AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a mum to a toddler

[firstimer30s]

I love my job and I love my baby. I love my DH (when he doesn't drive me crazy) but sometimes I want to pack it all in, sit at home making organic food crap and knitting booties.
I feel like I have zero time to myself and like doing a good job 9-5 is impossible, then getting home and bathing toddler, having dinner etc...zaps all my energy.
I feel like I'm just racing against the clock and like I never have a second to myself, apart from when I'm asleep.
DH does 'help' but he works more than full time too and basically, he's the 'support role' while I do most of the laundry, cooking and toddler caring.
AIBU to think it's possible to have a career and kids or should I just stop trying so f-ing hard and go part-time/ jack it all in

I could've written your post OP.

DH and I both work ft. We have one DC in school and one toddler in nursery.

We have no help and no spare money to outsource any. Everything is split between us 50:50 and we have precious little spare time for fun life stuff.

We can't afford to take a drop in either of our salaries so for now, we're both treading water in our careers until there's a bit of breathing room and we can ramp up the momentum again.

My career has torpedoed since coming back from mat leave. I've made no progress in two years. It really saddens me actually but I chose a career where, in order to do well, you have to be able to work until midnight and network at drinks, etc.

I'd never see my family.

My feelings on it are that I can't do both, there will always be compromise on one or the other, or both. I've just returned to work after a year on Mat leave, and feeling it quite acutely. I think we are the generation that have been sold the idea that we can 'have it all', but I'm not so sure we can, actually, now I've tried it out.

I don't want to work full time and miss the majority of my DD's childhood, yet I don't want to miss out on the career opportunities that were opening to me before starting a family and when I was full time. Something has to give unfortunately.

This comment actually made me sign up to net mums. How harsh! some mums have no option and have to work to pay the bills! Hopefully their children will benefit from
having hard working parents who probably relish every minute spent with their children.

Sorry this was meant to go somewhere else! First time posting on net mums

I think it's the nature of having small children. I'm at home with a baby and toddler at the moment. I also don't get a moment for myself. I think what you're craving is adult me time, which realistically can only come from your DH taking more solo responsibility for the kids while you have a break. This would be true whether you work or not. So maybe try going out once a week and having a free morning while DH looks after the kids and see if it helps?

It is possible, but you can't look after the H as well.
I find it concerning that your attempts to discuss the home workload lead to huge arguments. He is shutting you down because he likes exploiting your labour. He is using the arguments to silence you.

I was in a similar situation - just broken from the constant triangular pressure of two children, demanding job, and partner who doesn't do domestic, administrative or emotional labour. Tacitly, not entirely aware that this is what I chose, I chose to lose the partner. (it wasn't exactly a choice as if I dropped work to devote myself to our home and relationship, we couldn't have lived on his salary anyway.)

I am not saying ltb. BUT. if you have repeatedly tried and failed to get him to take your labour and time seriously, and he is punishing you for these attempts with huge rows, then you can get cleaners and babysitters all you like, you're just band-aiding. Do so if you want to - prop the relationship up with hired help, thinking you can address his sexism and lack of respect for you later - but do not give up your job. You need the job.

Both lawyers and you can't afford a cleaner wejamm ? I understand childcare costs, but even so..
DH and I nowhere near as well paid as you (I imagine) but a cleaner/ironer was a non negotiable .

There have been several of these threads recently - and they inevitably end up pissing me off! There is no absolute reasonable/unreasonable about these sorts of things - basically, everyone's own situation is different and they choose the best course for them and for their family. This is more often than not down to financial circumstances. So - I am a SAHM because we have no worries at all about money, my DH has a high stress and unpredictable job which requires frequent travel. Had I gone back to work, I too would have had a high stress and unpredictable job which required frequent travel. So - for us - it made more sense for me to be with our kids. Does that make me feel superior to friends who went back FT because they needed to in order to pay the mortgage? Of course not. I feel lucky to have had a genuine choice, but I appreciate my good fortune in that.

So - why is it okay for people to say - and I quote verbatim - that being a SAHM is akin to being "a parasite", "lazy", "a poor role model" etc etc? It certainly wouldn't be okay for me to sit and criticise the lesser amount of time that a WOHM spends with her child. And it is the equivalent - you are judging someone else's position with very little knowledge of their personal family set up.

For what it's worth, I know people where:

• Dad works and mum is a SAHM
• Mum works and dad is a SAHD
• Both work full time
• Both work part time
• Mum works full time and dad works part time
• Dad works full time and mum works part time
• Both mum and dad stay at home

...and all of these families seem happy and are doing the best for them and their children.

And I'm not being a Pollyanna - I just think these are pointless debates!

It's not just about affordability always.

Sometimes women have ambitions, and these aspirations are an integral part of who they are - as a mother, as a daughter, as a partner. Not in a clawey way that ambitious women are of the pet rayed but in a truly passionate about their field of work way.

My research defines me. It's who I am. My baby's mum is a researcher. Yes I contribute 51% of our household salary! but irrespective of that, from when I was a little girl till right now, I have had one passion, and being an academic/researcher makes me who I am. If I had to give that up, I cannot begin to imagine what a shit mum I would be.

The toddler years are tough with 2 full time jobs. Maddening even. But it will pass. In a couple of years things will get so much easier. I wouldn't advise you to quit at all. Just work out some solutions with your DH, let your standards drop a bit, compromise on the small stuff and time will fly past. Once they are 4+ things get so much simpler and make it all worth it!
After DD1 I was full time in her toddler years. Hard work but kept my career on a good track. After DD2 I am now part time. Can't do full time with 1 toddler and another working towards 11+. But I can see my career stagnating badly. But I have reconciled to 'keep the light on' for now so that I can get back to full time in a few years and get cracking on my career.
I have low standards in housework, a cleaner, a random cook, clothes dryer, Ocado for groceries, Amazon prime for everything else, a school bus for DD1 & a childminder at my doorstep for DD2. Takes an effort to keep my job, but so worth it!

I am sole carer to my DC and work full time in a really demanding job. I am always tired, always the last parent picking up from nursery/after school club, too tired to play properly after working all day then making tea etc, and I do wonder frequently whether I am making the right choices and whether I am doing this all wrong.

It's so hard to get right, isn't it? I want the income to provide DC with stuff and holidays and activities and toys. But what DC would probably prefer is me playing with them instead. And not in a half arsed manner. And I want the DC to see mum working hard, in a good career and see that that is what women do. But then, they will also remember mum missing assemblies, sports day, and being the last kid left in after school club.

When DS was a toddler was the time that DH was buggering off to Asia and South America every few weeks. He was barely contactable some days as was in a bloody jungle or in a boat on the Amazon.

I still worked FT with a hellish commute and no family within 250 miles. Look at his efficiently you manage your time that's always been my saving grace, real speed.

He sulks when you bring up housework? Tear him a new one. I would refuse to do anything for him at all.

I think you have to get to a position where it works for you.

I would love to work full time, to be honest I don't even think about the kids when I'm at work but when I am at home I enjoy that too and don't think about work. It's like I have a split personality. That's why i have a bit of both.