AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a mum to a toddler

[firstimer30s]

I love my job and I love my baby. I love my DH (when he doesn't drive me crazy) but sometimes I want to pack it all in, sit at home making organic food crap and knitting booties.
I feel like I have zero time to myself and like doing a good job 9-5 is impossible, then getting home and bathing toddler, having dinner etc...zaps all my energy.
I feel like I'm just racing against the clock and like I never have a second to myself, apart from when I'm asleep.
DH does 'help' but he works more than full time too and basically, he's the 'support role' while I do most of the laundry, cooking and toddler caring.
AIBU to think it's possible to have a career and kids or should I just stop trying so f-ing hard and go part-time/ jack it all in

We now do about a 60/40 split. But once dd goes to school i suspect that will become more 70/30 as I will have my day off to do house work whereas his Saturday will be spent doing what he can round the house whilst looking after dd

Could you reduce to 3 days a week and remain in your current post? I think you would definitely feel like you have more time at home while retaining the " grown up" aspect of your life - social interactions with colleagues, brain work etc while maintaining an income. I have worked roughly these hours since my DD was 1 and they've suited me well. I would say my career options within the organisation are slightly more restricted but only because of the nature of my work isn't always family friendly. I am starting a new job shortly ( dd starts school) and will increase to 4 days per week but reduce to 3 again in school holidays. With the extra money I'll have I'll employ a cleaner so will not need to spend all my precious free time on chores. I agree though that division of labour can be very trying and sometimes it's the "thinking" that's the most exhausting.

first yes we have always been 50/50 as soon as I started to work again/study.
Yes the shift has been very hard for DH and in some ways, it probably drive us to the edge of divorce. But we got through and he is a much much better father for it.
Even HE would agree with that and would now say that it's totally normal for fathers to be that involved. He thought that too before TBH. It's the implementation that has been hard

Once they go to school, of its state school then you have the money that you were spending on nursery back to go towards cm or nanny or clubs and holiday clubs that will help with working week although no easier on you if you worry about spending time with them but actually no different to now.

The world we live in now is not the same as previous generations. Since the 80s it feels like gradually two working parents has become more common and now becoming the norm due to finances and opportunities. We're still trying to figure out how it all works where as before we had decades of examples, advice and knowledge to just follow. And many of us sahp feel a bit lost too, like we're missing out as we know what it is like to be a part of that world which 70 years ago wasn't available to some degree men and even more so women. Foes that make sense or am I just waffling? It's the baby boomers that created this amazing world of opportunity we live in. Blame them!

My DP doesn't do 50/50 - he does bedtime, he cooks a fair bit, he'll stick a load of washing on or do some shopping, but he'll also leave his dirty socks on the floor, he won't unpack the shopping/put away after his cooking, he rarely helps in the morning, and he hasn't got a clue what the kids are doing every day. ie. he's not bad, but not great.

I will say that I still find it stressful (I have one at school, one not old enough yet), and I would jump at dropping to 4 days if it became a possibility, but, before cleaner and nanny I was angry the whole time because I was doing everything.

I felt the same so stopped work. I miss it but it is the best thing for our whole family. DH earns so much more than I did that concentrating on his career by allowing him to travel and work long hours was the right decision. I will return to work and possibly retrain eventually once kids are older. Long term I want to show DD that women do important jobs too and my skills are such that I think retraining should be possible even with 5-6 years out of the workplace. It is a very individual decision though.

Out of interest you say DH work's "more than full time". What do you mean by that? 41 hours or 80? Could he cut down or is that not really possible in his line of work?

Btw, ease don't listen to people on here and think
Well everyone works part time/has given up their career/is saying its unmanageable so there is no way I can do that.

You need to find what works for you. Don't be tempted to think that if most people have chosen to give their career, that means you have too.

Personally, i think that if men can mange to keep their career, then women should be able to too.
I can't see why on earth I should make all the sacrifices, put my own wellbeing on the line and not my DH.
And not working as much will put my wellbeing on the line. It has affected my pension, my earning potential, my financial independance, my ability to say 'stuff you, I can stand on my two feet!' If I wanted to.
It has affected my MH because, let's face it, being at home all day does nothing for me.
And it has negatively impacted the dcs because they didn't get the opportunity to build a strong relationship with their dad as he was there on 'stand by' to help if really needed. And you only build strong relationship when you get down to it and get your hands dirty. And easy life and less interaction also means a relationship that isn't as strong unfortunately.

Branofthemist, you are totally right. I don't really want to be a SAHM, I'm just knackered.

In that case don't do it. You will en up resenting him more. If you split, what will you do then?

You being a sahm, when you don't want to, isn't resolving the issue. Which is your dh.

And yes, my dh does everything with the kids I would. This week he has done most of it. My grandad has a massive stroke, became paralysed and died 2 days later. I have been pretty rubbish all week. He found it easy to take over the bits I do because he is so hands on.

The kids don't know any different. Their homework still done, cakes taken for summer fayre, snacks for end of term parties, school planners signed, kids showered and reading done.

Absolutely Everything especially my ability to say 'stuff you, I can stand on my two feet!' If I wanted to Not that I particularly intend to, but it gives me such a base of strength to know that I can.

Can I add, if you're having equality issues, then make sure that every now and then you spend a few days away. It makes all the difference to remind DP that the kids are his too, that he needs to know where the PE kits are kept - even if it hasn't worked to get me complete 50/50 yet.

What interests me is that there seems to be no middle ground. There seems to be stressful careers or part-time give up your career jobs. It is possible to have a job you love, that gives you a good income but doesn't cause crazy levels of stress. That was what I wanted. I didn't want something part time, or that was just a job. I wanted something I loved and would enjoy doing but that I could leave at the office at 5 and not keep working all evening. That's what I have found. There is a middle ground out there.

I feel for you op. It is very difficult to manage it all. I find it so very depressing how many dhs refuse to do their fair share at home, and so restricting chances for so many women. I'm a lone parent and work ft, xp does fuck all parenting, but I think it is still marginally better than having to live with the inequality in my home every day :-(

It's hard, but totally doable. I went to work after both kids, DH did his best around the house but he was commuting and working longer hours so practically it was impossible to share 50/50.

It worked out OK in the end, my career has gone well, but it's not been easy when they were toddlers and it's still not easy. Some things are easier now that dcs are a bit older, but others are harder - holidays, after school club finishes earlier than nursery, higher level of involvement with their school life, homework, playdates. But for us it was totally worth it.

I think both options are hard (I've been both- working was a nice break but more organised and deadlines etc/SAHM tiring as hell but no strict structure to day) so you need to pick the one you would enjoy the most, which sounds like working. Your DH needs to pull his weight more to make it easier for you.

DH cooks healthier meals than me... he used to do no telly too.

Muskateer YY to that.

And I suspect that it's only a stressful job because the woman is still tried to do two full time jobs on her own, her job and then a SAHM job, aka all the HW, running around the dcs etc...

It isn't easy and I think it'll get harder when DC start school. I have a thread going on that very subject

While DC are still at nursery, I just about make life work by working 80%, having a cleaner who also does ironing, lowering housekeeping standards and ensuring DH does his bit on weekends.

But I'm worried about what it'll be like when they start school!

I find it hard and my OH is really good around the house and with parenting our son.

I've dropped down to 4 days a week and it's much easier now.

As someone who's chosen to give up my job and stay home with toddlers I can tell you categorically that I don't sit at home 'knitting booties' and 'making organic baby food crap'. Giving up your job will buy you precisely no extra time to yourself. On the bright side you do seem to have time to make sweepingly misogynistic statements on the internet so it's not all bad.

your title asks "is it stupid". No it is not stupid, it is unrealistic unless you have a partner who willingly shares the non-work stuff or agrees to outside help.

I was raised in the generation that gave up work when children came along. Looking at my own children, one is a SAHM, one works part time, and one works full time. Both my sons are shift workers and do equal child care and domestic chores. My full time DiL pays for a cleaner. My daughter who is a SAHM takes on most of the domestic stuff because her DH is not in a position to help. Each couple have found the solution that works for. Them.

I do not know how anyone can stay sane when trying to be a full time worker and take on the majority of domestic work. If you enjoy your career, and you cannot persuade your partner to take his fare share, then, In my opinion outside help is essential.

Yes you're right. You can't do it all, not for long anyway something will give eventually. And life's too short to be so busy that you miss it!

Erm, you do realise OP that one can have both a career and part time working hours? They're not mutually exclusive. Although I must say that I don't have a minute to myself either. Not sure there's a way to achieve that with toddlers. If there is, I've yet to crack it.

And obviously don't give up work. You don't want to, and it wouldn't achieve any of the things you'd want it to achieve anyway.

"AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a dad to a toddler" sounds fucking ridiculous, so why would you say it about being a mum? It's attitudes like this that mean women continue to be the default carer, cleaner, cook and taxi-driver. Men are not agonising over whether their kids are eating spiralised veggies (you should have chucked it at her, OP) or if they can have it all.

But then, I've always been happy to delegate the chores of parenthood to DH when necessary, and vice versa.