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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 1 identical twin & not the other

216 replies

IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 16:53

I have identical twin boys, 9 years old and at pick up today, a Mum I don't really know was handing out party invites to parents, she handed me one invite & I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be for both boys.

I got home and the invite was addressed to only one child, I thought perhaps it was an error and texted the number to ask if the invite was just for DS1 and the unexpected reply was yes. Confused

My DTs are in the same class and from their replies barely know the child, so I'm not even sure why one received an invite at all. The party is at a swimming pool with a float etc but their's no way that I'm letting one go & not the other. Am I the only one that finds it really odd and slightly rude that she'd only invite the one .

In my honest opinion DS2 would have been the clever choice Wink

OP posts:
Notmuchtosay1 · 14/07/2016 19:17

One of my sons has a very close friend that is a twin. We often invite the one he gets on with and not the other. He doesn't get on with the other so well. Mum of said twins is always pleased as she spends time with the other one.
I think it's reasonable to invite one as long as only a few children were invited. It would be very different if all the boys in the class were invited and one left out.

CdeS · 14/07/2016 19:35

I am a mother of twin boys (12years old) and I always welcomed separate invitations as it is quite difficult to have one twin to oneself for a longish period of time. Rather than seeing it as one missing out, both can have a lovely time doing different things and you get it too. I think it is important they develop their own individuality and important for us as parents to spend time with each of them.

robinia · 14/07/2016 20:29

Even though your boys don't seem to know the birthday boy particularly well, maybe there is something about your DS1 that makes the birthday boy want him to be a friend. The fact he is more boisterous and outgoing could be a positive thing for the birthday boy.
My ds has friends who are twins and he gets on much better with the quieter twin. If numbers were an issue his mother would have no problem with the quiet twin being invited and not the noisy one.

swelchphr · 14/07/2016 20:50

YANBU it's rude. I don't care if the birthday child only likes one of them, I feel it would be my job as his mum so help him understand how this would make the other child feel.

Elismum669 · 14/07/2016 21:12

Op what do your DTs think about the situation?

whois · 14/07/2016 21:17

YANBU it's rude. I don't care if the birthday child only likes one of them, I feel it would be my job as his mum so help him understand how this would make the other child feel.

Do you think the same thing about siblings? Siblings can be less than 1 year apart. What about sibliblings a bit further apart? Or boy/girl twins?

giraffe13 · 14/07/2016 21:23

If this is the first time it's happened I can understand your anxiety. My twins are ten and it has happened only once or twice and each time it breaks my heart as I feel sad for the excluded one. They are at a small school and have a small group of friends. I always chat with the uninvited one and check they are ok with it and generally its them reassuring me that it's ok.
You have to let them grow into their own lil people. I find mine don't get invited on play dates much as people don't want two kids at a time so I always stress they aren't a package deal. If he wants to go let him and do something fun with the other.
I'm dreading secondary..what happens if they get allocated separate schools???

swelchphr · 14/07/2016 21:46

Whois - If they are in the same class (and in this case the mum was handing out invitations at school) as these children are, yes, they would both receive an invitation. I think it's rude to single out one of them to get the shaft. Even as adults, it can be hurtful to deliberately be left out of something your co-workers, friends, or teammates are doing. Now imagine if that happened and you were 9.

SammyAmmy · 14/07/2016 22:02

ConfusedI feel for you IceBoleyn as I can see you were merely asking a question and it seems like a lot of people are bring unnecessarily harsh. I bet some of these people wouldn't be as rude to your face!
I get what you're saying and agree about it being strange because neither of the twins are close to this boy but the boy may feel differently. It may be a good learning for when they're older and start to be more independent of each other.
Have fun with you son Smile

Marysunshine · 14/07/2016 22:36

Seriously weird that you expect two individuals to be treated as one - almost creepy. How far and for how long does this 'treat them as one' go?

LadyLannister · 14/07/2016 23:34

YABU, it's really rude to expect the other mum to invite both twins when her son only wanted to invite one of them - they're individuals and should be treated as such.

I am also a parent of twins and there's nothing worse than them being treated as a set. I feel terrible when parents invite both to a party just because they're twins and I know that only one of them is really close to the birthday child, so I make a point of telling the parent that there's no need to invite both.

PizzaFlavouredCupcake · 15/07/2016 06:40

YABU the twins have separate lives, so you can't expect them to do everything together. I have a twin, and for many things only 1 of us were invited. It was normally her so that was a bit annoying but in the long run I'm more than happy to be treated like a separate person

McSmith · 15/07/2016 07:01

We have 5 sets of twins in my son's year group (just finishing year 2) and all of their parents actively encourage separate invitations for parties, play dates etc. They say it not only helps foster their own children's independence from one another, but allows others to see their children as individuals rather than as part of a set. But if I intended to invite one without the other I'd still check with the parent first, so I don't think this has been handled very well on either side tbh.

happybee1 · 15/07/2016 16:14

YABU, I have twins the same age as yours and they never get invited to the same parties. In the beginning I did find it unusual but now I just know it is the norm. I actually think it's quite good that they have totally different friends and think it should be encouraged as they are 2 different people not part of an inseparable group. My school would not allow them to be in the same class, which again I was wary about in the beginning but can now absolutely see why. One twin is generally bought to collect the other from the party x

pollymere · 15/07/2016 16:31

It depends on your twins. Although did you say is the invite just for A or ask if it included B, explaing they were twins? The former implies younger siblings so might have led to confusion. I work in a school and there are twins I didn't even realize were twins for over a term. They generally have their own groups of friends and some barely acknowledge the other. If they're nine and independent then it may be that they start to get invites that exclude the other. If there was a three year gap you wouldn't have reacted like that.

happybee1 · 15/07/2016 16:35

Staghunter, does it not worry you that their classmates see them as a pair?

I am pleased that op has decided to let one twin go but I would find it rude to text to ask if the other twin was invited.

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