AIBU to think its stupid to try and have a career while being a mum to a toddler

[firstimer30s]

I love my job and I love my baby. I love my DH (when he doesn't drive me crazy) but sometimes I want to pack it all in, sit at home making organic food crap and knitting booties.
I feel like I have zero time to myself and like doing a good job 9-5 is impossible, then getting home and bathing toddler, having dinner etc...zaps all my energy.
I feel like I'm just racing against the clock and like I never have a second to myself, apart from when I'm asleep.
DH does 'help' but he works more than full time too and basically, he's the 'support role' while I do most of the laundry, cooking and toddler caring.
AIBU to think it's possible to have a career and kids or should I just stop trying so f-ing hard and go part-time/ jack it all in

Yes it is possible. Mine are 7 and 17 now and I have a fulfilling professional career.

I'll write more later (I'm meant to be working!) but wanted to mark my place.

I think it's very difficult when you are starting your career or early into a career. It seems almost impossible to get a part time job in those circumstances.

i agree to that, if I'd had DC 5-10 years earlier, my work life would be much harder due to having much less experience and I wouldn't be as attractive to employers to negotiate more home working etc. Blanket messages are always of limited use.

Yes it's possible. I have a toddler and work full time but in 4 days (ie compressed hours). Things that make it manageable:

• our nursery is about 100m away from our house so nursery drop offs and pick ups barely take 10 mins.

- we have a cleaner who comes once a week.

• everything, including food shopping is bought online and I do the 'shopping' during my commute on the bus.
• DH takes DS to nursery (I start work early) and I pick up.
• DH cooks while I do bath and bed.
• I do some freezing of home-made food for DS but also not precious about feeding him ready meals
• I go to bed early as I'm up so early

It depends very much on your line of work, I think. Some jobs are inherently much more PT suitable and/or friendly than others. There seem to be advantages and disadvantages to doing it older and younger. Same with gaps. FWIW, I had mine aged somewhere in the middle and am generally torn about whether it's the best or worst of both worlds. I've experienced the early 30s pick up a lot of people get, but would find it fascinating to see how my career would've panned out had I left it later.

I wouldn't pack my job especially if you love it. It's your outlet. Can you look into having a cleaner once a week? Suddenly not having to do the housework will feel liberating.

And yes you can have a career whilst having a toddler. I do, working 40h a week, single with a 5 year old. I would hate it being at home.

YY starutopia what is the point? Not much point in having a husband/partner/wife/friends either really is there? Unless you're going to give up work to see each other in the daytime, of course. Evenings and weekends and holidays are null and void.

What a stupid thing to say.

YY starutopia what is the point? Not much point in having a husband/partner/wife/friends either really is there? Unless you're going to give up work to see each other in the daytime, of course. Evenings and weekends and holidays are null and void.

What a stupid thing to say.

is Star not allowed to have an opinion???

I work FT, went back to work FT when both DC were 6 month's

and I take NO offence or umbrage at her comments

people can have opinions that go against the grain sheesh

Its very hard for our generation OP, as we do FT stressful and demanding roles and we still have a significant role child rearing

I AM FUCKING EXHAUSTED. and see no end in sight. sob

I don't think it's remotely stupid, but it depends what you want in the long-term.

In general, I would say my friends who are the happiest, and I include myself in this, are those who work full-time in career type jobs, because although the early years were super-stressful in terms of juggling, it really pays off later on when you have pre-teens and teens who are more interested in going out with their friends than clinging to your leg. You then have an interesting job, have got promoted and so forth. I also think that if you work f/t it usually forces more of a gender balance in the couple, although this isn't the case for you, and also the mums I know who work also travel, see friends, go away every now and again more, as their husbands are used to sole care by this time.

This is a huge generalization, though, and if you don't want that type of career job, or it's not really your thing, this would be not the path to follow!

Practically, if you like your job and want to keep going with it, there is a whole heap of stuff you can do to make things easier, my cleaner does both cleaning and ironing and it has made things much more doable these past few months and I feel less chaotic than when I was trying to do everything myself.

stop opinions are fine but I find hers offensive. I also work FT and think that there are still plenty of reasons to have children. I still raise my child.

I work, I go to the gym, I parent my child, I am a wife and a friend. It doesn't make me superior or inferior.

I do sometimes wonder if a career would have been worth it. I didn't particularly have one before though, like everyone, I worked f/t. I totally get it when you say when both work f/t, there's often more of a gender balance.

I'm the one who took a step back and now I'm the one doing all the donkey work in the house and a donkey job, too, with increased hours at that and I'm still stuck being a donkey. At least, if my job had been interesting, it might feel more worth it.

Trouble is, I need to retrain now and it's difficult to find the time or money and I'm not sure when that will be or if it's even worth it at my age.

Why would you think people telling star she's talking shit is tantamount to them saying she shouldn't have an opinion?

I think you need a big bit of paper and a pen.

what needs to be done
how often does it need to be done
who is going to do it
can it be made easier (like batch cooking, menu planning, online shopping, washing in machine before work so it can be hung out after etc)

then divvy it up. He might not be so argumentative if he sees it in black and white.

gandalf it's never too late, have a post on the back to work section and see what ideas people have for you. I agree, my DH didn't step up much with dc1, I found having a dc2 helped as we hit a crisis point when i went back to work with dc2 and he had to step up. It helped that I earn decent money, he couldn't argue (very often) with any veracity that my earnings aren't important.

This sounds like my dilemma at the moment. I work 3 days a week & 2 from home very draining, although mines not really a career as such I've been there 10yrs and convenient, I could never afford to give up work but sometimes just feel so exhausted by it all. My husband is very lazy and basically does no chores unless I constantly nag which I'm fed up of doing.

Thanks Munch

Well, millions and millions of women do combine careers and motherhood, so I wouldn't say it stupid. Whether the effort involved is worthwhile is up to the individual.

Personally I would take the long view vis a vis independence, pension, etc. instead of making decisions based on the first tough five years. But that is not for everyone.

OP I'm going to be generous and believe that you didn't mean to be quite so insulting to a) all the women on here who do have children and a career, as well as b) all the sahm who apparently sit at home making organic crap and knitting.

You have a 9-5 job, ONE toddler and partner. Get yourself a multi-vitamin, an organisation app, and buck up. And remember all the women who have it much harder.

It really does depend on how much DH can help out. And yes you can split chores 50:50 if he's there (my husband travelled lots or was home at 10pm so no help). Agree it gets harder when they go to school. Do you know what you can't split!? All the 'thinking' and 'organising'. One person (usually the women) needs to be thinking, do we all have clean clothes, is there enough food, when is the school trip, whose birthday is it this week, do I have a present, etc etc. You can't split this or outsource it.

I don't agree with Star being goady, however I chose to stop my full time job as I couldn't deal with just seeing my kids for about half an hour each day..Weekends were spent doing chores, there was no family time. Full time did not work for me..

user1468 not very helpful at all when the OP came on here, clearly struggling, and looking for advice. Of course we are all lucky that there are (generally) people who have it harder than us, but that doesn't mean we can't also find things hard sometimes.

This question seems to come up all the time and it drives me bonkers.

Yes you can. Just as millions of men have been able to do for many, many, many years (and some women, of course).

The issue is that it's almost always the mother as the main carer/managing the household with the father in the "support" role. In that situation, I'm not really sure it is possible to have both family and career. If the balance at home is more equal or the father takes on the lion's share, then yes I think it can happen.

Ells, my advice is good advice.

Hmmmm

I feel your pain because I am in similar boat - trying to have a more than full time professional job, have a toddler Ds and older DD.

I feel my problem fitting it in was my stbxh and not the fact of having a tricky job (though obviously getting reliable child care can be hard if not on a massive wage).

Now am juggling both with trying to sort out divorce.