us. You can't predict what your child will be like, or how you will react to being a parent. You really will just have to wait and see. I think most people agree it is more that worth all the difficult bits though!

Wow, thank you. Not a lot I can say but I appreciate the honesty. This was the kind of stuff I was hoping for from friends/acquaintances/colleagues but I guess it's harder to compact that into one sentence!

I remember reading an article describing the "love that's a whisper away from grief".

I had that in spades in the early days.

It's less heart-wrenching now and more utterly delightful.

Relentless is the word but there are also frequent moments of utter utter joy. DD said "I yuv you mummy" for the first time the other day, which may be why I'm so sentimental at the moment.

I found the early days and weeks relentless, isolating, a bit boring, exhausting and quite quite lonely despite having a very supportive DP and family. But it gets better all the time. Not necessarily less relentless, but better in that I feel more confident in myself, and I love DD a bit more every single day.

So it's not all bad.

Your whole life changes, you are never the same. You'll feel such deep love for your baby that can't be explained properly.