AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a mum to a toddler

[firstimer30s]

I love my job and I love my baby. I love my DH (when he doesn't drive me crazy) but sometimes I want to pack it all in, sit at home making organic food crap and knitting booties.
I feel like I have zero time to myself and like doing a good job 9-5 is impossible, then getting home and bathing toddler, having dinner etc...zaps all my energy.
I feel like I'm just racing against the clock and like I never have a second to myself, apart from when I'm asleep.
DH does 'help' but he works more than full time too and basically, he's the 'support role' while I do most of the laundry, cooking and toddler caring.
AIBU to think it's possible to have a career and kids or should I just stop trying so f-ing hard and go part-time/ jack it all in

Can you go part time? I've maintained my career (and progressed it) by going part time ;3 days) after my first mat leave. I job shared for the first three years, which was excellent, and worked well for everyone. The organisation was restructured whilst I was on my second mat leave, and I have done 3 days a week "solo" for 3.5 years. It's do-able, but I will be increasing my hours when my youngest starts school in September. I've sometimes had to catch up/tie up loose ends etc in the evenings, but it has been well worth it to keep my career on track and my CPD and skills up to date. I work in quite a niche field, and my job would be filled very quickly if I left, 10 x over. I'd never get back in.

Watching this thread with interest as I want to keep working full time (or minimum 4 days a week) when I have kids.

Through reading on here I have to say I'd planned to outsource as much domestic shite as possible and keep the quality time with my family actual quality nice time, and not chore-doing time. Possibly not possible, but it's the aim.

Can you apply for flexible working, or can your DH? I've got 2 preschoolers, and DH and I are both lawyers who both do some homeworking so we have more quality time with the kids. We both work in the evenings which means we have very little quality time together, but we acknowledge this and believe it's a short term compromise.

Also I do no housework and can't afford a cleaner so my house is a shit tip. I prioritise cooking healthy meals and accept something has to give!

It doesn't actually get easier when they go to school. Cheaper, yes, assuming state school, but not easier. The thing about nurseries is that their job is exclusively to look after your child from 8-6 (or whatever), 50 weeks a year, so that you can go to work. Schools have their own, very different sets of priorities.

Yes it can be done but I think requires equal sharing of house stuff, or else becomes impossible. Me and DH both work ft and have 3 dcs 9, 7 and 2. He does laundry, bins, garden and I handle cooking. He also handles mornings (I leave early) and I do evenings. We have a cleaner. If he didn't pull his weight it wouldn't be possible. Can you discuss a more equal split?

Branofthemist, you are totally right. I don't really want to be a SAHM, I'm just knackered.
DH's mum tells him all the time that 'both parents can't be CEO' . She's fairly mean in general but sometimes when I wobble I think she's right.
Cabrinha and MiddleClassProblem - totally.
I need to outsource more or get him to do more I guess.
If getting him to do more means arguments, then he can just pay for more home help. And no, I'm not handpressing vegetables but I do like fresh food, so I end up cooking most nights....
Ok, ok, I can see I am making a rod for my own back...

If he doesn't help out now and sees raising the DC and the housework as your 'job' it will only get much, much worse if you become a SAHM. And by that point you will have lost your financial independence and career, making it very hard for you to do anything about it. It sounds to me like you have marital issues as opposed to child/career related issues. You need to focus on solving the former.

I can understand why people put their children in full time childcare (sometimes because they have to due to financial reasons and other times because they can't manage with the kids). However I believe parents should try to look after their own children as far as possible (even if it's just 1 day a week). It isn't good or nice for babies and toddlers to be in full time childcare away from their parents 5 days a week.

By the way, my sister, who thinks having kids is easy (but obv has none) bought me a spiralizer for my birthday, so I could hand-churn vegetables into spaghetti! I nearly threw it at her head

familyfarm fair enough and I agonise over this plenty, but does anyone have the answer to this?
Is there a dead set no quibble scientific proof that its better for kids to be with mum or dad?
I don't know...

Start by making a list of chores in order of what takes up the most timeand see what you can afford to outsource.
My cleaner also irons DH& the DCs shirts, well worth the money!

I have a pressure cooker that I throw whole frozen chickens in to (thanks to MN!) So we eat fresh most nights.

If you haven't got the time but you can swallow the expense , pay someone else to do it. In the meantime stop doing stuff for your DH.

UnikittyInHerBusinessSuit, I am very very worried about starting school and all the many many holidays they have. And the reduced hours compared to nursery.

Pandarific - that's exactly what we decided to do. I decided to go back FT (even though I could easily have dropped a day or two) because I enjoy my job and earn more than DH, and we thought we might as well see if we could make it work. We have a cleaner once a week, groceries delivered and DH and I split all housework and nursery drop offs/pick ups 50/50. I also work from home one day a week which is an absolute godsend - it means I can look forward to having that day at a more relaxed pace, catch up on any washing that needs doing etc, be home for deliveries, and leaves the weekend entirely free to do fun family time. It's busy but very doable!

It's not just about the division of chores though.

DH works in a niche field, he loves his job but they point blank refused to reduce his hours (he's put in 2 requests) plus he has a long commute. Whereas my employer said yes to me going part time and is much closer to home and childcare.

So all pick ups, getting home, bath and bed etc inevitably falls to me despite me actually being the higher earner, we didn't want the DC to be in childcare full time so it was me who dropped hours. DH does some drop offs and helps when he is around but that means he gets back even later. There are no suitable jobs for him where we live and no way could we afford a nanny.

Circumstance (and I think ingrained sexism from his employer) dictated our situation. It's had a very negative impact on my career tbh.

Don't give up your job. You will regret it.
Get your mr. to do more!

Of course two CEOs can be parents! You'd be able to afford proper help at home then too! If your mil was my mil she'd be on that list with Bing

For those who do 50/50, does your DH do his share as well as you? (Read to the kids instead of letting them watch TV, dresses them properly etc) or do you just let him do it his way and you do yours?

The only way is with help. Either your DP needs to pull his weight, or you need to get a cleaner, a nanny, and perhaps some kind of food/laundry service. Pick what causes you the most stress and outsource it.

It's the only way I survive (I don't mind cooking, online shopping is no hassle, so I have a cleaner, and a nanny who also does the washing/ironing)

The other option is risky. I completely understand the pull, but, if something happens to your relationship, or god forbid your partner, then you're in a much harder position if you have a career break on your CV.

firstimer I was also worried about whether both DH and I working FT would "damage" DS - it has been the complete opposite. He absolutely loves his nursery and is the happiest, most confident and sociable little boy. My other friends who went back FT all have very happy babies/toddlers too.

I really don't think giving up work would in any way reduce the relentlessness, if anything it would add to it. I'm a professional and work part time, 32hrs, and I value those hours as downtime (despite it being a generally stressful role).
I have every admiration for SAHP, I couldn't do it. Don't think for a moment it's the soft option!

ChocChocPorridge , does your DP do 50/50 or have you just decided to outsource?

You say you live your job so I think it's a bad idea to leave it. It is so hard to get into work after time out especially if, for example, you wanted to return in a few years part time. Much better to change your hours now, or look for a part time job while you have up to date experience.

I agree it is really hard to have a career with young dc - the day to day zaps your energy and if you work full time you miss your dc. You have my sympathy. Try to get your DH to do more or outsource it to cleaner etc. I know it's easier said than done but your DH should want to help if he knows you're unhappy.

Well your DH is the issue there.
And DH has always done the bed time stories, the giving a bath etc...
And no he has never been sat on his arse whilst I was running around like a headless chicken.
Actually, the dcs are over now, but due to ill health, I can do only very title so he is still working full time, sometimes travel AND is doing more of the housework/looking after the dcs/ensuring they have done their homework etc...

He has stopped being in the 'supporting role' when I stopped letting him in that role. The dcs were about 2yo.

I think it's possible to have both, but it's hard. Ultimately only you can decide how much the career means to you. I always wanted my career, was always very driven. Then I had my dd, nothing changed for 3 years, then my dh's job changed and he worked longer hours, was around less, and we all became really stressed. I had an accident, spent 3 months at home, during which time our family became calmer and happier. I realised I didn't want the career as much as I thought. I have now changed my job, do a 9-5, and am retraining for a new more family friendly career.

Ultimately if you want the career, you need to speak to your dh and find the best way to make it work. You need to think about what will make you and your family the happiest.

Agree it doesn't get easier when they're at school. All those school holidays, inset days, strike days, snow days to cover. Plus birthday parties, dress up days, galas, fetes, charity days, homework, school plays, forms for this and that, packed lunches, etc etc. So much more thinking and planning. Far more hours of hands on parenting required!
I just worked 3 days so I could keep my head above water when DC were younger, and continued it so there are fewer days to find childcare when out of school.
DH out earns me several times though, simply due to career choice. So I've been happy to just have a 'job,' not pursue career advancement and minimise the stress.