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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 1 identical twin & not the other

216 replies

IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 16:53

I have identical twin boys, 9 years old and at pick up today, a Mum I don't really know was handing out party invites to parents, she handed me one invite & I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be for both boys.

I got home and the invite was addressed to only one child, I thought perhaps it was an error and texted the number to ask if the invite was just for DS1 and the unexpected reply was yes. Confused

My DTs are in the same class and from their replies barely know the child, so I'm not even sure why one received an invite at all. The party is at a swimming pool with a float etc but their's no way that I'm letting one go & not the other. Am I the only one that finds it really odd and slightly rude that she'd only invite the one .

In my honest opinion DS2 would have been the clever choice Wink

OP posts:
snorfully · 13/07/2016 13:52

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected has it spot on.

At this age the parties start to change....if they haven't already. The whole class parties tend to stop and instead there are smaller groups for the parties.

I'm sure both DS's were invited to the whole class parties in the past and yes it would be very very rude to leave just one child out (regardless if they were a twin or not)

But there is a chance that in this case it is just a smaller group.
It's an adjustment for you, getting your head around your two DC's navigating smaller groups. Soon you won't remember it any other way.

Ignore the rude replies.

Witchend · 13/07/2016 13:57

6o6o842 Are either of you married? Didn't you think it rude that your dp/her dp asked only one of you?

Randomer234 · 13/07/2016 14:02

Maybe you could ask ds2 if he wants to have a friend around that day so he doesn't feel too left out especially if this is the first time they've not both been invited.

6o6o842 · 13/07/2016 14:04

No Madame, I didn't coach them. It was a totally random conversation ages ago during which both boys expressed their opinions completely independently of me and each other.
Witchend, you can't be serious?!?

CatNip2 · 13/07/2016 14:17

I don't see the problem, your children are being treated as individuals and will learn to manage independently like most siblings. It's better for them in the long term.

If you had one child in the September and another in the August and they were both in the same school year and class would you still expect a joint invite?

UKcanuck · 13/07/2016 14:17

Apologies have not yet been able to RTFT, but IMHO:

YANBU to feel surprise but YABU if you take offence. I have observed a spectrum of twinship socialising quite often - when tiny, treated as unit (in terms of outings etc) but as they mature, their distinctness can be more apparent to all and that drives their social experience. eg my DD has twin friends that did all together as tots but separated as tweens both in terms of parties attended and given (ie had separate birthday parties as had different groups of friends/interests). Sounds to me that perhaps you are just in a different part of the spectrum than the other mother is or realised.

That said, had I been the other mother I probably would have contextualised when I gave you the invite to ensure you didn't inadvertently upset your DTs; and if numbers weren't an issue then would probably have invited both. But I am a craven people-pleaser :-).

Other option is she's never seen both boys together and thinks you only have one!

trafalgargal · 13/07/2016 14:19

If it was ages ago it might be worth checking their opinions haven't changed as they have matured and broadened their social mix.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 13/07/2016 14:19

OP, I'm going to go against the grain here. Being a twin comes with advantages and disadvantages. Every individual is different and every set of twins (for want of a better term) is different. The dynamics are different, the individuals are different. What wouldn't faze one person could reduce another to despair. You are still their mum and no one is more equipped to walk that tightrope. You understand how they interact together and what their needs are.

There is no one-size-fits-all PC line on 'twin parenting' that you have to follow. You are not neglecting their individuality if one twin incurs the odd 'disadvantage' to spare the feelings of his brother. Like many things in life, it's a compromise. They don't 'have' to go to everything together and of course they need to be individuals as much as anyone else. But you are free to trust your own instincts in this as much as you would be for any children - only you know.

FWIW, I wouldn't invite one child to something and leave out the other unless I knew both children had secure, clearly defined friendship groups that were different. Something like a class party where it's all a bit chaotic and herd-like? No, not very nice to leave out your other son because unlike the other kids in the class who weren't invited, he will have to watch someone getting ready to go, possibly go in the car to take them, hear about it afterwards and look at the party bag. His afternoon will be dominated by the absence of a party. Not pleasant.

SnotGoblin · 13/07/2016 14:23

With his more outgoing 'jokey' personality. Is DS1 the more popular twin in class (IFYSWIM)? It may be he's been invited because the birthday boy likes him but hasn't had much to do with him or would like a popular boy at his party and doesn't see the politics of dividing up a twin set. Does his mum even know he has a twin brother?

I don't have twins so I'm unsure how I'd feel about a sibling in the same class being 'left out'. I don't immediately think it's rude if there are obvious friendships between the inviter and the invitee.

trafalgargal · 13/07/2016 14:30

Just because you don't see the party child as a particular friend doesn't mean there isn't a link between him and one twin more than the other. Could be as simple as sharing a table or both liking to paint or draw the same subjects or even because he regards him as good at football. Kids like other kids for reasons we don't always see as logical or rational.

Other than saying both or none ....how do you justify turning down an invitation like this to a twin (or any child)

MilicentKing · 13/07/2016 14:36

I invited one of a pair of twins to my son's 7th birthday party. It wasn't a concern for me at all. Nor for the parents or the girls. She was also the only girl.

MummyStep123 · 13/07/2016 14:52

OP - you know your boys better than anyone commenting on this thread, if I was you I'd go with my gut instinct.
I do not have twins but I can't imagine inviting one and not the other. Very thoughtless.

TheAnswerIsYes · 13/07/2016 15:00

Maybe the child doesn't realise that your boys are twins. Perhaps he thinks there is one child that seems to be everywhere.

Flossieflower01 · 13/07/2016 15:04

Yabvu. Unless they're conjoined twins. They are separate people and I'm amazed they've got to 9 without being invited to separate parties.

Do you dress them the same? Call them "the twins"? If so these are also ridiculous "look at ME! I've got TWINS" behaviours that will do the kids no good in the long term.. Please try to treat them as separate people now before the rebel against it later!

starray · 13/07/2016 15:15

It might be for financial reasons or space constraints. I am organizing a party for my child and I have specifically told parents no siblings...(identical or not) If all the siblings of each child came, the party room would explode and I would be bankrupt. Hopefully most parents understand the no sibling policy ---- but from the op's post, looks like there are some who don't.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 13/07/2016 15:35

starray Twins are different - how many other children have siblings in their class?

coffeetasteslikeshit · 13/07/2016 15:38

My two DC (not twins) are in the same class. I would never expect them both to be invited to parties. They have roughly the same friendship group - share a best friend, hang around after school in the same group etc etc - but there is always the odd event that one gets invited to and not the other because they are not one person.

starray · 13/07/2016 15:42

gonetoseeamanaboutadog - ermm...lots of other kids in the class have siblings as well. And why should twins get special treatment? If I'm not inviting siblings, I'm not inviting any siblings.

starray · 13/07/2016 15:46

sorry gonetoseeamanaboutadog ...I misread your post. I see that you meant that they are in the SAME class.

Hm...that makes it slightly trickier...then it is may be an issue of whether the birthday child has fixed number he can invite....

starray · 13/07/2016 15:51

Don't forget that invitees to a party don't always just consist of people from the class. The child may also have relatives or close friends from outside of the class that they want to invite. At the end of the day...it may just come down to space constraints and also for those pay per head type parties, it may come down to cost.

And anyway, I wouldn't want my child to be invited out of obligation or guilt.

chzaer · 13/07/2016 15:52

I think that YANBU, you said neither of the boys really know the child so it seems very odd for only one of the twins to be invited! I could understand if on of your DT's were friends with said child but like you stated they are not. It's a bit strange IMO.

twintwizzler75 · 13/07/2016 16:10

I have 6yr old twins and I specifically requested different classes through nursery until now. My boy's often get separate invitations to parties but I explained to them that this was likely to happen and they're pretty cool with it. The invited one has fun at the party whilst the uninvited one gets quality time with either Mum, Dad or Grandad which they love! I would never not let one go because the other wasn't invited. They are individuals with their own personalities and friends.

YeOldMa · 13/07/2016 16:44

My DM always wanted my sister to go with me and wouldn't allow me to go on my own. The upshot was nobody invited me because they didn't want to invite 2 people instead of one. Spaces for friends at a party are often precious.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 13/07/2016 16:45

Sorry, but on one hand mothers of twins seem to want them to have their own identities and on the other get offended when only one gets invited. Been on the receiving end of this. They are individuals with individual personalities not Siamese twins. Surely it's good they get their own events to go to sometimes. It can't just be when it suits.

Mummyvader · 13/07/2016 16:48

YABVU. Having twins at my DDs school and my DD being friends with just one of the girls we had this problem. We had to pay £10 per child and we were limited to 10 children we didn't invite the other twin but the mother got rather upset. In the end the twin who is very good friends with my daughter didn't come to the party which was crazy but i was unwilling to say she couldn't have one of her close friends not come for a twin who she hardly knows!