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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a mum to a toddler

188 replies

firstimer30s · 13/07/2016 19:26

I love my job and I love my baby. I love my DH (when he doesn't drive me crazy) but sometimes I want to pack it all in, sit at home making organic food crap and knitting booties.
I feel like I have zero time to myself and like doing a good job 9-5 is impossible, then getting home and bathing toddler, having dinner etc...zaps all my energy.
I feel like I'm just racing against the clock and like I never have a second to myself, apart from when I'm asleep.
DH does 'help' but he works more than full time too and basically, he's the 'support role' while I do most of the laundry, cooking and toddler caring.
AIBU to think it's possible to have a career and kids or should I just stop trying so f-ing hard and go part-time/ jack it all in

OP posts:
UnikittyInHerBusinessSuit · 13/07/2016 19:29

How easy would it be to get a good new job in a couple of years time if you did jack it all in? How likely are you to have more children? Is part time a realistic possibility?

UnikittyInHerBusinessSuit · 13/07/2016 19:30

And of course, who earns more, your your DH? Who has the better prospects? Would he be able to go part time?

Pearlman · 13/07/2016 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 13/07/2016 19:31

It's not stupid but it's not easy.
Can DH help more? Can you get a cleaner or other help?

Jenijena · 13/07/2016 19:31

We both work four days a week, I probably do a bit more of the 'thinking' but apart from that the house and family chores are shared equally. I still have days I want to jack it all in but then I remember I actually like my job and I'm shit at housework. It is possible to do it but it is bloody hard.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 13/07/2016 19:31

The job isn't the issue. The fact you're doing all the household stuff is.

You could go part time if you want to, get another job or buy in some help (cleaner, housekeeper etc), kick your dh's arse into gear so he pulls his weight. But that's your decision.

They're not little forever. It gets much easier once they go to school.

Windsofwinter · 13/07/2016 19:32

What sort of job do you do? I work almost full time, my kids are now 8 & 4. I've managed to sit professional exams (home study) since my maternity leave finished and am now almost qualified. The key to this is that DH does a lot around the house, and helps out even more than usual when I'm cramming for exams. It's been a long few years but overall I have just about managed to juggle everything! It will be worth the long term gain.

StarUtopia · 13/07/2016 19:32

I went part time but i only work evenings.

If I"m honest (but I know I'll get flamed) I really don't see the point of having kids if you're just going to whack them in full time childcare. Basically, someone else is bringing them up, and you're just getting the hour before bed, them asleep and an hour in the morning before you parcel them back off again. There is a way to work without sacrificing seeing your kids although it does mean putting them before your own career ambitions. I can always make more more /career progression later when they're older.

bumsexatthebingo · 13/07/2016 19:33

If you're unhappy and can afford it I say stay at home. I did with mine and don't regret a second of it.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 13/07/2016 19:34

What an interesting view point StarUtopia. Do you think working dads shouldn't have kids then?

And where do you live that doesn't have weekends?! Shock

branofthemist · 13/07/2016 19:35

I worked full time and has two kids. When I went back after the second baby he was 6 months and Dd was 6. I only ever took maternity.

Dh worked long hours, really long and sometimes travelled.

However he also knew that since I was also working full time he needed to do at least his fair share at home.

Everything was planned in advance and he refused to go on work trips if it was too short notice and made it difficult for me. He knew my career was as important as his.

Can your dh really not do anymore? Or do you actually want to be a sahm, so making excuses for him which supports what you want to do?

Not judging, but if you want to work full time you need a dh who does at least his fair share and doesn't treat you like the default carer, or that your job is less important than his.

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/07/2016 19:35

Nice goady post star.

Maybe some parents work because they have to.

branofthemist · 13/07/2016 19:36

If I"m honest (but I know I'll get flamed) I really don't see the point of having kids if you're just going to whack them in full time childcare

I mean this in the nicest way. You are talking bull shit

MiddleClassProblem · 13/07/2016 19:37

Is that what you think it's like as a sahp? Honestly, it's not. I honestly think that all roads of parenthood end up feeling like the grass is greener. Of course you want to spend more time with LO but chances are those days will be doing chores, stopping you kid from climbing the furniture, eating that bug, throwing that water cup etc. You'll want to punch Bing in the face and be physically worn out but not mentally challenged and miss a chat about grown up things.

Obvs there are some that say it's amazing. And it's wonderful watching them grow and learn but it's surround by some wearing stuff.

If you have a good job, it's worth holding on to or at least having your toe in the water as once they're at school you'll just be home alone.

Original poster
firstimer30s · 13/07/2016 19:39

DH works longer hours and earns far more. I don't think I could quit work and still get to where I am a few years later.
DH is probably a bit lazy about the housework but the problem is, that we generally have mega rows that last days if I bring it up. Then he improves a bit, then it all slides downhill again... so I either do most of the stuff myself, (he does help a bit, but it's nowhere near 50/50) or we argue.
And I'm tired of arguing, we do love each other, I'm happy in my marriage (apart from the housework stuff...) so...
And I do love my job

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 13/07/2016 19:40

Could you afford some help?

AyeAmarok · 13/07/2016 19:40

I do love it it when someone comes on saying "I know I'll get flamed for this" and then posts such a twatty comment like putting DC in childcare means someone else is raising them and there was no point in having them.

Biscuit
MiddleClassProblem · 13/07/2016 19:41

Is it possible to get a cleaner? Even just once a week? Or use s laundry company?

BlossomHillOne · 13/07/2016 19:41

StarUtopia - Maybe some of us think there's more to life than just being a mummy? Maybe we have no choice but to work, or a long career break would see us losing out in the long-term.

I sure as hell don't want to be the doting little housewife - couldn't imagine anything worse, but it doesn't mean I love my children any less.

Gingeete · 13/07/2016 19:42

I gave up work when DD was 2. I now work very part time agency and it feels like "my time" when I go to work. I find my days full it's like I haven't gained anytime. Don't give up, go part time. Grass is not greener!!

MiddleClassProblem · 13/07/2016 19:42

And apologise for my rant, just don't want you to think that it's all cupcakes and daisy picking. It's not like a decision that it's easy to go back from unlike the other way.

MeganChips · 13/07/2016 19:42

It's tough OP, it is.

I went back full time after having DC1 and was permanently knackered. That was with a DH who did his share.

I dropped to 4 days a week when I had DC2. Could this be an option for you? It was easier.

I have been back at work full time for 3 years now and while it's still a juggle (DC are 9 and 12) I am so glad I didn't give up my career. I'm good at it, I enjoy it and it's mine. My earning power is good and if DH and I were ever to split, I'd be fine.

Your DH needs to step up more if you want to continue. If you both work full time why should he get to do a support role? You're both parents.

Cabrinha · 13/07/2016 19:43

Your problem is that you haven't sorted out a sensible division of household tasks, which may or may not include outsourcing things like cleaning and ironing.

Why isn't your husband pulling his weight?

There are two of you. Issues here may be:

  • unrealistic expectations of life: you have to accept you've got a busy few years ahead and don't stress about that
  • unrealistic expectations of yourself: like people who bear themselves up for not hand pressing organic veg
  • being a martyr: tell your husband to step up, get a cleaner, book a babysitter, whatever.

There will be crazy days, but yes - generally YABU to think that two working parents can't have careers and care for a child between them.

branofthemist · 13/07/2016 19:45

Do you honestly think you will resent him less and stop the arguments if you become a sahm?

So when he does even less as its 'your job' and you have given up a career, do you think your marriage problems will disappear?

grumpysquash3 · 13/07/2016 19:45

It is not stupid to have a career and a toddler. Challenging, yes. Hard work, yes.

Star, people don't love their DC any less because they use child care.