AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a mum to a toddler

[firstimer30s]

I love my job and I love my baby. I love my DH (when he doesn't drive me crazy) but sometimes I want to pack it all in, sit at home making organic food crap and knitting booties.
I feel like I have zero time to myself and like doing a good job 9-5 is impossible, then getting home and bathing toddler, having dinner etc...zaps all my energy.
I feel like I'm just racing against the clock and like I never have a second to myself, apart from when I'm asleep.
DH does 'help' but he works more than full time too and basically, he's the 'support role' while I do most of the laundry, cooking and toddler caring.
AIBU to think it's possible to have a career and kids or should I just stop trying so f-ing hard and go part-time/ jack it all in

It's not stupid. I would never give up my career, wouldn't even take a full 9 months mat leave. I love my work and would be very depressed at home all day, kid or not.

But that's my personal choice. Everyone's free to make their own. If you think it's too much, make whatever decision best for Roy.

Roy = YOU. Autocorrect. I don't care what Roy thinks.

I was in exactly the same position as you until a couple of months ago with the exception my DH does his fair share. We we're knackered and felt something had to change. Unfortunately neither of our jobs allow p\t reduced hours etc. So I'm currently taking a break to look after DD. It's been good spending more time with her BUT I am concerned about getting back into work (have to for financial reasons) and have realised I don't want to be a SAHM. Anyway I don't really have any advice as such just support that I recognise it's very difficult and there are no straight forward solutions.

chocchcoporridge: before cleaner and nanny I was angry the whole time because I was doing everything.

totally agree - i was the same. my DH is a bit lazy when it comes to housework, we have a cleaner and a nanny so that problem is solved. Having said that he is extremely hands on with DD - as i type he has taken her swimming for a few hours, i'm catching up on work and have just had a lovely long shower!

OP please ignore the snarky comments about working full time and the effect on the kids. My DH and i both work full time and i can tell you now that when i'm with DD I'm totally engaged with her - it helps that when i get in from work the house is clean etc so all my attention is focused on her. compare this to some SAHM's I know who are doing chores and housework and plonking the kids in front of the tv whilst they do it...each to their own.

i think that not working at all is a dangerous route to go down if you have a career - i'm seeing a lot of friends struggle to get back into the working world as they waited until their kids were school age. if you work in a fast paced industry you are just going to be outrun by those who stayed in the game.

if possible: throw money at the problem to help (cleaner etc) if not, kick your DH into gear.

good luck!

I work part time and always have done and threads like this make me feel massively inferior.

Cooking, shopping, walking the dog, helping out with homework and supervising music practice, gardening, laundry, cleaning, tidying up - for someone with three kids in a four bedroom house house, how does that work when both of you are out of the house from 7.30 am to 6.30/7.30?

Am me and DH just massively inefficient or is it the case that doing all of the household stuff between 6.30 - bedtime, and at weekends crowds out time to do pretty much everything else that makes life bearable, like having long baths, hobbies, reading, exercise...?

I haven't read the whole thread so not sure how much it has been mentioned but in our case the key has been working from home. OH and myself both work in full-time office jobs in Central London but are lucky enough to be able to work partly from home - me two fixed days per week and OH ad hoc days averaging one per week.

On WFH days, in the time that we would usually be commuting or on our lunch break, we do bits and bobs of cleaning, laundry and life admin, get things delivered/go to the post office, and I will usually batch cook something for dinner that night and for the freezer. The lack of commuting on those days also means that we are less knackered at the end of the week. We don't have a cleaner at the moment as we can keep on top of things the way we work it.

Not sure how realistic it would be for you to work from home (I think most employers have to consider your request) but it is a good compromise between working full time and working part time, with no drop in salary.

When people say 'why did you have children?' ... So you think every women who has a child shouldn't work from the moment the baby is born? You don't want a working mother to be your doctor, your child's school teacher, your nurse, your firefighter, your midwife, your travel operator, your politician, your solicitor, your dentist, your waitress, your police offer, your paramedic, your estate agent.... what time limit do you put that mothers shouldn't work for? In this day and age not many can rely on one income to pay the mortgage/rent and bills, run a car. I think it is so sad when people say the comment of 'why did you have children in the first place'. MOST mothers have children and love them, they want to spend quality time with their children. If they are working they will try and juggle the very best they can to get the balance, to keep children happy and do a good job at work. I think don't generalise working Mums x I am not saying that stay at home Mum's don't contribute because they do and I think they are very important, good for them but I just think the comment of 'why have children' is super short sighted! I make the absolute most of my time with my children and treasure it.

I think half the problem is that for many if not most professional people in the UK full-time actually doesn't mean a 40 hour week, it means 50 to 60 hours a week. With often long commutes and expensive housing that leaves very little time and money for either family stuff or paying someone to help fill the gap.

•minifingers Cooking, shopping, walking the dog, helping out with homework and supervising music practice, gardening, laundry, cleaning, tidying up - for someone with three kids in a four bedroom house house, how does that work when both of you are out of the house from 7.30 am to 6.30/7.30?•

of the above, we don't have a dog and DD not at school yet. all those other chores are done by the cleaner/nanny (our nanny doubles as a housekeeper). if relevant we have a 4 bedroom house too :)

when i am home i am home - i genuinely don't have to lift a finger to do anything other than a bit of tidying around the house.

i should add - we cook - the slow cooker is a godsend. aside from the help which is amazing we are ridiculously organised in this house...

Get yourself a multi-vitamin, an organisation app, and buck up. And remember all the women who have it much harder.

Yeah, there you go OP problem solved. Now why didn't anyone else cone up with that?

Just thinking about if you went part time (I wouldn't personally right now). Part time doesn't always mean less work. I've learnt that the higher up the tree you are, the harder it is to reduce your workload, regardless of what your contact might say...

In direct response to your question, you are being unreasonable. It is perfectly possible to have a career and toddles. I would go even as far as to say is even easier with a toddler than say an 8 year old, but perhaps I am just a weird mother....

Is that the best thing for you, your child and husband? Completely different question.... I know others have pointed this out.

For what is worth it, I have a DP that puts almost 50% in the care, and we both have full time jobs. Is manic but doable. I like to think we are better parents to our children by having exciting lives. Sometime I ask the kids if I should give up work and stay with them, and they say no.

Staying at home can lead to wonderful parenting, but not necesarily so. Have seen plenty of complete disasters. The best choice depends very much on yoursef, your kids , the kind of job you have (how flexible it is) and the child care available.

starutopia fuck off

It is hard, and you are not on your own. Could you appeal to the better side of his nature, say you cant cope and need help. (cry abit may be too) then sit down together, draw up a list of all the regular chores along with how long they take and decide together who is going to do what and when, then put a planner on the fridge.
Also could you internet shop and get it delivered? I order the shopping and DH fetches it and puts it away while i do the ironing. If i've finished i help. Also my kids are older now but as soon as you can get them helping, they live in the home so should help keep it tidy and clean. When cooking, cook double and keep in the freezer for the following week.
Good luck

And what if you can't afford to hire a cleaner/outsource?

I work 4 days a week (compressed hours - 32 rather than 35), DH works full time over 4.5. DD is 13 months and I'm 11 weeks pregnant with #2. I don't have a career (neither of us do), I have a job; we both have to work to get by.

But, I'm already dreading going back to work after #2. We barely seem to cope at the moment, and then with extra childcare as well... ughhh.

We need to get more efficient at running the house. I know we do. I just don't know where to start, I feel like I'm drowning

^Cooking, shopping, walking the dog, helping out with homework and supervising music practice, gardening, laundry, cleaning, tidying up - for someone with three kids in a four bedroom house house, how does that work when both of you are out of the house from 7.30 am to 6.30/7.30?^

Am me and DH just massively inefficient or is it the case that doing all of the household stuff between 6.30 - bedtime, and at weekends crowds out time to do pretty much everything else that makes life bearable, like having long baths, hobbies, reading, exercise...?

You have more bedrooms and children than the majority of people minifingerz. I think that makes a difference. A family with two children, two bedrooms, a gerbil not a dog and a yard not a garden would require much less labour to maintain them than your setup does. I'm not sure most parents supervise music practice either tbh. I don't know how full timers fit everything in either, but I reckon their 'everything' is often much less than yours!

Get a cleaner, maybe cut down to 4 days, get your DH to pull weight (easier said than done I know). I know loads of mums who worked when their kids were toddlers, but most worked 4 days at the most, or their partners stayed at home (or did shift work).

Minifingerz: I work full-time from home (and I do mean work: I'll put the odd load of washing on and maybe slam together supper in my lunch hour but that's it). Online shopping. At the moment we pay a cleaner; before that DP ran a Hoover round the place at weekends. He does the garden (which is small) from time to time. We both cook and do the laundry. Not a lot of tidying goes on, admittedly. Both kids are secondary age so no supervision required...it's not that onerous!

Get an au pair
Life changing!
Get an older one , pay more, give clear timetable, some housework eg ironing and laundry.
Treat them well and thank them, praise.
Unbelievably freeing and also good for the children to have another kindly adult carer along with both parents

Feel your frustration OP. My DH says he isn't trusted to organise stuff, but then I point out how I asked him to arrange a few things for the house and over 2 months later neither is done. Meanwhile last night, I spent well over an hour researching the best price for some stuff that we need to buy and it's all going to be delivered on Monday. He just doesn't get it and spends his time reading Twitter and the papers.

s Star not allowed to have an opinion???

Of course she is. And everyone else is allowed to challenge it.

I have 3 kids, a 6 year old and twins that are just about to turn 1. I left my job last month (at the end of my mat leave) there is no way I could work at the moment, this is the first time I have ever not worked. Financially for child care and to be honest just time means I won't be back at work for a while! When I had my first, I went back to work after my mat leave. Full time. It was a struggle while he was a baby, we just made the most of our days off and holidays and learned not to be too precious about the house. Even when he went to nursery, we were always dropping him off and rushing to get there in time and then rushing back to pick him up in time, then it's dinner, bath and bed. Time is short when you are working full time. It's really about affordability, if you can afford to chuck it, or even just go part time for a year or two, I'd definitely consider it

OP I know how u feel, I could have written this! I don't have any answers as I haven't cracked the conundrum of getting more help, I work at least the same number of hours, do the school run before work and pick DD up every day. I come home to no dinner in the table even if DP is at home (he works shifts) and I often wonder why I signed up for this. I love my job, and obvs my family but I feel like I'm on a treadmill in the week. Coming back as a man for sure!

I work full time and have no one to share the Household tasks with.. I've relented and got a cleaner a couple of hours a week. X my sanity is so much better.

The best thing I ever heard was you can have it all but not all at the same time?