AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a mum to a toddler

[firstimer30s]

I love my job and I love my baby. I love my DH (when he doesn't drive me crazy) but sometimes I want to pack it all in, sit at home making organic food crap and knitting booties.
I feel like I have zero time to myself and like doing a good job 9-5 is impossible, then getting home and bathing toddler, having dinner etc...zaps all my energy.
I feel like I'm just racing against the clock and like I never have a second to myself, apart from when I'm asleep.
DH does 'help' but he works more than full time too and basically, he's the 'support role' while I do most of the laundry, cooking and toddler caring.
AIBU to think it's possible to have a career and kids or should I just stop trying so f-ing hard and go part-time/ jack it all in

I think if you really enjoy your job and want to progress your career, hang in there. You might regret it otherwise. I have utmost respect for sahps but there was no way I wanted to be one.
I could have written your post after returning to work my first child. Sometimes I cried with exhaustion and it was so hard, so stressful. We were really poor as well as mortgage and nursery fees took up almost all our income. I had £15 a week disposable income (which often I blew on taxis from the station to nursery when my train was late! )
Plus I wasn't as assertive in those days and though husband shared domestic tasks most child related stuff was done by me automatically.
But I'm so glad I stuck at it. I got promoted twice and moved firms. I now earn three times what I did then.
We now have a second child - admittedly a big gap between the two - and it's been a doddle because we can afford to outsource everything we can: cleaning, shopping, ironing, gardening, have an evening nanny two evenings so we can work late and do shorter days rest of week. All domestic tasks including caring for children is very equal.
I'd also say the reduced stress comes from being more senior at work and having control over my diary/meetings (when more junior this was in the hands of senior staff). I can work from home one day a week and me when I want, as can my husband.

Psst I also shared my maternity leave with by husband second time round and I couldn't recommend it more. I dint think he had a clue how knackering it is to be in sole charge of children before!
One of the most significant life truths I have learnt from mumsnet is that "children need you more when they are older". My son is now secondary age and is so true and I/we are flexible enough to be there for him when he needs us.

Yes my DH does 50/50. Absolutely. We earn the same. if I wasn't there he is 100% there. I will come home to a clean house, a cooked meal, the laundry done and DS in bed, with no resort to TV (we are a no screen house anyway). He has a PhD and is a doctor. I don't see why this is so difficult.

On the days he is late and I pick up DS, he comes home to the same. If either of us haven't managed to do something, we then try and do it together at some stage, while moaning about life in general (putting away laundered clothes is something we both hate).

Also 3 months ago I had chickenpox and DH did everything. Absolutely everything for a whole week while holding down a really stressful job. Without complaint. As I would expect an adult who also loves me to do.

How flexible is your job or employer? Could you experiment working part-time by using annual leave to take a day (or two) off each week for a couple of months? Or take a week off to put things in place that might help?

I work 4 days and DP is very supportive and capable. I still don't get any time to myself but I think that's because I don't prioritise it as I should.

I don't think my career has suffered because I work 4 days but I don't know for sure.

Do you feel you get less free time than DH?

Why doesn't your dh do 50%? What makes him too special to wash clothes or scrub the loo?

I work full time in a stressful job (out the house almost 12hours a day), DH is a sahd, I still do some laundry, cleaning, cooking, bedtimes, baths etc - admittedly not as much as him. My job allows me lunch (sometimes!) and toilet breaks, staying at home is tough (actually DH loves it).

If your DH lived alone how would he manage cooking, cleaning etc? I think he sounds very selfish - watching his wife run ragged.

Yes you can have a career and children -

If it's impossible to work full time whilst also taking on all the domestic chores, how on earth do single mothers cope? Or single fathers, like the ones who ended up widows when their dcs were little?

I haven't hear any of them saying it was impossible and that they had to give up their career either.

And YY wardrobe that question sounds crazy doesn't it?

Posted too soon - you just need to work as a team at home. Not one doing everything and the other bumbling selfishly along.

Latest statistics I've come across say that in France, 40% of fathers do more HW & looking after the dcs than their wife's.
Now if French men can manage a career AND to do more than half of the housework, why does it seem impossible to British fathers?

Also to make the point, both DH and I get equal amount of 'free time', although actually as my job is more flexible, I probably get more 'free time' than he does. I've never had to ask him to 'help' in his own house or 'babysit' his own children. If I want to go out with friends, I just check that he's going to be back on time that night, and just go ahead. We don't keep score, there is no negotiation. He does the same.

I should point out that we do have a cleaner so that makes life a little easier.

YABU. I have a career and two small children. I can do this because my husband is a SAHD. Your OP illustrates perfectly the kind of sexism still endemic in this country that assumes a man can never be the one to give up their job and look after the kids.

And until there's equality in the home there'll never be equality in the workplace.

You say discussing the division of household chores leads to a row - your DH does this deliberately to get you to stfu and get back into you wifey box. You doing it all to save having the argument - notice he doesn't do half because he hates you both arguing...

Mil says you can't both be ceo's - hmm I'm guessing she doesn't mean her son should go part time?

I think some of the difference between here and France is that France has, or at least had, quite a strongly enforced working time directive so there's fewer men working really long hours.

Although of course there are a lot of men working perfectly standard hours who still can't organise clean PE kit in case their testicles might drop off.

Agree with monkey. Really insulting description of the SAHP role. Are you as dismissive of the role of nursery workers / childminders?

Looking after children is work. My DH does plenty of housework because my job is the kids not the house. You have a relationship problem.

I did it all just about as a single mum 2 DCs with a mostly very good income. A 4/5 job, and 3 holiday rentals. Then I got a brilliant au pair that changed my life, allowed me to leave my job and start my own company. Having good help changed everything for me and I'd never go back.

Id second the idea of part time. With children there us more work to be done especially if you factor in being with them. Ok thats not all work, but relationships take time and effort. So out of the number of hours in a week you have less to work. Unless you outsource stuff. Domestic chores, childcare.

Primary is the hardest time I think, inset days, holidays, assembly's, plays sports days...mine had to take her bike in to do cycling proficiency this month - difficult doing that with breakfast club.

Looking from the other side we both work 4 days but I commute for 90 minutes each way so am out the house longer hours. Yes I do housework when I get home but my DH is at home more hours so inevitably does more. When we are both here we both cook, clean up, and do other jobs but during the week that's not so fair. On my day off I do as much as I can in terms of washing etc.

Op it's tough without a doubt we have two ds 7 months and 3 and tonight dh and I got stuck on separate motorways and resulted in dh pissing his boss off and me sat in front of the laptop until late tonight preparing for an inspection

Finances are tight as he'll with two nurseries and I often bloody cry about leaving my boys

But

The long term it'll be worth it , we can't survive on one salary and bring the boys up in appropriate housing (as in enough room to be physically healthy for them)

And if I stay in my career rather than a holding job then I will be by far the higher earner in a couple of years.....which means we can offer the boys the possibility of university or private school and try to give them the best start possible....but there is a hell of a price ....it's not an option in my field to be part time and stay in a senior role and if I demote I can't afford nursery and the career break will destroy any chance of us providing them with a better future

So here it is....but it's worth it not just for the money for me but for the role model I'm setting that we go out and get what we need in life , that careers are for both men and women

In terms of the idiotic "letting someone else raise your child " brigade....think about how awful a person someone must be to think that and hammer other parents down....people aren't that awful....they are that insecure .....it's bullocks but let them have their little delusion ...it's probably all they've got

Dh does need to equal you with homes stuff though it makes it bearable

luchimangsho!!!! A fellow Bengali?!

ok, I'm going to come in and give you my side :)

I work pt in a stressful role (probably less stressful if ft) this week I have decided I can't do it any more. I have two DC at school but the running around, holidays, dh with a stressful ft job has made it so that I actually just can't carry on. I'm horrid to him, the kids and at work and have decided a career break will help our family. Dh agrees as often he has to stop working to come home and do the "parenting" we are both suffering from me working. And we have a modicum of help. BUT this will reduce our income although even if ft I wouldn't earn as much as dh. I just literally cannot go on the way it is, the last year (I don't know why) has become impossible. I may regret it, I hope I won't, but we both think it will be for the best. it was easier when they were toddler tbh :). I know there are things I can "pick" up when not in work but to earn money, dh does 50:50 with children but I feel in a permanent state of disarray! I intend to go back once they are at secondary but at the moment none of us are happy. that's why we are making this decision. I want one of us to spend more time with the children, I don't love my job, I am terrified of losing my "job status" but at the same time now feel more calm about things.

it isn't helpful to your op, but if I loved my job I wouldn't be in this situation. if I never work again I may be bored but dh will never throw it in my face as we have made this decision together. Talk to him, see what help you can get, live with it and then review it. then make a decision.

oh and I'm relatively old for the work place so going back will be hard, but I can live with that if it comes to it.

Yes indeed a fellow Bengali. No one has commented on my MN name so far...I'm pleased you appreciate the finer culinary arts.

It is possible but it is hard work.

I do 13.5 hour shifts which mean I only have to work three days a week leaving me four days a week where I get to be with my son (aged 2yr 3m).

I used to be in a 9-5 job, four days a week, but I left it for my current job as I struggled with the idea of being away from my DS that frequently.

I'm permanently exhausted as on the days I'm working I'm out the house for 14 hours, I'm still up most nights with my poor sleeping toddler and then doing the majority of the household stuff on my days off.

It's hard doing such long shifts, sometimes it means I don't get to see DS for 48 hours but I do it because I want to have the 4 days a week with him at home.

Me and DH probably could afford for me to drop my hours but we like having my full time income because it allows us to have savings, put money away for our DS and have holiday funds.

It's definitely hard work balancing parenting with working but we all just do the best we can.

Of course two CEOs can be parents! You'd be able to afford proper help at home then too!

Of course they can. But due to the realities of that sort of job, they would need a full time, live in nanny - and someone to cover for her. And they would both see very, very little of their children.

It is bloody hard, I agree. But I think in the long term, if you value your independence and like to have some financial autonomy, then keeping your career going will reap benefits. As a PP said, the toddler/nursery stage doesn't last forever - once at school age it'll get better and easier.

star I think it is pretty offensive to suggest those of us mothers who work are somehow undeserving of motherhood because we dare to go out to work. Agree with the PP who questions whether you would challenge a working father in the same way?

I work part time, with 2 at school (one at secondary!) and I'm knackered. It's not even a career. I don't know how anyone works f/t but DH, despite what he thinks, is a bit of a dinosaur!

Re whether it gets easier, I work ft, on me primary and one toddler dc, there is no doubt parental input is needed for supporting the learning but personally I find this much less tiring than dealing with the 3am night wakings our toddler has been doing for the last few months - the sleep deprivation and wearing tantrums sap my energy. Don't give up - personally I think 4 days pw was the holy grail for us. Have you considered whether you're getting out doing fun things enough? I know it's tiring but not having a social life can make you feel more stuck too. I outsource all my ironing - helps hugely. And I try and ignore the mess!

It is hard but so is being at home with kids all day. Personally I would rather work!
And as for the stupid comment above, I've had kids, I've sorted my (full-time) hours so I can see them loads, take extra unpaid leave and LOVE them to death. Do you honestly think your kids are going to love you more because you stayed at home? Don't be daft.
OP, you just need more help around the house.
More cleaning/somebody doing your ironing, hell
Somebody to cook