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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 1 identical twin & not the other

216 replies

IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 16:53

I have identical twin boys, 9 years old and at pick up today, a Mum I don't really know was handing out party invites to parents, she handed me one invite & I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be for both boys.

I got home and the invite was addressed to only one child, I thought perhaps it was an error and texted the number to ask if the invite was just for DS1 and the unexpected reply was yes. Confused

My DTs are in the same class and from their replies barely know the child, so I'm not even sure why one received an invite at all. The party is at a swimming pool with a float etc but their's no way that I'm letting one go & not the other. Am I the only one that finds it really odd and slightly rude that she'd only invite the one .

In my honest opinion DS2 would have been the clever choice Wink

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 12/07/2016 17:16

I've got identical twins. Not a problem in my opinion. Its good for them, surely?

MyUserNameWasShit · 12/07/2016 17:17

Yabu

Your DC don't have to do everything together. I'm surprised you haven't come across this before

CrystalMcPistol · 12/07/2016 17:19

YABU

They're separate people so should of course be allowed to do things separately. They're not going to have the same social circle all their lives are they?

Original poster
IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 17:21

Wow, that is really not the replies I was expecting Shock

My DTs tend to do 95% of everything together, I think it's just one hobby that they don't share but they're very different, so easy to see them as individuals.

They've never only had 1 party invite though, even if one twin is closer to a friend they both get an invite, I just thought that was the done thing.

I think it would be horrid to let DS1 go & not DS2 but I'm not completely against letting it happen.

OP posts:
CrystalMcPistol · 12/07/2016 17:21

I'd understand if they were 3yo and one twin might feel confused and a bit put out about not being able to attend a party with his brother. But 9 year olds? Nah.

LunaLoveg00d · 12/07/2016 17:22

their's no way that I'm letting one go & not the other

That's the only thing that's weird and odd. You have two children, they are not joined at the hip and it's healthy that they do things separately.

wheresthel1ght · 12/07/2016 17:23

Not entirely sure why them being identical is even an issue but YABU.

Perhaps party kid has spoken to one ds more than the other/ wants to be friends with one not the other.

Unless there is some reason why the physically cannot be separated then YABU

MyUserNameWasShit · 12/07/2016 17:23

I'd take it as an opportunity for you and the uninvited twin to do something nice together alone

Original poster
IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 17:25

2nd, "Why would DS2 be 'The clever choice'? Is he your favourite?" Are you insane, that's horrid. DS2 would be the clever choice was said in a jokey manner, hence the wink. I just meant that DS1 can be very loud, boisterous etc and DS2 is very timid, just the clever choice if your inviting a load of kids to a party.

I just thought it was rude, to invite 1 twin & not the other, their's no need to go wild & foam at the mouth people, chill out a bit.

OP posts:
DiddlySqeak · 12/07/2016 17:26

Most parents of twins are keen for them to be treated as individuals so I think YABU

The party boy presumably wants one boy at the party and not the other. If your boys always hang out together perhaps he deliberately wants one on there own.

ClownsToTheLeftOfMe · 12/07/2016 17:26

I have twins. They've always understood (and been perfectly ok with) the fact that they don't do everything together and that goes for parties as much as anything else. They're two entirely different people. Some friends are mutual, many more are not.

DiddlySqeak · 12/07/2016 17:29

I'm curious why you think it was rude to only invite one of your sons.

ADishBestEatenCold · 12/07/2016 17:29

Is the whole class invited with the exception of one of your twins?

If not, is it possible that the birthday child was told that he/she could invite x number of friends, so chose x children that he/she liked best?

"In my honest opinion DS2 would have been the clever choice "

Why? Do you think DS2 is the better friend?

TellAStory · 12/07/2016 17:29

My dd (11) is friends with one of a set of identical twins, for her recent birthday she was allowed to invite 3 friends along for an activity and food. One of the invited friends was the twin and it wasn't an issue at all, they are going to comp soon and the twins have requested to be in different classes.
I think YABU, if one twin was the only child in the class not invited that would be an issue but it sounds as though only some of the class have been invited along. I think you need to accept that this is going to happen, the boys are old enough to understand.

DiddlySqeak · 12/07/2016 17:29

Their not there

user1467101855 · 12/07/2016 17:30

But you haven't said WHY it would be rude. Would you invite a child and not their brother, if the brother was a year older? Of course you would. So why would it be rude to not invite one boys brother just because they are the same age?

GreatFuckability · 12/07/2016 17:30

When my son was inviting a few friends for his birthday a few years back, he was adamant he only wanted one of the twins in his class to come, as he was only friends with that boy. i don't see the big deal.

ADishBestEatenCold · 12/07/2016 17:32

"Why? Do you think DS2 is the better friend?"

Cross posted, I see you have already said why you think DS2 would have been the clever choice.

RandomMess · 12/07/2016 17:33

I think YABU

The birthday child chose who he wanted to invite and clearly more affinity to DS1 than DS2. I certainly think that this sort of thing I going to become the new norm as they get older.

See it as an opportunity to have one on one time with DS2 whilst DS1 is at the party?

Original poster
IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 17:36

I think it's rude because if their was a set of siblings in the same year/class, I would invite them. I wouldn't just leave one out, I honestly didn't think that that was the norm.

Since you all feel so strongly, I'll let DS1 go, I still think it's rude though.

OP posts:
FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 12/07/2016 17:38

We are planning DD's birthday and only wanted to invite one of a pair of twins as they are in separate classes and friendship groups. I checked with their mum beforehand if they was ok but now I'm panicing I've been unutterably rude!

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 12/07/2016 17:40

A bit puzzling. Your twins don't have identical personalities but as they're so young I'd have expected both to be asked. As you don't know the mother very well maybe it's a good idea to decline.
As a twin myself I would advise that you try to get your boys involved in activities separately and together so that they both have sets of friends. It's been said that twins don't need friends as they've got each other but I think that this is unhealthy and it's unhelpful if either of them are shy.

EweAreHere · 12/07/2016 17:40

I know lots of sets of twins, and a set of triplets, and many have had to be in the same classes due to single intakes. And most have their own friends, and they hang out with different people, and they are frequently invited to parties separately. Especially the mixed sets, boy/girl twins.That's normal, and frankly, should be encouraged. They are individuals.

It's not rude at all. People like different people; kids make their own friends, or live in hopes of making their own friends. As long as the whole class wasn't invited except 1, or all the boys except 1, etc., nothing rude about it at all.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 12/07/2016 17:40

Parties from 8/9ish on tend to be a smaller number doing more expensive per child activities

Parties prior to 8 are often more kids doing cheaper stuff (running around a hall or bouncy castle) so of course they were both invited in the past., that's not going to happen now when the parties are smaller but more pricier per child, get used to it!

We always welcomed siblings to the big hall hire babyish childrens parties when DDs were little, but now that they want to do more expensive proper activities, hell no siblings are not welcome any more!

EarthboundMisfit · 12/07/2016 17:40

I'm a mum of identical twins and, while I do appreciate every time we get two invites as they're only six, I have no problem when we don't. They're two different people and have different friends, and I wouldn't want them always treated the same.
By 9, parties are a lot smaller. I really don't see an issue.