AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a mum to a toddler

[firstimer30s]

I love my job and I love my baby. I love my DH (when he doesn't drive me crazy) but sometimes I want to pack it all in, sit at home making organic food crap and knitting booties.
I feel like I have zero time to myself and like doing a good job 9-5 is impossible, then getting home and bathing toddler, having dinner etc...zaps all my energy.
I feel like I'm just racing against the clock and like I never have a second to myself, apart from when I'm asleep.
DH does 'help' but he works more than full time too and basically, he's the 'support role' while I do most of the laundry, cooking and toddler caring.
AIBU to think it's possible to have a career and kids or should I just stop trying so f-ing hard and go part-time/ jack it all in

once at school age it'll get better and easier.

From what I've seen (admittedly second hand), it gets worse and harder. If your child is in full time nursery, then they operate to full time working hours, 50 weeks a year. Schools often finish at 3 and the holidays are too long for most people to manage even if a couple never has holiday at the same time. Added to which, schools seem to require your presence for some sort of event/play/assembly every other week. I know several people who went back to work after a first child and then just couldn't get it all to hang together with one at school and a toddler. I think that unless you have family on tap it's a logistical nightmare.

I made sure we had a cleaner and I see work as me time. I did the sahm bit and it was fine for a while but now I work again I'm feeling like me rather than some kind of fake.

YABU I'm afraid all though I'm not qualified to advise, I will

I'm a very long term sahm always have been, because I wanted to.
I am in awe of the working parents, especially mums that I read about on here. I know it must be hard and maybe it isn't possible to go for huge promotions, when dc are tiny, but if it is important to you, don't give up.
It won't be good for any of your relationships if you aren't true to yourself and you will become so resentful and bitter as you get older.

If your dh can't "help" more then there are lots of paid helpers you could have.
If money is a problem could your dh drop some hours, and be more equal in your work/life balance.
Some people can make it work, you'll have lots on here telling you it can.
Stand firm in what you believe in, and that comes from the complete opposite camp

I work full-time and my dh works 4 days a week, but I would be fine with him working full-time if he wanted. It works for us because we are a team and share the work at home, we don't argue, we don't quibble we just get on with it. If there is an issue we talk about it together and find a solution that works for us both.

Basically, you can absolutely have a career and a child (most men don't seem to need to even ask this question), but you will struggle have full-time career, a child and a husband who expects to be looked after. Your problem is not that your expectations are unreasonable, but that your husband is.

Hurrah Gillybeanz. What a brilliant post. So true.
Well hopefully you know that many of us who work are in total awe of sahms!

star I think it is pretty offensive to suggest those of us mothers who work are somehow undeserving of motherhood because we dare to go out to work

FFS. I go out to work. Difference is, I do this around my kids. I don't leave them in full time childcare from 7/30-6 every day. I'm bloody knackered because i do two jobs. The easy option is to just go out to a 9-5 and do no child rearing ( i know because I did do it temporarily before I came to the realisation that my kids are more important in their early years)

Star. Seriously, fuck right off would you.

It's not remotely stupid to have a career and a toddler. You don't have to go part time if you don't want to, you just need some flexibility and ideally a partner who pulls their weight.

Stop trying to do such a huge proportion of the housework. Get in a cleaner to do as much as possible, and divide the rest 50:50 with your DH.

Try to get more flexibility on both your and DH's hours. We both worked full time but had: both of us doing one day a week working from home, on which day we would each have DC at home till noon and then drop off for a half day at nursery and do a full day of work from 12:00-20:30 while the other dealt with childcare post nursery. Then the other 3 days one of us would leave the house at 6:30am in order to put in a full day of work and leave early enough to collect from nursery, and the other would be in charge of morning sorting out and nursery drop off, getting in to work later and staying later (mixing around which of us did which)

Manage your expectations. Your cupcakes won't be as beautifully decorated, your easter bonnets won't be as creative, your house won't be as organised as they would be if you were a SAHP - but it's not a competition and it doesn't matter. Your child will be fine and so will you.

Nice try star at derailing a supportive thread.

Quite the martyr aren't you?

Thanks for all the feedback and sharing your personal experiences - it has really helped put this into perspective.

For those who outsource... what do you outsource except the cleaning...?

I work around my kids, too, Star. School shifts, evening shifts, weekend shifts. That is why I am so knackered. 9/5 would be easier. It would at least know where I am. Unfortunately, I don't get the income to pay for childcare and I don't think being so strung out is necessarily good for the children or my marriage either. I don't know what the answer is. Win the lottery, marry a millionaire?

Window cleaning, wheely bin washing, car cleaning, cleaner does the ironing, when the DCs are tiny we had a mother's help . Have a posh frozen ready meal place up the road that came in handy when Dd was in and out of hospital as a baby. Sometimes I just needed a hand getting things straight and then i carry on the maintenance...

Also have an annual dismantle the oven clean...

Yabvu and quire insulting.

Yabvu and quite insulting. I've been a working mum since my dd was 9 months old. It's hard but far from impossible. Your dh needs to pull his weight.

Thanks so much for the incredible support (most of you) and in the spirit of feminism, let's not shame each other and judge each other. Trust me, there are plenty of men who will do that for us.
I take back my OP comment re knitting booties etc, it was disparaging and I have friends who are SAHMs and I think it's bloody hard because they literally don't have time to have a cup of coffee and a sandwich (which I do at work)

Many of you are right, it is about DH (and men in general) taking on an equal share. I don't want my DD to grow up thinking women should do more housework so I need to keep fighting it and then outsourcing the rest...

I love the 'you can do it' brigade - thank you

Lucky you star utopia to be sufficiently privelidged to take the high ground and look down on others who may not have the same choices you do. Should men who work full time not have children then?

Probably not what you want to hear but I've recently given up my career after having my 2nd DC. I outsource what I can afford but life has been thoroughly miserable since I went back to work a few months ago after maternity leave that I came to the conclusion that a happier and more relaxed home life was more important. I was already doing reduced hours and flexible working and it wasn't solving much.

I felt so much guilt if I was dropping the DCs off with the childminder and the morning had been rushed and I felt guilt if I couldn't put 100% in at work because I was exhausted. My DH does 50% and all the cooking so it certainly wasn't because of lack of support.

I've got a different job that has half the demands of my career but pretty much the same pay. It's not what I've trained to do and it doesn't have the same type of progression but it pays the bills. So, whilst its not impossible to have a career its not easy, I gave up but loads of others don't. I guess you have to really think about what works for your circumstances.

I would also resist any suggestion that my part-time job is any less significant than a full-time job. In fact I remained in my old job after returning from maternity leave - just reduced my hours. I work in a largely male environment but have managed to secure a sought after position against lots of competition. So, I dispute the idea that it's only a choice between full time career or SAHM

Go for it firstimer30s - I hope it goes brilliantly for you.

Someone up thread made the excellent point about promotion = more money = more things you can outsource - Sheryl Sandberg in Lean In mentions the same. Plus you are SO much more in charge of your diary when you are a more senior person rather than a junior - you're generally freer to work how it suits you, depending obviously on industry.

I know a lot of people send out their washing - like the whole dirty basket goes out, clean and dried/folded etc comes back. I'm buying a good quality robo-vaccum on eBay after studying up on reviews, they're meant to be great. I bloody love spinach and ricotta tortellini as a midweek meal - 5 mins in pot with the frozen chargrilled veggies and a packet of the low fat mozzarella and boom, done. Fresh, quick, easy. I recently got an instant pot electric pressure cooker after reading about them on here and it is very good.

StarUtopia You have a pretty pathetic attitude to people who run their lives differently than you. I think that's a pretty shitty judgemental example to set your children.

It's harder now we have 2 dc, but Dh and I both worked full time when dd was 1 to 2. At the weekend I took her out once and Dh took her out once so the other one could get on with housework. I honestly found that enough with a few bits in the evenings. We couldn't afford a cleaner so we just muddle through.

Late to the thread but absolutely you can have children (even young ones) and a career. I know two doctors that split their working week so they are the equivalent of 1.0 FTE but work different days (one does Mon/Tues, one does Weds/Thurs/Fri) - so there is always someone at home with the children. They are both consultants, it's not hampered their career at all.

I work more hours (45 in one hospital / 10 in a second / 24h on call shifts as roster dictates) with a DH who works part time from home, school hours and relieves us of random sickness and holiday care worries. I would say we do about 75:25 in terms of keeping the home running - we outsource cleaning once a week for a thorough deep clean, but DH keeps on top of it in the week, does the laundry, all school stuff, grocery shop, dog walks, etc. I spend my time out of work either cooking (because I enjoy it) or playing games with the boys. We don't iron, the boys do their fair share of chores (in exchange for screen time) and we share a hobby as a family that takes up most evenings in the week.

It's entirely possible to have both a job/career that you love and a family, but it's easier with a partner that is prepared to pull their weight.

Our family is role reversed compared to most people though and I recognise that I don't do as much around the house as a lot of working parents because DH picks up most of the slack. I only cook because I enjoy it - if I didn't, then he would do that too.

Star....let's ignore for a second your ridiculous entitlement to judge others and your ability to jump from a singular statement to a crass generalisation in a single bound worthy of superman himself but here's a kicker.....it depends what you do for a living....I assure you being with my children in the morning and evening , trying to ensure I parent them not just look after them , then spend all day at a extremely challenging fast paced environment is so far from the easy way out its not even funny

I have huge respect for sahm as well as working mums whether full or part time....it all has validity

But from reading your posts you clearly wouldn't last an hour in my job (partly because it requires you to have an open mind and be the opposite of judgemental ignorance)

Darlin....you come play with the big girls who work their ass off being both a mother and a professional , or with the sahm who work their ass off and you may learn not to blithely state any other mother is taking the easy way out

Until you can do that pipe down in the cheap seats

The easy option is to just go out to a 9-5 and do no child rearing ( i know because I did do it temporarily before I came to the realisation that my kids are more important in their early years)

is it? Because I have done both and disagree. When I was mat leave, it was hard work. When I was at work. It was hard work.

In my personal situation, we didn't use nursery full time. Me and dh were able to sort working patterns where we the kids went to nursery 9-4 2 days a week and the rest they were with one of us.

Both kids are in school and neither go to before or after school care. Although Dd goes to a school with loads of clubs so stays an extra hour each day out of choice.

I still think you are talking bollocks.

Judging other women for their parenting choices (and not men) is one of the most anti feminist things you can do. We have choices that our parents or grandparents don't. But, according to you, only one choice is right.

Being at home during the day, does not make you a good mum or a good person. I have known plenty of sahms in my time that weren't good parents. I have known working mums who weren't good parents. I have known sahms who are great and working mums who are great.

These choices do not determine wether you are a good parent or not.

Judging other women, makes you a fairly shitty person though.

You dodged the question about men though. Do you think your dh is a bad parent for working during the day? And only doing the 'easy' bit?

As a pp said above I do think it's possible to work part time and maintain a career, probably easier if you're already fairly senior before you have kids though, and likely industry dependent. I feel lucky that I have a great job that includes flexible and home working, and I have the same responsibilities as the rest of my team (all senior and fairly autonomous) even though I'm the only one part time (3 days). I employ a nanny for 2 days and my parents help the other, plus I have a cleaner once a week. I realise not everyone has this choice and I'm lucky. Even with all this help it has been hard though and I do feel guilty about not being with the kids all the time, but at the same time I love my job and the extra money earnt gives us more choices as a family. If you are struggling with FT could you, or your husband, consider going part time for a while? The days I have at home aren't easier but I think they make me appreciate work more and vice versa being at work makes me appreciate my time with the kids more. It definitely isn't true that it isn't possible to do a professional career part time. Good luck with whatever you decide. Being a parent to young children is tough whether you work or not! Trying to write this while being climbed on by 2 small boys so apologise if it isn't the most coherent...,